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Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Flood Watch

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Hardly a day goes by when we don't hear of some natural disaster — tsunamis, cyclones and earthquakes. Well, I'm having a natural disaster of my own — a flood — every time I have sex.

It seems that ever since I turned 30, I get so wet when aroused that I'm embarrassed for my new boyfriend and myself. Seriously, it's like someone turned on a faucet down there. I've even gone so far as to hide a towel near my bed just in case I can steal a minute to wipe (or sometimes I use my discarded panties when he's not looking). I also excuse myself from the action, claiming I have to urinate, only to run into the bathroom and clean up.

MM, is there anything to be done? I know wetness is good, but Niagara Falls? I think not.

Bracing for the Flood


Dear Bracing,

I understand your concern — but comparing your plight to the natural disasters of our time is a bit dramatic, don't you think?

You could be experiencing increased wetness if you're ovulating, or if you recently switched birth control pills. But in all likelihood, you're just plain turned on by your new beau.

Women can never be too wet. When it comes to sex and the female body, moisture is good. Think of the alternative: Some women, for various reasons, have a hard time staying lubricated while aroused. Personally, I'd much rather float my partner's boat down Niagara Falls than try to explain to him/her why I'm as dry as the sandy shore.

In extreme cases, an overly lubricated vaginal canal can cause diminished sensation for male partners, but even that's quickly remedied with a non-lubricated or textured condom for added friction.

My advice? Embrace the flood. Increased wetness means increased sensitivity and pleasure for you. If your new boyfriend isn't willing to strap on a life preserver and go for a swim, move on to the next sailor.


Tuesday, May 27, 2008

"Super" Market

Remember during the winter when I was knocked on my ass by the flu and subsequently discovered that Rite Aid sold vibrators?

Well, ever since then, I've been fascinated by the diversity and volume of condoms, lube and other "personal care" items I've found in supermarkets and drug stores all over Chittenden County. While grocery shopping over the holiday weekend, I noticed that my supermarket had a special display of a new kind of warming lube — you know, like those displays for Super Bowl weekend where they promote beer, chips and chicken wings for the big game. Okay, so the display wasn't that big, but still!

So, what's up with this surge of "personal care" products? Are retailers finally beginning to understand that people — even grocery-shopping, child-rearing,  regular Joes — like to have sex? Amazing.

In these economic times, it's probably more like "sex sells," and retailers are looking to capitalize. They say people will be vacationing closer to home this summer due to gas prices. Why don't we just stay in bed? Hey, we won't have to drive far if we run out of KY and vibrating condoms.

And, it looks like I'm not the only one captivated by this recent upswing in sex products hitting the mainstream shelves. The folks at Boinkology want you to send in photos of "What's in Your Condom Aisle." Perhaps I'll send in some photos. . .


Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Burning Desire

Dear Mistress Maeve:

I'm a 25-year-old female with an aggravating problem.

Usually, when my boyfriend and I have sex, I'm fine. However, when we have sex more than once in a 24-hour period, I end up with a urinary tract infection.

What's up with this, and how can I prevent it? I already pee after sex, so please don't give me that same advice.

Feelin' the Burn


Dear F.T.B.,

Rule #1: If anything burns in your nether regions, see your doctor!

Urinary tract infections, or UTIs, are an unfortunate side effect of sex for many women. Infections can occur when common bacteria make their way up the urinary tract thanks to the friction caused by intercourse or other heavy petting — and the more you do, the greater the risk.

You're right, you should pee after intercourse — but also pee before sex; it's a good way to flush out potentially harmful bacteria. And remember, always wipe front to back! Obviously, drink lots of water to keep the flow going, but you might also consider drinking cranberry juice or adding a cranberry supplement to your diet.

I've heard friends say that their urinary tract infections all but disappeared when they switched positions to ones that cause less friction on the urethra (like doggy-style or reverse cowgirl). The less sweat, fluid and pressure on your pee-hole, the better.

Planned Parenthood of Northern New England cites E. coli, found in the rectal area, as a common culprit when it comes to UTIs. So please, if you're engaging in anal play, do not use the same fingers, toys or condoms in your vagina. No double dipping.

Follow these rules, and hopefully your burning desire won't turn into a burning disaster.

Going with the flow,

Monday, May 19, 2008

Go For the Gold

Since I always get a good response when I post about balls, I thought I should share this information I found via Boinkology. Richard Blakeley posted about a spur of the moment experiment he conducted by putting some Gold Bond medicated lotion on his balls. After the cool, tingly sensation began, he started to feel a bit nervous that his sack would fall off, so he went straight to the Internet for guidance. To his surprise, he found many sites that discuss the benefits of applying Gold Bond to a man's nether regions, including this headline from The Onion: “Gold Bond Spokesman Grudgingly Admits It Makes Your Balls Tingle.”

But, most brilliantly, Blakeley stumbled across a site sanctioned by Gold Bond, featuring videos encouraging men to powder their "equipment" (no, seriously, the actors in the commercials actually use air quotes). Here's the only clip I found on YouTube, but the other three are infinitely better in my opinion.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Oh, the irony.

Remember last week when I ranted and raved about how I didn't understand why partners are sometimes afraid to ask for what they want in bed? Well, I got a first-hand lesson last weekend, and I've decided to suck it up and share the story with you.

When I'm having sex, I'm usually the brains behind the business. I'm pretty much in charge, know what I want, how I want it and generally how to get it. In most cases, I find my partners are more than happy to accommodate my wishes.

That said, I am also usually the one who facilitates conversations about limits, boundaries, likes and dislikes. Not to totally stereotype the dudes I've been with, but they usually don't have too many limits, and I end up being the one setting the rules of engagement. However, last weekend, the tables totally turned on me. Instead of me saying no to a request, I experienced the sting of rejection. Here goes:

I make no bones about it: Sometimes, I like it rough.

Define rough? Okay.

Nothing too crazy for good ol' "regular" sex. . . hold me down (tightly), dig your fingers in, bite my shoulders, pull my hair, grab me by the scruff of the neck and — if I've consented beforehand — apply some subtle pressure to my throat while you have your way with me. I'm a strong woman, always in control. If I'm going to fully give in to my orgasm, sometimes I like to be "taken." We can debate the politics of this later; my proclivities really aren't the point here.

So, I was in bed with a relatively new boy. We were fully in the throes, when he casually grabbed a handful of my hair.


He had done this before, and I started to fantasize that this was an indication that he'd like to be more aggressive. So, I purred something along the lines of, "You can do that harder, if you'd like."

He switched to his dominant hand, grabbed more of my locks and pulled a little harder.


I asked, "If I try to get away, will you pull even harder?" And I tried to maneuver away from him.

To my surprise, he let me go easily, stopped all the action, looked me in the eye and calmly said, "There are some lines I won't cross in the bedroom."

I felt the blood rush to my face and my stomach sink. Luckily, the room was dim and he couldn't see how flushed I had become. I felt the sting of tears in my eyes and struggled for a brief moment to keep it together. I was simultaneously impressed with his communication skills and frightfully embarrassed by the rejection. Would he think me a freak for wanting it rough? Did I care? Had I ruined the moment? Was he turned off? Was I angry?

Then, again to my surprise, he eased gracefully back into the moment, and we recovered the intensity of the encounter. As quickly as my shame and embarrassment arrived, it left — because he wasn't freaked out. He was at ease sharing his limits without judging my desires.


So, the moral of the story is: I get it now. I'm lucky that he was cool enough with his feelings to simply state his limit and move on. If he wasn't so comfortable with himself, I could see it turning into a very awkward moment with hurt feelings, inevitably creating a dynamic where I was afraid to ask for what I wanted. And that's how people let fear rule them in the bedroom.

This encounter got me thinking. We should all honor our limits. But, I wonder, can we honor our limits with grace and without judgment? If so, hopefully our partners won't be afraid to share different desires later on. I know I won't hold back from him in the future. . .


Wednesday, May 14, 2008

You want to do what? Where?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I am a man in my thirties who is very particular about body cleanliness. I like my private parts to be clean and tidy. I do most of my own grooming but have treated myself to full waxings when on vacation in larger cities, where I have found male waxing to be more accepted.

I have recently heard about anal bleaching and am curious about how it works. The skin around my anus is darker than the rest, and I find it unsightly and a bit embarrassing when I'm with a partner. Why is my skin darker here?

Bum Rap


Dear B.R.,

Darker skin around the anus and genitals occurs for a number of reasons, ranging from heredity to pregnancy. Anal bleaching became decidedly more popular a few years back, when porn star Tabitha Stevens got her rosebud blanched on an episode of “Dr. 90210.” Since then, salons have been adding anal bleaching to their waxing repertoires. After all, darker skin around the anus is much more noticeable after a full Brazilian wax.

Vermont waxing maven Cynthea Wight Hausman of Cynthea's Spa in Burlington says that, while she's willing to wax and pluck just about any hiney to make it more handsome, she shudders to think about "anus" and "bleach" in the same sentence. "Anal skin is very sensitive and micro-tears easily," says Hausman. "Put them both together, and it seems like a recipe for a burning bottom."

While Hausman doesn't know of any salons in Vermont that offer this service, she says the Internet is rife with home bleaching products containing kojic acid, an agent commonly used to lighten dark patches of skin on the face and body.

People bleach their hair and teeth on the quest for "perfection" — so I suppose it shouldn't surprise me that my readers now want to whiten themselves for a more alluring asshole. But frankly, sex is messy and imperfect — and so are our genitals. Let's lose this idea of "perfect" when it comes to our bodies and just have some fun, shall we?

Perfectly imperfect,

P.S. Thanks to Match for helping me come up with the title for this blog entry. It's not as easy as one might think to aptly title a blog about anal bleaching. Some of the runner-ups:

Butt stain, be gone!
Bleaching is bung.
I'm ready for my closeup, Mr. Bung.

Why are butt jokes always so funny?

Monday, May 12, 2008

Meet Your Match

Since returning from the Sex 2.0 conference, I've been listening to more podcasts about sex, mainly by people who were at the conference. Reading blogs is great, but actually getting to hear people talk about sex — bodies, partners, orgasms, kinks, fetishes — is so much more personal. I've always been more aural.

Over the weekend, I listened to the latest podcast by Match — a lovely individual I met in Atlanta who's into body modification of all sorts, including piercing, scarification, blood play and needles. What's great about Match is his openness, humor and sincerity about his proclivities. In his latest installment, Match gives us a public service announcement: "If someone comes at your penis with a sharp object, do yourself a favor and say no."

Apparently, Match is down for sharp objects touching his skin just about anywhere, except his penis (or, his "schpeep" — an endearing pet name for his member, pronounced shpee-pee, that kept me giggling all day). If you'd like to hear what happened when Match allowed his play partner to graze his schpeep with a scalpel, have a listen to the podcast. Clearly, this is not work-friendly, so put your headphones on.

Nicks, cuts and kisses,

Friday, May 09, 2008

I'm a groupie

Here's an equation for you:

heavy metal + leather chaps + parolees = Mistress Maeve purring like a kitten and a damn fine night out at Higher Ground

Amadis If you're looking for something to do tonight, check out Amadis at Higher Ground. Show starts at 9pm. Wear your leather and wink at the rhythm guitarist for me.


Wednesday, May 07, 2008


Hello Mistress Maeve,

I only enjoy the taste of wine on my lover's lips (she has lovely lips). I was wondering if any harm would come from me tasting wine from her vagina? In particular, I'd like to pour it over her and lick it up. Is there anything in the wine that would irritate that sensitive area? Would any wine be safer than another?

Thank you for all your advice,
Wine Connoisseur


Dear W.C.,

I drink to you, Wine Connoisseur, for thinking outside the box of wine. Mixing two things you love, such as wine and sex, can make for a fine blend of flavors.

That said, you do want to drink responsibly. Some people are allergic to the sulfites in vino, so you'll want to be sure your muse can imbibe it safely before pouring it all over her Napa Valley. You'll also want to be on the look-out for wines that include eggs, milk protein and fish membrane — common allergens.

My friends at Planned Parenthood of Northern New England warn that even a woman who is not allergic to drinking wine may still find its ingredients irritate the sensitive skin of the vulva. Also, PPNNE suggests not putting the wine directly into the vagina, as yeast would probably love the high sugar content of some wines — and nothing puts a cork in your sex life like a raging yeast infection.

In all likelihood, if your lady can drink the fruit of the vine, she can handle having it poured over her nether regions. However, if she has extra-sensitive skin, you might devise other ways to drink her in. Wine and other liquids are delicious when tasted from nipples, fingers, toes and cheeks.


Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Radio Daze

Driving to work this morning, I was flipping through radio stations and came to rest upon Mike and Chantal in the Morning on 95 Triple X. I tuned in just in time to hear Chantal say something to the effect of, "thirty-eight percent of men report being too shy to ask for what they want in bed." To which, Mike responded with something like, "That's the gay men."

Wait. What?

Apparently Mike is under the impression that gay men still hide their sexual predilections for fear of. . . what? Ridicule? Violence? In my experience, gay men are the most open when it comes to telling their partners — and, in some cases, the whole world — exactly what they like in bed. Luckily, Chantal set Mike straight (so to speak).

But, Mike's mistake isn't the point of this post (after listening to Mike and Chantal for years, I'm fairly certain Mike has no issues with the gays). The point of this post is this: Why are men afraid to tell their partners what they want in bed?

I've never been a girl to say no to much of anything, so I'm always somewhat surprised to hear about women who balk at doing it doggy style or refuse to put their husbands' penises in their mouths (two of my most-favorite things). Now seems like the perfect time for a disclaimer: CLEARLY, if a woman is morally opposed to certain sex acts, or if specific acts bring up less-than-happy memories for her, she shouldn't do them. However, if these oppositions are being communicated clearly and effectively to the male partners, why would they be afraid to discuss their other desires? Religious/family guilt? Embarrassment? Not wanting to "taint" lily-white female partners by doing it dirty?

Okay. So, I really have no point. Do you?  I'm interested in hearing your thoughts about why 38% of men would be afraid to share with their partners (straight or gay).


Monday, May 05, 2008

Birds of a Feather

Bird_strap Just in time to beat my case of the Mondays, Boinkology served up a link that nearly made me choke on my fifth cup of coffee. Check out the slideshow at

Careful, this link isn't work- or kid-friendly due to some naked ladies. The falcons, on the other hand, are fully feathered.


Friday, May 02, 2008

Teeny Weeny USB

Teeny_weeny_front_sm Have you ever grabbed a USB drive on your way to work or a meeting, only to discover later that instead of grabbing the drive with all those TPI reports, you accidentally brought the one holding your entire Internet porn collection? If so, you might want to store your x-rated material on a Teeny Weeny Drive — guaranteed never to be mistaken for your work files.

Via Fleshbot.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

SGF Seeking...

I received this letter a while ago, and, to be honest, I haven't answered it yet because I didn't know what to say...

Mistress Maeve,

Where o'where are all the lovely lesbians of Central Vermont? I have looked in del and glen and overturned many a rock only to be disappointed by nothing more than a few bits of lichen and a grub or two clinging w/ mighty tenacity to said upturned rock.

It seems that all the ladies in VT are old Birkenstock-wearing, flannel-sporting, and — in some unfortunate cases — mullet-quaffed couples that have long since "submerged to the urge to merge." Either that or they are teeny boppers from UVM. Is there a Mecca of luscious ladies (30ish) that are professional and well-heeled? It should not be so difficult to get laid, start a real relationship or have a substantial queer community.


Withering Away in VT

Withering is right. Where are all the unattached, 30-something queer women in Vermont, and how do you date them? (I realize that Withering only referenced "Central" Vermont, but in a state our size, sometimes you have to be willing to travel.)

135 Pearl is gone, and I think we're probably the only state in the union without a gay bar. But, what if you don't like meeting people in bars, anyway? A quick search of a handful of dating sites turned up some seemingly cool profiles, but only just a few. (By the by, I found the most attractive collection to be on Two to Tango —€” however biased that might sound).

The good news is: they're out there. The even better news is: there are several upcoming events where you might be able to catch a glimpse of the elusive single lesbian Vermonter. Here's a short list and links:

First Friday: Originally started at 135 Pearl as Womyn's Night, First Friday carries on the tradition and invites the boys to come out to play, too. Stop by Higher Ground this Friday (tomorrow) for dancing and live music! First Friday drew over 300 people last time, so you're sure to find some singles in the crowd.

RU12? Community Dinner: A fabulous dinner and auction mark this annual community event happening on Saturday, May 31. Dress to impress and DO NOT MISS the keynote speaker, Dan Savage — one of my heroes. You may know him from his wildly popular column, Savage Love.

Pride Vermont:
Check out the website for all of this year's related Pride activities (mostly happening on or around July 12). Parade, cruise, parties and more.

Whew! Lots of fun events to check out — and plenty of hotties to check out, too.

Oh, and a note to Withering: Don't count out the Birkenstock-wering, flannel-sporting, mullet-quaffed ladies just yet. They might surprise you.


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