Lighters Up: The Lil' Kim Experience

Tweet

Here's one important thing you need to know about hip-hop queen Lil' Kim: she loves Vermont. Like, a lot. She told us so about 350 times at Wednesday night's show at Higher Ground.

But she doesn't love us in the same way that your grandma loves you. She doesn't want to bake you cookies or tousle your hair. No, she loves us in that freak-nasty, look-where-I-can-put-my-leg kind of way. Basically, she wants to fuck our brains out. Which kind of makes up for the fact that her show, all 60 minutes of it, was really a lackluster parade of old beats and late '90s hip-hop standards.

I hate saying that about Lil' Kim. I mean, she's the Queen Bee, the Original Bitch, the Black Barbie. And she's a felon. She's done hard time. But maybe she lost a little something during her year spent in the Philadelphia Federal Detention Center. For a woman who plied her trade in extreme raunch (read the lyrics to "Suck My Dick"), her vanilla show left a little to be desired.

Of all the shows I have ever attended at Higher Ground, this is the first where I have been greeted at the door by a pat-down. I kind of liked it. It made me feel like the show I was about to see had some element of danger. Like there was going to be some sort of Hot 97-esque shootout. You know, with all our rival hip-hop crews here in Vermont.

After my thrilling frisking, I entered the main room to find a packed house. The show, to my surprise, was sold out. Who knew the 35-year-old Lil' Kim was such a draw here in Whitetown? Apparently all the women there wearing sequined mini-dresses the size of a stick of gum. Immediately I felt like I was wearing too much clothing. 

It only took the Queen Bee about an hour to come out of her hive. But only after about a half an hour of cajoling by her co-MC, who must have hollered, "Make some muthafuckin' noise" like 90 times.

Someone forgot her shirt again.

So once we were making sufficient noise, the Black Barbie emerged. But she was hidden behind a shroud held up by her two veiled Jersey dancers. When the shroud was removed, Lil' Kim was also wearing a veil. I thought it might be covering her most recent plastic surgery, like she was channeling Michael Jackson or something.

But it turned out, after she removed the veil, it was actually Latoya Jackson Kim was channeling. Her cheeks were as big as peaches and her nose looked like it belonged on a pert little Cabbage Patch Doll. "Work" does not begin to describe what she's had done. It was more like a total reconstruction.

Lil' Kim's outfit was tamer than I would have expected/liked. A friend told me he saw her a couple years ago perform in only a pair of lacy undies and some suspenders. For Vermont, she threw on a few more layers and came out wearing a rhinestone-encrusted bustier, some painted-on jeans and some spike heel boots, making her about 5'3" instead of 4'11". I was sort of bummed because we were wearing the same top. 

Here are some show highlights:

Lil' Kim checking herself out in a mirror held by her "dancers."

Lil' Kim's RV-sized besuited bodyguard.

Lil' Kim getting crowned with a tiara.

Lil' Kim's weave.

Lil' Kim wearing a purple bob wig for a hot second.

Lil' Kim taking a break after 20 minutes of performing (literally, she said "I'll be right back.")

Lil' Kim's back-up dancer chewing gum.

Lil' Kim telling the audience how beautiful we were (lies).

Lil' Kim's "costume changes" (donning a fedora and blazer, then putting on a Yankees cap).

Lil' Kim taking hostages.

Lil' Kim ripping off Alicia Keys (OK, that's not a highlight).

Lil' Kim's bilingual rapping ("I'm the hottest bitch on the planet/ Lemme give it to you in Spanish/ Soy el más caliente perra en el planeta").

At the end of the show, the Queen said she wanted to dance with the crowd so she could go home saying she partied with "her people in Vermont." This was my chance to be best friends with Black Barbie. I knew if only I could meet her, I'd become a member of her Barbie entourage. She already had Jersey Barbie in duplicate in the form of her back-up dancers. She just needed Translucent Barbie to make her collection legit.

Insert something here.

I pushed my way to the front and waved my arms like a nut to get her or MC Anonymous to notice me. Of course, I wasn't wearing an Ed Hardy T-shirt dress, big sunglasses or a bangin' Pink Lady-style satin jacket, so my chances of being seen were slim. Still, I hoped. She picked girl after girl, but I wasn't among them.

Damn you, Lil' Kim. Don't you know who I am? I am the third place finisher of the 2009 Celebrity Giant Pumpkin Regatta. I won second place in the New York Newspaper Publishers Association 2004 annual awards (circ. 25,000 or below). In fifth grade, I won a free-throw shooting contest at my school. I am an important person.

I'm sort of glad I wasn't picked, because then I would have had to watch the devolution of the show up close. I prefer to watch embarrassing junk shows from afar. For about 10 minutes during the epic "finale," Lil' Kim and her posse implored the crowd to "Put your lighters up." We all complied (well, I just had a book of matches that I lit one by one) and waited for the knockout punch.

But there was no KO. The show just sort of fizzled out. There was no encore, no introducing the DJ and the MC and no dirtiness. She grinded with her hostages and arched her back a couple of times, but we're talking about a woman who once sang, "I ain't out shoppin' spendin' dudes' C-notes/ I'm in tha crib givin' niggaz deep throat." And that's probably the tamest lyric she's ever written. I expected displays of public sex or at the very least some disrobing.

Unceremoniously, she sallied off the stage, the lights came up, and the crowd left. Outside, we were greeted by a virtual platoon of cops, all standing around with their hands on their sidearms, ready to step in and save the day in the event of a Biggie Smalls-style drive-by. The two barking K-9 units seemed like a bit much.  But they made for a lively and somewhat dangerous end to the evening.

Comments

[Kate]

llu thought she had the veil on because she was lip synching! sketch.

[Jolene]

Yikes. Are you done now?

[Lauren Ober]

Dear Jolene,

No, I'm not done; I'm finished. Cakes are done; people are finished.

[Molly]

The show was cut short and the cops were there because of a brawl.

http://www.wptz.com/news/23791321/detail.html
http://www.rutlandherald.com/article/20100604/THISJUSTIN/100609973
http://www.wcax.com/global/story.asp?s=12593727
http://www.burlingtonfreepress.com/article/20100604/NEWS02/6040309/Lil-Kim-concert-in-South-Burlington-leads-to-fracas

[Lauren Ober]

Dear Molly,

To my knowledge, the show actually wasn't cut short. She played for an hour, as per her contract. Patrons were NOT in fact asked to leave as was reported in the Free Press. Lil Kim played her "finale" and the house lights went up and everyone left in an orderly fashion. The Free Press story also said that the concert went on past midnight, which it did not. There might have been a fight, but it must have happened outside. And I doubt if it was a huge brawl because every cop looked pretty relaxed when the rest of the concertgoers left.

I think this is an example of "press release journalism." None of those reports actually had real reporting in them. They were just rewritten press releases. Which always makes for riveting news.

[Molly]

After I posted that I was thinking it was silly of me. I should know better than to believe stories that are worded almost exactly the same way over different agencies. I've done a lot of volunteer work with the Vermont department of corrections over the years and have heard from both offenders and police how generally inaccurate crime/justice reporting is.

I wish there was at least one real crime-beat reporter in the area who was devoted solely to interviewing cops, lawyers, offenders, witnesses, and attending trials.

[Beth]

This review is very condescending.

[Pasqualina]

An angry and pretentious review, too.

[Jimmy]

How about "oh I didn't know there was a fight, I guess that's why the cops were there" - nah, why pass up an opportunity to take a shot at the free press.

[montpelier28]

Lots of cops, more OT, back to the Click It or Ticket Rip Off. (Seat belts yes, Cop checks no).

[Lauren Ober]

Dear Jimmy,

With all do respect, I wasn't taking a shot at the Free Press. They paid my rent and my utility bills for nearly four years. I was simply pointing out how a minor scrape can be elevated to huge brawl by simply rewording a press release. And how a few non-truths can become fact really fast.

[Jimmy]

Is that a play on "with all due respect"? If so, I don't get it.

"None of those reports actually had real reporting in them" sounds like a shot to me. Then again my limited mental capacity is unable to conjure the image of cops looking "pretty relaxed" with while commandeering "barking K-9 units" with "their hands on their sidearms," so what do I know.

[Jay]

Jimmy... if you believe everything you read in the newspaper (or online), you're an idiot.

There was no brawl.
Don't believe everything you read.
End of story.

[Jimmy]

"There was no brawl."

The point is that something happened and the cops were called. Whether it was a simple fight or a "brawl" is irrelevant. This blog post makes the cops sound like reactionary idiots for preemptively standing outside a rap show with "their hands on their sidearms" because the writer apparently had no idea that they were called for a reason, nor did she ask anyone who would know - like one of the "relaxed" cops - or if she did she forgot to mention that.

"Everything I read in the newpaper or online" about this is that the state police report that cops throughout the county were called because of an incident. So two questions, intrepid reporter Jay: why were they really there, and are the state police lying or are multiple local news outlets lying?

[webber]

"Jimmy... if you believe everything you read in the newspaper (or online), you're an idiot."

Jay, I tend to agree with you. But just to clarify, does that include Seven Days?

[Pasqualina]

Hmmm. Interesting points..but what is the real issue that everyone is reacting to, here? I mean the REAL issue. What is it??

[Kate]

When I left the show and was incredibly surprised to see so many police for such an orderly show & exit, I asked one of the Higher Ground staff people outside what was going on. He said that there were a few "small fights" with some people getting kicked out, but that he saw the situation as "the people who were fighting were black, the cops assumed it was gang-related, and completely overreacted." He was upset and called the whole incident "shamefully racist."

I confirmed with another staff person a few nights later that there were a few minor fights in the crowd, nothing out of control, and a larger fight outside towards the end of the show. She agreed that the amount of police presence was over the top.

[Jimmy]

When there are a series of fights at any event, it's probably appropriate to call several cops. Thanks for clarifying that there was, in fact, a reason that they were there.

More importantly I'm guessing that your reports of two Higher Ground staff badmouthing the cops isn't going to do wonders for club-police relations.

[Sarah]

Am I the only person who found Ms. Ober's commentary poorly written and ridiculous? Is this really worth space on the internet?
Did you actually refer to Burlington as "Whitetown" several days before an article on the same blog about a couple's wedding being ruined due to racism? really? I seriously do hope that someone isn't paying you to write this dribble.

[Cathy Resmer]

I think Lauren's reference to "Whitetown" was tongue-in-cheek. She's basically just snarkily pointing out the obvious -- that Vermonters are, by and large, white. The couple with the St. Albans wedding would not disagree, I'm sure. They might point out that the homogenous nature of our population is partly what leads to incidents of racial profiling.

And yes, we are, in fact, paying Lauren to do precisely what she's doing -- writing opinionated, sometimes controversial blog posts that get people talking. Her writing style is a feature, not a bug, as they say in the software world.

[Jimmy]

Posting links to other people's blog entries, flicking shit at a police presence because the writer didn't know there was a reason they were there - yeah that's super "snarky" and "edgy"

[Cathy Resmer]

Ah, Jimmy. Whatever you think of Lauren's writing, you still have to admit that it's far gutsier of her to sign her name and be accountable to your criticisms, than it is for you to fire them off anonymously.

[Jimmy]

Hey Cathy, welcome to the internet - the whole "you're a pussy because you're anonymous" thing was played out years ago, but will never die with those flailing for a response, so you go right on ahead. Applauding a paid writer for using her own name adds a new layer of humor to your "point," so thanks for that, I guess.

[Pasqualina]

I find the performer-bashing to be insulting. Perhaps this post was written from the perspective of a young white upper middle class privileged spoiled brat. I won't waste my time reading this blog anymore. Seven Days can do better.

[clairemontyp]

Lauren - this provided me, a Lil' Kim fan sadly out of state on the 2nd, not only with the keen details of the performance I was so sad to have missed, but also the raw and snarky commentary I'm sure I would have espoused during the drive back to Montpelier. Thanks!