Good Riddance, 2010

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Ed. Note: During the last week of the year, we asked our writers to reflect on the highs and lows of 2010.

While 2010 might have been a good year for Taylor Swift, rich people and the Internet, it has not been great for me. This is largely due to the fact that not only was I omitted from People magazine's list of the most beautiful people in the world, but I was snubbed for a MacArthur "genius" grant. Oh, and my bid for Vermonter of the Year? Ignored. Ditto for Time magazine's person of the year prize (a pox on your house, Mark Zuckerberg). 

So the prospect of a brand new year — where the possibility of me nabbing one, or all, of those honors looms large — makes me feel all atingle. No, that's not the egg nog talking. 2011 will be my year, filled with sweetness and light and a team of miniature donkeys, upon which I will ride in my custom-made sedan chair. As the time drains out of 2010, I feel practically airy and optimistic about what the future holds. Next year can't come fast enough. 

Here's why I'm looking forward to 2011:

1. It's an odd year. All good things happen in odd years, including the Apollo moon landing, the release of Michael Jackson's Bad album and my birth. 

2. No elections. Ok, sure people in Stoninghamfordville Gore will vote to elect a couple of new library trustees. But we won't have to endure hours of identical campaign commercials starring slippery, shirtsleeved politicians urging us to put our trust in them. Blech! I'd rather put my trust in something worthy of that. Like, say, Wall Street.

3. Since I am independently wealthy, I've been fretting something fierce the last few months that Obama was going to take away my tax cuts. But, like a good little compromiser, he pushed through a bill extending Bush's tax breaks for moneybags like me. Thank god! I was worried I'd have to sell the house in Capri. But it didn't come to pass. Drinks on me in 2011! And a big-screen TV for you, and you, and you.

4. No more disasters. With the BP oil spill, the Haitian earthquake, the flooding in Pakistan, the Russian wildfires, the Chilean mine collapse and that terrible yellow hat I wore out once last winter, I feel like we have hit our world-limit of horrendous things. We've gotten them all out of the way in 2010. We can't possibly have any more. 2011 will be smooth sailing, literally. No skyscraper-sized typhoons, no Hell-borne lava flows, no gangs of man-eating tigers prowling city streets. You can all rest easy in 2011.

5. This was the year of name-calling for me. Not that I was doing the epithet-hurling mind you. No, that job was done in superb fashion our many online commenters. They — or should I say you — let loose some doozies this year. So far in this calendar year, I have been called:

a nitwit

an imbecile

a bigot

a bitch

stupid

classist

racist

superior

weak 

dumb

...and the list goes on. In 2011, I'm predicting readers will come around and start treating me the way they would want to be treated. Unless of course they like be treated badly. Because they've been bad, bad, naughty boys. Hey, if you're into that kind of stuff, far be it from me to judge.

But really, I predict that a wave of civility will wash over commenters, rendering them sopping with niceties. My guess is that people will completely abandon their acid-tongued ways for barbs made of cotton candy and gumdrops. Comments will be so saccharine, I'll end up with a mental mouthful of cavities. And that's not a bad thing. 

So good riddance, 2010. May you soon be just a distant memory. Onwards to 2011!

Happy new year to you all! And thanks for reading. 

Comments

[Bungalow Benchly]

You forgot lazy, irresponsible, and ignorant.

Lauren, I've been called most every name in the book and if there's one thing I've learned thus far in my life, it's that I most likely earned 90% of those names. Instead of glossing over the fact that you were doing the name-calling as well and probably earned quite a few of these names, why not focus your attentions in 2011 on earning better ones?