Did that really count?

Earlier this summer I read a list of "Seven Sexual Partners That Don't (Have To) Count," prepared by Amelia McDonell-Parry over at The Frisky. Most people keep a list of their sexual partners. McDonell-Parry contends that, when tallying up those partners, some of them just don't have to count.

For a moment, let's put aside the obvious problem with this concept — that we should want to decrease numbers whenever possible so as not to appear like sluts, when we should really be embracing our sexual histories — and examine some of her arguments. I agree with some of her items. For instance, if "you’re less than 51 percent sure that penetration actually occurred," I think you have a pretty good case for not counting that encounter. And, of course, if sex occurred without consent, you're not obligated to put that on the list.

However, McDonell-Parry also says partners shouldn't have to count if "you can't remember it" or if you "really, really, really regret it." C'mon — you can't un-ring a bell. Why the shame? You made a decision to have naked time with this person — regardless of whether or not you can remember his/her name — so embrace it.

She also sites that if "it lasted less than 10 seconds and no one finished" or if you or your partner had "a bad case of whiskey dick," it doesn't count. In other words, if you or your partner can't keep it up or decides not to finish, it doesn't count. I don't know — like I was taught in catechism class, "If it's in, it's sin."

Finally, McDonell-Parry asserts that even if one has sex in Vegas — it still counts. Agreed.

Like I said, I have some problems with this concept in general. For starters, this is a rather heterosexist commentary on the definition of sex — how do women who have sex with women count the notches on their bedposts? Secondly, what's the big deal with numbers? As long as you're safe, who cares how many partners you've had? However, I did think it was an interesting way to examine "the list." Do you have partners you don't count? If so, why not?

MM

Comments

[Boyflux]

Well, when you can count your partners on one hand, I suppose the point is really moot. Is it okay to inflate the number?

I've also wondered how fem-fem encounters are counted. If standard non-penetrative counters are enumerated for gay couples, then I do believe that blowies and such should count for the hetero squad as well.

I think that the reason people are afraid, or maybe embarassed, by an exorbitant number of partners is because they don't like to accept their "failures". Society tells us that if you have a lot of partners you're a slut; If you have few partners, you're a prude.

What's the appropriate number? Is there one? It's all subjective. I personally don't think I could be with someone who has had even 15 or so partners at this stage in my life. But I guess it really depends on the girl. If she doesn't show signs of rabid impetuousness, indecision, or cruelty then that's a definite plus. However, I've been with a girl with all of those flaws and was willing to accept that as her past until dishonesty reared it's ugly head.

So, long story short (too late!), over-indulgence is a forgivable sin - lying is not. And omission without a damn good reason, is still lying.

[MistressMaeve]

Boyflux,

I was with you up until "I personally don't think I could be with someone who has had even 15 or so partners at this stage in my life. But I guess it really depends on the girl. If she doesn't show signs of rabid impetuousness, indecision, or cruelty then that's a definite plus."

I want to make sure I'm reading this right -- are you somehow connecting experienced women with being cruel and indecisive? I know plenty of amazing women who have had more than 15 sexual partners and show no signs of the above.

If anything, it takes much decision making and a kind disposition to have such an array of sexual experience ;)

[Boyflux]

Mistress,

I'm not saying that's necessarily the case, it just happened to be my personal experience...unfortunately. In my case the girl was smart, beautiful, vibrant and pretty much a sociopath. It's kind of jaded me and made me reevaluate a lot of things about myself, as well. The other negative personality traits in the combination I listed should have really been inexcusable on their own.

To be honest, 15 is pretty arbitrary. Being inexperienced, I think I would find it rather intimidating to be with someone more schooled in the "sensual" arts. I suppose that's *my* issue, not hers.

I guess that I tend to base initial thoughts on experience. I'm impulsive and quick to jump to conclusions...I think that's part of the Sagitarrian in me. I don't think I've met a worldly woman that I could use as a positive example...save for maybe one. But I wouldn't presume that I knew her well enough to say.

That said, I still stick with my original conclusion, though it may have been lost in my overdramatized past ordeals: Count them all because the truth is *always* more fulfilling than a lie, even if it's just a lie to yourself.

[justathought]

I have to agree w/Mistress and Wholeheartedly disagree w/Boyflux!
I am over the allowed "15" as per BoyFlux standards and all in all I am an good person. Honest, open, loving, and more importantly unjudgemental.
Many men I find has the closed minded mentality that BoyFlux seems to have which may lead many women to lie about their numbers. If there was not such a stigma on women being sluts and men being studs I think women would be more unfront w/their true numbers. But unfortunately BoyFlux you have again proven that men do still live the "double standard"
More than 15 does not make a woman bad. A bad woman is simply a bad woman regardless of their sexual history.

[Boyflux]

Justathought,

This is going to come off defensively, but did you read my second post? I can understand the venom, but in my case it's not a double standard. It was an arbitrary number that I said *I* would feel comfortable with in *my* given situation. I'm not passing judgement on all - it's just a ball park that makes sense for me. I apologize if that wasn't clear.

You're right that bad is bad; it has nothing to do with a number. I just happened to get a bad apple that was experienced (>>15 partners) for a good number of those negative reasons. My judgement is tainted because of that, but as I pose in my conclusion, having a greater number of partners is fine, but lying about it is unacceptable to me.

Again, I'm sorry if that was lost in translation from brain to fingers to screen. Hemingway, I'm not - in either literate aptitude or lecherousness or misogyny.

[justathought]

Boyflux,

We all have bad experiences, been hurt, been lied to, etc. This however should not cloud your judgment when it comes to future lovers/partners.
Its easy to say "Well I should have known she was a slut" That's simply taking the easy way out and not really looking for the signs that she was a bad person for you.
I'm just afraid w/your tainted judgement you may pass on some wonderful partners and/or experience. Open your mind and realize that a sexually experienced woman can also be a very positive thing and something that may be worth your time.
But just be aware that women can tell when they can truly be honest w/a partner you may send out the wrong vibe that may warn her not to be truthful with numbers. And speaking of numbers, do we really need to know each others numbers? Does that really have bearing on a current and present relationship? I don't believe so.

[Twofer]

One girl was so awesome, I actually count her twice.

[Boyflux]

Justathought,

You're very right, if I sat around counting a woman's partners and not seeing the beauty in front of me, then I'd could very well miss out on something life altering. And we really don't need to know numbers. In my case it would probably just get me flummoxed, anxious, and insecure. Where there's love, the number shouldn't even be an issue - that's the romantic side of me talking. The pratical side is screaming "so long as you're both clean!" The romantic side usually wins, though...

Twofer,

I believe in gaming that's called a Bonus. hehe...Bone-us....hehe...eh...sorry.