Ring It In Right

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My New Year's Resolution is to have more sex. I'm pretty much your average 30-something single white Vermont male. I'm no George Clooney, but I clean up pretty nicely. I've been laying low in 2006, getting over a break up, but I want 2007 to be my big comeback. I've never had a wild sex life, and I feel it's time to sow some oats. Mistress, I'm ready, willing and able; will you show me the way?

Sam

Dear Sam,

I like your enthusiasm. I wish more people were as willing as you are to take charge of their sex lives and strive for optimum satisfaction. Unfortunately, unless you resolve to pay professionals for your sexual pleasure, there is no way to guarantee more sex in 2007 — and for a multitude of reasons, I do not recommend paying for sex.

You need to get your edge back and find the confidence that inevitably waned during your year away from the social scene. You claim to clean up nicely, so do it — get a new haircut, buy some new clothes and find a new scent (but, please, go easy on the cologne). While you're at it, get your friends cleaned up, too. You'll need wingmen when you hit the town, and you don't want your friends' ragged appearances to weigh you down.

Try the new hotspots in town to meet potential mates casually, but if you're serious about adding more notches to your bedpost this year, you'll have to broaden your search. Attend an upcoming Seven Days singles event and sign up for online personals at www.sevendaysvt.com. I like online dating because you can be specific about what you're looking for, and in your case, this is of the utmost importance. You must be honest with potential sexual partners and let them know that you're only interested in casual dating and sex. I promise you — if you are dishonest about your intentions, your New Year's resolution will turn into a nightmare.

And while you're at it, add one more resolution to your list — safer sex in 2007. Don't ruin this fun and exciting year with one night of stupidity. Get a clean bill of health before you hit the dating scene and pledge to keep yourself and your new partners healthy in the New Year.

Midnight Kisses,
MM

Global O

Have you done your part for world peace? If not, here's your chance. Today is Global Orgasm Day, and people all around the world are getting off for peace. The founders of Global Orgasm Day wish to see if we can affect change by turning the peace and warmth of orgasm into conscious intent. They're asking all of us to have an orgasm today while focusing on world peace.

Now, don't get me wrong — I love the idea of powerful orgasmic energy changing the world, but I don't think images of peace (people holding hands, fuzzy bunnies, etc.) are going to get me off. Do you think it would be okay to focus on my favorite porn stars to get me over the hilt, then think about world peace as I ride the wave? 

You can find out more about orgasming for peace by visiting Global Orgasm online and watching their introductory video. Hey I've given myself and others earth-shattering orgasms before, so this should be a piece of cake. . .

Happy Holidays to all of you. Seven Days is now officially closed for the year, so my posts may be few and far between until January. Whether you've been naughty or nice, I wish you a joyous and orgasm-filled holiday season.

xoxo,
MM

The Perfect Gift

For those of you who didn't catch Saturday Night Live this week, take a look at this SNL Digital Short featuring Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake. Gentlemen, if you can't figure out what to get your significant other this holiday season, perhaps you should consider. . .

*If you're watching this at work, wear headphones and keep your laughter to a dull roar.

Tight Squeeze

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I have met a wonderful, kind, beautiful, sexy lady. She is an enthusiastic lover who both initiates and accepts overtures for intimacy. She cares for me, loves touching me, and enjoys giving and receiving oral sex. The sex is enjoyable; however, even when we make love for a long time, I do not reach orgasm. Traditionally, I take a long time to come, but with her, I’m just not climaxing at all. I wouldn’t say she’s “loose,” but her vagina does not grip me as tightly as others have in the past. I’ve tried to bring up the subject casually, only to find out that she thinks she’s tight. I’ve heard Kegel exercises tighten vaginal muscles. Is this true? If so, how can I convince her to perform these exercises?

Sincerely,
In Love, But Also In Need

Dear ILBAIN,

Perhaps the problem has nothing to do with her vagina. Perhaps you’re hung like a field mouse in a winter storm? The reality is, I don’t care if you’re hung like John Holmes — suggesting to a woman that she perform vagina aerobics to suit your fancy is out of the question. You need to think about your lady’s self-esteem. Suggesting that her vagina is not up to par could cause some serious emotional damage and ruin your budding love affair.

You’re right, however — women can perform Kegel exercises to tighten the PC muscles along the pelvis floor. The exercises are easy: Just squeeze, hold and release the same muscles used to stop urination. I have a friend who performs 100 repetitions while driving to and from work each day. These exercises are most commonly used to prevent incontinence after childbirth, but studies have shown that they can also tone the vagina, increasing sexual pleasure for men and women. If you’re going to suggest to your lady that she perform Kegel exercises, don’t tell her it’s because she feels “loose.” Tell her that you heard performing Kegel exercises may increase her pleasure during intercourse and give her a more powerful orgasm. Encourage her to practice while you’re inside her — you’ll be able to tell her if she’s working the correct muscles, and you’ll enjoy the tighter grip.

Also, be sure to try different sexual positions, as some can cause the vagina to feel lax. Try making love in the spoon position, with you entering her from behind, or slide her legs together during missionary.

Above all else, don’t be a jerk. She sounds like a keeper, and if you’d like to develop this relationship, don’t pin the problem on her. Be creative and tactful until you find a lovemaking routine that works for both of you. If all else fails, your hand will always be as tight as you want it to be.

Squeeze and Release,
MM

p.s. If you're baffled by Kegel exercises, here's a helpful video where a vulva puppet demonstrates how to do the "up and in" method.

Is That A Candy Cane In Your Pocket, Or. . .

She could feel the coarse hairs of his five-o'clock shadow pricking her skin through the decadent silk of her negligee, as he slid his way down from her erect nipple to her throbbing sex.

The above sentence is part of my "erotic writing" homework assignment from Suite101.com, an online magazine where "freelance writers speak their minds" on just about every topic — from the best Tom Waits albums to how to write erotic fiction.

I set out to learn more about writing erotica when a particularly randy friend and I decided not to buy each other gifts this holiday season and exchange homemade dirty stories instead — should make for an exciting sleigh ride, if you know what I mean.

Anyone can take the erotic writing seminar on Suite101.com, and the best part is — it's free! The seminar takes you through four lessons that include exercises on choosing erotic words, developing characters and actually getting your work published. When appropriate, the lessons break down into straight, gay and lesbian exercises, making the seminar accessible to all budding authors.

If you're looking for a unique and deeply personal holiday gift this year, put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard and get writing. It just might put a little more happy into your holidays. . .

What's in a Name?

It's time for a little Friday fun. . .

We all know that porn movies can be cheesy and unrealistic (see evidence in Monday's post). However, I think there's something to be said for adult moviemakers who embrace the cheesiness and take it to a whole new level — namely, moviemakers who title their films after mainstream box office giants.

I came across the Aquasmaxx website, where you'll find a complete A-Z list of amusing rip-off porn titles — great procrastination material for this Friday workday.

Here are my top ten favorites:

1. Frisky Business (Risky Business)
2. Whore of the Rings (Lord of the Rings)
3. Pulp Friction (Pulp Fiction)
4. Snatch Adams (Patch Adams)
5. Raiders of the Lost Arse (Raiders of the Lost Ark)
6. Dude, Where's My Dildo? (Dude, Where's My Car?)
7. Bitanic (Titanic)
8. Bat Dude and Throbin (Batman and Robin)
9. The Poonies (The Goonies)
10. Edward Penishands (Edward Scissorhands)

Enjoy — and have a fun and safe weekend.

Kisses,
MM

Three's Company?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I have three girls who are interested in me, and I in them. This has never happened to me before! I can see how most stereotypical men would wonder how this constitutes a problem for me, but I am looking for a long, lasting relationship.

These three women are wonderful beyond my wildest dreams. I am not a player and do not wish to hurt them. I feel arrogant and greedy, but I can’t choose yet. Should I tell them about one another? I fear that honesty might drive them all away. How can I choose one woman over another? I beg your assistance, Mistress.

Sincerely,
Wandering Maverick

Dear WM,

From where I stand, you don’t have a problem; you have an opportunity to find love. As long as you keep your integrity intact, you can handle this situation with minimal damage to all parties involved. First and foremost, do not tell these three women about one another specifically. Instead, tell each one that while you truly enjoy her company, you are not yet ready to make a commitment. You will have to accept the possibility that they might see other people, too — hey, fair is fair. You are not obligated to share your dating schedule with these women, but you should be honest about seeing other people, especially if you’re sexually active with more than one of these lovely ladies (and, please, use protection).

Time will reveal who your real match is, but it’s not nice to string these women along for too long — nor is it good for your Karma. Have you considered taking a weekend away from all three women? Spending some time reconnecting with yourself, without dating pressures, might be just what you need to gain clarity. You may end up missing one woman more than the others or thinking about one more consistently. Also, if you haven’t done so already, introduce these women to your friends and ask their opinions. Just remember — this is not a Ms. America pageant, and these three women deserve to be treated with the respect and reverence you put forth in your letter.

If love is a gamble, I like your odds. You are in the enviable position of having three potential mates betting on your affection, and you’re holding all the cards. If you play your hand right, you might win with a pair of hearts instead of a full house.

Ante up,
MM

All I Really Need To Know I Learned By Watching Porn

I like watching porn in all its various forms, from heterosexual softcore movies to gay hardcore flicks. What can I say? I'm a voyeur. I will admit, however, that it's difficult to find a film without a cheesy plot, bad acting and completely unrealistic sex scenes. I came across this list via MySpace bulletin and thought it was amusing enough to share. I'm not sure who the original author is, but he or she deserves a prize.

The Top Twenty Things I Learned While Watching Porn

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman, 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving oral sex.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. Oral sex will always get a woman out of a speeding ticket.

10. People in the 70's couldn't orgasm unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.

11. Double penetration makes women smile.

12. Straight Asian men don't exist.

13. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

14. Nurses always give oral sex to their patients.

15. Men always pull out.

16. When your girlfriend catches you getting oral sex from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before deciding to have sex with both of you.

17. When standing during oral sex, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

18. A man ejaculating on a woman's behind is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.

19. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find his member there.

20. Women never have headaches or periods.

What have you learned from watching porn? Leave me a comment. . .

Vegans Do It, Too

I learned something new today: Most condoms are not vegan-friendly.
As a woman who will put just about anything in her mouth, I had never
considered whether my condoms and dental dams contained animal
products. According to Babeland.com, many latex products are made
with casein, a granular protein found in milk (casein can also be
found in many paints, cosmetics and adhesives). Some companies have
figured out that vegans like to have sex, too, and offer latex
products made with cocoa powder. You can find vegan-friendly products
online, or get Kimono brand condoms locally at City Market.

Web of Addiction

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I don’t know how to handle my man’s addiction to Internet porn. While I’m normally pretty open-minded about anything in our sex life, I hate feeling second best to plastic-surgery-enhanced bimbos. The biggest part of the problem is that he feels as if he can’t stop searching the web for porn. He will blank out for hours, flipping from one dirty screen to the next. His porn surfing has made him spacey, distant and depressed, and he has rung up thousands of dollars worth of bills. Is Internet addiction a real disease? How can it be treated? Help!

Not a Porn Star But Still Hot

Dear NAPSBSH,

Internet pornography addiction is real, and if your guy “blanks out for hours” while surfing for sex on the Internet, I’m afraid he’s got a problem. Internet porn addiction is just like other non-substance, impulse-based addictions such as shopping, gambling or overeating. A Google search for Internet porn addiction turns up countless personal stories from men whose addictions kept them up until the wee hours of the morning, making it difficult for them to function at work or be emotionally or physically available to their partners.

While it’s lovely that you care about your man and want to help him, it’s also important to look out for yourself. Before he messes up his life — or yours — any further, an intervention is in order. Let him know that because you love him so much, you want him to address his addiction with the help of a therapist or counselor. He may balk at your suggestion or try to downplay the magnitude of his addiction, so be prepared with real consequences if he doesn’t seek help immediately. He needs to understand that his compulsive behavior has real life ramifications, including the possibility of losing the woman he loves. If you’re nervous about doing this alone, enlist the help of a close friend or family member — someone he trusts.

Being in a relationship with an addict is heartbreaking. Whether he or she is addicted to heroin or Ho-Hos, the affects on a relationship can be devastating. Do yourself and your man a favor — address the problem now, before it gets worse for both of you.

xoxo,
MM

About Last Night

There's only one thing I like more than contraception — free contraception.

This Wednesday, December 6, Planned Parenthood will be doling out free emergency contraception (EC) in an effort to educate the public about "the morning after pill."

In August, the FDA approved over-the-counter access to EC for women 18 and older (younger women can get EC through Planned Parenthood). According to Planned Parenthood, EC lowers the risk of pregnancy when started within 5 days of unprotected intercourse. Planned Parenthood recommends women and couples keep EC on hand as a backup birth control method in case the condom breaks or if two or more birth control pills are missed in a cycle. REMEMBER: EC does not prevent HIV or other STDs.

You can get your free EC at any participating Planned Parenthood office across the country on Wednesday, including locations at 23 Mansfield Avenue in Burlington and 183 Talcott Road in Williston. For more information, visit Planned Parenthood of Northern New England.

If you like to be more proactive in your approach to birth control and safer sex, you can always get free condoms, lube, dental dams, etc at Vermont CARES and the RU12 Community Center.

Hair Down There

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My boyfriend likes me to shave my pubic area — he says it turns him on and makes it easier to navigate when he's giving me oral sex. I don't mind shaving for him, but I wish he would do the same for me! I've gotten him to trim his area before, but he says, "Guys don't shave their balls." I think he's just nervous to take a razor to his crotch. Can you please give your opinion on this and possibly some pointers?

Thanks,
Nicole

Dear Nicole,

Fair is fair, and if you're going to enhance his sexual pleasure by taking a sharp object to your nether region, he should do the same for you. I know plenty of men who shave their scrotums and live to tell the tale. As long as he's careful and takes his time, shaving should be a pain-free experience.

First, he should trim the excess hair using scissors or clippers — this will make the shaving portion infinitely easier. Then, he should sit in a warm bath to loosen the skin of the scrotum and soften the hair (a shower will achieve the same outcome, but if it's his first time, he might like to relax in the tub). Be sure that he uses quality shaving gel or cream, not just soap! After he's lathered, he should pull the skin of his scrotum taut, giving him a flat shaving area. Using a sharp razor (a dull blade is not a good choice here), make slow, deliberate strokes until all the hair is removed. If he's shaving the whole kit and caboodle, he should shave with the grain, unless he wants screaming razor burn. Remember to moisturize after shaving with a mild cream — facial moisturizer is a safe bet.

Good luck and happy shaving,
MM