Under Control

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My boyfriend is a chronic masturbator. I wouldn’t mind so much if he would also pay sexual attention to me more than two to three times per month. I have been trying to figure it out for nine years, and it’s making me crazy. I have a head full of assumptions, and I feel that it’s his way of controlling me. Otherwise, everything else in our relationship is OK. I do talk to him about this problem, but he doesn’t change and refuses to go to therapy. Please help.

Lost in Love

Dear Lost in Love,

Your boyfriend’s masturbation habits are not the problem here. If he were self-pleasuring 10 times a day, but still meeting your sexual needs, you probably wouldn’t care how many times he spanked his monkey. The problem is — he doesn’t seem to care about your needs. What’s worse is that you suspect him of withholding sex as a means of control in your relationship, and that’s a red flag.

Whether consciously or subconsciously, a partner will sometimes withhold sex in a passive-aggressive attempt to regain power when he or she feels inferior. Does your boyfriend feel challenged by you financially, professionally, at home or otherwise? If so, this may be the root of the problem. In some extreme instances, a man’s inferiority complex can manifest as erectile dysfunction.

Of course, this is all speculation. Because your man refuses to work on this problem or go to therapy, there’s no way to tell what’s really going on in your relationship. You can’t wave a magic wand and get him to change, so you’re the one who has to change. Look inside yourself — what are you willing to live with? You’ve invested nine years in this relationship. How long are you willing to wait to get a return on your investment? It’s time to draw a line in the sand and see if he’ll cross it to be with you. If he’s not willing to do the work to save your relationship, he’s not worth any more of your time.

And one more piece of advice: Just because he’s not willing to go to therapy doesn’t mean you shouldn’t seek help for yourself. Whether you stay in this relationship or not, you deserve to have your feelings heard and validated — even if you have to pay someone to do it.

Not withholding,
MM

Agree? Disagree? Leave a comment and let your opinion be known. Comments can be left anonymously, so don't be shy. . .

Get Real

While attending a party over the weekend, a frustrated friend asked me where to find "authentic" lesbian porn. She explained that she keeps herself satisfied with erotica and female masturbation videos but that she's been unable to find "real" lesbian hardcore films.
 
She's got a right to be frustrated. If you believe what you see in mainstream lesbian porn, all lesbians look like Pamela Anderson, never break a sweat while getting it on and have 3-inch-long fingernails (yet somehow manage never to severely injure their partners). Mainstream lesbian porn is made with one consumer in mind — the straight male. As such, the women in these films are almost never portrayed as actual lesbians — they're bi-curious or sleeping with women to please their men.
 
As lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender issues become more recognized in mainstream media, it stands to reason that the porn industry will have to follow suit — and it's already happening. I recommended to my friend that she check out Pink and White Productions out of San Francisco, a leading company in the world of queer porn. With two titles already available, The Crash Pad and Superfreak (in which the ghost of Rick James transforms party-goers into "superfreaks"), Pink and White has earned numerous industry awards and plans to release a new movie this March called In Search of the Wild Kingdom.
 
My recommendation comes with a friendly warning — this is real lesbian hardcore. Pink and White founder Shine Louise Houston doesn't shy away from group scenes, rough sex, fisting or gender play. And Houston knows lesbian sex — she used to work for Toys in Babeland and has used many of her Lusty Lady friends in her films.

I Can Get Behind That

Through the magic that is MySpace, I found out that Vermont hottie Jason Whipple is gracing the current cover of BUTT magazine. BUTT, a quarterly publication by and about gay men, is published in the Netherlands and distributed worldwide.

I'm still looking for a newsstand in Vermont that carries BUTT, and I'll let you know when and if I find one. In the meantime, I highly recommend checking out BUTT online — where readers from around the globe submit pictures of their butts and/or heads to become BUTTHEADS.

If you can't live without your very own copy of BUTT with Mr. Whipple on the cover, you can head south to Northampton, Massachusetts this Saturday and pick one up at Pride and Joy. Whipple will be on hand from 12-2pm to sign your BUTT.

Facettes de la Petite Mort

Pulling in billions of dollars annually, the online porn industry is booming. You can surf the Internet and find whatever kind of porn you like — from girl-on-girl to golden showers. But what if you prefer something more subtle and erotic? It can be overwhelming and discouraging to sift through all the hardcore sites to find something more soft and intimate.

BeautifulAgony.com is a different breed of adult site — and my new obsession. Noticing a severe lack of true erotica on the Web, Richard Lawrence and Lauren Olney created Beautiful Agony in 2003 with the help of a few willing friends. The site features hundreds of homemade videos of men and women masturbating, but you can only see them from the shoulders up — as the site creators say, "That's where people are truly naked."

Personally, I find the facial expressions, heavy breathing and orgasmic straining of the participants truly erotic. Many of the subjects will look directly into the camera positioned overhead as they work themselves into orgasm, giving viewers a sense of raw intimacy generally only found behind closed doors. The participants cross many races and orientations — and many of them also provide more candid, fully-clothed interviews, further adding to the intimacy of the site. My only gripe — the site doesn't feature a diverse range of ages. Perhaps middle-aged and older folks are too smart to plaster their O-face on the Net?

If you're not a fan of standard Internet porn fare, or if you're looking for something new, watch the preview videos below. They're not too racy, but if you're at work, you may want to put headphones on.

play windows media play quicktime beautifulagony.com

play windows media play quicktime beautifulagony.com

play windows media play quicktime beautifulagony.com

Opening Act

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I have recently begun having an affair with a married woman. She has had other affairs with women, which her husband knows about. She wants to be open with him about our relationship so that she doesn’t have to “juggle” in secret. We have talked about their relationship, and it is solid. They have great communication, and more importantly, they are in love.

I have never been in a polyamorous relationship, and the thought of not having to hide is very intriguing. There are emotions involved with her and me; it’s not just about the sex. What kind of support and resources are out there to educate myself in regards to situations such as this?

Best Regards.
Pollyanna

Dear Pollyanna,

I'm hearing a lot about what your lover wants, but not a whole lot about how you feel. I’m sure the idea of not hiding your relationship makes you feel relieved and more validated as a lover, but what about the idea of sharing the woman you care about with another person? You’ve hit the nail on the head: If the husband is made aware of your relationship and accepts it, you’ll be moving from an affair to a vee-style polyamorous relationship — meaning that the three of you will enter into a relationship of sorts, even though you many not be involved with the husband sexually.

Polyamory has been around since the dawn of time, and it just works better for people who feel too constrained by monogamy. That said, polyamory is not for the faint of heart. Being emotionally and sexually invested in more than one person at a time takes a great deal of care and integrity — something your girlfriend has not shown she has thus far by sneaking around behind her husband's back with you. You say that their relationship has great communication, but how can that be so if she’s hiding an affair?

If the idea of polyamory is appealing to you as a life choice, you should pursue it. And I highly suggest picking up The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities. Authors Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt outline polyamory best practices in this must-have guide for first-time poly participants.

On the other hand, if you’re only entertaining this idea because you’re smitten with this woman and you’re ignoring your own wishes, you need to wake up and do some soul searching. Are you willing to accept that your lover will need to split her time and affection equally between you and her husband? How will you feel in your bed alone when you know she’s with him? Sometimes what we have to give up in order to get what we want is more precious than the prize.

xoxo
MM

Large and In Charge

Hi Mistress Maeve,

I'm a plus size woman with two issues. Firstly, I'm happily married, and while the sex is fun, I'm tired of only doing it in the same two or three positions because of my size. Any tips?

Secondly, any suggestions on where to find good costumes for the bedroom in plus sizes?

Thanks,
Angel in LA

Dear Angel in LA,

Having great sex when you're plus-sized takes a little more effort and thought, but in the end, it's all the same — be present in your body and know what works for you. Getting adventurous may take a little more trial and error, but it's fun nonetheless.

Doggy-style is the best position for a plus-sized woman— your tummy doesn't get in the way, and your partner can easily spread your thighs and buttocks to get to the goods. Missionary can also work, but prop your fanny up on a few pillows so that gravity tilts your belly more toward your chest (or try The Liberator). To spice things up a bit, try the standing reverse cowgirl. Have your partner sit on the edge of the bed or couch and lie back with his feet on the floor. Stand in between his legs with your back to him and have a seat! You control all the movement, and it's a great thigh workout. If your bed or couch is too tall for your comfort, you can always do it in high heels. . .

Which brings me to your next question. The Internet is a beautiful thing, and you can find just about anything in plus sizes if you know where to look. For basic lingerie, try Torrid or Lane Bryant. If you're thinking naughty nurse or schoolgirl, try Hips and Curves. If you don't mind spending the bucks, check out Diesel Femme Wear. This company specializes in custom-made sexy clothing for plus-sized ladies.

Above all else, remember that you're as sexy as you allow yourself to be. Go get 'em, girl.

With Chub Love,
MM

Who's the Boss Now?

Remember cute little Jonathan Bower from the1980's hit sitcom Who's the Boss? Well, actor Danny Pintauro is all grown up now, and there are photos to prove it.

The good folks at Fleshbot reported last week that some x-rated photos of Pintauro had been spotted on ManHunt.net, one of the Internet's leading hook-up sites for men. It's no surprise that Pintauro is gay — he came out in the National Inquirer in 1997. But it is shocking that someone in the public eye (even a washed up former child actor) would post such graphic photos of himself on a free cruising site. In my opinion, it's clear that the photos are of Pintauro. Whether he posted the listing himself or not, that's up for debate. Perhaps Tony Danza did it?

Fleshbot story and R-rated pictures here.

X-rated photos from Flesh Seeker here. Warning — it would be ill advised to open this link at work or in front of child actors.

Live Nude Girls (and Boys)

Along with the new iPhone, Steve Jobs also unveiled Apple TV during his keynote speech at last week's Macworld Expo. And I'm happy to report that the porn industry is ready and willing to take advantage of the pending nuptials between computers and televisions.

The New York Times reported yesterday that Gregory Clayman of Video Secrets, a leading company in the live video chat business, predicted the porn industry would soon be able to offer live sex shows on demand via hotel entertainment systems. So, instead of paying beaucoup bucks to watch softcore porn, hotel guests would be able to pay to see professionals getting it on in real time. Read the entire New York Times article here.

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Kiss and Tell?

Dear Mistress,

I have a friend who is good friends with her ex-boyfriend — let’s call him “Jack.” I hang out with my friend and Jack from time to time, and we get along well. Luckily for me, when Jack and I get a little drunk, we tend to have make-out sessions. My friend has not shared with me whether or not she is bothered by the kissing, nor have I asked her. Kissing is as far as it has gone, but I kind of like him. Since he and I have done this multiple times, I am wondering if he likes me, but I don’t have the guts to ask.

Is it appropriate to have drunken make-out sessions with your friend’s ex? We’re adults, and we’re having a good time. I sense my friend is protective of Jack, so I haven’t asked him for more than kissing —I think it would be uncomfortable talking with her about it. I would rather remain friends with her than start something with him and ruin our friendship permanently. Do I just suck it up and tell her that I like him? Tell him? Help!

Miss Kissdon’tell

Dear Miss Kissdon’tell,

You’re all over the map. In one breath you say that you like “Jack,” yet in the next you’re ready to ditch him in order to preserve a friendship you’ve already put in jeopardy. In most instances kissing is relatively harmless, but in your case, you’re risking a friendship for some drunken thrills. It’s time for you to decide what you really want, and then take action. If you really like this guy, sit down with your friend and tell her about your feelings. You don’t have to ask her permission to date him, but talking with her first might prevent tension down the road. Hopefully your candor will soften her protectiveness, and she’ll give you her blessing. If she protests, you’ll have some serious thinking to do about what’s more important to you.

On the other hand, if you’re not head over heels for this guy, stop kissing him. Why risk a friendship for someone who doesn’t really interest you? And while you’re at it, ask yourself why you’re inviting so much drama into your life. Take it from me: Drunken kissing trysts are much more fun when drama is not involved.

Martini Kisses,
MM

Hard to Swallow

Dear Mistress Maeve,

We've heard that certain foods can make semen taste better, making it easier to swallow. Is this true?

-The Terrible Twosome

Dear TTT,

From personal experience, I've learned that consuming lots of strong-tasting foods, like garlic or asparagus, can alter the taste and smell of bodily fluids. So, it stands to reason that other, more
appetizing foods could change the taste of semen, making it more palatable for those who usually abstain from swallowing.

While there's no scientific data regarding food consumption and semen taste, many people believe that citrus fruits, especially pineapple, can make semen taste sweeter. The folks at Don't Spit, Swallow have actually formulated the Super Spunk Smoothie — a recipe they say is full of semen-enhancing ingredients. Give it a try. If nothing else, you'll have fun experimenting.

Sweetly,
MM

Super Spunk Smoothie

1 cup pineapple, fresh or canned
1 banana, frozen
1 cup apple juice
1/2 tsp ginger
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
2 TBS honey
Optional ingredients: 1 raw egg white, 2 TBS wheat germ, 2 TBS flax
seed, 1 shot wheatgrass juice

Blend all ingredients in a blender until smooth. Drink immediately.
Repeat daily for best results.

Widow of Warcraft

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My live-in boyfriend just discovered the online game World of Warcraft, and he plays it all the time. He stays up half the night playing this game, and consequently, we haven't had sex in two weeks (very unusual for us). We've had a couple arguments about it, and I'm not sure what to do. Thoughts?

-Alexa

Dear Alexa,

You're not alone. I can't count the number of times I've been asked this question by girlfriends left in bedroom oblivion because of World of Warcraft and other massively multiplayer online role-playing games (MMORPGs). This problem is so widespread that women (and men) can now find support at GamerWidow.com — a site where gamer widows share their frustrations with fellow gamer widows via message boards and chat.

You need to sit down with your boyfriend and set up some ground rules that work for both of you. Tell him that you're glad he's found something he enjoys, but also let him know that you're feeling neglected. Together, come up with a schedule that designates some nights for online gaming and some nights for just the two of you. The goal should not be to stop him from playing World of Warcraft — trust me, being supportive of his online gaming interest will serve you better in this scenario.

Just a thought — have you ever played World of Warcraft? I can't think of anything sexier to a gamer nerd than another gamer nerd. Perhaps you should give it a try — you might end up playing a different kind of role-playing game, if you know what I mean. . .

TTYL,
MM

What About B.O.B?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I work with a group of women who like to chat and joke about their dating and sex lives. Usually I can keep up, but lately they've been joking about "Bob" — having dates with Bob, getting a new Bob, etc. I don't know who "Bob" is, but they all seem to love him. Can you clue me in so I don't feel so left out?

Thanks,
Leslie

Dear Leslie,

It's not Bob — it's B.O.B, and it stands for Battery Operated Boyfriend (or Babe, depending on who's using it).

I admire your curiosity, but I have to ask: Why are they discussing vibrators at work? Generally offices have rules about this kind of talk precisely for the reason you wrote me a letter — it makes people uncomfortable (just ask my coworkers). I wholeheartedly believe in learning and talking about sex, but the workplace isn't always the best place to do so.

That said, if you're still determined to fit in with your kinky cubicle mates, why not throw an in-home sex toy party at your home and invite them? These days, instead of hosting a Tupperware or cosmetics party at your home, you and your friends can sit around the living room and shop for personal pleasure. You'll be killing two birds with one stone — you'll get into the inner circle at work and become close, personal friends with B.O.B.

Buzz, buzz,
MM

Kick Start

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I’m pretty much a normal guy, but I have a slightly different fetish that seems to cause issues when it comes to relationships. To put it bluntly, I enjoy being kicked in the balls. It’s not the most common fetish, but it is one that has been around for a while. There are many men who also have this fetish, although it seems more common in Asian countries. This has become more than just a fetish for me — it’s a necessity. In order to maintain a sexual relationship, I need a partner who is into this fetish and willing to participate on nearly a daily basis. I’ve dated a few women who have done this for me, but I can tell they did not enjoy it. I’m not into any other SM activities, just this one. Are there women out there who enjoy this who don’t do it for a living? I know men who are into it and keep it in the closet, but are there women doing the same thing? How would I find them?

D Cal

Dear D Cal,

Many men, of all races and orientations, share your fantasy of getting kicked in the family jewels. In fact, most men who share your fetish become fully aroused when their partners kick, grab, punch or squeeze their testicles — some men can even ejaculate from this intense pain without penis stimulation. In fetish circles, men who participate in this activity are known as ballbusters. Your fetish falls under the BDSM umbrella — that’s bondage, discipline, domination/submission and sadism/masochism. While you claim not to participate in other BDSM activities, most ballbusters I know also enjoy other fetish play where they are submissive and subjected to other forms of pain.

To find a partner, look within the BDSM community first. The only way you’re going to feel satisfied is with someone who is equally aroused by this activity. Try online personals specifically geared to alternative lifestyles, such as Seven Days’ Hot to Trot or Alt.com. Users on these sites can specify exactly what activities they’re interested in, so you might just meet your high-kicking queen. I’m sure she’s out there . . .

Oh, and one cautionary note: while most kicks to the groin will produce only minor swelling and some bruising, prolonged abuse to this area could cause more serious damage. Do yourself a favor — don’t bust a nut while you’re “busting a nut.”

Bags of love,
MM

Behind the Times

If you want to be hip in 2007, you better have an iPod, skinny-legged
jeans and, apparently, a penchant for the posterior. According to a
recent article in New York Magazine, anal sex is all the rage with
heterosexuals these days. The article sites statistics from a recent
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention survey that claims that doing it in the derriere has become immensely more popular than it was a decade ago, especially among heterosexual couples looking to spice things up. Read the full New York Magazine article here.

Curiously, the CDC's survey only accounts for men penetrating women
and does not seek to discover how many women are anally penetrating
their men with fingers, dildos or other objects. For many women,
penetrating a man is a very meaningful experience — it can be an
empowering, feminist experience, and it can also introduce a new
layer of intimacy to a relationship.

Of course, I still encounter men who have strict "exit only" policies
when it comes to their behinds. Whether brought on by a lifetime of
heterosexist conditioning or a genuine fear of giving into that level
of vulnerability, I think it's a shame that so many men forgo this
kind of pleasure.

Since the CDC didn't think it worth asking, I'll ask you — how many
of you straight folks would/do engage in female-on-male anal penetration? Care to elaborate? Leave me a comment.

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Public Sex

I'm generally not one for party games, but I attended a small dinner party recently where the host put together a game that even I could enjoy. After dinner, as we were all lazily sitting around the table enjoying what was left of the wine, the host placed a bowl in the center of the table, then passed around little slips of paper and pens. We were to write down the most scandalous place we had ever "fooled around." The definition of "fooled around" was debated for a while, but we finally agreed that we could only identify places where we had gone to at least third base — more than making out and groping.

After everyone had written a spot on his/her piece of paper and placed it in the bowl, the bowl was passed around and each dinner guest had to pull out a slip and identify who had fooled around in a church, a department store, in a movie theater during the latest Rocky film, etc. All in all, I was sublimely entertained. . . and mildly turned on.

How about you? Where have you gotten past second base? If you don't see your favorite spots in the poll below, leave me a comment.

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Sexercise

I hope everyone is feeling relaxed and satiated after the holidays. One thing is for certain — it's New Year's Resolution time. I can't turn on the television or walk past a magazine rack without seeing a dozen ads for weight loss plans and exercise regimens. I read somewhere that only 8% of Americans who make resolutions will actually keep them, thus proving that most of our population is masochistic — why do we set ourselves up for such failure?

This year, instead of setting unrealistic health resolutions, I will commit to a diet I know I can stick to: The Ultimate Sex Diet by Kerry McClosky. From what I can tell from her website, McClosky's got the right idea. With chapters like Stress Relief: Undress to Decompress and Fighting Cravings: Don't Crave Sweets, Crave Your Sweetie, how can I fail?

McClosky claims that getting frisky with your mate has a number of health benefits and burns an average of 150 to 250 calories an hour, which is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute brisk walk. I don't know about you, but I'd prefer to get my exercise between the sheets, rather than outside in January or at a crowded gym.

Will The Ultimate Sex Diet really help me lose weight? Probably not, but with all the "sexercising" I'll be doing, who cares?