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Monday, December 11, 2006

All I Really Need To Know I Learned By Watching Porn

I like watching porn in all its various forms, from heterosexual softcore movies to gay hardcore flicks. What can I say? I'm a voyeur. I will admit, however, that it's difficult to find a film without a cheesy plot, bad acting and completely unrealistic sex scenes. I came across this list via MySpace bulletin and thought it was amusing enough to share. I'm not sure who the original author is, but he or she deserves a prize.

The Top Twenty Things I Learned While Watching Porn

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman, 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving oral sex.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. Oral sex will always get a woman out of a speeding ticket.

10. People in the 70's couldn't orgasm unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.

11. Double penetration makes women smile.

12. Straight Asian men don't exist.

13. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

14. Nurses always give oral sex to their patients.

15. Men always pull out.

16. When your girlfriend catches you getting oral sex from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before deciding to have sex with both of you.

17. When standing during oral sex, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

18. A man ejaculating on a woman's behind is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.

19. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find his member there.

20. Women never have headaches or periods.

What have you learned from watching porn? Leave me a comment. . .

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