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August 18, 2009

Westboro Baptist Band of Crazies Coming to VT?

God-hates-signs Friends, I cannot tell you how excited I am. OK, I'll tell you. On Sept. 1, in the year of our lord two thousand niner, Fred Phelps, the hate-spewing sign-monger from Kansas, will be gracing us with his presence here in the Green Mountain State. Well, he'll probably just be sending his minions, and by minions I mean his toothy daughter Shirley and her umpteen inbred children. They're coming to protest our little state for crimes against a wrathful God or some such nonsense.

Here's a little background on Mr. Phelps (no relation to human fish cum mad toker Michael Phelps) and his Westboro Baptist Church. Apparently God visited Phelps and was all like, "Yo son, what's wrong with this world? Dudes are doing other dudes and it goes against my will 'n' shit." And Phelps was all like, "Oh, word, homes. Guys screwing other guys in the poopshoot ain't cool. I gotta do sumpin' about this." And God was all like, "Dawg, you need to represent me on Earth. Ain't nobody down there listening to me." And Phelps was all like, "God/Jesus/the holy spirit, I feel you. You can count on me." Then he started making crazypants signs that say God Hates Fags and Thank God For AIDS and other awesome stuff like that. Sign Guy Steve totally ripped them off.

So apparently little Vermont, soon to be home of BIG GAY WEDDINGS, is on the Phelps family's crazyradar. Assuming we don't get bumped from the crazyschedule for a military funeral or a town hall meeting, the Westboro crew is slated to roll into Montpelier for a little picket action on the first of September.

According to their online schedule, they've got a pretty busy day of hating. First, they'll be at Montpelier High School from 7:20 to 7:50 a.m. Damn, you gotta get up early to hate with the Phelpses. Apparently, during this protest they'll be serving "Bitch Burgers, Obama Fries & Simple Slut Shakes!" Yum! Uh, does the slut shake come in maple?

Then, from 7:55 to 8:25 a.m., they'll be spewing crazy outside the Statehouse. According to their website, this is why they're hitting the Statehouse: "Vermont is known for one thing primarily in this day and age (no not the beautiful scenery, not the quiet quaint towns, not the Maple Syrup). They are the most 'gay' friendly spot in DOOMED america. That is a great shame on this state and their State House. We must preach to them, and advise them of their impending doom." Sic.

After the Statehouse, they'll be outside the City Clerk/Treasurer's office from 8:30 to 9 a.m., and then they'll be packing up their crazy train and heading to Burlington to picket some Jews. I'm sure that'll go over like a toot at a funeral. They've got UVM Hillel, Chabad of VT and Ohavi Zedek Synagogue on their agenda. Not sure why they hate Jews so much, since, like, um, Jesus was a Jew and all and he's, like, God, right?

Anyway, if you're so inclined, you can pop on over to the bankrupted church's website for the deets, including a brilliant, multifonted press release about the Montpelier High School picket. Fingers crossed that they don't bail like the last time they threatened to pass on God's wrath to Vermont.

Nothing's better than preaching hatred in the name of a G-d of love.

I remember when these folks came to Montpelier after the passage of civil unions. One of the public access stations (RETN?) taped and broadcast the whole protest and counter-protest at the Statehouse, which was big, loud and lively.

What really disturbed me at the time was one of the main speakers, rabble rousers, or what-have-you from the church — a young woman, maybe even a teenager. When the counter-protesters started chanting about how God is anti-hate, she got up at her podium and droned, "Boooring! Gay rights are booooring!" She sounded exactly like one of the popular Mean Girls on an MTV reality show (or one of the ones I went to high school with). She kind of had the Sarah Palin thing going on.

I thought maybe this betokened something about the youth of America-- like, that gay rights were so 1995 and homophobia was now considered cool. Luckily, I was wrong.

Just remember, ye fred phelps bashers, that charlatan/lunatic/? doesn't speak for anyone but himself and I guess his immediate family. The rest of us Christians believe God loves everyone, and that all have sinned and gone astray - even the good church-goin' folks. If we hadn't, Jesus would have just taken a pass on the cross and gone on his merry way. This sinner says thank God he didn't.

Best. Blurt. Post. Ever.

Go Lauren, go.

(Sorry, Shay.)

If our Attorney General had any b-lls, he would go after these crazies under the hate crimes laws.

I'm really sad that this is happening on a Tuesday. Maybe we can make the paper come out a day late so we can all go?

Lauren, I wonder how you can be all about equality but when someone has a different view than yours you can be so judgmental? It's time to live by the standards you have talked about for so many years. It's time to walk the walk not just spew anti christian rhetoric.

I'm on the opposite side of everything this group stands for but I'm surprised at the dripping-with-hate language and tone this blog post takes. Imbred children? Is all this low brow, high horse rhetoric really part of the standards 7 days is now adopting. How about the facts without the bizarre and inappropriate hip disdain. Please don't ruin the message with juvenile writing like this.

haha, i loved this blurt! Best part though was that after reading the article I took a closer look at the picture. Awesome!!

Bring 'em on...I might even get up earlier than usual to make this one!

The fun generated between WBC and its obligatory protesters, both flinging self-righteous indignation at each other, will be quite an entertaining spectacle. Biblical literalism versus knee-jerk reactionism. Sounds positively amusing.

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