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Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Cheaters Never Prosper

Dear Mistress,

My heart is torn. My ex-girlfriend now lives 1000 miles away, but she is still in love with me, and I love her, too. Our relationship ended in July after she cheated on me in a pretty bad way. However, we've stayed in touch, and she very much wants to get back together with me. She says she's ready to change her ways and promises to be a paragon of virtue. I'm afraid to go there because I got burned last time, and I don't want to ask her to commit because I don't think she can. Also, I've been having fun on the side myself. We're basically in an open relationship at this point, but it's a gray area that I don't enjoy.

Do I hold off until August when we'll be in the same place for a while, or do I jump into a situation that I'm not 100 percent comfortable with? I'm a relationship kind of guy, but this girl is testing my ability to forgive.

Any Middle Ground?


Dear Any Middle Ground,

There's no way around it: Cheating sucks. She betrayed your trust and is now testing your ability to be a forgiving partner by crawling back with promises of change and virtue — pretty rotten, if you ask me. While it's possible for couples to work through infidelity, it takes copious communication, intimacy and dedicated time — things you cannot access with 1000 miles between you. Plus, if your gut is telling you she's still not ready to commit, why would you put yourself in harm's way again?

Take the next six months to focus on yourself, and suggest she do the same. You say you're having fun on the side, and you owe it to yourself to explore new relationships unencumbered by a long-distance cheating ex-lover. If, after you've spent some quality time apart, you're still in love with her, give it a go when you're in the same zip code. Until then, let her be a paragon of virtue for someone else — you've got better things to do.

Paragon of whoop-ass,

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Han(d) Solo

Starburlyq We don't have a lot of burlesque in Vermont, but if we did, I'd want it to be Star Wars burlesque.

Check out photos from the Mos Eisley Cantina — a temporary title for a night of Star Wars burlesque held at L.A.'s club Bordello. They've got it all, from a fishnet-clad Darth Vader to a strangely attractive Jabba the Hutt.

Be careful when you click the link — you might have a Han(d) Solo moment.

(Photo by Shannon Cottrell for LA Weekly)

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Work Ethics

Dear Mistress,

I'm hoping you can give me a little advice before I muck up a potentially fun situation. I've been harboring a secret crush on a guy in my work circles for years. On second thought, I don't know how secret it really is, given our flirtatious nature, but I always thought it was just part of our business rapport. Recently I heard through the grapevine that he has some interest in me, and I'm feeling excited and a little overwhelmed. This guy is smart, charismatic, maybe a little dangerous and extremely handsome — good combo.

The problem is, my company and his company do a lot of business together, and I'm worried a relationship of any kind could be construed as a conflict of interest. My company doesn't have any hard and fast policies on fraternizing, but it still makes me nervous. What do you think? What is the etiquette on this stuff in 2010?

Job Security


Dear Job Security,

Forget etiquette. With the obscene amount of time Americans spend working, we don't have time to meet potential mates anyplace else. In fact, reported that 40 percent of Americans find partners at work — I'd like to see an H.R. department try to keep up with those numbers. If you've been hot for this guy for years, and it turns out he's hot for you, too — go for it.

It sounds like he hasn't made a move, so don't get your panties in a bunch just yet. But if he does ask you out, be prepared. Tell him your concerns up front and suggest that it might be better to get to know each other in a not-so-public fashion. If your budding romance turns out to be a wilted flower, no one will be the wiser. However, if you hit it off romantically, be prepared to be honest with your employer and allow the powers that be to make any adjustments necessary to your position. It's a risk, but in matters of the heart, it's a risk worth taking.

Employee of the Month,

And the winner is...

A couple weeks ago, I asked you to comment with the best love and/or sex advice you had ever received for a chance to win a copy of Best Sex Writing 2010. You did not disappoint. I was amused, enlightened and even turned on by some of your answers. You made it very difficult to choose just one winner!

As much as I loved the readers who advised, "If it smells like trout, get out; if it smells like salmon, keep on jammin'," and "DO NOT STICK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY," I had to ultimately go with something a little more helpful. The winning comment came from NOTTX who said: "Everyone's crazy. You just have to find someone whose craziness is compatible with yours."

So true, right?

You can check out all the responses here. Stay tuned for more contests -- this was fun.


Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Oral Woes

Dear Mistress,

I've been dating a girl for about two years. She's amazing, and I love her very much. We're both really into sex, but here's my quandary: I rarely get off when she gives me oral. It's not that she's unwilling to try, or that she's a prude; I'm pretty sure she'd do whatever I asked of her. I think the problem is a mental block on my part. My thinking goes: "I'm getting head, and I'm about to get sex! Great!" So I stay the course until we end up having sex. Problem is, the few times we can't have sex, and she wants to get me off from oral, she can't. When she asks me how it feels, I say, "Great!" Let's face it: Oral feels good. There isn't much she could be doing differently, but it's really starting to bother her that she can't get me off when doing oral.

What can I do to get rid of this mental block?



Dear Orgasmorator,

Well-intentioned guys often train themselves to hold back during foreplay to ensure a rousing round of intercourse. However, this type of behavior puts too much focus on the old "in-and-out" and doesn't leave enough room for all the other pleasurable ways to orgasm. Believe it or not, heterosexual sex doesn't always have to climax with intercourse.

Conduct an experiment with your girlfriend. Choose a night when you'll have ample time and make intercourse off limits. If you're accustomed to lying back while your partner gives you oral, try taking a more active role. Some men report that they can't climax unless they're in control of the motion, so try some new positions where you can simulate thrusting (both of you lying on your sides or her lying on her back with you above her). Just remember — this is a two-way experiment. Whatever oral attention she pays you, you'll need to return blow for blow (so to speak).

Getting you off will make your partner feel like an oral aficionado and boost her sexual confidence. However, if oral still doesn't give you the "Big O," don't sweat it. You and your partner have something special — you're both into giving each other pleasure. So who really cares how you get off? 

Blown Away,

P.S. If you haven't already entered for your chance to win a copy of Best Sex Writing 2010, click here to enter. I'm accepting entries through Monday.

Friday, January 08, 2010

Pipe Dream

Finally, the weekend has arrived — and I can't wait to let my hair down. Whatever your naughty plans are for this weekend, please try not to do anything as stupid as the guy in Hampshire, United Kingdom who hit headlines yesterday. The Sun is reporting that a 40-something-year-old man had to call authorities after getting his shlong stuck in a steel pipe. Physicians from Southampton General Hospital could not free the captive member, so they called in the Hampshire Fire and Rescue Service to free the man using a METAL GRINDER. Agh!

And you thought sticking your tongue to a frozen pipe was a bad idea...

Have a fun and safe weekend,

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Wanna Get Lucky?

Seven Days ended up with two copies of Best Sex Writing 2010 (edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel, so you know it's good), and I've decided to give one away to a lucky reader.

Bestsex If you're a sex nerd (or an aspiring sex nerd), this book is a must-have on your shelf. Best Sex Writing 2010 covers some of the most timely and provocative sex questions of the day. From Christine Seifert's look at the erotic bite behind Twilight to John DeVore's essay on what really turns men on (hint: It's not only Megan Fox), this collection goes from erotic to thought-provoking with every turn of the page. Plus, you'll also find Seven Days' own Judith Levine between the covers of this killer collection. Her reexamination of teen sexting leaves us wondering whether the criminalization of teen sexual expression is really in the best interest of our children.

If you'd like to get your hands all over a copy of Best Sex Writing 2010, all you have to do is leave a comment on this post describing the best sex or relationship advice you've ever received and why it was so valuable to you. Be sure to use a valid email address so I can contact you if you are the winner (you'll then be able to pick up the book at the Seven Days office, or I'll mail it to you). I'll be accepting comments through Monday, January 18.

I'm a giveaway virgin, so be gentle.


Monday, January 04, 2010

Jersey Porn

Over my nice, long winter break, while others were debating whether to call this year "twenty-ten" or "two-thousand-ten," I was busy with more important matters — like, catching up on episodes of MTV's "Jersey Shore."

If you haven't caught this pop culture phenomenon yet, MTV threw seven self-proclaimed "Guidos" and "Guidettes" into a house on the infamous Jersey shore and let the cameras roll. I was unfamiliar with this subculture of hair gel, fake tans and fist pumping, but now I can't seem to get enough of the action — and neither can the Jersey roommates. Sex abounds with a rooftop hot tub and roomies hooking up with one another. With nicknames like "Snooki," "The Situation" and "Sweetheart," I suppose it was only a matter of time before someone thought to make a porno spoof about the "Jersey Shore" gang. And who better to make the film but Taryn Thomas, a Jersey-born porn star once voted "Dirtiest Girl in Porn." posted side-by-side photos of the real "Jersey Shore" cast members next to the porn stars who will play them in Thomas's upcoming Jersey Shore XXX. Have a look at the casting here and let me know what you think, but please know this link is NOT okay for viewing at work.

Line I'd most like to hear in Thomas's upcoming flick? "How's that for fist pumpin'?"


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