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Monday, June 30, 2008

My Kind of Math

According to this formula by Jessa Crispin, I am not a slut:

# of Total Men > Your Age x 1.5

I'm more like a half-slut. But, if it was number of total men and women, I'd be a lot closer to slutdom.

How about you?

(Thanks to Lumpesse for posting this Jessa Crispin quote via Reverse Cowgirl. Whew.)

Friday, June 27, 2008

Friday Confessional

My neighbors got a new dog that barks from 6:00am to 6:30am every morning — and I am NOT a morning person.

I would like to go over and have a neighborly chat with them about the noise, but, chances are, they've been awoken by my own howling one too many times to care about my complaint.

Oh, well...

Happy Friday,

Pick the Daysies

Have you voted for the Daysies yet? Or, more importantly, have you voted for Best Vermont Blog (non-political)? *hint, hint*

You can cast your votes here. And, remember, only one ballot per person, and you have to answer at least 33 questions for your votes to count. Deadline is 5pm TODAY!

Rockin' the vote,

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Oral Frustration

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Over the last few months I've become vexed by my inability to ejaculate while receiving oral sex. In the past I've dismissed this problem, but I recently had the same partner for over a month, who, by my estimation, was extremely good at it. No matter what she did, no matter how "on the mark" she was, I couldn't get comfortable enough to come. Sometimes I would even experience physical pain, even when she wasn't doing anything abrasive. Eventually I'd always just give up and return to intercourse.
It has also occurred to me that I perhaps have some childhood trauma to work through with a therapist. It also doesn't help that I don't keep partners long enough to really make any progress in this department.

Yours in frustration,


Dear Miguel,

First and foremost, when someone says they "perhaps" need to see a therapist, it usually means they should. Kudos to you for facing your childhood trauma and seeking help. You'll be in good company — most of my favorite people are in therapy.

While you're tackling the bigger issues, remember that relationships cannot get to the next level unless both partners show some vulnerability. If you're still seeing this woman, communicate with her. Let her know that she gives great head and that your issues have nothing to do with her. If you start letting partners in, you may be able to end this cycle of short relationships and make some progress with intimacy. Who knows — maybe you've reached a point in your life where intimacy trumps oral when it comes to getting off?

Above all else, remember that sex is supposed to be fun. In the end, do you really care how you come? You talk about giving up and returning to intercourse like it's a death sentence — I can think of far worse alternatives. I'll bet you'll have a much better time if you stop thinking about the things that don't get you off and start focusing on the things that do.

And one more thing: If pain during fellatio persists, see a doctor.

Best of luck,

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

I can bear-ly contain myself

I've said it many times: If I were a gay man, I'd be a bear — or at least totally into bears. Big, brawny, hairy — yes, please.

Burlybearbbq So, imagine my delight (and complete envy) when I heard about the Burly Bear BBQ — that's bear-b-cue. Happening on July 5, the bear-b-cue features djs Rob Douglas and Alan Perry, lawn games, door prizes, massage tables, bbq by the Green Mountain Leather Club and a bear-butt contest. Need another judge?

If that's not enough bear action for you, also check out the Second Annual Burly Bear Beer Blast at Club Metronome on Saturday, July 12, as part of the day's Pride festivities. All the bear event info you need can be found on the Pride VT website.


I heart California

After being together for fifty years, Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon — both in their eighties — became the first gay couple to legally marry in the state of California on June 16, 2008. Click here for the cutest wedding photo of all time.

Now they have their own Wikipedia page — which is more than I can say for most straight married folks in California.


Wednesday, June 18, 2008

By the way...

American Apparel is now selling the Hitachi Magic Wand. It's the perfect accessory for your shiny,  high-waisted skirt that you apparently wear as a dress (careful, don't bend over — or, do, if you want to).

Can't wait to see the ads they come up with.


Daily Affirmation

While grabbing coffee at a local market this morning, I noticed two things:

1. A hot guy at the salad bar (who I smiled at and shamelessly checked out as I walked by)
2. Everyone working at the market looked particularly attractive and cute

As I rolled up to the checkout, hot-salad-bar-guy got in line behind me. Sweet.

The woman ringing me up complimented my necklace. I thanked her and openly told her that everyone working there was having a "cute day." She said I was having a "cute day," too. Then, hot-salad-bar-guy piped up and said something like, "Everyday can be cute day. You just have to decide you're cute."

Wow, such wisdom for 10a.m. on a Wednesday. The three of us continued flirting and complimenting each other until I reluctantly took my leave.

Two things to take from this post:

1. You can attract the people you want by smiling and being open.
2. If you decide you're cute, you're cute.

So, tomorrow — you're cute.

I'm annoyed.

According to Elizabeth over at Sex in the Public Square, a high school in South Carolina is in an uproar over a student-formed Gay-Straight Alliance. Apparently it was a struggle to get the GSA approved, as evidenced by the school principal announcing his resignation last month after the district ruled that the GSA must be allowed. Nice, huh?

So, the good news is: These high school students rock, and they have their GSA. The bad news is: The school board is considering new rules that would make all students have to get signed parental consent to join the group (or any other "student-initiated non-curricular activities"). Clearly, this poses a problem for any youth who needs some support but is not ready to come out to family members. And that's not all. These student groups also aren't allowed to have teachers or outside organizations involved. So, even if some students get signed notes, they'll be meeting with no adult guidance or support. Hmm, guess they'll have to find all their info on the Internet — because that's certainly more trustworthy than a teacher.

When I hear stories like these, I am reminded how much time I spend in my little, happy bubble where queer-culture is just part of the world at large (and a great part, at that). These adults in South Carolina really want to make it difficult for queer youth to get support. That is so fucked up! But, we can help. Click on over SITPS and join a letter-writing campaign to the members of the school board. They will meet again on June 23, so hurry!

I've spent some time reminiscing this morning about when I helped formed the GSA at my high school. We were deemed a "campus in crisis," took two days off from classes and brought in speakers to calm everyone down. I thought those were the "good old days," but apparently this crap still happens.

And one final note to the high school students who formed the GSA: You are amazing and awesome. Keep rockin' with your bad selves. Luckily, high school doesn't last forever.


Expiration Date?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

At the beginning of the year, I started dating a guy. We had a lot of fun together, and I started getting excited about the possibility of a relationship (which is scary for me, because I tend to run away from commitment). I could tell that he was somewhat resistant, as evidenced by the fact that we made out a lot, but never fooled around the entire two months we were hanging out. But it was really confusing, because he masked these obvious signs by saying that he was really into me but wanted to "take things slow."

After a while, I put my heart on the table, and he rejected me . . . I think. He never gave me a real response or explanation; our relationship just kind of fizzled.

So, whatever. He was clearly "just not that into me." When I see him out now, we pretend like nothing happened. Sometimes we even email or chat online about mundane things like work and movies. This frustrates and upsets me. Is it totally lame to ask him what the hell happened, now that a few months have passed?

Perplexed Patty


Dear Patty,

The short answer is yes — it would be lame to seek answers from him months after your relationship has ended. 

Putting your heart on the line can be terrifying, especially for us girls who shy away from commitment. But hey, at least you were honest with him about your feelings — sounds like he can't say the same.

Learn from this failed attempt at love and move on. With this relationship behind you, I suspect you'll have a keener eye for guys who "just aren't that into you." Further, let this experience teach you to expect more communication from future mates. After dating him for two months, you deserved more of an explanation than you received.

As for this friendly online relationship — cut it out. Stop communicating with him if it's making you upset. Be civil when you see him in public, but it's high time he stopped inserting himself into your inbox. Got it?

Totally into you,

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Ken is so Sexies

Sexies_3 Congratulations to Seven Days staff writer Ken Picard on his Sexies Award!

The Sex-Positive Journalism Awards (Sexies for short) were created to recognize journalists who are "helping to improve the quality of dialogue around sex and create a more well-informed reading public."

Ken took second place in the "News" category for his article, "Just Say Know" — a piece about the sex-positive sex education curriculum called "Our Whole Lives" being taught to young adults at the First Unitarian Universalist Society of Burlington.

The Sexies' impressive list of judges included Dan Savage and Carol Queen, PhD. Here's what they had to say about Ken's submission: "Reports on an important story carefully, showing the national context of a local story along with the local issues. Skillful writing about an inflammatory issue."

You can read other winning submissions here. I highly recommend reading "Naughty Nursing Homes," by Daniel Engber of Slate.

Ken's reaction to his first Sexies Award? "I wonder what the plaques are shaped like?"

Good question...

Monday, June 16, 2008

No Sex On Facebook

Has anyone else noticed that Facebook erased the "Random play" and "Whatever I can get" options under the "Looking for" category? I didn't notice until Boinkology pointed it out for me. I also learned that these were NEVER options if you registered over the age of 30. Hello, ageism!

What? So now I can only be looking for dating, a relationship, friendship or networking? Guess I'll have to keep my random hook-ups to MySpace (like everyone else).

Happy Monday.


Friday, June 13, 2008

Good Old Days

I have a friend who has a big ol' crush on a boy. She sees him around town, they're MySpace/Facebook friends, and they've exchanged numbers, yet they've never hung out.  Recently we were chatting, and she said, "I wish there was an adult equivalent to the notes we used to pass in middle school that said, 'Do you like me? Check yes or no.'"

I agreed at the time and also made some smart-ass comment about us being big girls now, and she should probably just pony up and call the call guy.

However, since then, I've been thinking that we actually have WAY MORE middle school-esque ways of crushing nowadays. She could "poke" him on Facebook, leave a comment on his MySpace or I-Spy him in Seven Days. All of these modes of communication are good ways to pussyfoot around and see if he bites (so to speak).

But, I think my friend knows this. What I really think she was saying is: I wish we were as daring as we used to be.

We passed those silly middle school notes before we had our hearts broken, before we learned to fear rejection and vulnerability. Wow, that's a depressing thought. But, you know what? I think we're all in the same boat, wishing we could go back to being fearless. So, I say: Do it. Crush. Crush hard. Put it all out there; let it be known.

Do you like me? Comment yes or no.


Say What?

While having (several) martinis with a girlfriend last night, she commented on the first time she ever licked a guy's balls. She said: "I don't know where I got the balls to do it, but I loved it because it drove him nuts."

Ah, I love a good pun — or two. The best part, of course, was that she had no idea how punny she was.


Thursday, June 12, 2008

My Fling With a Flamingo

What are you doing after work?

If you're in the Burlington area, you better be headed to the Flamingo Fling, a benefit for the SEABA and the South End Art Hop. The Fling features nearly 60 pink, plastic yard flamingos decorated by local folks — including one from yours truly.

The cool part is, you can bid — silent auction style — on these fabulous flamingos and put them in your own yards. And, ahem, you better bid on mine. Notice the handmade chain harness, collar and eye mask. Yeah, I'm a crafty bitch.



The Flamingo Fling is happening at the Saint John’s Club, located at 9 Central Avenue in Burlington from 5-8 pm. There's a cookout, cash bar, music and, of course, my flamingo. Don't miss it.


Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Working Hard

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My buddy, and fellow cubicle rat, is head over heels for a girl who works in our office. I keep trying to tell him that dating someone at work is a bad idea, but he's not listening.

In my opinion, dating coworkers is a recipe for disaster. If things go downhill, it could mean bad things for him and his coworkers (like me).

Mistress, can you help me knock some sense into him?

Company Man


Dear Company Man,

According to conventional wisdom, dating a coworker is bad news — and for good reason. Ask any human resources representative, and you're likely to get an earful about how intra-office dating is unprofessional and bad for overall morale — not to mention creating the potential for a whopping sexual harassment suit.

However, as hazardous as office mingling may be, sometimes we need to move away from conventional wisdom and live in the real world. According to, 40 percent of us find our partners at work. So perhaps your buddy is on to something?

It is possible for your buddy to date at work and not destroy the office universe; he just has to be smart. If you want to give your friend some helpful advice, tell him to set boundaries — he'll need to keep his paws off her during the day and not let office issues infiltrate the bedroom at night. Also, be sure he's not trying to romance the boss — dating up the office food chain opens a whole other can of worms. Above all else, be professional. If coworkers know these two are dating, they'll be keeping a watchful eye out to make sure the relationship isn’t causing anyone to play favorites or get an undeserved leg up.

While I may condone smart dating in the workplace, that doesn't mean your company handbook agrees. Be sure your buddy knows the rules, or he could turn into a cubicle rat without a cubicle.

Working hard,

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Lingerie = Porn?

Nerveyoutube reports that a pastor and some followers in Vacaville, CA have been stationed outside a lingerie boutique with a video camera and signs reading: "Smile! You're on YouTube" and "Sex Good, Porn Bad." Apparently the pastor, Jeremy White, doesn't discourage wholesome married people from buying lingerie — just the two-timing sluts who are cheating on their spouses. Nerve quotes White:

"I'm not trying to embarrass anybody . . . If you have absolutely no question of conscience about entering this store, then by all means shop away. However, if even only one of the dozens of customers we've deterred from entering is a married person about to do something shady behind their spouse's back then - mission accomplished."

Uhhh, okay.

I, of course, think adults should be able to purchase whatever sexy accoutrements they want without being harassed, but doesn't Vacaville have a smut shop that White can picket, rather than a mainstream lingerie shop? Can you imagine some wacky pastor picketing Bertha Church in Burlington? It's just ridiculous. Or, better yet, perhaps White can keep his sermons in his church, and we'll keep our sex in our bedrooms (or kitchens, bathrooms, living rooms, cars, etc).



PS... When is this heat wave going to end? It's too hot to even think about sex.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Sex and the (Small) City

You may have noticed a decisive lack of Sex and the City movie coverage on my blog — or, perhaps you didn't notice because, like me, you just don't care.

Although, when I heard that Burlington women were headed to the Roxy in droves, wearing cocktail dresses and whistling at any and all men who entered the theater — and I was intrigued. Thankfully, Eva Sollberger filed this report for Seven Days so I didn't have to go see for myself. Thanks, Eva!

Hang onto your Manolo's — these women have had some Cosmos, and they're not holding back.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

What's in a name?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I recently started hanging out with a guy who's going through divorce. I'm smart enough to know that I shouldn't get too close until the divorce is final and he's passed the "rebound" stage. I'm doing a good job of keeping it casual, but there's one thing that's bothering me. On occasions when he refers to his ex, he still calls her "my wife." I realize that, technically, they're still married, but it makes me feel awkward when he says it. I've jokingly brought it up to him, and he said that saying "my soon-to-be ex-wife" is too long and personal, and that "ex-wife" is inaccurate.

Am I overreacting? I consider myself a pretty cool cucumber, but this is getting under my skin.

Reluctant Mistress


Dear Reluctant,

Before your cucumber gets pickled, it's time to have a chat with your "husband."

His use of the word "wife" could mean nothing at all — it could just be an off-the-cuff, conditioned way of referring to the person he married. (Plus, he's right: "Soon-to-be ex-wife" is just too much.) However, continuing to use the phrase "my wife" may also indicate that he's not ready to let her go. In which case, what is he doing with you?

Regardless of his reasons for using "wife," his language is bothering you; therefore, it's time for you to stop "jokingly" bringing it up and let him know how it makes you feel. If he likes and respects you, he'll change his vocabulary or share more with you about his emotional state. Either way, his response will give you more insight into where you stand.

Hey, here's an idea: Why doesn't he try calling her by her name? Because, honestly, if he's saying "my wife" while on a date with you — whatever his reasons — that's just plain tacky. Reluctant, follow your gut on this one. Dating a guy who's going through divorce is difficult enough — one who won't give up the ghost of the old relationship is worse.

Good luck,

Tuesday, June 03, 2008


I have a ton of work to do. Rather than doing it, I'm procrastinating by looking at Etch-a-Sketch porn courtesy of Boinkology. Care to join me?


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