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June 24, 2008

M. Night Shyamalama-Ding Dong

Happening I went to see The Happening last night. What a huge load of crap. For the love of all that is sacred to you, please don't waste your precious time & money on such a big, stinky fart of a film. It was so bad, that when the credits came up I vowed — out loud — to never return to a movie theater.

The acting throughout the film was stunningly bad. I'd have to say that the best performance was carried off by Marky Mark's nostrils. All I could wonder was how much he and that Zooey chick got paid for such a walk in the park.

Everyone in the audience laughed out loud a bunch of times during the movie and I'm still not really sure if it was meant to be funny or not. Thank goodness though, because the laugh factor was the film's only saving grace. The scene where a woman is watching a video on her cell phone of a guy having his arms ripped off by lions in a zoo made me practically wet myself. Ab-so-lutely hilarious. An hour or so after the movie, my buddy and I were still cracking up about how horrible the film was, so It was practically worth the $16.50 we spent.

Sure, it seems possible that plants can communicate with each other. Maybe even produce some neurotoxin that could make people loopy. But I doubt that plants can summon the wind when they need to spread said neurotoxin.

If this neurotoxin causes people to be paralyzed for a few seconds (the extras looked like really crappy live mannequins in an 80s mall window), then mumble some weird crap and then not be able to walk forward for a few steps, how can they figure out such intricate ways of killing themselves such as turning on an industrial lawn mower and causing it to go in a semi circle so you have enough time to lay down in front of it and get mowed to bits?

Everybody's seen the red Jeep smashing into the tree on the commercials for this stinkbomb. What you don't see is that the driver and one of the back seat passengers go flying through the windshield on impact. However, John Leguizamo's character, who was sitting in the passenger's seat with no seat belt, walks out unscathed. Of course, then he sits on the ground by the Jeep and finds some glass to slice his wrists.

My companion put it best when he said that The Happening "didn't seem to be a movie at all — nothing happened."

I agree with you 100%. I should have known that when the woman who plays the random crazy woman towards the end of the movie screams to our protagonist (Mr. Wahlberg) "Leave now!" she was actually trying to save the audience from sitting through a ridiculous ending.

However, I do disagree with you on one point. I think you are being too harsh with Marky Mark: his eyebrows also deserve credit for their fierce and riveting performance.

I couldn't agree more, Di. My favorite "what-the-fuck?" moments in this film include:

Why did the train they were on suddenly stop in the middle of nowhere just because their radio communications died? Did the train get lost? Then, all the passengers get off and somehow find cars to drive away in. How'd that happen?

When two of the kids get gunned down on the porch of a house, why did Markie and Zooey sit around discussing whether it's time to run?

While people are sitting in the middle of a field blowing their own brains out, why does Markie start reciting the "scientific method?"

My God! With plot holes big enough to back a truck through, how did 7D give this sorry mishap of a film 4 stars? I'm so ashamed....

I didn't mention it in the original post, but the 4-star thing is more horrifying than anything in that stinkbomb movie. Maybe there was some neurotoxins floating around in the theater the night Kisonak went.

Heh. Now I just gotta see it.

Oh dear! Don't say we didn't warn you, ODUM.

yea, The Happening was definitely NOT happening. Don't forget the part where the characters come upon a house they deemed abandoned and so run down it looked like no one had lived there for years and then they decided to go in to get something to eat. After about the fifth out of what must have been 50 drawn out close ups of Zooey D's peepers I thought I was gonna puke-WTF? I must say watching the 8 is Enough lady bash her face in the house was pretty damn funny though too but the zoo scene takes the cake. Someone should make a spoof of this but replace the cast with the crew from "What's Happening"

My favorite line is when Marky Mark says to himself, "Be scientific, douchebag."


Ha! Just a few days ago I was telling Eva that everyone calls the guy Shyamalama-ding-dong on the Net-- she had trouble believing me.

Have not had the pleasure of seeing this movie, but I have a feeling a montage of "best moments" will pop on YouTube soon enough, as with The Wicker Man (which I did have the misfortune to see in a theater). What I don't get is, if human beings have a "suicide switch," would flipping it really make them kill themselves in all these elaborate ways? Wouldn't we just sit still, stop trying and starve to death? That would be a dull movie-- but very existential!

Dag nabbit, I thought I made that name up.

Best quote?

"We're packing hot dogs for the road. You know hot dogs get a bad rap? They got a cool shape, they got protein. You like hot dogs right?"

And Ding-Dong wants us to take his movie seriously.

No no no, you have to go into the film thinking it is a comedy! Once my mind shifted, I couldn't stop laughing at how bad it was.

I mean, the part with the lawn mower is just so long and obviously fake - why would anyone hang around to watch it?

"Shyama-lame" is another variation I've seen in the Onion AV Club blog, where this movie has received a sound drubbing. Me, I'm still holding a grudge against the guy for the ending of Signs. But that movie raised expectations by being actually scary for a while.

I think "Be scientific, douchebag!" is my new motto. about.....Shyama-lame-a-ding-dong? Or...Shame-a-lame-a-ding-a-ling (as in "shame on you for stealing my money")

Ok. One more and I'm through. Promise.....Shyama-lame-a-everythingyouvemadesincethesixthsensehasstunkoutloud-a-ding-dong.

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