Kissed Off

Dear Mistress,

I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for a year. We are monogamous, and presumably most of our other lesbian friends are, too. However, when our group goes out on the town and the tequila shots start flowing, it generally turns into a no-holds-barred make-out fest. Our friends are all very flirty, and they view
French kissing as other people view handshakes — no big deal.

When my girlfriend and I first discussed our friends' loose lips, she was adamantly opposed to us making out with other people, saying it felt like cheating. I was sort of disappointed, because I think making out is harmless fun. So you can imagine my surprise when we were out last Saturday, and I turned around and saw her kissing a girl on her hockey team. At first I was excited and encouraged it, but then I got kind of pissed when we got home. Shouldn't we have talked about this again first?

Signed,
Lip Locked

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Dear Lip Locked,

You're right — if you and your girl previously decided not to participate in your friends' kissing circles, she should have initiated a talk with you before locking lips with her teammate.

However, you're now in a classic "don't cut your nose off to spite your face" situation. If you want to be able to slide lips with your friends on the dance floor, do not overreact to your partner's infraction. Approach her calmly and let her know how you're feeling about what happened. Explain to her that while you're willing — and even a little excited — to discuss kissing outside your relationship, you wish she had thought to run it by you beforehand.

If you decide to open your mouths to others, be sure to set parameters you're both comfortable with. Do both of you need to be present, or can this extracurricular kissing happen on a solo night out? Can you only make out with friends, or are strangers fair game? If jealousy issues come up, how will you deal with them?

And one more thing: Though kissing is relatively safe, it's not 100 percent benign. Be sure the girls you're smooching are worth the risks of mononucleosis, herpes and swine flu.

Kissed off,
MM

Roommates to Mates?

Dear Mistress,

I recently broke up with my boyfriend, and I have a dilemma. I've been roommates with Joe (not his real name) for a few months, and he's a great guy. Whenever we’re home, we laugh and talk a lot. We went to a friend’s party together and had a great time, but I can’t tell if he is interested in me. Considering my recent state of singleness, I'm hesitant to get involved with Joe, because I don’t want to transfer any residual feelings I have for my ex onto him.

To remove temptation, I set Joe up with a friend of mine. I’ve heard they are having fun, and now I am envious that my friend gets to enjoy Joe’s romantic interest. My questions are: Has roommate-turned-cuddle-buddy ever produced a noncomplex relationship that didn’t end badly? Should I have bit the bullet and told Joe about my interest in him and not introduced him to my friend? Can I still tell him, even though he’s gone on dates with my friend?

Awaiting your sage advice,
Close to Home

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Dear Close to Home,

Does Joe know he's living in a post-breakup crazy house? You say you like him, yet you set him up with your friend. You say you're ready to start dating again, yet you're concerned about residual feelings for your ex. It's perfectly natural to act irrationally after a breakup — but you're bringing it a little too close to home.

I suspect you're crushing on your roommate to occupy your time and make you feel less lonely. Furthermore, you most likely set him up with your friend so you could go on crushing without having to make any moves. Let it go. Leave the drama alone and take the time you need to get over your boyfriend.

However, if your home fires continue to burn for Joe, you'll have to move out and then let your feelings be known. Trust me — "roommates-turned-cuddle-buddies" usually turn into "roommates-turned-enemies."

Room for Mates,
MM

Waiting Game

Dear Mistress,

I'm a guy. I like sex (perhaps even more than the average guy). So here's my question: While I can't envision being happy in a long-term relationship without a healthy diet of good sex, I've found that leaping into sexual activity too early in a relationship can — if the sex is really good — put one or both people into a state of blissful desire that can make everything seem exceptionally swell, even if other forms of compatibility may be lacking.

At the same time, dating too long without makin' some moves can have its own drawbacks — you might become very fond of someone, only to find out you're not cut out for bliss in bed.

I'm at a point in life where I want a lasting relationship, but I don't want to wait too long to have sex with a potential partner. Where's the happy medium?

Signed,
First Date Mate

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Dear Mate,

While it's important to know whether you're compatible when it comes to communication, values and goals, it's also important to know if you click in the bedroom. Couples "come together" there to reconnect in the most intimate of ways — and the chemistry has to exist.

That said, if you're looking for a lasting relationship, you would be wise to keep it in your pants for at least a few fact-finding dates. (Forget movies or loud bars where you can't get to know each other in a meaningful way.) If you're still craving her after a number of dates, you're cleared to move it to the bedroom — that is, if she's willing to go with you.

And just because you're not having sex doesn't mean you can't discover clues to your potential chemistry. Kissing, if given the chance, is an incredibly erotic and telling way to explore each other intimately without doing the deed. If your tongues are compatible, chances are your naughty bits will be, too.

Patiently,
MM

Action!

Dear Mistress,

My boyfriend really wants to videotape us having sex, and I'm warming up to the idea, but I'm still nervous. I'm not worried about the video falling into the wrong hands, as we would record it onto my camera, and I would have total control. I'm more worried about what will happen if I'm horrified at the sight of myself having sex. I think we can all agree that things wiggle and jiggle during the act. What if I'm so turned off by myself that I never want to have sex again? (OK, that's a little dramatic, but you know what I'm saying.) Couldn't he have thought of this idea during the summer, when I at least had a tan?

Mistress, you must have some tips on how a girl can look her best on camera. Help!

Thanks,
Camera Shy

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Dear Camera Shy,

Kudos to you for being willing to step outside your comfort zone and try something new. Seeing yourself in all of your boot-knockin' glory can be a daunting thought, but you have to think of yourself as a leading lady — you're hot, no matter what wiggles and jiggles.

Your on-screen debut doesn't have to be under fluorescent lights through a wide-angle lens. Dim the lighting and consider some creative camera positions. Instead of a full-body shot, set up the camera to capture your face and chest while your guy takes you from behind. If you're still feeling shy, add a sassy piece of lingerie to flatter your shape and make you feel more confident.

To get more ideas, check out some amateur porn online — couples all over the world are revolutionizing porn in their own bedrooms, and you can benefit from their expertise. If you can relax and have fun with this project, you'll give new meaning to the command "Action!"

Ready for my close-up,
MM

I Vant To Suck Your Venis

The world has gone Vampire crazy. With Twilight and "True Blood" clogging up our pop culture veins, we're ready to bleed for Edward and Vampire Bill -- and some of us like that idea.

Fleshjack (makers of Fleshlight) came up with a positively spooky way to capitalize on our fang fantasies with Count Cockula -- a soft, fleshy canal with an opening shaped like Brad Pitt's pretty mouth in Interview with a Vampire. Here's what Fleshjack has to say:

Polish up your stake and drive it into this soft, vampire mouth for an orgasm that will wake the living dead. Packing the same punch as the original Fleshjacks but housed in a compact soda can and featuring the exclusive Vampire Fang inner canal texture not found on any other Fleshjack product.

If you've ever wanted a lap dance at Fangtasia, this just might be the product for you.

Happy Halloweenie,
MM

Tough Love

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I met a fantastic guy about a year ago, and it was obvious we had romantic chemistry. After a couple months, he expressed his hesitance about a relationship, and so we've continued as friends. We spend absurd amounts of time together and have become beautiful, supportive friends. However, the romantic air remains between us, and every couple months I bring it up, asking "Is this more than a friendship?" He always answers, "Maybe one day, but at this moment, I'm comfortable with how things are."

A couple weeks ago, he revealed that he'd been dating a couple other women. When I asked him why he didn't tell me about it, he said he didn't think we could talk about such matters. Indeed, I've been out on dates and haven't told him for the same reason. I asked him to tell me whether anything was ever going to happen between us, because if not, I would apply to grad school that much sooner. Then he freaked — and kissed me. We were kissing, he was crying; it was overload.

The next day he said he had taken off work to think about it, and as much as he wishes differently, he only sees friendship between us. The worst part is, it's been two weeks since this happened, and we've barely spoken. I need some honest feedback from someone outside my social circle.

Signed,

Friendly Matters

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Dear Friendly,

If you're looking for honest feedback, try this on for size: Your friendship is toxic — and you're both to blame. It sounds like he has taken advantage of your romantic feelings for him, soaking up all your doting support without truly returning your love. Furthermore, he's being selfish. When you talked about going to grad school, he "freaked" and wouldn't let you go, yet he will not give you what you so deeply desire.

As for your part, you must start putting yourself first and quit waiting for him to come around. One thing's for sure — whether he cares for you romantically or not, he's not ready to be with you. It's time to move on. Date, go to grad school. Do it now! Do not let a dysfunctional relationship stop you from pursuing your dreams — you will regret it.

Give your friendship some breathing room and time to heal. If you're meant to be friends, you'll find your way back to each other.

Just friends,

MM

 

 

Just Ducky

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm having an issue with my roommate, and I hope you can tell me how to handle it with her. A couple weeks ago, I discovered what I thought was an innocent rubber ducky in our shower. When I picked it up, I noticed a battery panel on the bottom and the words "I Rub My Duckie." I might be a little more conservative than her when it comes to sex, but did she really think I wouldn't know it was a vibrator?!

Some days she leaves it in the shower; other days it disappears. I think it's incredibly disrespectful to leave one's sex toys lying around in shared living space. How would you suggest I take care of this situation? I don't know if I'm more upset that she would leave her toy in the shower, or that she thinks I'm stupid enough not to know what it is.

Thanks,

Just Ducky

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Dear Ducky,

The "I Rub My Duckie" vibrator is one of the most popular waterproof toys on the market, though I don't understand why. With its awkward ducky shape and creepy smiling eyes, I didn't think it was all it was quacked up to be. Plus, it reminds me of Ernie from “Sesame Street” singing, "Rubber ducky, you're the one..." But I digress.

I agree — leaving sex toys in shared living space is unacceptable. The best approach is to be direct and calm. Let her know you like being her roommate, but request that she keep her more intimate items in her own room.

If you're worried she thinks you're a moron when it comes to sex toys, try educating her on vibrator care. Tell her she should take the batteries out of her vibrator between uses unless she wants them to corrode — leaving her precious ducky dead in the water.

Like water off a duck's back,

MM

"Big" News

I somehow missed this September 16 blog post from the House of LeMay reporting that Vermont ranks 34th out of 51 in the Manhunt penis poll (apparently this contest is run like Ms. America -- 50 states plus the District of Columbia).

According to the study, Vermont men report an average length of 7.16" in length — not bad, considering the national average is somewhere closer to 5.5" (erect, of course). The top prize goes to the men of the Washington D.C., coming in at a whopping 7.59". The least well-endowed state goes to Alaska, but as Amber LeMay points out, you have to consider "shrinkage."

While this pole... errr, poll... is entirely unscientific, it's mighty entertaining. Just one question: What about girth?

MM

Porn Precautions

I have to hand it to people who have the patience and cooperation skills to live with roommates. I don't like sharing, I don't like people touching my stuff — and I especially don't like muzzling my sexual activities. Whether it's getting it on with a partner or going it solo, I don't like to be quiet, and I prefer to experiment in all rooms of the house. So, you see, I'm not exactly roommate material.

Unlike me, my friend Sasha is a great roommate (name changed to protect the innocent). She's laid back, tidy, and she likes to bake. However, Sasha also likes to watch porn. I'm sure her attractive, single male roommate also likes porn, but they do not participate in this activity — or any other sexual activities — together.

Arriving home late one night from work, Sasha said goodnight to her roomie and proceeded to her bedroom where she popped on her headphones and surfed over to her favorite porno website. After rubbing one out, she removed her headphones, but she could still hear the loud moans of the porn, blasting full-volume from her laptop — she had neglected to plug the headphones into the computer.

Woops.

I told her not to worry about it. The only consequence of a guy hearing his cute female roommate get off to porn is a hard-on, and I'm sure he's okay with that. Obviously, she should make doubly sure to plug in the headphones in the future, but we've all been caught with our pants down (some of us more than others).

How about you? Got any embarrassing masturbation or porn stories to share on this manic Monday?

xoxo,
MM

It's not delivery, it's "no homo"

Just when Kanye West didn't need any more negative press...

Hip-hop lyrics are notorious for their homophobic content, but I had no idea that a new phrase — "no homo" — was making it's way into mainstream hits like the Jay-Z, Rihanna and Kanye West joint, "Run This Town." Super lame.

Check out Bryan Safi's take on the state of "no homo" in his hilarious segment called "That's Gay" that airs as part of Current TV's weekly show infoMania. (Thanks to Amber LeMay for posting to Facebook.)