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February 10, 2009

Be a U.S. Border Guard, From the Privacy of Your Own Bedroom!

Have you secretly dreamed of being a crime-fighting hero, but the requisite cape and red tights make your ass look fat? Do you fantasize about nabbing South American drug-smugglers as they shuffle across our porous desert border, their colons packed with condoms full of China white? Does the idea of untold hordes of Mexican nationals wading across the Rio Grande in search of sub-minimum wage jobs in the American dishwashing and leaf-blowing industries make your blood boil?

Well, look no further. Finally, here's an opportunity to do your part in keeping swarthy southerners from undercutting your plummeting paycheck and salsafying your bland diet. You, too, can be "virtually deputized" to patrol the U.S./Mexico border... and you don't even have to put down that bag of Cheetos or surrender your avatar in "World of Warcraft."

The Texas Border Sheriffs' Association has partnered with BlueServo in a "Virtual Community Watch" program. And they're recruiting YOUR help to conduct online surveillance of scores of cameras and sensors. That's right, for no cost to you, you can act as another pair of watchful eyes, staring suspiciously at stands of cacti and mesquite trees for hours at a time, waiting for some hapless Mestizo dirt farmer to stumble into your night-goggled line of sight. And then, BOOM! You fire off an angry, anonymous email to the uniformed agents who nail their man. Mission accomplished!

And that's not all. Another facet of this program is:

"the ability of the public to connect their own cameras to to create local Virtual Neighborhood Watches in order to protect their own homes, neighborhoods, and families from criminal acts. These Virtual Neighborhood WatchesSM can, in turn, be connected to form additional Virtual Community WatchesSM."

Just think of all the squealing scenarios! Bust those pot-smoking hippies grilling tofu next door, or that douchebag down the street who keeps swiping your blue recycle bin. And don't even get me started on that yappy little Cairn terrier who keeps crapping under my mailbox. You're going DOWN, Fifi!

Finally, late-night voyeurism isn't just an activity for creepy old losers who drive vans and live in their mother's basements. It's now social networking in the name of patriotism. Go get 'em, guy. And remember to tell 'em that George Orwell sent you!

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