Bro No

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I've been single for a while, and I'm looking to get back into the dating game. I recently was introduced to the older sister of a close friend of mine, and we hit it off. About a week ago I had a party at my house, which both my friend and his sis attended. I found out from my friend at the party, in some vague terms, that his sister had some interest in me. He also, while hammered drunk, gave me his "full blessing" to "hit on [his] sister".

However, I worry about whether he actually feels comfortable about it. He's the kind of guy who is more apt to put on a brave face than speak out about something that bothers him. On top of that, his sister is coming off a serious relationship, and I don't know her thoughts on dating again. Personally, I'm not expecting anything serious, and it makes me worry that if I do opt to pursue the sister and it doesn't work out, things will become awkward between the three of us. Do I take a shot with the sis, or play it safe with my buddy?

Signed,

Bro Code in Boston

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Dear Bro Code,

Forget it. If you're "not expecting anything serious," don't even go there. The Bro Code — a set of laws dictating how dudes interact — prohibits you from pursuing a relationship with your buddy's sister unless you are ready to make her your bride. Given your lukewarm feelings and her fresh-out-of-a-relationship status, you are better off hosting your pants-off dance-off with someone else.

However, if your feelings for her grow, there is hope. Have a talk with your friend. Let him know that, while you appreciate his drunken blessings, you'd prefer his sober reassurance. If you date her, you must be the consummate gentleman — you'll have little room for error in this relationship and a high price to pay if you screw it up. Be sure you care enough about this girl to risk your friendship with your buddy — because that's exactly what's at stake.

Brotherly love,

MM

Comments

[Notabro]

"Bro Code"? Eeeeww.

[Big Al]

Ah, the art of the bromance.

[Mistress Maeve]

What? Not a Neil Patrick Harris fan?

[Big Al]

Nah,and I'm straight besides.

[Notabro]

I just kind of bristle at the notion that there is such a thing of "a set of laws dictating how dudes interact," even if it was tongue-in-cheek. I mean, come on. If we can't move past bullshit stereotyped gender roles on a sex blog, where can we?

Also, is the Bro Code a subset of the Man Laws? Should I worry that I'll turn gay if I toast beer bottles around the mouth and get another guy's saliva on my lips?

[Mistress Maeve]

I get what you're saying. Still, there's something totally satisfying about an uber-gay man playing the role of a "bro." Of course, I don't reference that in my response, so you were totally justified in calling me out.

Thanks for reading and for the feedback.

MM

[Big Al]

Lets not kid ourselves here. ALL subsets of society have their "CODES". Granted, some are more high-maintenance than others, but there ya go.

MM certainly has her codes, dontcha sweetie?

[Ce.]

Maybe it's time we moved past some of those outdated "codes." I mean, everyone involved here is an adult, right? As adults, maybe they need to let go of the implied responsibility for the actions and emotions of the others. I don't get how it's the brother's business if his adult sister wants to pursue a possible fling with this guy - maybe she's just looking for a little post-break-up diversion? And if he's not looking for anything serious, how is any of it the brother's business? Or, here's a suggestion, how about the friend and the sister get to know one another before hitting the horizontal disco?(Radical, I know.) Yeah, yeah.... human beings don't work that way and we still have a cultural "big brother" attitude toward women - literally, in this case. Still, if I were the sister in this triangle, I'd be telling my brother to look after his own affairs.

[Big Al]

But to reduce this to its simplest terms, BCB understands, and rightly so, that romantic/sexual relationships come and go while most friendships are very long term. Is it worth a possibly very brief fling to lose a long term friendship? Which is more valuable? Kinda like fishing in the company pond.

[Ce.]

But Big Al, does it really have to be that way? How about the girl's brother step off and let her choose for herself? She's an adult - she is responsible for her own feelings and her own actions - just as BCB is. Hopefully those actions will include a little honesty (with themselves and each other) about what they truly want and are ready for. Sure, romances come and go; presumably they both understand that, as should the brother. I say it's got nothing to do with him, and it's entirely possible she's just looking for a post-break-up fling anyway - only she can know for sure. Why do there necessarily have to be hard feelings it they don't wind up traipsing down the aisle? A little communication could go a long way toward a lot better relationships all the way around. And I can tell you, any guy (who I'm not involved with) who thinks it's somehow his business to oversee my romantic life had better step off. (In the interest of full disclosure, I've never had a big brother. Maybe it's just as well; I have no patience with paternalism.) "Fishing in the company pond." Such an evocative metaphore.....

[Big Al]

I completely and totally agree my friend. And then there's reality, which can be a biotch.

[herewegoinvt]

I agree some codes are stupid and have too many layers, but the 'Bro Code' is pretty loose. Besides, if you think people aren't affected by how you treat their kin, then you run the risk of losing a good friend and, perhaps, a few teeth as well. Expecting people to be logical and act reasonable where family and/or emotions run deep is foolish. If you like the Sister, then keep seeing her socially. If the bro didn't think you were a good match, or a good guy, he wouldn't have introduced you and given you his blessing as he assumed you would do right by his sister.