Swimming Upstream

Dearest Mistress Maeve,

I find myself in a quandary. I recently started dating a woman named Mary who’s been a friend for a while. There had always been sparks between us, but one or both of us was always involved with someone else. Recently we both became single, have hung out a couple of times, and have been hooking up some.

So where’s the problem? The problem is her friend Emily. Every time I see Emily, I want her instead of Mary. The three of us, along with other friends, all spent a recent weekend whitewater rafting together. I couldn’t take my eyes off Emily, despite the fact that Mary is attractive, smart, kind and funny, and I have been thinking about her constantly.

Can I make the switch? Is this possible, or will I just ruin three friendships in the process? How would one go about it if it were?

Sincerely,
One Too Many

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Dear OTM,

Forget whitewater rafting — you're rowing in far more dangerous waters.  Crushes happen, but crushing on your girlfriend's friend may send you up the proverbial creek without a paddle.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people decide the fate of their primary relationship based on whether they think they can seal the deal with someone else — it's cruel and selfish. You have to decide if Mary is the right girl for you, and it's not fair to base Mary's worth on whether or not you think your advances to Emily will be reciprocated.

If you decide to end it with Mary, give it some time before pursuing Emily. You, Mary and the three friendships involved could use a little space to mellow before you navigate the rapids of a new relationship.

One more thought: I'm sensing a pattern here. In previous relationships, you were pining after Mary. Now that you have Mary, you're pining after someone else. You should give some serious consideration to your "grass is always greener" mentality. "Be here now" is a popular bumper sticker for a reason.

In the moment,
MM

Comments

[Big Al]

With Mary, you've got a known & proven entity. With Emily, you've got a gamble. You seem to be primarily physically attracted to Emily. Even if your attraction is more than that, it's a gamble that you'll like what you find if things became serious. It's a gamble that you could move from Mary to Emily without an implosion of feelings all the way around. Stop and consider what the odds are of it all going your way, versus the other way around. If it goes badly, Mary will probably hate you, Emily will probably hate you, Mary and Emily will probably hate each other. I think there's a clear path here. Mary's the sure thing. You're not a heel for having those feelings, it's only natural to have an attraction. But I think you would be a heel to shit on Mary. She sounds worth the investment.

[MistressMaeve]

I was chatting with a colleague about this topic, and he says when you have a girlfriend, you just have to shut down whatever part of your brain would be attracted to her friends — because the end result will likely be a huge mess. While I agree with him, I think it's far more easily said than done.

However, if you're able to shut it down, you can avoid having to "gamble" and weigh the "odds" — not to mention avoiding a Mary "versus" Emily situation, which just all sounds too icky to deal with. I don't disagree with any of your points, Big Al — but it sounds like you're trying to decide upon sticking with your current car or trading in for a different model.

I think if Mary or Emily knew what was going on, he just might end up paddling all by his lonesome.

[Big Al]

Nah, my approach is much more human than that. I tend to word things clinically so I don't lose my meaning. I see Mary as the sure thing because he already knows they go together well. Based on the information given, this is how I see it. For the record, I leep-frogged from a girlfriend to one of her friends and I can assure you there was no winner.

[MistressMaeve]

Thanks, Big Al.

This question was really difficult for me to approach. Most of the time I feel like people should go after what they really, really want... but there comes a time when you have to wonder why you always want something other than what you have. He should probably give it a go with Mary. Or, perhaps he should say goodbye to both women and figure out what he truly wants deep down.

Ugh. See, this is why I don't date. Horrors!