MORE BLOGS: Blurt | Stuck in VT | Solid State

Seven Days Blogs: Mistress Maeve

« October 2006 | Main | December 2006 »

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Twist of Fate

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Some years ago I met a man I had instant chemistry with. No, not the sexual kind of chemistry, but the kind of chemistry that gets you right in the heart. I suspect this man felt the same; I sensed it. We had a chance meeting a few years later, and he seemed pretty excited to see me, too. This man has stayed on my mind all these years, and I really feel like he might be the special one for me — the one we all long for in life. I've thought about contacting him recently because I am now single. I'm not sure if he's single, but I suspect he wasn't at the time of our initial meeting. My question is, should I make an attempt to contact him or wait and be patient, hoping that fate makes our paths cross again?


Dear G,

I like a fated romance story as much as the next girl, but sometimes we have to create our own destinies. In your case, fate has already done its job by parading this man through your world on two occasions — the rest is up to you. In today's web-crazed world, it's easy to find people from our pasts. Try sites like MySpace and Friendster first. These sites make it easy to "bump into" someone online and keep things casual. If he hasn't jumped onto the friend networking bandwagon yet, do some internet sleuthing on Zaba Search or White Pages.

When you find him, be cool. Find out if he's single before you profess your undying devotion. You clearly have a strong intuitive feeling about this guy, but until you know he feels the same way, protect your heart.


Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Don't Ask, Don't Tell?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Bisexual_2When I was 15, I came out of the closet as a lesbian and proceeded to date women through college. I was very out and an active member of the gay community for many years. After I graduated, I found myself attracted to men, too. I’m 25 now, and I just started seeing a guy I really like. I’m not sure when to tell him about my former life as a lesbian. He’s kind of a “guy’s guy,” and I’m worried about how he'll react. I’m hoping that it won’t be a big deal to him, but I’m worried that he’ll feel threatened. I’m hoping you can give me some advice.


Dear Anonymous,

My dear, you need to take the closet door off its hinges and stop worrying about what anyone else thinks. Unfortunately, in today’s society, you still might have some explaining to do about your “open door policy.” When you start dating a straight guy, tell him about your varied sexuality right away. He might get excited at first, as though this news means you’ll have an endless stream of women joining you in the bedroom. You should manage his assumptions and expectations by explaining that your sexuality has little to do with his personal pleasure. Unapologetically explain that you didn’t just make out with a few girls in college as a drunken party experiment — tell him about marching in the gay pride parade and bringing a girl to your high school prom.

Some men will be threatened by your bisexuality, but the majority will respect your history. After all, the more assorted sexual experiences you’ve had, the more they benefit from your vast bedroom knowledge. Let go of your awkwardness, take ownership of who you are, and be honest with him. If this guy is worth your time, he’ll appreciate the history that makes you who you are today.

Triple Kisses,

Monday, November 27, 2006

Best Holiday Gift Ever

Have you been struggling with what to get your pervy friends this holiday season? I've got the solution: Let the folks at make a butt plug in their likeness. For around $125, will create a toy closely resembling your friend (or foe) from an up-close picture you supply. You should receive your one-of-a-kind toy in about two weeks.

If a butt toy in one's own likeness seems too narcissistic, have a look at their celebrity line of insertables featuring the George Dubya Tush and the ParASS Hilton. My favorite is the Smell Gibson, because as a company spokesperson told me via email: "We have taken celebrities and political figures who are acting like butt plugs and made them into just that!" When asked if is worried about law suits from celebrities like Tom Cruise, who recently sued adult toy giant Holesome Fun because of their Mission Insertable plug, the company spokesperson replied, "Not yet, but we're hopeful."

Which celebrity would you most like to see on a butt plug?

Friday, November 24, 2006

Work It

I may have found a workout routine I can stick to — aerobic striptease and pole dance training. This new workout craze has soccer moms across the nation installing stripper poles in their suburban basements.
The most popular striptease program on the market is Sheila Kelly's "S Factor." I was disappointed to find out that Kelly was never an actual stripper. She's the wife of West Wing actor Richard Schiff, and she "found her passion" for stripping while researching a movie role. I suppose this explains why she landed appearances on Oprah and The View shortly after starting her company — I doubt either program would give much attention to an actual stripper with a startup company.
If you're interested in what a pole dancing class might look like, you can check out this YouTube video by the founder of Pole for the Soul, a Seattle-based striptease studio.

Don't have a stripper pole at your house? Don't worry — you can get one on eBay.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Heads Up

I love giving head. I suppose some people would prefer I use the term fellatio, but I personally prefer when the names of my sex acts don't sound like diseases.  I treat giving head like an Olympic event, like I'm a world-class athlete on a quest to bring home the gold. And why shouldn't I? Going down takes skill, strength, endurance and — if you're doing it right — agility. Furthermore, I am highly competitive; if it's not the best blow job of his life, I'm not satisfied.

All that said, imagine my surprise when I finally found an online guide to giving head that lived up to my Olympic expectations!'s online feature "How to Give a Blow Job" is specific without being sterile and humorous without being cutesy.

What do you think? Got any tips you're willing to share?

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Ride 'Em, Cowgirl

Dear Mistess Maeve,

I recently started seeing a guy semi-seriously and things are going great. I thought we were on the same page about sex, but he recently dropped a bomb on me: his biggest fantasy is to have a woman penetrate him with a strap-on. I’m no shrinking violet when it comes to sex, but this is a little out of my league! Neither of us have a lot of experience with anal sex, and I feel like the pressure is on me to make his fantasy come true. I’d like to give it a whirl, but I have no clue where to begin. Help?


Dear Rachel,

Before you go strapping it on, let’s talk about this. Firstly, it’s great that you have the kind of relationship where you can share such intimate desires with one another – it’s a sign of good things to come. However, just because he fantasizes about you bumping him from behind does not mean you have to oblige! Anal play is like sushi – most people either love it or hate it. If anal play is not on your menu, you do not have to grant him this fantasy. On the other hand, if you are open to trying a new delicacy, my advice is to start small – literally. Your beau may think he wants a dildo in his derriere, but if he is a virgin in that area, I suggest picking up some powder-free latex gloves, some lube and experimenting manually. If all goes well, graduate to a butt plug or small dildo. Then, if you’re both still enjoying yourselves, reach for the strap-on and ride off into the sunset.

Bottoms up,

Monday, November 20, 2006

Step It Up

B000gkaqjy16_sclzzzzzzz_ss384_v59171494__1I've never considered myself much of a foot or shoe fetishist. While I understand the allure of the human foot — soft, sensitive skin, appealing arch and tickly little toes — my gawky size 11s just never seemed to fit the bill. . . until this past weekend. While on a weekend getaway with one of my favorite playthings, I spotted a pair of fire engine-red patent leather 4" heels. These tarty shoes definitely piqued the interest of my partner, so I purchased the last pair in my size. Trust me, the shoes were worth every cent of the $30 I paid for them — he loved them, but more importantly, I felt incredibly sexy wearing my new footwear in bed.  In fact, I get turned on every time I open my closet and see them sitting there. If you're looking to spice things up in the bedroom, I highly suggest picking out some shoes that give you a thrill and slipping them on for your next romp between the sheets.

Which kind of shoes turn you on? Click on your favorite footwear from the list below and see how your taste ranks with other readers.

What type of shoe tickles your fancy most?
Cowgirl/cowboy boots
Ballet Slippers
Thigh-length, High-heeled Boots
Make Free Online Polls

Friday, November 17, 2006

Going Postal

Dear Mistress Maeve,

16575045I have a crush on my friendly neighborhood postman. We've actually only conversed once, but I think the attraction is mutual. However, I don't know how to express my interest unless I'm willing to wait by the mailbox for his arrival — which is a little too obvious for my taste. I thought I might send a little "love letter," but is it a federal offense to use your own mailbox to flirt with your carrier? I haven't sent love notes since junior high school, so I don't even know where to begin. Please help! Any advice would be invaluable.


Dear USPS Fan,

Oh, yes — wait a minute, Mr. Postman! Sounds like you're crushing hard on the man in blue, and this is the perfect time of year to make contact. People traditionally thank their mail carrier around the holidays by leaving a card and a tip or gift in the mailbox (I can only assume that this practice is not illegal since people have been doing it for ages). Next week is Thanksgiving, so why not "show your gratitude" with a little gift? If I were you, I'd choose movie tickets or a gift certificate for tickets to Higher Ground. In your note, you can suggest that if he needs a date, he can give you a call. Don't be shy, just channel your inner sex kitten and make it happen.

Best of luck, and remember to leave a comment with a report of your progress.


Thursday, November 16, 2006

Oh, Canada

I love staying in hotels — the anonymity is delicious and makes me feel like being naughty isn't just permissible, but a requirement. I have friends who have worked in metropolitan hotels for years, and oh, the stories of sex and debauchery they tell! Of course, it helps if the hotel is a 5-star lap of luxury with amazing cuisine, top shelf mini bar and a masseuse at your beck and call. Which brings me to my entry for today. . .

While doing a search for "sex toys" on Google (hey, it's amazing what you'll find when you perform random searches), I came across a New York Times item about Drake Hotels, a boutique hotel chain in Canada. The Drake has taken its customer service to an entirely new level by adding "pleasure kits" to its lush room service menu. According to press clippings on the Drake's website, you can order up massage oils, velvet restraints, how-to videos and vibrators (brand new, of course). Kits start at $35 and hotel staffers expedite delivery so you don't lose the mood.

My only question — how much does one tip for such a service?

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

'Tis the Season

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year, and we just moved in together. I'm looking forward to spending the holidays with him, except for one thing. When we visit his parents in Connecticut, as we will do for Thanksgiving, they do not allow us to sleep in the same bed. When I visit their home I feel like a child, or worse, some sort of whore who is trying to corrupt their son. I want to be respectful, but I think their archaic rule is ridiculous! The most frustrating part is that my boyfriend won’t stand up to his parents. I think he should tell his mother and father that we’re both 22-year-old adults who are capable of controlling ourselves while we’re under their roof, but he’s a chicken and refuses to address the subject with them. Before the holidays get here, could you please offer us some advice?


Dear Elizabeth,

’Tis the season. I just love the holidays — too much face time with family, beckoning our buried emotional issues to come screaming to the surface over turkey and pumpkin pie. Pour me another eggnog!

Listen, it’s silly for you not to be allowed to sleep in the same bed as your man, but the bottom line is: it’s their house. If your boyfriend’s parents say you’re not sleeping together under their roof, You don’t have much recourse. I suppose you could calmly and politely bring up the issue in conversation; maybe they would offer you some insight into their old-fashioned standards, at which point you could assure them that you’re an absolute angel who would never defile their son in his childhood bedroom. But, it would be more effective this Thanksgiving to charm the pants off his parents. It sounds like you’re serious about this guy, so wouldn’t it be better to keep in the family’s good graces?

If you’re still miffed about the situation, stay in a hotel. By securing your own accommodations, you are respecting his parents’ boundaries but also sending a message that you are adults who can make your own decisions.

Gobble, gobble,

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

With Great Sexual Power Comes Great Responsibility

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I had lunch with a dear friend last weekend, and she told me about the new guy she's been "dating." They've been seeing each other for about a month, but it's not serious. In fact, from what I can tell, it's pretty much a "booty call" situation. Being the good friend that I am, I asked her if they were using condoms. To my surprise, she informed me that they are not using protection. She said that she's on the pill, that she "feels comfortable with him," and that he told her he'd been "tested." I froze; I didn't know what to say. I am really worried about her, and I'm so mad at myself for not saying anything to her over lunch. What should I do?


Dear Lisa,

22711839You have every right to be worried; your friend is not being smart. I have an incredibly hard time believing that people still think they're immune to HIV — a virus that knows no race, class, age, sexual orientation or education level. Statistics say that an estimated one million people are living with HIV in the United States, and a staggering number of those infected do not know their status. We all need to be protected, especially if we're having casual sex.

Lisa, you need to have a chat with your friend. I know it's uncomfortable, but if she really is a "dear" friend, you're the best one to address this issue. Let her know that you want to talk to her about using protection because you love her and care about her future. She needs to know that one night of pleasure can lead to a lifetime of illness and regret. If HIV seems too abstract for her, remind her that herpes, gonorrhea, chlamydia and HPV are also knocking at her door.

Unfortunately, for some people, it takes a scare like pregnancy or the tangible threat of an STD to make them realize they need to protect their bodies. I hope this is not what it will take for your friend to wake up and take care of herself. If you need further ammunition for your talk, check out Vermont CARES — Vermont's largest AIDS and HIV service and prevention organization. They're always willing to answer questions and offer support.

Good luck,

p.s. You can get FREE condoms at both Vermont CARES and the RU12 Community Center. I believe both places also offer lube, dental dams and female condoms. Protecting yourself can be expensive, and the nice folks at these organizations want to protect you free of charge. If anyone knows of other free condom resources, please leave me a comment.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Do I Make You Horny, Baby?

1258fsTalk about grabbing the bull by the horns. A friend and I tried a new toy last night from Athena's Home Novelties. The Ruby Ring is a vibrator designed with two rings to be worn around the penis and scrotum and has a cutesy bull's head on top for clitoral stimulation during intercourse. I was a bit skeptical at first, but this horny little bull gave me the ride of my life. Although advertised as a product for him and her, my guess is that the Ruby Ring would also work quite well with strap-on or anal sex.

As you can probably surmise from the product shot, the penis goes through the inner ring, and the outer ring wraps back behind the scrotum. The vibrating bullet rests inside the bull's head and is removable (handy if you have other toys that require a bullet). The entire toy vibrates, creating quite a buzz for both partners. The inner ring is also quite snug which aids in a longer-lasting erection for him.

All in all, I loved the Ruby Ring, but allow me to save you some time: it's best with the receiving partner on top. We tried it every which way, but unless pressure is constantly applied on the toy, it wasn't very exciting. Also, beware of the vibrator speed. With a new trio of batteries, this little bull is buckin' bronco! I found that "low" or "medium" was comfortable — "super speed" was way too much for this cowgirl.


Thursday, November 09, 2006

Tidy Up

A friend just forwarded me this European IKEA commercial from their
"Tidy Up" series featuring a young boy playing with standard
children's toys, when mommy's "toy" accidentally finds its way into
the mix. The ad suggests that using IKEA's numerous organizing
furniture pieces will keep your "toys" away from your children's.

I feel bad for this little boy. As if buck-toothed school photos and
embarrassing childhood tales weren't enough — he'll be the former
child actor who played with a vibrator on television. And what are we
to do if this happens in real life? Have you ever had to
explain to Junior or Juniorette why Mommy's special penguin isn't a
plaything? If so, do tell.

In the meantime, enjoy:

More amusing "Tidy Up" ads:

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Power Trip

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My partner tends to be the more passive one in our relationship, which suits me just fine in day-to-day life, but I prefer to mix it up in the bedroom. I like taking charge most of the time, but every once in a while I'd like him to take the reigns. I know he wants to please me, but he says he feels self-conscious about being more aggressive because he's less experienced than I am. He just came out of the closet last year, whereas I have been out for decade — and have the little black book to prove it. I can't say I blame him for being nervous; I have a tendency to be critical and picky, and I think I scare him. I think he's terrified to take control because he thinks I'm going to judge him. How do I make him feel secure enough to take charge?


Dear Jackson,

The good news is you have a man who wants to please you. The bad news is you've created a situation in which he's scared to try. It sounds like you're communicating on some level about this issue, so I suggest you keep talking. If you take responsibility for being critical and picky, he's more likely to open up. Try telling him about some of your fantasies where he takes control and rocks your world. If he knows what you're thinking, he'll feel more confident in turning your naughty thoughts into hot realities. Here's an idea: let him blindfold you. Depriving you of one of your senses automatically makes you more vulnerable and enables him to have more control. Without your critical eye on him, you both might be surprised at what he'll allow himself to do. If all goes well, you could really put your money where your mouth is and let him to tie you up, too. If you really want him to be in control, you might consider relinquishing yours.


Monday, November 06, 2006

Slippery When Wet

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I recently started sleeping with a new guy, and there's just one problem — he gets wetter than I do. When he gets excited, his penis leaks. I know guys have pre-cum, but his is extreme. I don't really mind it, except when we're having intercourse, he gets too wet and the condom slips off. I'm on the pill, but this is relatively new relationship, and I want to keep it safe until we become monogamous. Is this
normal, and how do we keep the condom from slipping without losing the mood?


Strategicintrofc_fc_picDear Chelsea,

Kudos to you for wanting to keep sex safe until you're monogamous, and double kudos for turning your man on so much that he gets wet! Most men secrete pre-ejaculatory fluid, most commonly referred to as pre-cum. The amount of pre-cum varies from guy to guy. In all likelihood, your new beau is fine, but he should check in with his doctor just to be sure. As far as the condom slipping, have you tried a non-lubricated condom? Lubricated condoms have lube on both the outside and inside — add your boyfriend's pre-cum, and you've got a slippery situation. Slide on a non-lubricated condom, add a little lube to the outside for your enjoyment, and that should take care of the slippage.

If that doesn't work, you can also try the female condom, which slides into the vagina prior to intercourse. With the female condom, he can get as wet as he wants to, and it shouldn't effect protection. But be warned, my friends at Vermont Cares tell me that the female condom is only 85% effective for protecting against pregnancy, HIV and other STDs, whereas the condom is holding strong at 99%.

Wet kisses,

Friday, November 03, 2006

Get Off For A Good Cause

You can always count on me to get off for a good cause. Free 2 Be, the UVM GLBTQA organization, is putting on a sex toy raffle to raise funds for the 2007 Translating Identity Conference. The conference, being held on February 24, 2007, focuses on gender and gender identities. I've attended the conference in past years, and I enjoyed the wide array of activities and speakers — many of whom are national leaders in the transgender movement.

You can support the conference by purchasing a raffle ticket at the Free 2 Be office located at B163, Billings Student Center on the UVM campus during office hours. Tickets are only $2, and if you buy 5 tickets, you get a free goody bag. The toys are being donated by a number of vendors, including Good Stuff, Early to Bed and Life is Gay. You can also attend the event on Thursday, November 9 at 8pm in the Waterman Memorial Lounge on the UVM campus. They'll have games and DJ, but you do not have to be present to win. For more info, you can email Morgan Ray.

Have a delicious weekend. . .and play safe.


Thursday, November 02, 2006

Mid-week Crisis

Need a little pick-me-up to get you to the weekend? Why not go to iTunes and download a free, sexy podcast? While searching iTunes recently, I was astonished to find so many regular people sharing their sex secrets and erotic writing. The best part is, as long as you have headphones, you can indulge at work – or any number of inappropriate places.

Now, I wouldn’t want you to feel overwhelmed by the sheer volume of sexy podcasts, so here are some recommendations for beginners:

Trollop with a Laptop: hetero erotica, bdsm theme (nothing too heavy)

Nameless Erotica: lesbian erotica, very poetic

Gay Sexcapades: gay erotica, first-hand stories

Enjoy, and if you discover other podcasts you like, please share by leaving a comment!

*Reminder: Don't miss tonight's Girls Night Out — A Passion Party presented by Seven Days. You still have time to RSVP!

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Makeup Or Break Up

36183067Dear Mistress Maeve,

I recently started dating a girl I really like. She's the coolest girl I've met in a while, but there's one thing I can't stand. She wears too much makeup. She looks okay during the week (she works in a conservative office), but when we go out on the weekends, she piles on the makeup. She wears really bright colors on her eyes, and I can't stand to kiss her because of all the lip gloss. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I'm a little embarrassed to be seen with her. My friends have even given her the nickname "Tammy Faye." How do I tell her she's prettier without all the makeup?


Dear Josh,

I hate to point out the obvious, but how about saying something like, "You know, you look just as beautiful without makeup?" Most women wear makeup because the media tells us we have to in order to be attractive. If I had a partner telling me not to wear makeup because I look fantastic without it, I would gladly take that extra fifteen minutes each morning and enjoy another cup of coffee. If you keep painting on the compliments about her skin, eyes and lips sans makeup, perhaps she'll stop painting her face.

If that doesn't work, consider buying her a day of beauty at a salon or spa. Be sure the package includes a makeup application and lesson. Also be sure to book the appointment on a weekend so you can take her out on the town afterward. Of course, you'll want to give her lots of compliments to encourage her to keep her new look.

Lipstick kisses,

All Rights Reserved © SEVEN DAYS 1995-2010 | PO Box 1164, Burlington, VT 05402-1164 | 802.864.5684