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November 19, 2010

Tax This, Bill Sorrell!

This is not the author of this post, but it might as well be Dear A.G. Bill Sorrell, 

What were you thinking proposing a tax on sugary drinks? I mean, I realize that liquid sugar bombs like Amp Energy (58 grams) and Rockstar (62 grams) are making us all morbidly obese. Hell, I practically bleed Snapple Raspberry Iced Tea. But it's not the drinks' fault that water is totally boring without high fructose corn syrup and caramel color. 

Anyway, I'd like to submit that I think your idea is crap. Here's why: an extra penny-per-ounce tariff is not going to make me any less inclined to buy my mango-peach CRUNK (56 grams). If you think it will, you're crazy. What do I care about a 16-cent increase?

If you want to disincentivize sweet beverages (or liquid cavities as I call them), you need to make it really uncomfortable for people to buy them. Like I- need-to-take-out-a-second-mortgage-on-my-home-in-order-to-afford-it uncomfortable. Like enema uncomfortable. Take cigarettes. You practically have to be a millionaire to afford them. An average pack of smokes goes for $11 in New York City. That's the level of discomfort you want. Not 16 cents.

However, I realize the state is in a bit of a financial pickle. With Vermont's coffers windblown and nearly barren, we need some cash. To, like, fight obesity and stuff. So how about taxing things besides delicious sugary libations? Below I've listed some possible alternatives to which you can apply a regressive tax to your heart's content. You're welcome. 


Top 10 things to tax before sugary drinks:

1. Longboards


2. Shorts or pants with words like "Juicy" or "DTF" printed on the ass


3. Rasta colors (but only on white people)


4. Ugliness


5. Zucchini


Not So Much
6.  The phrase "Not so much"


7. Dresses for dogs


(Tie) 8. Open-mic poetry nights 


(Tie) 8. Any sort of 'tini that does not start with Mar  


9.  Proselytizing


10. Bluetooth(s)

adding even more to the VT AG's taxable wishlist (David Letterman style: i.e., listed so in order to be read in reverse order of course):

10. Taser stun guns
9. handguns
8. automatic weapons
7. bullets
6. caffeinated teas
5. caffeinated coffee
4. chocolate
3. ice cream
2. porn
1. sex toys

This idea by the AG rates right up their with the scream of his buddy Howdy Dean back a few years ago. It will be laughed at for many years. Of course Vt. being the now Vt. will probably embrace the idea. It does appear though that Gov. Elect Shummaster has a few worries about it.
A message to the AD. I did not vote for you to prosecute the obese, but to vigorously prosecute murders, rapists, and abusers of public funds. The latter of course a reference to Kiss and Leopold. No post from me would be complete without a reference to the gruesome twosome.

or, if it suits some people much better, the order of the previous list of mine can easily be reversed in terms of priority or preference:

1. Taser stun guns
2. handguns
3. automatic weapons
4. bullets
5. caffeinated teas
6. caffeinated coffee
7. chocolate
8. ice cream
9. porn
10. sex toys

an expanded list:

11. online spam
12. junk mail
13. cell phones
14. iPods
15. baggy pants
16. miniskirts
17. thongs
18. lounge pants (i.e., men's pajamas)
19. excessive swearing or cursing
20. anything with polka dots

maybe 7Days should do one of their surveys asking people what should be taxed rather than just certain sugary beverages? however this time around, instead of asking a mere 400 or so state legislators, state employees, lawyers and other Montpelier insiders -- most of whom never responded for one reason or another, expand it to include anyone from the public willing to participate and use an online form for people to do so.

When some over paid over weight politician/lawyer starts spewing about fat people, the word irony does not begin to express how weird this is on so many levels. He should stick to pardoning cops for murdering people or whatever else it is he does...Oh yea...pretending to be a democrat

Nearly as ironic as when those same politicians or "fat cats" of D.C. speak about tax breaks for the wealthiest americans, right? When they say they are "there for the middle-class" vermonters...give me a break. Irony or hypocrisy?

Smokers have been paying the additional tax for years. Why shouldn't sugary drinks or chocolate bars be tacked on as well?

What's that saying? In for a penny, in for a pound?

This post is amazing.

I really like Full Throttle, which is one of those sugar bomb drinks.

I so agree on #6.

#1, not so much.

The good AG must be packing at least 190 pounds. Not exactly on the lean side there, Councilor. Why don't we accept some responsibility for our actions.

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