Waiting Game

Dear Mistress,

I'm a guy. I like sex (perhaps even more than the average guy). So here's my question: While I can't envision being happy in a long-term relationship without a healthy diet of good sex, I've found that leaping into sexual activity too early in a relationship can — if the sex is really good — put one or both people into a state of blissful desire that can make everything seem exceptionally swell, even if other forms of compatibility may be lacking.

At the same time, dating too long without makin' some moves can have its own drawbacks — you might become very fond of someone, only to find out you're not cut out for bliss in bed.

I'm at a point in life where I want a lasting relationship, but I don't want to wait too long to have sex with a potential partner. Where's the happy medium?

Signed,
First Date Mate

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Dear Mate,

While it's important to know whether you're compatible when it comes to communication, values and goals, it's also important to know if you click in the bedroom. Couples "come together" there to reconnect in the most intimate of ways — and the chemistry has to exist.

That said, if you're looking for a lasting relationship, you would be wise to keep it in your pants for at least a few fact-finding dates. (Forget movies or loud bars where you can't get to know each other in a meaningful way.) If you're still craving her after a number of dates, you're cleared to move it to the bedroom — that is, if she's willing to go with you.

And just because you're not having sex doesn't mean you can't discover clues to your potential chemistry. Kissing, if given the chance, is an incredibly erotic and telling way to explore each other intimately without doing the deed. If your tongues are compatible, chances are your naughty bits will be, too.

Patiently,
MM

Action!

Dear Mistress,

My boyfriend really wants to videotape us having sex, and I'm warming up to the idea, but I'm still nervous. I'm not worried about the video falling into the wrong hands, as we would record it onto my camera, and I would have total control. I'm more worried about what will happen if I'm horrified at the sight of myself having sex. I think we can all agree that things wiggle and jiggle during the act. What if I'm so turned off by myself that I never want to have sex again? (OK, that's a little dramatic, but you know what I'm saying.) Couldn't he have thought of this idea during the summer, when I at least had a tan?

Mistress, you must have some tips on how a girl can look her best on camera. Help!

Thanks,
Camera Shy

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Dear Camera Shy,

Kudos to you for being willing to step outside your comfort zone and try something new. Seeing yourself in all of your boot-knockin' glory can be a daunting thought, but you have to think of yourself as a leading lady — you're hot, no matter what wiggles and jiggles.

Your on-screen debut doesn't have to be under fluorescent lights through a wide-angle lens. Dim the lighting and consider some creative camera positions. Instead of a full-body shot, set up the camera to capture your face and chest while your guy takes you from behind. If you're still feeling shy, add a sassy piece of lingerie to flatter your shape and make you feel more confident.

To get more ideas, check out some amateur porn online — couples all over the world are revolutionizing porn in their own bedrooms, and you can benefit from their expertise. If you can relax and have fun with this project, you'll give new meaning to the command "Action!"

Ready for my close-up,
MM

I Vant To Suck Your Venis

The world has gone Vampire crazy. With Twilight and "True Blood" clogging up our pop culture veins, we're ready to bleed for Edward and Vampire Bill -- and some of us like that idea.

Fleshjack (makers of Fleshlight) came up with a positively spooky way to capitalize on our fang fantasies with Count Cockula -- a soft, fleshy canal with an opening shaped like Brad Pitt's pretty mouth in Interview with a Vampire. Here's what Fleshjack has to say:

Polish up your stake and drive it into this soft, vampire mouth for an orgasm that will wake the living dead. Packing the same punch as the original Fleshjacks but housed in a compact soda can and featuring the exclusive Vampire Fang inner canal texture not found on any other Fleshjack product.

If you've ever wanted a lap dance at Fangtasia, this just might be the product for you.

Happy Halloweenie,
MM

Tough Love

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I met a fantastic guy about a year ago, and it was obvious we had romantic chemistry. After a couple months, he expressed his hesitance about a relationship, and so we've continued as friends. We spend absurd amounts of time together and have become beautiful, supportive friends. However, the romantic air remains between us, and every couple months I bring it up, asking "Is this more than a friendship?" He always answers, "Maybe one day, but at this moment, I'm comfortable with how things are."

A couple weeks ago, he revealed that he'd been dating a couple other women. When I asked him why he didn't tell me about it, he said he didn't think we could talk about such matters. Indeed, I've been out on dates and haven't told him for the same reason. I asked him to tell me whether anything was ever going to happen between us, because if not, I would apply to grad school that much sooner. Then he freaked — and kissed me. We were kissing, he was crying; it was overload.

The next day he said he had taken off work to think about it, and as much as he wishes differently, he only sees friendship between us. The worst part is, it's been two weeks since this happened, and we've barely spoken. I need some honest feedback from someone outside my social circle.

Signed,

Friendly Matters

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Dear Friendly,

If you're looking for honest feedback, try this on for size: Your friendship is toxic — and you're both to blame. It sounds like he has taken advantage of your romantic feelings for him, soaking up all your doting support without truly returning your love. Furthermore, he's being selfish. When you talked about going to grad school, he "freaked" and wouldn't let you go, yet he will not give you what you so deeply desire.

As for your part, you must start putting yourself first and quit waiting for him to come around. One thing's for sure — whether he cares for you romantically or not, he's not ready to be with you. It's time to move on. Date, go to grad school. Do it now! Do not let a dysfunctional relationship stop you from pursuing your dreams — you will regret it.

Give your friendship some breathing room and time to heal. If you're meant to be friends, you'll find your way back to each other.

Just friends,

MM

 

 

Just Ducky

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm having an issue with my roommate, and I hope you can tell me how to handle it with her. A couple weeks ago, I discovered what I thought was an innocent rubber ducky in our shower. When I picked it up, I noticed a battery panel on the bottom and the words "I Rub My Duckie." I might be a little more conservative than her when it comes to sex, but did she really think I wouldn't know it was a vibrator?!

Some days she leaves it in the shower; other days it disappears. I think it's incredibly disrespectful to leave one's sex toys lying around in shared living space. How would you suggest I take care of this situation? I don't know if I'm more upset that she would leave her toy in the shower, or that she thinks I'm stupid enough not to know what it is.

Thanks,

Just Ducky

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Dear Ducky,

The "I Rub My Duckie" vibrator is one of the most popular waterproof toys on the market, though I don't understand why. With its awkward ducky shape and creepy smiling eyes, I didn't think it was all it was quacked up to be. Plus, it reminds me of Ernie from “Sesame Street” singing, "Rubber ducky, you're the one..." But I digress.

I agree — leaving sex toys in shared living space is unacceptable. The best approach is to be direct and calm. Let her know you like being her roommate, but request that she keep her more intimate items in her own room.

If you're worried she thinks you're a moron when it comes to sex toys, try educating her on vibrator care. Tell her she should take the batteries out of her vibrator between uses unless she wants them to corrode — leaving her precious ducky dead in the water.

Like water off a duck's back,

MM

"Big" News

I somehow missed this September 16 blog post from the House of LeMay reporting that Vermont ranks 34th out of 51 in the Manhunt penis poll (apparently this contest is run like Ms. America -- 50 states plus the District of Columbia).

According to the study, Vermont men report an average length of 7.16" in length — not bad, considering the national average is somewhere closer to 5.5" (erect, of course). The top prize goes to the men of the Washington D.C., coming in at a whopping 7.59". The least well-endowed state goes to Alaska, but as Amber LeMay points out, you have to consider "shrinkage."

While this pole... errr, poll... is entirely unscientific, it's mighty entertaining. Just one question: What about girth?

MM

Porn Precautions

I have to hand it to people who have the patience and cooperation skills to live with roommates. I don't like sharing, I don't like people touching my stuff — and I especially don't like muzzling my sexual activities. Whether it's getting it on with a partner or going it solo, I don't like to be quiet, and I prefer to experiment in all rooms of the house. So, you see, I'm not exactly roommate material.

Unlike me, my friend Sasha is a great roommate (name changed to protect the innocent). She's laid back, tidy, and she likes to bake. However, Sasha also likes to watch porn. I'm sure her attractive, single male roommate also likes porn, but they do not participate in this activity — or any other sexual activities — together.

Arriving home late one night from work, Sasha said goodnight to her roomie and proceeded to her bedroom where she popped on her headphones and surfed over to her favorite porno website. After rubbing one out, she removed her headphones, but she could still hear the loud moans of the porn, blasting full-volume from her laptop — she had neglected to plug the headphones into the computer.

Woops.

I told her not to worry about it. The only consequence of a guy hearing his cute female roommate get off to porn is a hard-on, and I'm sure he's okay with that. Obviously, she should make doubly sure to plug in the headphones in the future, but we've all been caught with our pants down (some of us more than others).

How about you? Got any embarrassing masturbation or porn stories to share on this manic Monday?

xoxo,
MM

It's not delivery, it's "no homo"

Just when Kanye West didn't need any more negative press...

Hip-hop lyrics are notorious for their homophobic content, but I had no idea that a new phrase — "no homo" — was making it's way into mainstream hits like the Jay-Z, Rihanna and Kanye West joint, "Run This Town." Super lame.

Check out Bryan Safi's take on the state of "no homo" in his hilarious segment called "That's Gay" that airs as part of Current TV's weekly show infoMania. (Thanks to Amber LeMay for posting to Facebook.)

Sizing Him Up

Hi Mistress,

I've been seeing this adorable guy for just about a month or so. I really like him, and we have great sexual chemistry, but he is not well endowed, and it's beginning to be a problem. I'm a very sexual woman and have been for a while. Over time, I've determined that I need a little more than an average-sized man to satisfy me. We've discovered positions that allow him deeper access, but they also require him to do most of the work — and I usually have to assist in order to have my "Big O."

I feel bad that he's doing all the work. Plus, I don't ever get the chance to take control in bed because I end up focusing too much on making up for what he's lacking. What are some positions that would give me more control and an orgasm while allowing him to relax? Or am I just going to have to let this guy go?

Sincerely,

O-less

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Dear O-less,

Let this guy go? I understand that satisfying sex is of the utmost importance, but ditching an "adorable" guy you have "great sexual chemistry" with over size is just plain crazy. Plus, it doesn't sound like you're "O-less" — you just have to work a little harder to get there.

Any position that allows you to keep your thighs together will make his member feel larger. Try lying on your belly with your pelvis propped up by a pillow while he enters you from behind. Or lie on your back and draw your knees up to your ears — this will shorten your vaginal canal and make it feel like he's filling you up.

Great sex takes work, so quit feeling guilty that your guy has to break a sweat to get you off. Furthermore, there's no reason you can't engage in more than one position per session — so let him please you first, then climb on top so he can relax and enjoy the ride to the finish line.

Small talk,

MM

 

 

 

 

 

Revv This

 

Vermont's auto repair industry got an injection of estrogen earlier this year when Girlington Garage opened in South Burlington. According to an article in Seven Days, owner Demeny Pollitt felt auto repair shops treated her differently because of her sex, so she got her degree from Vermont Tech and eventually started her own shop where people would be treated with respect, regardless of gender.

From what I gather, Girlington Garage has gained a strong word-of-mouth reputation for being a trustworthy and professional shop -- and their marketing is great. You can now get your own pair of official Girlington Garage panties! I'm please to see Girlington Garage embracing the undeniably sexy aspect of what they're doing. I mean, let's face it:  Smart, savvy women running an auto repair shop is HOT, and the management is capitalizing on this niche. Good for you, ladies.

For more info, check out Girlington Garage online.

Vroom,
MM

Virgin Territory

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Unlike those of most of your readers, my sex question pertains to a lack of it. I'm a 41-year-old male virgin who's never had a relationship. Women have been like fleeting birds in my life. What are the consequences of lack of sex, and how do I get started? Online dating hasn't gone anywhere. Should I keep trying the "casual encounters" route, or attend church for more socialization? What about therapy? I want a relationship, but anything would be good enough right now. Can you help?

Signed,

Lonely Vermonter

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Dear Lonely,

Popular culture would have us believe that Americans are having sex all the time with everyone from coworkers to neighbors to MILFs to escorts. But that's simply not true — most of us are as hard up as you are. Sure, it's a little odd that you're 41 years old and have yet to hump, but that doesn't make you an undateable leper.

The only consequence of lack of sex is a debilitating lack of confidence, which I fear is a major factor contributing to your empty social calendar. Forget online dating and hook-up sites where you're just one dude in a sea of dudes trying to get their swerves on. Instead, focus on joining groups or participating in activities that show your talents. Take a cooking class, volunteer at your church or host a World of WarCraft meetup — whatever floats your boat. If you begin meeting women with similar interests to your own, you'll greatly increase your chances of developing the relationship you crave.

As for therapy, I recommend it for everyone. Talking with friends is great, but there's nothing like the attentive ear and helpful suggestions of an objective professional. Go for it.

In virgin territory,

MM

 

 

Bro No

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I've been single for a while, and I'm looking to get back into the dating game. I recently was introduced to the older sister of a close friend of mine, and we hit it off. About a week ago I had a party at my house, which both my friend and his sis attended. I found out from my friend at the party, in some vague terms, that his sister had some interest in me. He also, while hammered drunk, gave me his "full blessing" to "hit on [his] sister".

However, I worry about whether he actually feels comfortable about it. He's the kind of guy who is more apt to put on a brave face than speak out about something that bothers him. On top of that, his sister is coming off a serious relationship, and I don't know her thoughts on dating again. Personally, I'm not expecting anything serious, and it makes me worry that if I do opt to pursue the sister and it doesn't work out, things will become awkward between the three of us. Do I take a shot with the sis, or play it safe with my buddy?

Signed,

Bro Code in Boston

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Dear Bro Code,

Forget it. If you're "not expecting anything serious," don't even go there. The Bro Code — a set of laws dictating how dudes interact — prohibits you from pursuing a relationship with your buddy's sister unless you are ready to make her your bride. Given your lukewarm feelings and her fresh-out-of-a-relationship status, you are better off hosting your pants-off dance-off with someone else.

However, if your feelings for her grow, there is hope. Have a talk with your friend. Let him know that, while you appreciate his drunken blessings, you'd prefer his sober reassurance. If you date her, you must be the consummate gentleman — you'll have little room for error in this relationship and a high price to pay if you screw it up. Be sure you care enough about this girl to risk your friendship with your buddy — because that's exactly what's at stake.

Brotherly love,

MM

Back to School Stall Out

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I met a guy at a party at the end of last semester, but nothing major happened, so when summer started, I put him out of my mind. Then he wished me a happy birthday over — you guessed it — Facebook. We started cyber-chatting, culminating in him giving me his number, telling me to text him some time. Well, I did text him, and he suggested we get together — and we haven't yet. We've made tentative plans a couple of times, but we never actually end up hanging out. Now that school's back in session, we talk when we run into each other in the halls, but nothing formal seems to be in the stars.

I just would like to know what is going on in this guy's head. Your thoughts, MM?

Sincerely,

Confused in Guyville

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Dear Confused,

Returning to campus is exciting and overwhelming, and your guy clearly has a case of stimulation overload. With so many parties, people and possibilities, it's no big surprise that he's hesitant to start something as soon as the first bell rings. His need to be a free agent is obviously outweighing his attraction to you, so give him what he's asking for — let him be.

I'm not suggesting you turn into a mega-bitch every time you see him, but stop worrying about what's going on in his head and focus on the one person who truly matters: you. The sooner he sees that you're an independent woman who doesn't need his half-hearted invitations to hang out, the sooner he'll make a date with you and stick to it. If he doesn't figure it out, he'll be the one wearing the dunce cap — not you.

Oh, and one more thing for the dudes: At the risk of sounding old-fashioned, please stop giving us your numbers and telling us to "text you." Grow some balls, ask for our numbers — then call.

You've been schooled,

MM

Gaydar Malfunctions

Dear Mistress Maeve,

As you and your readers know, our planet is comprised of gay people, straight people and lots of people somewhere in between. As a gay man with a normal (or slightly elevated) sex drive, I often see guys to whom I am attracted — but without a nametag that reads, "Hi. I'm gay," I have no idea who falls into the category of my liking. Every time I see someone of interest, my confidence level flatlines, and I end up not approaching him. What's a guy to do when he spots someone who makes his engine roar?

Signed,

Cyclically Excited and Frustrated

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Dear Cyclically,

Flirting is a game of risk and chance — you have to be willing to experience rejection in the pursuit of scoring a date with a hottie who catches your eye. For gay men, flirting can be a still riskier business. Even now, with marriage equality enshrined in state law, violence against gay people remains a real threat, and you don't want to incite the rage of a gay-bashing idiot by asking him for his phone number.

That said, if you see a guy who "makes your engine roar" at the grocery store, there's no harm in asking him to help you select a ripe avocado. If you end up exchanging guacamole recipes, it's a pretty safe bet that you can also exchange email addresses. If he's not interested, he'll move on to the next aisle.

If you don't trust your gaydar in mixed company, volunteer for your favorite queer organization or attend art shows and performances featuring gay artists — you're sure to find a few flirting prospects in these places. You can also sign up for online dating — it's pretty tough to get your wires crossed when sexual orientation is printed clearly on the screen.

Happy flirting,

MM

 

 

From Politics to Playgirl

According to Gawker.com, Levi Johnston (Sarah Pallin's former future son-in-law and Bristol Pallin's baby daddy) is in final negotiations to pose for Playgirl. Speculation about the photo shoot began after Vanity Fair released this promo video for its upcoming October issue featuring the Alaskan lad. At the end of the video, Johnston is heard discussing the Playgirl photo shoot with his manager, Tank Jones. (I can't believe this guy has a manager.)

In the video, Jones warns Johnston that he "can't come in there lacking in the johnson area." As it turns out, Gawker is reporting that Johnston will not be fully nude for the shoot — I guess not all Alaskan men are hung like moose. Bummer.

From the video, two things are evident: Firstly, Johnston and Jones do not know that Playgirl is no longer a printed publication (it's online only). Secondly, they clearly don't realize that only gay men look at Playgirl.

Touchy Subject

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I started seeing a guy a month ago, and I think the relationship has potential. We've had sex a few times now, and I have no complaints about the actual intercourse — he's energetic, long lasting and skilled. However, I've noticed something that's perplexing me. Aside from the intercourse, he doesn't touch me "down there." We do foreplay, but it's mostly about him. Luckily, I have no problem climaxing from intercourse, but I don't understand why he doesn't want to explore my body more.

 Like I said, we've only had sex a few times, and I keep thinking maybe he'll become more hands-on as we get comfortable with one another, but what if he doesn't? I'm hesitant to say anything because I also don't want him to touch me out of obligation. Your thoughts, Mistress?

Sincerely,

Touchy Subject

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Dear Touchy,

You're right — the more sex you have with your partner, the better you'll understand how to pleasure each other. Be that as it may, you shouldn't wait around hoping he'll magically figure out what makes you tick — it's time to communicate.

Sure, it's possible that your guy is selfish and only cares about his own needs; however, it's far more likely that he wants to satisfy you and simply doesn't know how. Let's face it: The female form is complicated, and it can intimidate some men — especially if he's never had a communicative female partner.

The next time you're in bed, seductively tell him what you'd like him to do. If you're not a big talker, guide his hands to the right spot and encourage him with verbal and physical cues. If he's worthy of your attention, he'll happily oblige — if he balks, it's time for him to take a walk.

Touchable,

MM

I Lovermont

Happy Gay Marriage Day, Vermonters! It was a long time coming, and it's finally here.

The only thing overshadowing our big day was the visit from the Phelps clan of Westboro Baptist Church. They were on hand in Vermont this morning, picketing with their now infamous "God Hates Fags" signs. In true Vermont style, people countered with "Love Your Neighbor" and "Love Is Not A Crime." For full — and delightfully snarky — coverage of today's picketing, check out Lauren Ober's post on Blurt.

Friend Foible?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

When a good friend of mine moved out of town recently, she left behind a great guy. They had only just begun dating when she had to move suddenly, and I guess they ended it, because I haven't heard her talk about him since.

I ran into the guy the other night at a show, and we flirted and chatted off and on all night. I was overcome by a sense of guilt toward the end of the night, so I left without saying goodbye. I'm not sure where my friend left things with him, and I don't want to upset her. He just sent me a friend request on Facebook, and I'm not sure what to do. He's cute and nice, and I am totally attracted to him, but what do I do about my friend who now lives five states away?

Signed,

Torn

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Dear Torn,

Dating a friend's ex is a difficult situation that requires extreme care, even if they only dated for a little while and she now lives five states away. First, determine whether or not there's potential for a real relationship with this guy. Thus far, you only flirted at a show, and you do not want to mess up your friendship over a would-be hookup.

If you genuinely want to pursue something with this guy, talk with your friend (preferably before she sees that you've become buddies on Facebook). Let her know something may be on the horizon with her ex, but that her friendship is also valuable to you. Remember, you're not asking her for permission to date him, but you are trying to show her respect by filling her in before anything happens.

Last, be ready for your friendship to change. No matter how thoughtful you are during this process, your friend will most likely feel uncomfortable and may pull away. In this case, it's not her physical distance from her ex but her emotional distance that will determine the outcome for your friendship.

Good luck,

MM

 

Did that really count?

Earlier this summer I read a list of "Seven Sexual Partners That Don't (Have To) Count," prepared by Amelia McDonell-Parry over at The Frisky. Most people keep a list of their sexual partners. McDonell-Parry contends that, when tallying up those partners, some of them just don't have to count.

For a moment, let's put aside the obvious problem with this concept — that we should want to decrease numbers whenever possible so as not to appear like sluts, when we should really be embracing our sexual histories — and examine some of her arguments. I agree with some of her items. For instance, if "you’re less than 51 percent sure that penetration actually occurred," I think you have a pretty good case for not counting that encounter. And, of course, if sex occurred without consent, you're not obligated to put that on the list.

However, McDonell-Parry also says partners shouldn't have to count if "you can't remember it" or if you "really, really, really regret it." C'mon — you can't un-ring a bell. Why the shame? You made a decision to have naked time with this person — regardless of whether or not you can remember his/her name — so embrace it.

She also sites that if "it lasted less than 10 seconds and no one finished" or if you or your partner had "a bad case of whiskey dick," it doesn't count. In other words, if you or your partner can't keep it up or decides not to finish, it doesn't count. I don't know — like I was taught in catechism class, "If it's in, it's sin."

Finally, McDonell-Parry asserts that even if one has sex in Vegas — it still counts. Agreed.

Like I said, I have some problems with this concept in general. For starters, this is a rather heterosexist commentary on the definition of sex — how do women who have sex with women count the notches on their bedposts? Secondly, what's the big deal with numbers? As long as you're safe, who cares how many partners you've had? However, I did think it was an interesting way to examine "the list." Do you have partners you don't count? If so, why not?

MM

Cock Block

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm a 28-year-old lesbian with a quandary about dicks — fake ones, that is. My girlfriend and I want to purchase a strap-on dildo (for me to wear and her to receive), but we've come upon a stumbling cock, er ... stumbling block. I would prefer a realistic-looking dildo ... My girlfriend prefers sparkly dildos in all shades of purple.

She says that if she wanted to have sex with a lifelike penis, she'd have sex with a man. I think it's hot to mess around with gender roles, plus, I don't see anything sexy about romping around with a big purple member.  How do we get over this hurdle and get to the fun stuff?

 

Signed,

Dick Tracy

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Dear Dick Tracy, 

For me, the transcendence of traditional gender roles is inherently erotic; therefore, the idea of a biological female strapping on a realistic dildo is totally hot. Unlike your girlfriend, I don't see it as a substitute for having sex with a "real man." I see it as a way to turn up your nose at society's binary gender system and have some fun in the process.

That said, why are you so "rigid" when it comes to your cock? I've had plenty of fun with lifelike dildos — but I've also had some memorable times with strap-ons shaped like dolphins or spaceships and even one molded to look like Barack Obama (appropriately nicknamed "Commander-In-Chief"). Of course, if you're having some gender identity issues, explore those feelings — your desire for a dick could go deeper than your strap-on.

My advice to both of you is to lighten up. Don't get too attached to one type of sex toy or one way of having sex. If you remain open-minded about dildos, gender roles and pleasure, you'll have a much more rewarding sex life. Buy two dildos — one realistic and one playful — then pledge to explore with both. The couple that plays together stays together. 

Strapped,

MM