Fore Sure

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I am a 23-year-old graduate student with what I consider to be an interesting personality, a bright future, and above-average looks.

I got out of a three-year relationship about a year ago and have been trying to get back into the game, but things are slow going. The problem is, whenever I try to get intimate with a girl, she immediately loses interest when she discovers that I'm uncircumcised. This has happened with three consecutive girls now. I practice very good hygiene, and it's not like I'm Ron Jeremy or anything, but I've looked around the locker room, and I'm not small by any means. Am I just on a streak of bad luck, or am I really destined to forever struggle with women due to my "birth defect"?

Signed,
Uncut and Unhappy

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Dear Uncut,

Either you are dating the most shallow, narrow-minded women on Earth — or you're making it all up in your head (so to speak). Do these women actually tell you they're anti-foreskin, or are you assuming your uncircumcised penis turns them off? Because I don't know any women who have run screaming from a bed just because of an extra piece of penis skin. In fact, I know quite a few who prefer an au naturel member.

Functionally, there is no difference between cut and uncut penises, except that men with a foreskin have to be sure to clean well underneath it — no big deal. And, let's be honest — women have way more nooks and crannies to keep clean than men with uncircumcised shlongs do.

Don't blame these dating disasters on your foreskin. Sex is all about chemistry — something that was clearly lacking with the last three women you dated. When you find the right person, you'll quickly see that your worries about being uncircumcised are unfounded and unimportant.

For foreskin,
MM

"O" Please!

Dear Mistress Maeve,

You know what would totally rock my world; make me wake up on the right side of the bed, have less road rage and perform more random acts of kindness? Achieving the "Big O" with a partner. Don't get me wrong, I can have an orgasm, but only by masturbating.

I have had fantastic sexual partners over the years — both men and women — and I have no problem getting aroused. Since I can climax on my own, I figure it's not a matter of mechanics; it must be about my ability to relax and communicate, right? I swear I've tried. I've been honest with my partners, asked for their help and patience. I don't feel shy or insecure during sex, but is it possible that I am still not "letting go" enough for the grand finale?

Yours Truly,
Flying Solo

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Dear Solo,

Women are always told, "You just have to relax and let go; then you'll have an orgasm." What does that even mean? It's too abstract, and it's a lot of pressure. With all that we juggle day to day, it's a miracle we can squeeze in a bubble bath, let alone enough Zen time to figure out how to "let go."

That said, think about why your "Big O" likes to play hide and seek with your partners. Is it because they're not touching you the way you need to be touched? Or does the thought of having an orgasm in front of your partner make you feel too vulnerable? Some of the strongest, most communicative women I know have a hard time letting their guard down enough to orgasm.

If it's a matter of mechanics, it's time for some show and tell. In my experience, people love watching other people masturbate. Ask your partner to pay close attention to how you're reaching climax — perhaps even describe what you're doing in sexy, breathy detail. Then have him or her give it a whirl with your instruction — you might even lend a hand.

If it's a matter of vulnerability, the prescription is the same: Get yourself off in front of your partner — a lot. The more you practice losing all control in your partner’s presence, the easier it will be to "let go" and allow them to help you get there.

xoxo,
MM

GetTestedVT.com

When a friend recently asked me where she could go for an oral HIV test, I referred to her a number of great organizations around Chittenden County that offer anonymous, free, rapid oral testing. However, I must admit, it was a pain in the neck to scour Google for the contact info and testing times (which, by the way, weren't always accurate). So, I was glad to hear about GetTestedVT.com, a new website where you can find testing sites listed by county. You can also get info about the testing process and where to find quality care if you test positive for HIV.  The site is maintained by a "group of Vermont HIV health care professionals, community support organizations, and people living with HIV/AIDS, dedicated to providing health information and care to those who have, or are at risk for HIV/AIDS." Pretty cool.

With this Saturday being National HIV Testing Day, it's a good time to check out the site and consider getting tested. Knowledge is power.

To your sexual health,
MM

Friday!

Lookout, Vermont -- I'm on the prowl. I don't know if it's the official start to summer or the general T.G.I.F feeling — but I'm ready to cause some trouble this weekend.

So, let's review, shall we? Here's a link to a "Best Of Craigslist" post entitled, "Etiquette Guide for Casual Sex." I agree with most items on the list, except for numbers 9 and 10 -- I won't expect you to the make the bed, but I would like you to have sex with me again in the morning.

Have fun this weekend and be safe!
MM

The Roommate's Mate

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My roommate's boyfriend is a total jerk. Because he lives with his parents, he's constantly at our apartment, eating our food, watching MY television and generally being a slob. My roommate is a grad student, and he even hangs around while she's at class. Last week, I came home to toenail clippings on the coffee table — that was the final straw.

He is nowhere near good enough for my roommate, and his constant presence in our home is driving a wedge between her and me. How can I tell her to ditch the freeloader?

Signed,
Raging Roomie

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Dear Roomie,

Toenail clippings? That's just gross.

Unfortunately, you cannot tell your roommate to "ditch the freeloader." While you may think he's the spawn of Satan, your roommate likes him, and badmouthing him will only make you look like the bad guy. If he really is as awful as you claim, she'll figure it out eventually — and it's important that she learn from her own mistakes.

In the meantime, you can draw some clear boundaries at home. Talk to your roommate face to face (no passive-aggressive notes or off-handed comments). Tell her you like living with her, but you have some concerns about her boyfriend. Outline specific behaviors that bother you and ask her please to address them with him.

You should also set some ground rules that both of you will adhere to going forward. Decide how many nights per week a significant other can stay over without having to chip in for utilities and food. Talk about when it's acceptable for a significant other to be in the apartment alone and whether it's OK for significant others and friends to have keys.

You're in for a potentially uncomfortable conversation — but you'll feel better once you've hashed it out.

Roommate-less for good reason,
MM

Facebook 101

I saw the worst thing on Facebook this morning.

If you use Facebook, you've probably seen the "Relationship Status" field where users indicate if they're single, in a relationship, married, etc. You've probably also seen your friends switch from "Single" to "In a Relationship" or from "In a Relationship" to "Engaged" -- because it gets broadcast to the entire community.

So, this morning, a dear old friend switched his status from "In a Relationship" to "Single." He's been in this relationship for years, and he's probably devastated -- and now everyone in his Facebook community knows it.

To make matters horrifyingly worse, a mutual acquaintance from high school commented on his relationship status saying, "OH MY GOD!!!!! WHAT HAPPENED?!"

Really? If I could punch her through Facebook, I would.

Don't let this happen to you. Break-ups are hard enough without them being announced to your entire Facebook community for comment and ridicule. So, if you use Facebook, here's a public service announcement from me to you:

1. Click settings "Settings"
2. Choose "Privacy"
3. Choose "News Feed and Wall"
4. UNCLICK "Change relationship status"
5. Save your changes

Voila! Now you can change your relationship status, and Facebook will not broadcast it to all your friends.

Or, better yet, edit the information on your profile and leave the relationship status blank -- this will alleviate all those awkward conversations about when to change your status when you're dating someone!

Happy Tuesday,
MM

Fishing for Answers

Dear Mistress Maeve,

As you've alluded to many times, Burlington is a small place where everyone seems to know one another, making the dating scene tricky. I recently experienced an awkward Burlington dating scenario, and I would love to get your take on it.

I had been out on a couple dates with this guy, and things seemed promising. Obviously, we hadn't had any talk about exclusivity yet, so I wasn't really surprised when I saw him out at a restaurant with another woman I know casually. I didn't care that he was out with another girl, but I felt stressed out because I didn't know what to do or say. I ended up ignoring him completely, not wanting to make the situation any more awkward. However, it felt strange not to walk up and say hello, like I would do with any other friends. It was really uncomfortable — how should I have handled it?

Signed,
Dating Decorum

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Dear D.D.,

I applaud your calm attitude toward dating. Some people would be upset by seeing their new love interest out on the town with someone else, but that's how dating goes — sometimes you have to cast a wide net to catch that special fish. The problem is, in a town like Burlington, the fishing pond is only so big.

You were right not to approach their table — given the circumstances, it would be weird for you to make a cameo appearance on their date. However, I would have gone with a casual wave and a smile in their direction at an opportune moment. The nonchalant acknowledgment of their presence shows your confidence and grace under pressure, while completely ignoring them could wrongly indicate to him that you're jealous or angry.

Gone Fishing,
MM

Oldies But Goodies?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Thirty-one-year-old male here with a bit of a problem. My girlfriend recently told me that she would like to be tied up — nothing extreme, just some innocent fun. This, of course, made me unbelievably turned on, and I admitted to her that I had some under-the-mattress restraints that I had purchased with a former girlfriend. My girlfriend got instantly steamed and told me that it was insulting to think she would use the same "sex toys" as another woman. I told her that I didn't think of restraints as "sex toys" and that we had only used them a few times (mostly on me). She was still offended. I just don't see the point in spending another $50 on new restraints when these are not "contaminated." What do you think, MM?

Bound and Determined

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Dear B and D,

I'd like to tie you up and smack some sense into you. Do you have any idea how lucky you are to have a sexually adventurous girlfriend who is willing to leave vanilla behind and try some new flavors? Stop tying this stubborn knot and start tying up your girlfriend!

While I agree with you that restraints are less intimate than, say, dildos and butt plugs, your girlfriend still sees them as "contaminated" with emotional residue from your past relationship. Respect her feelings and get rid of the old shackles. And who says you need to spend $50? Sure, under-the-bed restraints are great, but neckties and scarves do just fine.

Believe me, if you continue to be as stubborn as a mule about this issue, you're only going to come off looking like an ass.

Kisses,
MM

Texts From Last Night

If you're looking to kill a few minutes (or hours), check out Texts From Last Night — a collection of user-submitted funny, dirty, poignant  and generally entertaining text messages. You can view by "Best Nights," "Worst Nights," or even search by area code. The best from the 802?

(802): OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

Some of my other favorites include:

(817): Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
(1-817): You weighed it?

(281): How do you jack off and text at the same time?
(1-281): On my iPhone they have an app for that

(416): Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

(857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

What are your favs? Take a look at the site and report back.

xoxo,
MM

Sexy Scenes

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Last month, my wife and I had some of the best sex we'd ever had after watching 9 1/2 Weeks with Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger. I want to keep this streak going! Mistress, can you recommend a few other movie titles that will keep my home theater burning?

Thanks,
Movie Man

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Dear Movie Man,

Forget this summer's blockbusters — rent these top five scorching titles and keep your popcorn poppin' at home:

5. A History of Violence (2005)
Viggo Mortensen and Maria Bello channel their family's drama into outrageously hot sex on the staircase, leaving Bello's character with some stellar "stair burn." This somewhat violent scene happens shortly after a more innocent romp where Bello dons a high school cheerleading uniform.

4. Coming Home (1978)
Jane Fonda and Jon Voight both won Oscars for their performances in this drama about a married woman who falls for a paraplegic Vietnam vet. When Voight's character cannot perform intercourse, he satisfies Fonda's character orally — a very steamy and emotionally convincing scene.

3. Brokeback Mountain (2005)
I don't care which orientation you are — watching Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal play cowboys who confess their love and lust for each other is damn sexy. When they finally give in, Jack (Gyllenhaal) makes a pass at Ennis (Ledger) while the two are huddled together in a tent for warmth. Ennis' initial anger quickly turns into powerful, urgent love-making.

2. In the Cut (2003)
While I'm pretty sure this sexually charged thriller didn't win any Oscars, Meg Ryan and Mark Ruffalo steam up the screen. If you're looking to introduce dirty talk into your bedroom repertoire, you won't want to miss their naughty phone sex. Let's just say Ruffalo can call me anytime.

1. Secretary (2002)
Another Gyllenhaal tops my list with this quirky film about a woman (Maggie Gyllenhaal) who takes a job as a secretary for a hard-to-please lawyer (James Spader). Eventually, Spader's character gives in to his innermost sadomasochistic desires, and an all-too-eager Gyllenhaal is happy to bend over and oblige.
It was truly difficult to pick just five! Deserving honorable mentions are Shortbus, Bound, Wild Things and Basic Instinct (not for the infamous Sharon Stone crotch shot, but for the yummy scene between Michael Douglas and Jeanne Tripplehorn).

Happy viewing,
MM