Express Yourself

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My boyfriend of 2.5 years moved in with me a couple months ago. Things are going really well, and he makes me happy. I know I love and care deeply for him, but I am somehow convinced we are not in love when I see other couples who express more verbal affection towards one another. He rarely tells me he loves me (unless we are making love), and we don't have any of that cliché romantic stuff in our relationship. I am torn because I feel like if I end it, I am throwing away a great relationship with potential for a future; however, I'm not being fulfilled in certain ways, and I'm longing for more.

Sincerely,
Confused And Heavy Hearted

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Dear C.A.H.H.,

For the most part, it sounds like you're happy in your relationship and can see a future with this guy. The issues you're having with how your guy expresses his love for you are not uncommon and may be resolvable with an honest conversation and some practice. Have a talk with your man about how you're feeling. Ask him how he expresses love — you may find that, instead of saying "I love you," he shows you he loves you by warming up your car in the winter or rubbing your feet after a long day. At the same time, don't be afraid to tell him how you prefer to be shown love. Let him know you'd like to hear those three little words more often. If he cares about you, he'll try to oblige.

When your relationship goes through major transitions — like moving in together — it's only natural for your fears and reservations to rise to the surface. Just remember, people express love in a multitude of ways, and it's not always with a dozen long-stemmed red roses. Too often, those "other couples" you reference are overcompensating for deeper problems with that "cliché romantic stuff."

Love,
MM

Comments

[me]

i just want to share my own experience in hopes that it will encourage you to take mm's advice...

i am in a relationship with a terrific guy who does not say "i love you" with words. he is not affectionate and does not buy me flowers and chocolate.

instead, he grows flowers in his garden and brings them inside for me. he makes pesto and grills chicken for me. he reads out loud to me. he walks the dogs and brings me lunch at work. he lets me choose the movie. he puts my bicycle on my rack and opens jars.

he tells me that his parents were not physically affectionate. he thinks that the word "love" is thrown around too casually, and he is not comfortable with it.

even others can be critical, but the important thing is that *i* know how he feels about me...and it sounds like you know how your man feels about you, too.

[bruce]

Pretend for a moment that it is impossible for your boyfriend to speak. The only way for him to communicate his feelings toward you are his actions and other non-verbal cues. Do those things in the relationship make you feel loved by him? If so, consider that some men have a very hard time saying romantic things, even 'I love you', in a casual or frequent fashion. Deep love for someone should not require a specific protocol to validate it's existence.

[akt]

I know how you feel and I urge you to proceed with caution. Like the other comments said, there are more ways to say "I love you" than with words. But beware about possible underlying psychological issues with holding back affection. I met and married a wonderful man and overlooked our lack of romance as environmental (tired, busy, broke, etc.) but it became apparent after awhile that there was more going on. His feelings of low self-esteem make him uncomfortable with focused romantic attention; either giving or receiving, and his many failed past relationships reinforced his feelings of unworthiness. Now I am torn because I love him and I know he loves me and we are in counseling together but my heart still sinks every time I watch couples onscreen or in real life sharing the kind of passion that I long for. On a bad day I feel trapped and unfulfilled and wonder what I've gotten myself into. On a good day, it's easy to remember why I love him and to see that he loves me. Don't dump your good guy but don't ignore the red flags either. Urge him to go to counseling with you or at least try to talk to him honestly about why these displays make him so uncomfortable. If you sense the issue goes deeper, think long and hard about a long-term commitment. Your feelings will not go away.

[mistress Maeve]

AKT,

Thanks for sharing your experience. Fear of intimacy and showing affection can be so difficult, and I applaud you for seeking counseling and working on these issues.

I think the goal, at least for me, is to get to the place where "ME" is coming from in the first comment. ME's guy doesn't say, "I love you," but they've talked about it, and they have an understanding of how he shows his love.

MM