Double Nipple Ripple? PETA's Modest Proposal.
Let's get something straight: PETA and its members don't really want you to eat ice cream made with human breast milk. You've probably heard about the organization's recent letter to Ben & Jerry's, suggesting that the company replace milk from tortured, factory-farmed cows with human milk (in case you haven't, it's reprinted below). But the gross-out reaction it's getting from most media people is kind of missing the point.
PETA members don't see a nursing mother and think: "Ditch that baby and make me some Chunky Monkey." What the animal-rights group does want is for companies and consumers to think a bit harder about where the animal products they consume come from. And although their tactics are often pretty wild, I agree with them in principle, and strive to avoid purchases that support factory farming.
That said, they've provided us with an excellent opportunity for some linguistic fun. Yesterday, on my weekly spot on the Charlie & Ernie Show (620 AM WVMT, Wednesday mornings from 9:10 to 9:30), Charlie told me that their listeners had been calling in with suggestions for naming human-milk ice cream. Here are a few (If you're not amused by vulgarity, please skip down to the letter):
- PETA Butter Crunch (vanilla and peanut butter ice cream with crushed animal crackers)
- Double Nipple Ripple
- Tutti Fruiti Booby
- Choco Knockers
- Chocolate Nips
- Double D Crunch
- Mammary Munch
- T&A (Mammary Munch swirled with Ben & Jerry's Cinnamon Buns -- a real flavor)
- Nipple Chip (if you put this atop a banana, it's a Nipple Chip Tit Split)
- Peanut Butter B-Cup
- La Leche League Dulce de Leche
September 23, 2008
Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, Cofounders
Ben & Jerry's Homemade Inc.
Dear Mr. Cohen and Mr. Greenfield,
On behalf of PETA and our more than 2 million members and supporters, I'd like to bring your attention to an innovative new idea from Switzerland that would bring a unique twist to Ben and Jerry's.
Storchen restaurant is set to unveil a menu that includes soups, stews, and sauces made with at least 75 percent breast milk procured from human donors who are paid in exchange for their milk. If Ben and Jerry's replaced the cow's milk in its ice cream with breast milk, your customers-and cows-would reap the benefits.
Using cow's milk for your ice cream is a hazard to your customer's health. Dairy products have been linked to juvenile diabetes, allergies, constipation, obesity, and prostate and ovarian cancer. The late Dr. Benjamin Spock, America's leading authority on child care, spoke out against feeding cow's milk to children, saying it may play a role in anemia, allergies, and juvenile diabetes and in the long term, will set kids up for obesity and heart disease-America's number one cause of death.
Animals will also benefit from the switch to breast milk. Like all mammals, cows only produce milk during and after pregnancy, so to be able to constantly milk them, cows are forcefully impregnated every nine months. After several years of living in filthy conditions and being forced to produce 10 times more milk than they would naturally, their exhausted bodies are turned into hamburgers or ground up for soup.
And of course, the veal industry could not survive without the dairy industry. Because male calves can't produce milk, dairy farmers take them from their mothers immediately after birth and sell them to veal farms, where they endure 14 to17 weeks of torment chained inside a crate so small that they can't even turn around.
The breast is best! Won't you give cows and their babies a break and our health a boost by switching from cow's milk to breast milk in Ben and Jerry's ice cream? Thank you for your consideration.
Executive Vice President
The B&J Response:
"We applaud PETA's novel approach to bringing attention to an issue, but we believe a mother's milk is best used for her child."
So do the folks from PETA, I'm guessing. Even when the mother in question is a cow.