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Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Dropping the L-bomb

Dear Mistress,

One of my most trusted male advisers assured me that I, as a woman, should never say "I love you" first, and surely not within the first few months of a relationship.

I've been with my man for just a couple of months but find myself falling quickly into what feels a heck of a lot like love — trust him like no other, never felt this way before, yadda, yadda, yadda. The past few women he's been with have done him very wrong, and there was a moment at the beginning of our relationship when he got squirrelly about getting involved with someone again. The squirrelly phase has since passed, but I completely understand his anxiety about women and wonder if he'll be slow to drop the proverbial "L-bomb" before he's confident that I feel the same. Thus, should I say it first?

L-Bomb Scare


Dear L-Bomb,

The beginning of a relationship is equal parts thrilling and terrifying — and the "I love you" dance is all part of the ride. It would be much easier if we never had to be the one to say "I love you" first, but then we'd never know what it's like to take a chance, put our hearts on the line and declare our true feelings.

That said, getting an "I love you"' too soon is akin to having the proverbial cigarette before fucking instead of afterward -- it's unearned and far less satisfying. Besides, it's only been a couple months — you still have much to discover about one another, including about a million of his annoying habits that might make the idea of saying "I love you" lose its luster.

As for women in hetero relationships not saying "I love you" first — that's crap. All feminist posturing aside, this archaic way of thinking is also offensive to men. If we say that men must have control over the word "love," we're also saying that they are unable to accept love that is offered to them. Men deserve a little more credit than that, don't you think?

Saying "I love you" should feel effortless. If you're having anxiety about the potential outcomes, why not let yourself off the hook for a while. Take a deep breath, let it out and relax. Enjoy your new boyfriend and the love you're feeling. I guarantee, you'll know when the moment's right to drop the "L-bomb" — if he doesn't drop it first.

Preparing the bomb shelter,

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Livin' La Vida Open

Surprise! Ricky Martin is GAY!

What? You're not surprised?

Martin came out of the closet yesterday with a statement on his website, citing his two children as the main motivation to finally confirm the rumors that had been swirling about his sexuality for years: "To keep living as I did up until today would be to indirectly diminish the glow that my kids were born with," Martin said.  "Enough is enough. This has to change. This was not supposed to happen 5 or 10 years ago, it is supposed to happen now. Today is my day, this is my time, and this is my moment."

I'm just hoping he changes his lyrics to, "He bangs, he bangs..."


Money Shot

Think Progress is reporting that Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele dropped a fat wad of cash during his February trip to California — including $1,946.25 at Voyeur West Hollywood (NSFW). If you're unfamiliar with Voyeur, it's "A destination for provocative revelry that combines eroticism and nightlife exclusivity. An alluring ambiance designed with elegance and comfort while maintaining underground vitality."

A more colorful description from a patron can be found on "There’s a half-naked girl hanging from a net across the ceiling and at one point I walked to the bathroom and pretty much just stopped dead in my tracks to watch two girls simulating oral sex in a glass case.”

Nice use of funds, RNC. I hope they got some footage of this wild night for Sarah Palin's new reality show on TLC.


Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Effeminate Mystique

Dear Mistress,

I was friendly with this guy for over a year. I always thought he was really hot, but I assumed he was gay because he's on the effeminate side, and I witnessed him drunkenly kissing boys at bars. However, in November, he corrected me and told me that he was "definitely straight." As soon as he said that, I asked him out. We've been "dating" ever since, hanging out a couple times per week and having sex every two weeks or so — not exactly a whirlwind romance, but our connection is too compelling to let him go.

He says he has a hard time thinking of me as more than a good friend, but he still allows me to plan — and pay for — elaborate dates. Then he dropped a bomb on me last week: He told me he has a crush on another girl and asked me for advice. Oh, and by the way, he's still making out with men on occasion. I'm a 36-year-old woman — aren't I too old for this bullshit?

Also, I feel like I should have my sexuality figured out by now, but I'm constantly confusing myself. I've had sex with a number of gay men, and I've also tried dating women. I find that I'm only attracted to feminine women and effeminate men — what is my deal?

Please help,
Fractured Attraction


Dear Fractured,

Girlfriend, whether or not your boyfriend is gay is the least of your worries.

Let's review: He makes out with other people, he doesn't pay for dates, he only sexes you every two weeks, and he's asking you for advice about other women. How much more time are you willing to waste on this guy?  

As for your "deal" — comedian and queer icon Margaret Cho said in the latest edition of Original Plumbing Magazine that "I'm really attracted to masculinity whether it's in a female-bodied person or a male-bodied person. To me, masculinity is sexually arousing, that's what I'm oriented to..." Have you considered that you might be like Cho, only attracted to femininity? Forget about being attracted to a gender and go with whatever turns you on. Dump your waffling, freeloading boyfriend for a feminine person — male, female or transgender — who can love you back.

Femininely yours,

Tuesday, March 23, 2010


The only thing keeping Ghost Whisperer actress Jennifer Love Hewitt relevant these days is her vajazzled crotch. Yep, I said "vajazzled." She recently went on the George Lopez show — he has a late-night talk show on some cable channel — and discussed how she regularly bedazzles her va-jay-jay with Swarovski Crystals in a process called vajazzling.

Since Hewitt's cooter confession, vajazzling has become the latest spa craze. Check out this video of Bryce Gruber from The Luxury Spot getting vajazzled in New York City (via dlisted). While the video doesn't show all her goodies, it's probably not work appropriate. (Please note that the spa spokeswoman can't even say the word vagina.)

I think Vermonters should have their own vajazzling options — like cow-shaped stencils decorated with Danforth pewter or crystallized maple syrup.



Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Bet on Wet

Dear Mistress,

Why is it that some women get really wet during sex and others do not? I've been with women who get so wet, it's almost intimidating; however, some of my partners remain mostly dry and make me wonder if they're even interested in me.

What's the deal with wetness, and how can I maneuver wet and dry without making my partner feel awkward?

Weathering the Tide


Dear Weathering,

Simply put, every vagina is different. It's nearly impossible to gauge a woman's level of arousal by wetness alone, so it's better to take it as it comes (so to speak).

Vaginal wetness can be dictated by a number of factors, including menstrual cycle and medications. I'm no pharmacist, but I've had friends complain that various medications, especially antidepressants and antihistamines, can cause vaginal dryness.

Whether the forecast is flooding or drought, you should always be prepared for the weather. Unfortunately, women are taught to be self-conscious about their bodies and can therefore be uncomfortable with their own vaginal wetness (or lack thereof). If your partner is super-wet, tell her how much you love being able to feel her arousal. By the same token, if your partner is on the drier side, be sure to keep a water-based lube handy to maximize enjoyment. Have fun with it — lube isn't a punishment, it's a slippery good time for all parties involved.

Meet you at the wet bar,

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Pervy Payback

Dear Mistress,

I'm a guy in my early thirties, and I've been seeing a woman for a few months. She has completely blown my mind wide open about sex. Until her, I'd always had "pleasant" sex with my girlfriends. Now I never know what to expect. She recently fulfilled a long-time fantasy of mine by meeting me for a drink at a bar on Church Street wearing nothing but a garter belt, stockings and high heels underneath an overcoat. Needless to say, it was hot!

So, what's the problem? I feel like she's doing all the work, and I'm just going along for the ride. I try to think of things that I could do to excite her as much as she excites me, but I find myself doubting my abilities. I worry my ideas will fall flat, and I'll look like an ass. How can I repay her for all the unbelievable sex she's given me?



Dear Indebted,

Stop living like you're in debt and begin living like a rich man, because you've certainly hit the jackpot with this partner.

While it's admirable that you want to reciprocate the naughty gifts your girlfriend is masterfully giving, you can't let your penchant for payback paralyze you and make you doubt your abilities. Remember, there's nothing more unattractive than low self-esteem.

In all likelihood, your girl is enjoying every sinful second of your love affair just as much as you are. Your encouragement and willingness to bend to her every whim must be a turn-on for her, or else she wouldn't keep dreaming up dirty deeds to share with you.

That said, you always want to be an equal partner in your relationship. The best way to know if you're living up to your partner's expectations is simply to ask. Tell her how enamored you are of her overactive erotic imagination and ask her if you can contribute further. She sounds like an über-confident woman — I'm sure she'll let you know if it's time to pay the piper.

Imaginatively yours,

Thursday, March 04, 2010

Casual Jealousy?

Dear Mistress,

I'm a thirtysomething woman living in Montpelier. I've been sleeping with this guy on and off for over a year — no strings attached. Ultimately, I'm just not interested in him in that way, plus he's made it clear he's not into a relationship with me.

I'm writing to you because he's now interested in this girl I know. I hate to admit it, but I'm finding myself a little jealous. What's more is that this girl and I have a good mutual friend in common, and we've recently been invited to the same small social gatherings — she nearly ended up at my house last week with our mutual friend, and that would have made me really uncomfortable.

I have two questions. First, is it normal for me to be jealous, even though I don't want a relationship with this guy? Second, how do I deal with this impending "friendship" with this girl, if we keep ending up at the same places?

Strings Attached


Dear Strings,

Having casual sex in a small city like Montpelier is vastly more complicated than getting it on in a larger town. In a rural state like Vermont, you may be able to keep your emotions in check for a "no-strings-attached" affair, but you'll most likely still have to navigate seeing your ex-lovers in social situations — and that includes watching them move on to new relationships.

When you have a year-long relationship with someone, whether it is purely physical or not, you develop feelings; it's natural. Don't be too worried about your jealousy — just keep it in check. If you truly do not want a relationship with this guy, stop wasting your time worrying about whom he's seeing — channel that energy into worrying about your own life.

As for the girl, know your boundaries. You don't have to be B.F.F with her just because you have a mutual friend. Be classy and polite in public, but stop short of divulging your innermost secrets. Believe it or not, it is possible to keep acquaintances at arm's length — even in Vermont.


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