Best Beer Names

If drinking wine leads to truth, what does drinking beer lead to? If the names of craft brews are any indication, the answer to that question is, "a good sense of humor."

I've collected more funny beer names than I can list in one post, but here are seven that made me crack a smile (Please note that many such breweries produce beers seasonally, and not all of these are currently available. But this doesn't make the names any less amusing):

~ Ale Mary, Full of Taste: Rock Bottom Brewery

~ Hoptimus Prime: Nodding Head Brewpub

~ Hazed & Infused: Boulder Beer Company

~ Tripel Vision: Minneapolis Town Hall Brewery

~ Pure Hoppiness: Alpine Beer Company

~ Slam Dunkelweisen: Big Time Brewery

~ Strange Brew: Kannah Creek Brewing Company (their website is down, so no link)

Hell-y Jelly? Mean Beans?

The Jelly Belly company is primarily known for making colorful, Reagan-sanctioned pellets in 50+ "life-like" flavors such as "juicy pear," "crushed pineapple" and "toasted marshmallow."

In recent years, though, the company has branched out. They capitalized on the Harry Potter phenomenon by producing a real-life version of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans: Sardine, vomit and ear wax are a few of the gross tastes you can find in each box.

And now the company has another unusual product, Bean Boozled, seemingly tailor-made for playground bullies or perhaps those into S&M. There are 20 kinds of BB beans: 10 in delicious flavors like coconut, cafe latte and peach and 10 in gross flavors such as baby wipes (hopefully unused), pencil shavings and skunk spray.

The catch is that each tasty treat looks exactly the same as a nugget of nastiness. For example, both the toothpaste and berry flavors come an an icy, electric blue color, while tutti-frutti and vomit are pink with colorful dots. There's absolutely no way to tell the difference.

Fun party game or stupid marketing ploy? You decide.

One more note: One of the "unpleasant" flavors is moldy cheese. Pardon? I love me some moldy cheese. I'd take a big hunk of Bayley Hazen Blue over a box of jelly beans any day.

An Orgy of Oysters

I love raw oysters as much as the next gal, and probably more. In fact, not long after sucking down a bunch with James-Beard-Nominated author Rowan Jacobsen, I realized that cooked oysters, which lack the subtlety and nuanced flavors of the glistening, opalescent raw shellfish, no longer do it for me.

But I still have limits. I can imagine eating a couple dozen at one sitting, but 35 dozen? (For the non-mathematically inclined, that's 420 slippery beasts). That's how many the slim, punky-looking Patrick "Deep Dish" Bertoletti, 22, ate in order to win the Acme World Oyster Eating championship belt. And he did it in eight minutes. Eight! I like to eat, a lot, but I can't even imagine...

You can read more about the contest here.

Sweet, Almond-Scented Lies

Last week, a co-worker forwarded me an email that contained photos of tiny, naked babies supposedly modeled out of marzipan.

If you're not familiar with marzipan, you should get acquainted quickly: The delicious stuff is a combo of sugar and ground almonds -- and sometimes egg whites -- and is malleable enough to be formed into cool shapes. Plus, the word is fun to say: maarrrzipaan.

The small amount of text in the email notes that the artist, who isn't named, is very talented, and asks: "Who could take a bite?"

Yep: The idea of eating small, perfectly formed babies is rather disturbing, so why would somebody mold infants out of a sweet treat? I imagined a cutting edge artist making a bold statement about how America's consumption-oriented culture is selling out its children.

Or not...The delicate pink babes shown in the email aren't actually made out of ground up nuts. They are, in fact, sculpted from polymer clay by artist Camille Allen.  Allen's website assures visitors "If you've seen the "The Smell of Rain" or "Marzipan Babies" ( Or "Sugar Babies") email, you have probably seen some images taken from this website. However those pictures are really of sculptures created out of clay by Camille Allen." The page further notes: "They are not real, premature babies." Phew.

So my question is: Why on earth would anybody want to perpetrate an email hoax of this type? What possible purpose does it serve to tell people that these miniatures are made from marzipan when they're really made from clay. Or was it all just an honest mistake?

*The photo is from Camille Allen's website

Snacking on Boing Boing

Scary how time flies...here's a fresh installment of weird and exotic food stuff from Boing Boing.

Arts:

One trend this time around is unusual art. For example, sculptures by Jodie Carey made partially of royal icing. What's so weird about that? Carey uses delicate flowers made of the stuff to decorate images of human bones. And she's made five arrangement out of newspaper flowers dyed with blood, tea and coffee. Tasty.

Prefer flesh to bones? Then you'll enjoy Victoria Reynolds' lush paintings of raw meat. Stylistically, these babies look as though they should be hanging in the Louvre. Thematically, they look as though they should be on the walls at your local butcher shop. If you're lucky enough to have a local butcher shop.

A more wasteful example is a huge statue of a woman made from peaches. It's to promote a skin-care company. I bet the message will be less inspiring when she turns into a sodden, rotting mess. Same goes for a more abstract piece in which artist Stefan Sagmeister covered a really large wall with bananas.

This one is also edible (although it doesn't look it), but it's art nonetheless. It's an R2D2 cake! And an inedible version of the little guy made out of a beer barrel.

And then there's the video of the mostly naked guy wearing a horse's head and cooking wild mushrooms. Must be seen to be believed.

Science:

Some mad genetic scientists went messing around with onions in an effort to make them "tear-free."  All I have to say to them is: "You guys are wimps." Oh, and it's my understanding that the volatile compounds responsible for our tears have antioxidant properties. Luckily, this brilliant innovation won't make it to the market for 10 or 15 years. By which point a global water crisis will have far outweighed the suffering caused by alliums (or is it allia?).

Mastered the art of smashing beer cans on your head? Then you should learn how to melt a beer bottle in the microwave. Apparently a blow torch is also required, but just to "get things started."

Cooking

I think it may actually be more difficult to follow than a traditional recipe, but perhaps visual learners will enjoy this diagram for preparing chicken with beer.

Kid Stuff

Tic-Tac-Toast. You press the little gadget into a piece of bread and it creates a tic-tac-toe board for condiments.

This is one of my faves. It's a TV commercial for a game called "Pie Face" which involves -- you guessed it -- getting smacked in the face by a mechanized "pie." The commercial encourages youngsters to ask their parents for whipped cream to use in the game. Yeah right!

So much for not playing with your food!

A Tale of Molecular Gastronomy

Here's something fun...on Leite's Culinaria there's a live recording of food writer Jess Thompson describing her experience at Alinea, Chicago's temple of Molecular Gastronomy. While the delivery isn't perfect (it's live, after all), some parts are pretty darn funny. As you listen, keep in mind that Gourmet magazine named Alinea the best restaurant in the country in 2006.

After listening, I hopped over to the restaurant's website, which is as odd as one might suspect after hearing Thompson's tale. There are two menus, "Tasting" and "Tour." "Tour" has more courses. If you're the type who rebels against mega-menu descriptions which include the age and place of origin for each ingredient, you'll find the Alinea menu refreshing. Here are a couple of samples (the 0s stand in for a smoke-ring-like symbol used on the menu):

SWEETBREAD 0 cauliflower, burnt bread, toasted hay
LAMB 0 in cubism
BLACK TRUFFLE 0 explosion, romaine, parmesan
CARAMEL CORN 0 *liquified*

For a lengthy glimpse into a meal at Alinea, check out this post on the peacelovefood blog. There's a shorter one at cravings. And here's what Frank Bruni had to say after dining there.

Food Sculpture

I snapped this picture of a cheddar carving at the American Cheese Society Conference last summer.

I thought of it again this morning when I discovered a YouTube video about a Korean sculptor who makes art out of (uncooked) Ramen noodles (you can find the video at the bottom of the post).

My next thought was: "What other kinds of food sculpture can I discover?" Lots, as it turns out...

~ Jim Victor does amazing things with chocolate, cheese and butter.

~ Gorgeous, lacy eggshell carvings by Christel Assante.

~ At chocolatework.com there's a parrot made of sugar, an egret made of chocolate and  a wedding cake topped with edible snowflakes.

~ Intricate carved watermelons and fruit and squash carvings.

~ An artist who covers everyday objects with melted cheese.

There are tons more, but I'll save them for another post.

Strawberry + Sauerkraut = Huh?

Here's the theory: “Food combines with each other when they have major flavour components in common [sic].” Strange grammar aside -- the quotation comes from a Belgian website -- the idea is intriguing, and it's one of the key theories behind wine or beer pairing.

It is, in fact, the reason that beer lovers believe their chosen libation is actually a better match for food than vino is: The argument is that beer has caramelized, toasty, roast-y and nutty flavors that are found in many foods (bread, cheese, nuts), while wine's yeasty, acidic, tannic and fruity qualities are harder to match.

The line comes from the website called Foodpairing: A Delectable Meal for the Mind. The creators have analyzed the flavor characteristics of 250 different foods and used their analyses to create unique "maps" showing which foods have tastes in common. The closer the foods are on the map, the more similarities they have.

To the right you can see the chart they made for the humble banana. And if there's anything that strikes me about it, it's that I think bananas and yogurt are a surprisingly awesome combination. Especially when sprinkled with a little cinnamon, also on the list. Banana with mussels seems more farfetched, but I can totally imagine it on the menu at a super expensive New York City restaurant.

A few others: Chicken, which tastes good with almost anything, is matched up with standard stuff such as Parmesan, potatoes and peanuts, but apparently should be just as tasty when combined with kelp, green tea or licorice.  Asparagus has unlikely culinary comrades in vanilla, coffee and starfruit. Hmm.

The last word from the Foodpairing folks? "This is just a tool to inspire you. You still need as a chef the craftsmanship, the experience,…to translate this inspiration into a good recipe. It is not only mixing two components together. The balance between the two is important."

Boing Boing Delicious!

It's time (actually, it's past time) for a round-up of all of the fun, weird and wacky food-related items that have shown up on Boing Boing. Is it strange to post a collection of items from a site that collects items? Perhaps. But so many  neat-o things show up there on a daily basis that it can prove useful to narrow 'em down.

Think you're a smart shopper? You're less likely to be if the store you're frequenting smells like chocolate chip cookies.

One big category this time around is food that's shaped like other stuff. For example, there are fried eggs that look like firearms and burgers shaped like Mickey Mouse ("eat your mouse head or you won't get any dessert!"). Speaking of dessert, BB also has posts about Japanese chocolates shaped like larvae and a cake based on a strange, Japanese video game called Katamari Damacy. Want more video game cake? There are also cupcakes decorated to look like Super Mario Bros. and Pac-Man.

But the crown jewel of all the strangely-shaped food is a model of the Battle of the Pelennor Fields -- from Tolkien's Return of the King -- made entirely out of candy. I think it's the best thing ever and I want to be friends with the people who made it (make sure to click through for lots of great pics). I once made a model of a paramecium out of sweets -- I used whip licorice for the flagellum -- but it lacked the grandeur of Minas Tirith. I was only 11 at the time.

There's also a collection of nifty gadgets. Exercise and coffee fanatics won't want to miss the bike -pump-style espresso maker which doesn't require electricity, and a generator powered by sugar and yeast. You can't actually buy it in stores -- it's just a prototype -- but I think the sub-dividable cooking pot is pretty neat.

Last, but not least, is a bit of scientific information: Beet juice can help keep streets ice-free. Apparently, the stuff has a low freezing point. And it's pretty.  I was planning to make a bunch of borscht with my extra roots, but maybe I could just grate them and spread them in the driveway, instead.

My list includes a bunch of others, but I don't want to overdo it. More soon.

More Virtual Cooking: "Chocolatier 2" and others

What game blends "greed, deceit and backstabbing" with luscious, chocolate-y goodness? It's called Chocolatier 2: Secret Ingredients and was made by the fun folks at Flashbang Studios.

Flashbang is also responsible for games called "Hot Dish" -- in which you may be called upon to stir up spaghetti marinara or chicken Alfredo -- "Pizza Chef" and "Farm Frenzy," for those who want to actually grow imaginary food as well as cook it.

I'm not sure how I missed these games when I was writing my article on virtual cooking, Good to the Last Byte, but I did. None of my interviewees mentioned them, and I had plenty of other games to write about. I still think it's neat, and weird, when people who don't actually like to cook spend their time chopping chicken for digital Parmigiana. But I guess it's good that gamers' online activities don't always translate to real life. After all, I know plenty of people who spend their spare time killing aliens, beating people with crowbars and turning random strangers into vampires.

Because I want to be a thorough and accurate researcher, I spent some time playing "Hot Dish," this morning. The game is very similar to "Cooking Mama" in that the player actually performs steps that simulate following a recipe. I made pasta marinara, lasagna Bolognese and pizza by mincing garlic, grating cheese, rolling dough and simmering sauces. After each "meal" was completed, a smiling food critic analyzed the quality of the dishes. If I finished one too early and it got a little cold, she could be rather scathing.

The game had a couple of flaws. One is that you cant see how many steps it takes to make each dish, so it's hard to manage them carefully enough to get 'em all done at the same time. Another is that without a mouse, it's really difficult to complete the "stirring" task successfully. I could chop and add ingredients like nobody's business, but when I had to take a wooden spoon to a pot of gently simmering tomatoes, I failed nearly every time. And the bitchy critic let me know that she was disappointed. Critics.

"Hot Dish" got rather repetitive after a while -- do I really have to make another damned lasagna? I sometimes wondered -- but it's probably much more fun if one purchases the full version rather than playing the limited trial -- then you get to make French and Japanese dishes, too.

In any case, I can't wait to try the next food-tastic computer game...deceit and backstabbing, here I come!

P.S. I'm a few posts behind on my goal of 366 delicious blogs in 366 days, so I'll be posting a lot for the next few days in an effort to get caught up.

Noshin' on "The Onion"

It's time once again for a fun round-up of food-related stories from The Onion.

1) Historians Discover Children's Menu on the Back of U.S. Constitution
2) All Seven Deadly Sins Committed at Church Bake Sale
3) What Kind of Powdered Chocolate Drink Mix Have We Unleashed Upon the World?
4) Kraft Introduces New Kraft Doubles For Couples
5) Very Specific Food Pyramid Recommends Two to Three Shrimp Scampis Per Year
6) Denny's Comment-Card Archive Offers Glimpse Into Decades of Poor, Fair and Excellent Service

Try not to laugh too hard...your boss might notice!

Fun with Bacon

Bacon. Sometimes called "the gateway meat" because when a vegetarian starts eating bacon, you know what'll happen next. Sometimes just called "the best thing ever" because, well, it's pretty damn delightful.

Here's a collection of bacon-y treats:

~ A meaty scarf.
~ Another scarf.
~ A wallet that lets you bring home the bacon, no matter how much you earn
~ Gummy, strawberry flavored "bacon" strip candy
~ BLT-scented candles.
~ Bandages. You know how some people put a slab of steak on a black eye? Apparently it's good to put bacon on a cut!
~ Blog.
~ Air Freshener. 'Cuz there's nothing like a bacon-scented room with no bacon in it to drive you crazy!
~ Crafts, and lots of 'em.

And finally, a stand-up comedy routine in which all the jokes are about...you guessed it...bacon!

Food Stuff on Boing Boing

Wanna know how to make your own vanilla extract or read about what might be included in a "vegetarian survival kit?" You can find these interesting tidbits and more on Boing Boing, the website that catalogs "neat stuff," for lack of a better descriptor. Neat like what? Neat like a guide to making cookies that look like games of Tetris using a tool from Play-Doh.

BB is one of the many things that I view via my Google Reader, and I noticed a good amount of weird and wacky food posts over the last couple of weeks. I've been saving them up, but I'm pretty sure there are enough for a nice, meaty post. Speaking of meaty...have you ever tried to build your own smoker out of a trashcan? Now you can! Or you could learn to embroider a picture of a pig divided into primal cuts.  Not into DIY? You may be more interested in the  fruit-flavored chewing gum that is shaped and packaged like bologna slices.

I am happy to report that there is one thing on the list that I got to first. Yep! I posted about the Vienna Vegetable Orchestra in June, it just appeared on BB yesterday.

Toolin' Around With Wine

Today I discovered that Marilyn Manson isn't the only rock star with a line of alcoholic beverages (Mansinthe absinthe, in his case). Maynard James Keenan of Tool and A Perfect Circle owns an Arizona vineyard called Caduceus. He also has a blog on Winespectator.com. Preliminary research didn't turn up much on whether or not people think the stuff is any good.

What's next, a microbrew from NIN frontman Trent Reznor?

Bacon Chocolate, Mmm!

Even though I enjoyed a creamy serving of bacon-laced vanilla ice cream at Shelburne Farms' "Whole Pig" dinner last year, I'd never dreamed of a pork-flavored chocolate bar. That is, until I received a "Mo's Bacon Bar" as a gift at the Seven Days holiday party.

Who makes this unusual confection, which is a combination of "deep milk chocolate," alder wood smoked bacon and smoked salt?  Vosges Chocolates, the ultra-luxe Chicago biz that also turns out white chocolate and kalamata olive bars, paprika truffles, candied violet truffles and tortilla chips covered in chile chocolate.

How did it taste? Sweet, smoky, salty and delicious.  The chocolate isn't just bacon infused, it's actually studded with tiny, crispy bits of meat.   

Even at a premium price of $7 (or more in some places), I'd buy another one. Unfortunately, Vosges chocolate is nearly impossible to get in Vermont. The company's website lists one Green Mountain source: the Woodstock Farmers' Market. Other than that, we can mail order the stuff or drive to Hanover, NH or Youville, QC for a fix.

What's the weirdest kind of chocolate you've ever tried?

The Oddest FDA Warning I've Seen...

It's 2:30 a.m. and I can't sleep, so I'm trolling my Google Reader for interesting stuff with which to amuse myself. What have I found so far? An unusual FDA warning:

"The U.S. Food and Drug Administration is warning consumers not to use 3.5   oz. packages of Swad brand sindoor, an orange   or red powder used in some traditional South Asian Pacific ceremonies that   is applied to the face or scalp...Although the   product was not intended to be sold for food use, its labeling is confusing   and implies that it may be used as food.  The Illinois Department of Public   Health has confirmed two cases of lead poisoning in consumers who used the   product as an ingredient in home cooked meals.  Other uses of the product, including as a cosmetic, can also be dangerous due to the high lead levels."

What did the misleading label say? "SWAD BEST TASTE IN TOWN SINDOOR",  "FOR RECIPE IDEAS VISIT OUR WEBSITE." I wonder if the consumers who came down with lead poisoning were Indians who assumed the product was food-safe because of its traditional uses, or Americans who assumed that the pretty red powder was a food dye because of the "recipe ideas" wording on the package?

I couldn't find sindoor on Swad's website, but I did find a bunch of instant Indian meals, and evidence that someone who works at the company is able to clearly communicate about their products in descriptive English. One bit of copy reads: "It’s the age-old dilemma. The pressures of the day and the commitments of job and family leave precious little time for the delicate preparations of the traditional Indian meal...It’s for this exact predicament that Raja Foods presents the “Easy Entertain” solution. With the robust line of sumptuous offerings from the SWAD production line, you can virtually eliminate the prep time for a stirringly wholesome meal from start to finish. Guests are satisfied, palates are fulfilled, and the day is saved."

The Tercenturian Hamper

What can you buy for $40,577.90? A new car or two. A trip around the world with stops at luxury hotels and the finest restaurants. One-third of a small home. OR, a Tercenturian Hamper from Fortnum & Mason. Mind you, this isn't an American hamper in which you'd place dirty clothes. This is more along the lines of what we'd call a picnic basket. The hamper, which the company is selling to commemorate its 300th year in business (truly amazing), is crafted from English willow and stuffed with the most luxurious foods on earth.

The folks at F&M say: "This is no useless hymn to opulence, no gormless glut of gilded lilies. Everything here is on depth of merit."

What's inside? Here's a smattering: Baron de Lustrac, Armagnac 1900; Beluga Caviar, 200g tin; Cropwell Bishop Whole Baby Stilton, min. wt. 2.2kg; 25 Person Foie Gras en Croûte, 1.09kg; Side of Smoked Scottish Wild Salmon, min. wt. 1.6kg...

There's also a 1955 port, 5 liters of Chateau D'Yquem and a few non-food luxury items such as pink and gray cashmere socks and hand-engraved stationary.

As much as I'm disturbed by the excess and have no need for a men's leather jewelry case nor a wood and steel cigar cutter, I'm also enthralled by the idea of trying things like 107-year-old liqueur and a 52-year-old port. Would I buy it if I were filthy rich and had already given huge quantities of money to charity? Possibly.

I view this ridiculous hamper in a different way than I do the wacky bagels that sell for $1000 each or gold-flecked chocolate desserts that cost $25,000 a pop (made at Serendipity 3, which was temporarily shut down in November after failing its second health inspection in a month due to an infestation of cockroaches and other beasties). Those items are ephemeral and, in my opinion, can't possibly be worth the money. I can eat bagels and ice cream whenever I want. But getting to partake of artisan foods and limited-edition aged spirits seems to be a different kind of thing, somehow. Plus, you can save the finest items for really special occasions...maybe bust out the now-150-year-old Armagnac at your 50th wedding anniversary, or something.

But whether or not I would actually buy one doesn't really matter, since they are delivered by horse and carriage inside the UK only. I wonder if J.K. Rowling will pick up a couple?

More Fun with "The Onion"

Last month, I posted a collection of links to funny food articles on "The Onion." Now that I've added the funny paper to my RSS feed, I've located a bunch more. Enjoy!

1) New Fig Newton's Ad Preys on Inherent Human Weakness
2) Fancy Man Enjoys Tea
3) As An Upper-Class Gourmand, I Will Settle for Nothing Less Than the Luxury of Ritz-Brand Snack Crackers
4) Double Stuf Oreos Could Raise Tolerance To Stuff
5) My God, What Passes For Crunch-Tastic These Days
6) Yacht Club Regatta Marred by Tragic Undergrilling of Mahi Mahi
7) I've Got a New Soup that Will Knock Campbell's on Its Ass

The $1000 Bagel

I'm always on the lookout for abnormally expensive food products. Tonight, I discovered the $1000 bagel. What would you expect on a bagel that costs that much? I'm thinking cream cheese made with the milk of a single cow which feasts entirely on alpine grasses and herbs, the flesh from a salmon that was raised on sake and massaged daily, topped with a generous scoop of beluga caviar and served with a glass of champagne.
    What's really on the thing? "...white truffle cream cheese and goji berry infused Riesling jelly with golden leaves."
    You can aquire such a bagel at the Westin New York Hotel at Times Square. And unlike other ridiculously priced products I've seen, this one is meant to raise money for scholarships to be awarded to culinary students. If you do decide to spring for one, make sure to order 24 hours in advance.

What do you do with Thousands of Bananas?

Ask the folks who live on Tershelling Island and Ameland Island. Apparently, some weird stuff washes up on their beaches. Twenty years ago, it was a large number of sweaters. Last year, the current brought tennis shoes. This year, bananas. Bunches and bunches of them. The fruit was in a cargo container that fell from a ship during a storm and burst open.There's a pretty cool pic floating around the net. You can find it at the Washington Post.
     Maybe they should attempt to make the world's largest banana split. The title, as far as I can tell, is currently held by Selingsgrove, PA. There, in 1988, they made one that contained 33,000 bananas and 2,500 gallons of ice cream. As of 2003, the record was still standing. My teeth hurt just thinking about it.
    I visited the Guinness Book of World Records site to make sure that the Pennsylvanians still hold the title before mentioning it. That particular record isn't on the site, but I did learn that today, November 8, is "Guinness World Records Day." I've never looked at this web-page before in my life. What are the chances that I would stumble across it during this very special celebration? Spooky. To give the GBOWR its due, I did a search for records related to food. Did you know that the world's biggest stir-fry wasn't made in China? It was made in Klerksdorp, South Africa out of 2319 pounds of vegetables and meat.

Speaking of China, the Beijing Olympics committee swears that the swine being raised to feed the throngs at the global event aren't getting the Kobe beef treatment, despite what the head of the "Olympics sole pork supplier" has to say. He not only claims that the beasts are being immunized daily (hello, antibiotic resistant bacteria strains) but also that they are exercising daily. That last part I wouldn't mind. I like it when my dinner's in good shape.

Wanna lose weight but don't wanna work out like an Olympic-bound piglet? Some folks believe that ear stapling is the way to go. Seriously. Proponents claim that inserting two small, stainless-steel staples, one in each ear, can  "target certain reflex points designed to affect hunger, sugar cravings and tension."
    According to one believer, "Portion size is decreased, along with cravings for the Big Macs, sweets and salty food, and snacking in between." Somehow, it's hard for me to believe it's that easy.

If you have trouble losing weight and don't want your ears (or your stomach) stapled, you'll be thrilled about new research which shows that being overweight might not be as dangerous as people thought. Interesting stuff. I'll be right back, I'm going to go eat a few donuts and a couple of burgers.

But I'm not going to have falafel, 'cause that's what terrorists eat. In this dangerous, post-September 11th world, the FBI briefly tried a new tactic, culinary profiling. Apparently, our best and brightest searched San Fran area grocery store records from 2005 and 2006 looking for peaks in the sale of Middle-Eastern foods. I guess they thought it would be a good way to uncover lurking terrorist groups. What they forget is that everybody loves falafel.
    Luckily for chickpea lovers everywhere, the project was quickly terminated due to the possibility that it was mildly illegal. Oh yeah, and patently idiotic.

I think that's enough for now.

 

Prepared (Hoping?) for Disaster

Sometimes I wonder how on earth my name ended up on a given
mailing list. One such head-scratcher occurred on Saturday when I received a newsletter from the Survival Food Store.

The missive reads: "Be prepaired [sic] when you need it the most, The Survival Food Store now offers long term storage food for times of emergency.  Stock up now and be ready when man made or natural disasters strike."

Their specials include the "survival kits" such as the "Castaway Pack" and the "Hurricane Pack." What's the diff? "Castaway" includes enough food to feed a family of 4 for 21 days, and costs $339.95. "Hurricane," at a modest $169.95, will last the same number of people for 10 days. Now,  my first instinct is that I could keep four people alive that long on less, but would life be worth living without  seven-pound cans of butterscotch and vanilla pudding? Probably not.

"A step up from our Earthquake Pack, the Hurricane Pack is for the slightly more cautious family and potentially more devastating natural disaster. It includes all the meat, cheese, bread, eggs, milk, and even pudding to keep everyone eating normal [sic] in a possibly surreal and alarming time that could last for over a week. It will also more than cover the nessecities [sic] of eating should your family decide to stay on that middle-of-nowhere vacation for another week."

If I had to spend my vacation eating fortified turkey chunks and processed cheese from a can, I'd be begging my boss to let me come back to work. And here's a logistical question, once I've opened a six-pound can of apple filling, must my stranded family eat the whole thing at once, because hypothetically, we have no refrigeration?

Anyway, if you're in the market for 6, 10-pound cans of freeze-dried cottage cheese or a whey-based milk alternative that "tastes just like real milk," this is the site to visit.

My personal fave: The "Armageddon Pack," advertised with a friendly graphic of a falling bomb.

Marilyn Manson gets "Absinthe Minded"

Some celebs have fragrances named after them, others have their own clothing lines, but Marilyn Manson always stands out from the crowd. His personalized product: a brand of absinthe, also known as "the green fairy." The anise-flavored, wormwood-based spirit is blamed for ills from  Van Gogh's ear-ectomy to a man's murder of his pregnant wife and two children. The latter cause the liquor to be banned in Switzerland and many other European countries. It has now been legalized again in a bunch of them.

Right now, the goth rocker's "Mansinthe" is available in a bunch of countries, and they are working on getting it on the shelves in the U.S. (which is only possible because it's low in thujone, the chemical said to be responsible for all of the ill effects). As of now, you can order it on the Mansinthe website and have it shipped to the U.S. for an exorbitant fee.

Want to sample the green stuff without paying? Manson, a visual artist as well as a musician, sometimes paints with it. You can find a few watercolor and absinthe pieces on his website.

I'm not sure what this says about me, but I find many of his paintings really appealing. The one of Hunter S. Thompson is great, as is the portrait of Poe. Even though most of them feature really simple lines, they are always evocative, and sometimes downright scary.

Your Last Meal...Ever

Did you know that Marilyn Monroe ate guacamole and meatballs at a Mexican buffet before she died, or that Julia Child headed to the great beyond with a bellyful of French onion soup? I learned these fun yet freaky details while researching my recent story, Last Bites, which I wrote for the Halloween edition of Seven Days. The coolest part of putting together the piece? Asking local celebs what they would want their last meals to be, given the choice.

Most of the high-profile folks I spoke to, including Weatherman Tom Messner and
Film Director John O'Brien, chuckled at the concept. Health Inspector Al Burns made sure to let me know that he doesn't plan to eat his last meal for a long, long time.

Now I want to know what YOUR last meal would be...would you select a voluptuous assortment of dainties or an all-you-can-eat buffet of comfort foods? Unlike inmates on death row in Florida, who have a $20 spending limit on their final feasts, you can spend as much virtual money as you wish.

To get you started, here's mine. I realize that this list will mean an eternity in the 3rd circle of hell, in which gluttons lie in the mud during a perpetual rain and hail storm. That's gonna suck.

I would share this meal with my husband, who is the best (dining) partner a girl could ask for.

 

Apps:
A selection of sashimi, mostly o-toro
12 West Coast oysters on the half-shell with just a drizzle of mignonette sauce
Kobe beef tartare. I've never tried Kobe beef, but it's now or never
A rather large slab of foie gras, prepared in some creative fashion by Thomas Keller (I know the hate mail will be forthcoming. Look, there's not a single factory farmed chicken on this menu, nor milk from any cow treated with Monsanto's rBST, etc.)

Salad:
Mesclun greens, roasted walnuts, cherries and slices of a bloomy-rind goat cheese, sprinkled with sea salt and dressed with olive oil and an older balsamic

Soup:
I'd want really small servings of five, super-creative soups. I don't know what they would be.

Meal:
Chestnut ravioli in a truffle cream
Roasted Duck with port and fig sauce
Brussels sprouts with shallots, bacon and blue cheese
Potato and celeriac gratin

Dessert:
An extra large cheese course, featuring at least 30 of the best artisan cheeses in the country plus accompaniments such as honey, nuts and fruit, along with appropriate beverages. I know I'd want Humboldt Fog, Beecher's Flagship Reserve, Cobb Hill Ascutney Mountain, alongside a variety of cheeses from Willow Hill, Lazy Lady and Jasper Hill. I'd let Jeff Roberts pick out the rest.

A dessert wine tasting, including ice wines, Tokays and Sauternes, which I'll sip as I wait for eternity.

Eating "The Onion"

There aren't many publications that are funnier than The Onion. Delightfully, many of the satirical pub's articles happen to be about everyone's favorite topic: food.

Here's a tasty sampler:

1) Pudding-Factory Disaster Brings Slow, Creamy Death to Town Below
2) Top Rated Programs on the Food Network
3) Fast-Food Purchase Seething with Unspoken Class Conflict
4) Enchanted Spatula Can Only be Used to Flip Food by One Who Is Pure and Thought and Deed
5) America's Favorite Food Additives
6) New  High-Viscosity Mayonnaise to Aid in American Swallowing
7) Snacktime Made More Fun
8) FDA Approves Seconds

Getting Drunk Can Save Your Life and More Weird Food News...

1) Two months ago, an Italian tourist in Australia ingested a rather large quantity of ethylene glycol, a chemical found in antifreeze. He was initially treated with pure alcohol, which inhibits the kidney-damaging effects of EG. When the hospital ran out of pure alcohol, they turned to...vodka. Using a nasogastric tube, they gave him the equivalent of three drinks per hour for three days! The young man is doing fine. No word on what brand of vodka they used.

2) Taco Bell's Plan to sell "Mexican" food in Mexico isn't so hot...Read all about it.

3) Ever had a really intense food craving? A 6-year-old in Colorado recently did. He tried to drive his grandmother's standard-transmission car to Applebee's. But instead of a "steak quesadilla tower" and a "triple chocolate meltdown," or whatever it is the kid was after, he got a blackout. The youngster, unable to take the car out of reverse, backed into a transformer. Whatever else you say about him, he does sound precocious. He even thought to put his booster seat in front of the steering wheel!

4) Charlie Brown and Linus got nothing on these guys.  Chip Deleeuw and  Randy Lemke grew a 1,180 pound pumpkin, this year. They even kept it warm with an electric blanket on cold nights. The bad boy survived a rotting stump, 8" fall onto a truck and 29 competitors to win an award for the biggest pumpkin in the county. How much did the world's biggest pumpkin weigh? According to one website, Joe Jutras of Rhode Island set the record with a 1689 pounder this September 29th.

5) Banquet Pot Pies should be off your menu...They've been linked to 183 cases of Salmonella, including two in Vermont. According to a Vermont Department of Health press release, "Banquet brand and generic store brand frozen not-ready-to-eat pot pie products with “P-9” printed on the side of the package may be the potential source of the reported illnesses nationwide."

The World's Weirdest Soda Company

There's nothing like the nose-tingling aroma of Ben-Gay or that of fresh grass. Apparently, the wacky folks at Jones Soda Co. thought they might taste good, too. The Seattle-based biz recently released their new sports cream and natural field turf sodas as part of a limited-edition, football-themed five-pack dedicated to the Seattle Seahawks. The others flavors in the mix are perspiration, dirt and sweet victory.
    At $19.99 for a collectible set, with labels featuring Seahawks players, the drinks might seem kind of steep. But where else, asks the author of an article on CNN.com, can you take a swig of liquid that tastes salty "with a smooth, 'stinky football sock' finish?"
    This isn't the drink maker's first foray into the world of odd. Although they do produce classics such as orange and cream and root beer, they also have crushed melon, fufu berry and blue bubblegum. Even stranger, for several years, Jones put out an array of holiday sodas that included turkey & gravy, Brussels sprout and pumpkin pie. A case of their soda is like a liquid version of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans (which boast fascinating flavors like: kidney beans, mayonnaise, centipede, caviar, cod, bacon, baking soda, toe nails and Worcestershire sauce).
    Wanna know what the holiday sodas are like without having to suffer yourself? Read all about one group's taste test here.
    Prior to learning about Jones Soda Co., I thought that celery soda was the most intriguing soda flavor out there...how wrong I was. But don't make the mistake, like I did, of thinking that the U.S.A. corners the market on crazy drinks. A bit more research turned up "octopus ball soda" from Japan!

The World's Most Expensive Dessert?

Would you pay $14,500 for dessert? Neither would I. But The Fortress, a Sri Lankan resort, seems to think that somebody out there is silly enough to shell out for their horribly named "Fortress Stilt Fisherman Indulgence."

Here's a description: "The Fortress Stilt Fisherman Indulgence is a gold leaf Italian cassata flavoured with Irish cream, served with a mango and pomegranate compote and a champagne sabayon. It is decorated with a chocolate carving of a fisherman clinging to a stilt - an old local fishing practice - and an 80 carat aquamarine stone."

If you didn't already know (I didn't), cassata is a Sicilian cake with ricotta and candied fruits, kind of like a glorified cannoli. Sounds nice, but not that nice.

BUT...this is still not the most expensive dessert in the world, at least not if you count one that may have already been eaten.

There aren't many desserts with unsavory reputations, but fruitcake seems to be one of 'em. There's even a site with instructions on creating your very own fruitcake joke. But a pastry chef in Tokyo clearly takes his fruitcake quite seriously. In 2005, the unnamed chef spent six months "developing" and one month actually making a fancy cake covered in red frosting and "iced" with 223 small diamonds. Until now, I thought that those controversial silver dragées were pretty fancy!

How much was he asking for the confection? $1.65 million dollars. No word on whether it sold or not. It was mighty pretty, though.

For the somewhat-less-ridiculous-but-still-extravagantly-wealthy folks out there, there's always the $1000 Golden Opulence sundae at Serendipity 3 in New York. 

Here's what it's made of: "5 scoops of the richest Tahitian vanilla bean ice cream infused with Madagascar vanilla and covered in 23K edible gold leaf, the sundae is drizzled with the world's most expensive chocolate, Amedei Porceleana, and covered with chunks of rare Chuao chocolate, which is from cocoa beans harvested by the Caribbean Sea on Venezuela's coast. The masterpiece is suffused with exotic candied fruits from Paris, gold dragets, truffles and Marzipan Cherries. It is topped with a tiny glass bowl of Grand Passion Caviar, an exclusive dessert caviar, made of salt-free American Golden caviar, known for its sparkling golden color. It's sweetened and infused with fresh passion fruit, orange and Armagnac. The sundae is served in a baccarat Harcourt crystal goblet with an 18K gold spoon to partake in the indulgenceserved with a petite mother of pearl spoon and topped with a gilded sugar flower by Ron Ben-Israel."

Apparently, they sell about one of these a month. And customers get to keep the fancy glass.

Funny Food Laws

Did you know that in L.A., it is illegal to poke a turkey you want to buy to see how tender it is? Or that in Massachusetts, mourners are prohibited from consuming more than three sandwiches at a wake? I didn't either!

I've always been amused by lists of stupid laws, however apocryphal they might be, and so I went out looking for ones that are food related. Here's what I found...

Alabama:
Putting salt on the railroad tracks may be punishable by death
You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time

Alaska:
It is illegal to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose

Arizona:
(Hackberry) A city ordinance prohibits women from eating raw onions while drinking buttermilk on the sabbath

California:
It is illegal to eat oranges in the bathtub
(Blythe) It is illegal to wear cowboy boots unless you already own two cows
(L.A.) It is illegal for a customer of a meat market to poke a turkey to see how tender it is
(Riverside) It is illegal to kiss on the lips in public unless both parties wipe their lips with carbonized rose water
(Rosemead) It's against the law to eat ice cream in public with a fork
(Victorville) It's against the law to shoot open canned goods with a revolver

Connecticut:
In order for a pickle to be considered a pickle, it must bounce

Florida:
(Tampa Bay) It is illegal to eat cottage cheese on Sunday after 6 p.m.

Georgia
(Gainsville) Chicken must be eaten with the hands

Idaho:
Boxes of candy given as romantic gifts must weigh more than 50 pounds

Illinois:
(Chicago) Law forbids eating at a place that's on fire

Indiana:
It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks. Liquor stores are also prohibited from selling milk.
Grocery stores can't sell cold liquor

Iowa:
After lovemaking, men aren't allowed more than three gulps of beer while cuddling with their wives
(Indianola) The "Ice Cream Man" and his truck are banned

Kansas:
It is illegal to sell cherry pie a la mode on Sunday

Louisiana:
The fine for ordering a pizza and sending it to someone without their knowledge is $500

Massachusetts:
It's illegal to give beer to a hospital patient
Candy may not contain more than 1% alcohol
At a wake, mourners can't eat more than three sandwiches
Tomatoes may not be used in the production of clam chowder
(Boston) It is illegal to eat peanuts in church

Maryland:
It's illegal to mistreat oysters

Minnesota:
(St. Cloud) Hamburgers may not be eaten on Sunday

Mississippi:
(Alexandria) It's illegal for a man to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions or sardines on his breath. He must brush his teeth if it's requested.

Nebraska:
It's illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup (*)   
(Lehigh) Doughnut holes may not be sold

New Jersey:
(Neward) It's illegal to sell ice cream after 6 p.m., unless the customer has a note from his/her doctor
It is illegal to slurp soup
(Trenton) It's illegal to throw a bad pickle in the street or to consume pickles on Sunday

New York:
(Greene) During a concert, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalk
(Ocean City) Eating while swimming in the ocean is prohibited
(Ocean City) Raw hamburger may not be sold

North Dakota:
It's illegal to serve beer and pretzels at the same time in any bar, club or restaurant

Oklahoma:
It will not be tolerated for anyone to take a bite of another's hamburger
(Tulsa) You may not open a soda bottle without the supervision of a licensed engineer

Oregon:
Canned corn is not to be used as bait when fishing

Pennsylvania:
Since 1760, it has been illegal to put pretzels in bags

Rhode Island:
It's an offense to throw pickle juice on a trolley

South Dakota:
It is illegal  to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory

Tennessee:
(Memphis) It's illegal to give away pie to fellow diners. It's illegal to take any pie home, all pie must be eaten on the premises.
Bologna can't be sold on Sunday

Texas:
(Houston) It's illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday

Utah:
It's illegal NOT to drink milk
It's legal for restaurants to serve wine with meals, but only if you ask for the wine list
Alcohol may not be sold during an emergency

Virginia:
(Richmond) It is illegal to flip a coin in any eating establishment to determine who buys a cup of coffee
Chickens are prohibited from laying eggs before 8 a.m. and after 4 p.m.

Washington:
All lollipops are banned

West Virginia:
It's illegal to cook cabbage or sauerkraut due to the odors. Perpetrators are subject to imprisonment

Wisconsin:
Cheese making requires a license. Making Limburger requires a master  cheese license
Butter substitutes may not be served in state prisons
Margarine may not be substituted for butter in a restaurant without the customer's request
It used to be illegal to serve apple pie without cheese in a restaurant

Wyoming
(Newcastle) It's illegal to have sex while standing in a store's walk-in freezer

Canada:
Clear or "non-dark" sodas may not contain caffeine

Denmark:
One may not be charged for food at an inn, unless one professes to be full
Restaurants may not charge for water unless it is accompanied by another item, like ice or a slice of lemon

U.K.
With the exception of carrots, most goods may not be sold on Sunday
Any person found to be breaking a boiled egg at the sharp end will be sentenced to 24 hours in the stocks
It's illegal for a lady to eat chocolates on a public conveyance

I found many of these at http://www.dumblaws.com/

Turnip Troubles

Right now, I'm fairly sure that the citizens of Wardsboro, Vermont (pop. <900) are wicked pissed at me. I accidentally slighted their favorite vegetable in one of my features last week.

Wardsboro, near the state's Southern border, is the home of the Gilfeather turnip, named after farmer John Gilfeather (1865-1944). Gilfeather developed and grew the crunchy white orbs during the early part of the 20th century. It's one of only a few widely-recognized and officially certified heirloom veggies indigenous to Vermont. In my Q&A with Gary Nabhan, I mistakenly transcribed it as a "gilliflower turnip." The black gilliflower is an heirloom variety of apple, not at all the same thing.

The folks in Wardsboro are so serious about their special root vegetable that they have an annual celebration in its honor. Vermont's Gilfeather Turnip Festival takes place at the end of each October. Admission is free, and so are the tasting portions of turnip dishes that are served between 2 and 4 p.m.

But their adulation goes even further. A turnip song? Yep. A turnip poem? You betcha. You can hear them both in this 23-minute video...

Gonna try cooking with GTs on your own? Here are links to a few recipes:
Gilfeather Turnip Soup with Spinach from the Four Columns Inn and Restaurant in Newfane
Gilfeather Turnip Soup with Sea-Legs, whatever that means
And a couple others.

Playing (Music) With Your Food

I've got a strange one for you today. Apparently, there are several groups of people out there in the world who have a penchant for carving instruments from fruits and vegetables. Carrots seem to be a rather popular choice among those who make audible edibles, as are butternut squash.

You can learn about a few of them here.

Also, check out this YouTube video from the Vienna Vegetable Orchestra.