Creepy Crawly

In most instances I'll advocate for any sex toy that's shaped like a phallus and vibrates, but the Wormie just isn't making me squirmy. Babeland.com says the waterproof Wormie will "look like just another cute bath toy." Why would I want that? I don't have kids, but if I did, I wouldn't want my Wormie splashing around with my child's rubber ducky. Furthermore, as a grown woman without children, I don't particularly want houseguests gazing upon childlike toys in my tub. In fact, if people want to snoop behind my shower curtain, I'd rather give them an eyeful of something more interesting.

If you like the idea of this cutesy little toy worming its way around your sexy bits, it's on clearance now at Babeland.

Friday Frenzy

It's Friday, and I'm feeling friskier than usual. It's the weekend before Halloween and that means lots of fun parties and costumes. I love Halloween because it allows us to let our alter egos take over — good girls become scantily-clad ladies of the night and otherwise boring men transform into blood-sucking vampires. It's amazing how much more fun life can be when we're in disguise. . .

If you haven't found the perfect costume yet, check out Old Gold in downtown Burlington. They have sexy costumes for men and women, and they even carry some plus sizes.

And if Halloween debauchery wasn't enough, Shortbus opens at Palace 9 tonight! It's getting great reviews, so I suggest grabbing ten of your hottest friends and hitting the theater.

Have fun all my little ghosts and goblins. . .and play safe.

xoxo,
MM

Big Fun

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My husband and I have been married for 6 years, and we have a 5-year-old son and 3-year-old daughter. I'm a petite person (5'4", 130lbs). My husband, on the other hand, is a giant. He is 6'7" and weighs 290lbs. Finding sexual positions has always been challenging due to our size difference, but we figured out ways to use the living room furniture, the clothes washer and the kitchen counters to correctly align ourselves for lovemaking. However, now that the kids are big enough to sneak out of bed after bedtime, we've been trying to keep our sex life in the bedroom, but it's getting frustrating. He ends up having to hold me in position, which is tiring for him and uncomfortable for me. Can you suggest any new positions?

Thanks,
Katherine

Dear Katherine,

Have you ever heard the saying, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it?" If using furniture helps you line up the goods, consider putting an armchair or loveseat in your bedroom. If you're cramped for space in the bedroom, I suggest putting a lock on the laundry room door. If you and your hubby have had a satisfying sex life up until now, I think you should make some minor adjustments and go about your business.

However, if the above suggestions don't fly, there are products
out there specifically designed to help you. For example, you might want
to check out the Liberator line of lovemaking gear. They specialize in making bedroom accoutrements for the taller-than-average lover. You don't have to be freakishly tall to use these products; you can purchase Liberators for lovers under 5'9", lovers over 6'4" and lovers over 6'7". You can also get some styles in a wider version for plus-size folks. Check out their site for video demonstrations of their products (but perhaps you shouldn't watch at work).

While I haven't personally tested the Liberator products, a 6'6" friend of mine swears by them. I also see that the Liberator products come with a machine washable cover, so when you're washing it, perhaps you and hubby can enjoy the spin cycle.

Kisses,
MM

Hot and Heavy

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I should start by saying that I am a heavy woman, and I have had trouble in the dating scene because most guys will not approach a fat woman. Recently, I met a guy who has a “thing” for bigger women. At first I thought it was strange, but then I decided to give him a chance. When we are intimate, I can tell he really likes my large body, and I feel very confident and free with him. The problem is, he never takes me out on dates. We always stay in and watch a movie or make dinner. I am beginning to think he doesn’t want to be seen with me in public. I’ve never felt so sexy before, but I wonder if his attraction for me ends in the bedroom?

Sincerely,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Being a sexy, curvy woman myself, I can sympathize with you. It is not easy being the most ample woman in the club watching Barbie-girls scoop up all the eligible men. As for your new beau, he’s a fetishist. When we think of fetishes, what comes to mind is images of foot worship and men wearing women’s under-things. In reality, anything can be fetishized — including you.

This gentleman has a penchant for the plus-sized, and he is fulfilling his innermost fantasies by sleeping with you. It all comes down to what you want to get out of this relationship. If he makes you feel hot and sexy, perhaps you want to pursue a strictly sexual relationship with him — safely, of course. But if you’re looking for a long-term love relationship, I think you’re barking up the wrong tree.
Before you give up completely, though, try to talk to him about your concerns. Perhaps he is just oblivious to your needs. If he doesn’t respond to your request for a more social dating routine, I suggest you move on. Honey, if you’re good enough in the sheets, you should be good enough for the streets.

With chub love,
MM

Girls Night Out

Hey ladies,

I want to invite you to a little shindig on Thursday, November 2 from 6-8 p.m. at The Cellar (below the Wine Bar on St. Paul Street in Burlington). It's a Passion Party! My friends at Seven Days, along with Kristen from Passion Parties, are planning a fun evening of food, drink and toys galore! If you're looking to spice up your love life, Kristen will have toys for women, men and couples of all persuasions. Kristen and her crew of sexperts will educate you on the best toys to fit your needs and desires.

Grab some girlfriends and c'mon down! Be sure to RSVP, though! If I can tear myself away from my own treasure chest of toys, you might catch a glimpse of me. . . then again, maybe not.

xoxo,
MM

Can't Restrain Myself

I'm a big fan of restraints. Unfortunately, living in an apartment in the Burlington area, it's a little difficult to maintain the dungeon of my dreams. Instead, I use items that are easily hidden when the landlords come over — silk scarves, handcuffs, etc. So, imagine my delight when I found Under the Bed Restraints by Sportsheets at my friendly local adult shop. This contraption slides between your box spring and mattress, with the arm and ankle restraints dangling out on their respective sides. They work great. I have a king-sized bed, and I was able to set up the product on my own with little difficulty. The straps are long enough to accommodate a petite person and strong enough to hold a 6'6, 300lb man in place (trust me).

My only complaint is with the construction of the actual cuffs — I found the metal rings to be a little weak. Luckily, the cuffs detach easily, so you can use your own!

Have a delicious weekend and play safe.

Fat Friendly, Femme Approved

A friend of mine just sent me a link to InHerTube Harnesses along with her ringing endorsement of the product. She and her heavyset female partner had been struggling to find a harness that was both attractive and comfortable for a larger frame. The InHerTube Harness is custom made from heavy-duty tire materials, and they specialize in fitting even the most ample of partners.

They also have a VERY cool product called the InHerHand Hand Harness. I can think of more than a few fun uses for this one. Not to mention I love the smell and feel of rubber. . .yum!

Pinch Hitting

Dear Mistress Maeve,

After a decade of living every gay man’s dream bachelor life in San Francisco, I met and fell in love with the perfect man while vacationing in Vermont. I fell for him so hard that I moved here to be closer to him. We have the same sense of humor, the same spiritual beliefs and the same career and family goals. There is just one problem: we’re both tops. I’m more passive in everyday life, but in the bedroom, we keep butting heads – and not the right ones. Can two tops make it work?

Tell me what to do!
Russell

Dear Russell,

Didn’t you do any prescreening about this issue before you hopped a plane to live happily ever after? Perhaps you were just too smitten to face the reality of your sexual incompatibility? If you want to continue this relationship, you have some teamwork to do. Having spent much time in the gay community admiring its many sexual subcultures and traditions, I must say this: gay men need to be more open. If gay men stopped worrying so much about who was supposed to be the top, the bottom or the meat in a three-way man sandwich, everyone would have much more fun. I suggest picking up Gay Men and Anal Eroticism: Tops, Bottoms and Versatiles by Steven G. Underwood (Harrington Park Press, 2003). Through interviews with gay men, the author reveals the psychological secrets behind being top, bottom or other. Reading this book together would give you and your love insight into what the other is looking for in the bedroom. Solving this problem will demand that both of you make some concessions in the sack, but it could be fun. If you’re both willing to switch positions and catch while the other pitches, you might just hit a homerun.

Batter up,
MM

Sex Sells. . .Again

It's Monday, and I'm tired after a long, glorious weekend of "research." I love my job.

All I can muster is a link to Corona's new ad campaign, courtesy of my friend J. Pretty steamy for a cold beverage. . .

What was he thinking?

Have we learned nothing from over two decades of HIV? In a completely infuriating interview with Howard Stern this week, Alec Baldwin states his disdain for condoms. Stern, being a smart man, quickly steps all over Baldwin and praises the condom. Nice save, Howie.

This seems like a fine time to mention that both Vermont Cares and The Community Health Center of Burlington offer free, anonymous HIV testing on a walk-in basis. For hours and details, call Vermont Cares at 802-863-2437 or The Community Health Center of Burlington at 802-864-6309.

Have a great weekend. . .and play safe.

UPDATE: I neglected to mention that you can also get free, anonymous HIV testing at R.U.1.2 Queer Community Center in Burlington. Give them a call at 802-860-7812 for more details. Thanks for alerting me, Clark!

What Would Mr. Belding Say?

Just when I'd thought I'd seen it all. . .

Dustin Diamond, who played Screech on TV's "Saved By the Bell," has made
his very own porn video. Diamond claims the 40-minute threesome video was
leaked unintentionally, but after this year's Save Screeech's House
campaign, I have to wonder if this is just another scheme to make a quick
buck. Whatever the case may be, my online sources tell me that the tape is
very graphic and at least mildly entertaining. TMZ is reporting that David
Hans Schmidt, famous for peddling Paris Hilton's sex tape, is currently
shopping the Diamond video. With any luck, the DVD will be coming soon to
a living room near you.

My favorite tidbit about this story: the working title of the video is
"Save By the Smell," an apt title -- apparently, Diamond introduces one
of his female partners to the Dirty Sanchez. Screech, you dirty boy!

If A.C. Slater is more your cup of tea, you can check out Mario Lopez's booty shot on Nip/Tuck at Hunk du Jour.

Camera Shy

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I’m in deep trouble. During a recent night of heavy drinking and partying, I cheated on my girlfriend with a woman I met at a bar. The worst part is, since I couldn’t take her back to the apartment I share with my girlfriend, I took her to the office building where I work. I have a key to the building, but no one is supposed to be there after hours. On our way out, I noticed a camera mounted in the hallway. I didn’t know we had security cameras! It’s been a couple of days and my boss hasn’t said anything. I’m paranoid and freaking out. What if he knows and isn’t saying anything yet? Maybe the camera is a fake to scare intruders away? What should I do?

Thanks,
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Take a deep breath. Put your head between your legs if necessary — although I find it’s always far better to have someone else’s head between my legs. Listen, plenty of companies put up fake cameras as a ruse to run off robbers. More likely than that, though, the camera in your office does work, but the footage recorded on it won’t be consulted unless an incident occurs. So, as long your crime of passion was the only crime committed on premises that night, you’re probably in the clear. Just in case, though, you should prepare an Oscar-worthy speech about how you made a horribly out-of-character decision to bone your new beauty on the conference room table. On second thought, perhaps you should leave out the details . . .

Oh, and one more word of advice: if you are unhappy in your current relationship, end it. Do not disrespect your girlfriend again, or Karma might catch the whole tryst on camera next time.

Say cheese,
MM

Latex No-nos

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My friends told me that massage oil could make a condom break. Now I'm scared to give my boyfriend a massage before we make love. Are my friends right?

Thanks,
Sasha

You have smart friends, Sasha. Some slippery substances like massage oil, baby oil and body lotions can damage latex. You can get a more detailed list of latex no-nos on Planned Parenthood's website. Unfortunately, one of my personal favorites — whipped cream — is also on the list. So if you're like me and enjoy making a banana split out of your partner, be sure to clean up thoroughly before using latex for protection during intercourse and oral sex.

With a cherry on top,
MM

Sticky Question

The Big Ask, a campaign launched by the UK-based Friends of Earth that educates people on the perils of climate change, is airing this cheeky commercial in the UK. The spot encourages people to start asking tough questions about climate change in order to force governments to take action. The sex angle works particularly well for the times we live in. With a new juicy sex scandal around every corner, this commercial is sure to raise some eyebrows and hopefully get some results. Perhaps if the FCC weren't so uptight, we could air a commercial like this in the US and start getting some results of our own. Let's face it, sex sells — whether it's clothing, automobiles or a solution to global warming.

Get Down to Get Off

Sex and music have always gone together like pie and ice cream. Now a company called Love Labs is taking the relationship to an entirely new level. iBuzz is the latest and greatest geeky sex gadget taking the hipster world by storm. Simply plug iBuzz into your iPod (or any other MP3 player) and select a groove. Then lie back and enjoy the ride. The iBuzz vibrating bullet will hum along to the beat of your favorite music, whether you're in the mood for smooth jazz or thrash metal.

iBuzz comes with accessories for him and her, and it can also be used on its own if your iPod runs out of juice. You can learn more and purchase here.

Just a note: Love Labs released iBuzz in the USA on Steve Jobs' birthday. Got to love a company with a sense of humor.

Short Wait for Shortbus

Thanks to those of you who have taken the time to comment on my blog — it's always exciting to receive feedback on my performance. A special thanks goes out to Eric who let me know that Shortbus will, in fact, be coming to Burlington! The Palace 9 has plans to begin showing the film on October 27. I'll be the first in line. . .

Coffee Conundrum

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I was at a small social event last night and had a nice conversation with a man who asked if we could go out for coffee sometime. I agreed because I enjoyed talking with him, but “coffee” is so ambiguous. I feel that the non-stated invitation is really, “Would you like to go out for coffee so that we can determine how compatible we are in terms of getting into each other’s pants?”

Maybe I’m naive, but I really only want coffee and conversation with this guy. I’m not in a position to date him, and I’ve run into this problem in the past. When is the right time to mention what I am, and am not, available for romantically? Did I already miss my window of opportunity at the invitation stage?
I’m so confused!

Thanks,
Kate

Dear Kate,

Sometimes I think it would be easier if we all wore badges indicating our dating status, like “Ready, Willing and Able” or “Don’t Even Think About It.” Unfortunately the path to love and happiness isn't lined with easy-to-read road signs. You’re right about coffee dates. They’re a harmless way to give someone the dating once-over, and hey, they’re cheaper than buying dinner. That said, you are not responsible for this guy’s ulterior motives. If you are genuinely interested in being friends with him, go ahead and meet him for coffee. If he’s putting out the “I like you” vibe, kindly and nonchalantly interject that you’re not in a position to date anyone at the moment, but that you hope you can continue getting to know one another as friends. I know it can be uncomfortable to be straightforward — and speaking of straight, if you are, making friends with the opposite sex can be tricky; awkward moments can’t always be avoided. No matter how he reacts initially, in the end, he’ll appreciate your candor.

I must say, Kate, you've got me curious about you. You don’t say why you’re not in a position to date this guy, and as long as you’re not married or otherwise spoken for, I would offer one other bit of advice: you never know, this one-time coffee date could percolate into something more.

With two sugars,
MM

Travel Tips

A word of advice for sex-positive travelers: put your lube in the checked luggage.

I had a flight out of BTV on Friday, and I mistakenly thought the ban on carry-on liquids had been lifted. I always travel with my lube in my carry-on bag — one too many messy lube explosions in my suitcase. But, as I learned, carrying on the lube can create an even stickier situation. Approaching the security line, I noticed people presenting their liquid-based personal effects in a Ziploc bag. Uh-oh. Luckily a friendly fellow traveler offered up an extra bag. I threw the bottle of lube in the baggy along with my mascara, lip gloss and hair product. In the midst of taking off my shoes, fishing my laptop out of its case and emptying the change from my pockets, I noticed the security agent eyeing my lube. He opened the Ziploc, examined the bottle, then motioned for another security worker to assist him. After conferring with one another for a few moments and successfully piquing the interest of all the travelers in line behind me, they informed me that my bottle of lube was too large to be taken on the plane. Apparently, all carry-on liquids cannot be over 3-ounces in size. So, I had to say goodbye to my brand new bottle of lube. My only consolation: fantasizing about the security agent taking my lube home for his own personal use— he was hot.

Don't repeat my mistake! Check out the latest travel guidelines before you get to the airport.

Over the years I've grown accustomed to sideways glances from airport security officials when my baggage passes through the x-ray machine — it's hard to mistake a dildo or butt plug for hair gel. If you prefer to be a bit more discrete about your sexual proclivities when traveling, Toys in Babeland offers some great incognito toys for travel.