Smack That

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm 38 years old and seem to be having a premature midlife crisis.

It all started last week with a break-up. We met at a café, and, after finishing dinner, he decided to break the news. In my old age, I've lost my patience with insensitive men. I was so annoyed by his businesslike demeanor and the premeditated, choreographed way he planned things. For instance, he had me meet him at the café, rather than going there together (obviously so we would go our separate ways afterwards).

Well, the moment got the best of me and my frustration took over. I sarcastically thanked him for the dinner, got up, and walked calmly to his side of the table, then WHAP! I slapped him across the face and stormed out.
   
The resounding whack caught everyone's attention and undoubtedly caused him much embarrassment. Should I swallow my pride and call him to apologize? I hope I'm not becoming psychotic.

Signed,
38 and Frustrated

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Dear 38 and Frustrated,

First of all, drop the "old age" nonsense. Second, stop beating yourself up. You're not psychotic, and you're probably not having a midlife crisis. You're simply a living, breathing human being with emotions — that got the best of you this time around.

As satisfying as it probably was to slap him, it wasn't smart or attractive. The classier move would have been to collect yourself and calmly express your feelings before heading for the door with your composure and dignity intact. But we can't be perfect all the time, right?

I understand why you're upset. Going through the charade of dinner before dropping the break-up bomb wasn't very considerate of him. However, he probably thought he was minimizing the drama by extending a dinner invitation and taking separate cars. My guess is, he'll think twice about how he choreographs his break-ups in the future.   

Don't call him to apologize. The sooner you let this relationship go, the sooner you can focus on what really matters: you. Do this, and your next relationship will surely be a "hit."

Hugs and Smackers,
MM

Comments

[Appalled]

This woman committed assault on another person. I'm a woman, and it needs to be said that if a man were to hit a woman in the face or anywhere else on her person, he would likely be in big trouble. People would not have idly sat by in a public area and allowed that to happen without someone intervening and/or calling the police. Your response to this person does not address the fact that her action consisted of physical violence against another person.

"wasn't smart or attractive"
"But we can't be perfect all the time, right?"
"Don't call him to apologize"

MM, she hit him. I'm simply speachless at your response. "wasn't smart or attractive." Good god. It's not a midlife crisis, it's an assault charge.

Now that I've recovered my composure, may I suggest that, yes, "38 and frustrated" should indeed apologize, at the very least. The manner of the bf's break-up is utterly immaterial in this matter.

My alternative answer to MM's:
"38", no one is responsible for your actions but you. He did not make you hit him. The moment did not "get the best of you". You hit someone. Buck up, be a grownup, admit you did wrong, and do the right thing.

And -- pardon a little armchair psychology -- if you're hitting guys who break up with you, it's not *them* you're frustrated with.

MM had two things right -- drop the old age thing, and don't beat up on yourself about what happened. Do what you can to make it right, then work this stuff out before you get a new boyfriend, or you'll end up with the same thing happening again and again.

[justonequestion]

"My guess is, he'll think twice about how he choreographs his break-ups in the future."

Um, how would you recommend an improved scenario in which one terminates a relationship?

[MistressMaeve]

Thanks for the comments.

I failed to address all sides of this coin in the space allotted in the paper, and I appreciate the feedback. I've said many times that the best part of this gig has been learning from the discussion brought to the blog by the readers. This is a great example. I can't get 'em right all the time, and I certainly don't mind some help.

For the record: it is NEVER okay to hit or in any other way assault another human being.

I didn't address the "assault charge" because she didn't seem concerned about getting a knock from the authorities. Keep in mind that this entry was the one printed in the paper — where I have space constraints and can't always print the letter in full. You'll be happy to know that "38" was well aware of the possible implications of her actions. (Note to self: print full letter on blog so that readers can get the idea). Still, I should have referenced the legal implications.

I didn't chastise her for her actions because, well, I don't often chastise people. She screwed up. I've screwed up before, and if I wrote in to someone for advice, I'd be looking for a pick-me-up rather than a put-down.

Maybe I'm too nice for this gig? No, wait, I'm not ;)

And to "JustOneQuestion": I will defend myself here. Perhaps it's just me, but if a dude isn't into me anymore, doesn't want to see me and is going to dump me... please, save me the humiliation of getting dressed for a date and flirting with you over appetizers, main course and dessert. Okay? Make it a coffee date or ask to go on a walk, and get right to the point.

Thanks again, readers. Keep it coming.

MM

[Unconscionable Gender Bias]

Why is it that female batters and battering are so invisible in our society? I mean here it was in print and it was glossed right over in your article. Having fathered a child and lived with a female batterer for five years I can tell you this, the problem exists and is not acknowledged. Nor are there accessible outreach programs for the female and male victims of female batters.

The only clinically accepted treatment for batters is same sex group therapy. For female batters in Vermont the only place to participate in this kind of program is with the prison population of the women's correctional facility in South Burlington. While admittance to the program is open to the public, can you imagine the challenge of convincing a battering partner to go to prison for counseling sessions? The other options are Boston, New York, or Montreal. The 2-3 hour sessions are 5-7 times per week.

Back to "Smack That". The general tendency of the North American population to turn a blind eye towards female battering while allowing zero tolerance to male battering has clear ramifications outlined by clinical studies in Ireland and Scottland that found 40% of domestic violence incidents resulting in injury or death to a woman were initiated by the woman losing her temper and slapping, kicking, biting, scratching or hurling an object at her partner in an act of rage and frustration.

Obviously this by no way excuses the resulting acts of the male. What it does do is suggest that up to 40% of domestic violence incidents resulting in injury to, or death of, a woman could be avoided if the woman as well as the man learned to control their anger in momements of rage or frustration and refrained from assaulting their partner.

Sorry - I'm letting some painful memories boil up including really missing my son (another story). Just trying to say that it is not ok for a woman to strike a man and for some reason our society has not disgested this as evidenced by how you chose to allocate space in your response.

[MistressMaeve]

UGB,

Thanks for the comment and your thoughts — they're noted and appreciated.

MM

[Mike Marion]

I realize that it's easy to come up with cool/hip responses to said situation... but having said that, in my useless opinion it would have been cool for 38 and Frustrated to have simply taken in the break-up news then order dessert & coffee on the goofball's tab.

[MistressMaeve]

Actually, that's the coolest and hippest response yet, I think...

Thanks!
MM

[Mike Marion]

You are very welcome MistressMaeve... Your complement makes me want to quit my TV job and start my own advice column.