Thrice as Nice?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

In general, I'm what you might call a “good girl.” But lately, I’ve been intensely attracted to a couple I met through friends. He’s handsome and good-natured with a hot body, and she’s incredibly sexy and sensual with a knack for turning me on. When we hang out, we all flirt and have a good time, but I can’t tell if they want to take it to the next level and actually have a threesome. They seem to have a great relationship, and I certainly don’t want to cause any trouble — but I’m so hot for them! If they are interested, how do I proceed?

Love,
Third Wheel

Dear TW,

In a threesome relationship, you are in the easiest position as the “third wheel.” No matter what happens between the three of you, you don’t stand to lose very much if your three-way fantasy becomes a three-alarm emergency. You can be footloose and fancy free while the couple in this scenario may have to examine deeper issues that inviting a third to join them in the bedroom brings to the surface.

That said, if you are determined to pursue this triangle of attraction, you must follow some simple rules of three-way engagement for the single partner:

1. Set ground rules. Do not just jump into bed with this couple. Go out for drinks or dinner and discuss the possibilities. Find out what their expectations are and see if you’re all on the same page sexually. For example, one partner might be more into watching while the other has a certain fantasy he or she wants fulfilled. And be sure to discuss safe sex — just because they're in a committed relationship doesn’t mean you’re safe.

2. Respect their relationship. You are not looking for emotional connection here. If you feel yourself falling for one partner, or becoming emotionally dependent on the relationship in any way, end it immediately.

3. Keep everyone happy and involved. As the single sex goddess in this situation, do your best to ensure everyone is having a good time. Be sure to flirt, kiss and pet each partner equally. I have heard time and again about threesomes going awry because one partner felt left out. It’s ridiculous! With so many sexual positions and options, everyone should be able to be somewhat involved in every sexual act.

I’ve had many three-way trysts, some lasting for an evening and others much longer. While three-ways can be incredibly exciting, they are also potentially explosive and must be handled with care. Initially, be a quiet observer — watch them interact as a couple and imagine how you might “insert” yourself into their relationship. If things progress, enjoy yourself, but follow the rules and watch for signs of jealousy or discomfort — you’ll know when it’s time for your final triple kiss.

Kiss, kiss, kiss,
MM

Hey, That's Not a Microphone...

Another season of "American Idol" is well underway, showcasing the mediocre singing abilities of 20 or so young, sugary-sweet contestants. The show would be completely worthless if not for the inevitable outing of one wild contestant who, in pre-Idol life, posed nude for some jerk who then sold the photos to the highest bidder as soon as his model made it big on Idol.

This season's offering comes from New Jersey's own Antonella Barba (the most mediocre of the bunch). Before landing on Idol, she appears to have been a very busy girl. As the pictures show, Antonella pushes the envelope much further than Season Two's Frenchie Davis, who was disqualified for posing topless on the internet. Hey, Frenchie was just a BBW trying to make a buck. . .

Check out the goods at IDontLikeYouInThatWay.com. At least she has something to fall back on.

Give it to Me, Oscar

Get Free Opinion Polls

Get Free Opinion Polls

The 79th Annual Academy Awards took place last night in Hollywood. All the stars were out and looking their best, making it easy for me to play my favorite Oscar game — which star would you most like to get down and dirty with? This year, I want you to play along. I've picked the cream of the crop for you to choose from. If I've missed some of your favorites, leave me a comment.

xoxo
MM

Show Me Yours...

Have you ever had a sexual experience so mind blowing that you wanted to scream it from the rooftops — only to realize that your parents, coworkers and most of your friends would rather not know that much about you? Well, now is your chance to share your most scintillating secrets and trashiest trysts with the world. The Seven Days sex survey is here, and we want to hear from you. It's totally anonymous, so don't hold back — but hurry, you only have a week to give it to us good.

Click here to get your freak on.

Sex vs. Intimacy

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I like this guy, but he doesn’t seem to see the chemistry we have together. I met him at a party about a year ago, and it turned into a two-week sex fest. We’d get together nearly every other day and have really good sex. I’m much more experienced than he is, and he told me that I was the best he’d ever had. I was really starting to like him, but then he just stopped calling. A few weeks later, we chatted online and he told me he had met someone else. I was crushed but didn’t let him know he had hurt me.

A few months later, I ran into him, and he was single. So we started sleeping together again, and I thought he had finally come to his senses about how awesome I am. I was wrong. He stopped calling again, and before I knew it, he was dating another girl. He has told me that I am really different from the women he usually dates and that I’m far better in bed. So, what’s the deal? If he prefers being with me, why am I only his fuck buddy?

Help!
A.R.

Dear A.R.

I see a couple of issues at play here — one is about him and one is about you.

This guy wants to have unbridled sex with you — an experienced, sexy woman — but when it comes to choosing a mate, he wants a virgin. He could be harboring some serious guilt or simply be intimidated by your sexual prowess and your assertive demeanor. Either way, he clearly doesn’t appreciate what you have to offer.

As for your role in this, you have to learn the difference between sex and intimacy. If you want to have casual sex, go ahead (safely, of course), but don’t mistake the false intimacy of a quick romp in the sack for the genuine spark of love. Figure out what you want. Do you want hot sex with a stranger or with a guy you’ve cultivated a relationship with? Either path you choose is fine, but don’t look for love in casual sex; those paths don’t often cross.

As for the guy in question — kick him to the curb. You’ve wasted enough of your time, self-esteem and hot lovin’ on him. Move on.

In sisterhood,
MM

Insider Trading

Saying "I like porn" is like saying "I like food." We all like food — but, what kind? Do you have an appetite for fresh and juicy, hot and meaty or wholesome and satisfying? I enjoy watching all kinds of porn, not always for the specific content, but always for the rush I get from viewing something naughty — something my friends and coworkers might never suspect. That's my favorite part about porn — how kinky and subversive I feel when I pop in a DVD or point my web browser to an x-rated site.
 
I'm always curious about what people like, or don't like, about porn. So, imagine my delight when I came across this video via Fleshbot of porn industry workers finishing the sentence, "The thing I love about porn is. . ." The video was shot by Tramp Stamp Studios at the 5th Annual XBIZ Awards. While I don't particularly care what the plastic Barbie-type porn stars have to say, I do find all the behind-the-scenes industry people to be quite amusing. Enjoy!

My Funny Valentine

I came across this tasty tidbit via Defamer. 23-year-old Arizona woman Tiffany Sutton allegedly tied up her Valentine to reenact scenes from Interview with the Vampire — without his consent. The 45-year-old victim told authorities that he allowed Sutton to tie him up but was surprised when she sliced his leg and proceeded to drink his blood. Sutton allegedly made more cuts to the victim's upper body before he freed himself and escaped. The victim did not sustain any major injuries, and Sutton is currently in custody. Read more here.

And you thought you had a crummy Valentine's Day battling the blizzard of 2007. . .

Got VD?

Happy Valentine's Day, all my sexy little starlets. I wish you a delicious day full of love and lust. If you're at a loss for what to do this Valentine's Day, check out Suzanne Podhaizer's and Ruth Horowitz's picks for the most romantic restaurants in our area. Or, if you prefer less romance and more raunchiness, you could always play Dirty Jenga (believe me, it's fun — especially if you're snowed in).

Candy and Roses,
MM

Debauchery on a Budget

Hi Mistress,

My girlfriend and I would like to start meeting men, women and couples to broaden our sexual experiences. We see people on the street and both agree we’d like to have them join us in bed. Unfortunately, that’s not a request you can just ask any random stranger. We’ve considered looking online, but we have yet to find a website that lets people meet for free. Whatever happened to people of the same mindset helping each other out? I am a recent college graduate and my girlfriend is still in college. So we save every, and I mean every, penny. We simply do not have the money to spend on a dating site.

So instead of simply complaining, are there any ways for us to meet people? Will we have to start an “online hook-up” fund? Or are we destined to simply fantasize? I hope you can help!

Eric

Dear Eric,

Vermont has many amazing amenities — the mountains, the lakes, the nation’s only “democratic socialist” senator, etc. What we don’t have, unfortunately, is a vibrant and visible kink community. I often feel very lucky to live in the diverse, liberal bubble that is Burlington, but I also feel stifled by the lack of options for us kinksters.

When you’re into alternative sexual activities and live in Vermont, the Internet is your friend. You’re right, I don’t know of any sites that will give you complete access for free, but most sites — including Seven Days Personals — are free to post an ad. People have to pay to respond, but if they do, it won’t cost you a dime. So what are you waiting for? Get cozy with your girlfriend, write an ad that describes your most torrid fantasies, post it, and see what happens. Just the act of writing such an ad will likely turn you both on and, with any luck, evolve into a steamy night for the two of you!
Living a kinky lifestyle is a hobby, and like most hobbies, it costs money. Whether you’re collecting stamps, knitting or trying to attract other pervy people to your bed, you have to be ready to “put out.” You need to start a “Spank Bank.” You and your girlfriend drop in loose change, and before you know it, you’ll have enough to join an online site for a month or take a trip to a bigger city where you can get your freak on.

I am astounded that so many people in Vermont forget how close we are to the living, breathing kink-friendly city Montréal! Swinging in members-only clubs is legal there, and the clubs are easy to find by searching the net. Just remember to bring your passport and plenty of protection.

Bonne Chance,
MM

Getting Buff (in the buff)

As hard as I try, I can't seem to stick to a disciplined gym routine. If I'm going to workout, I have to approach it the way I approach my sex life — by keeping it new, and interesting, and preferably at a high level of difficulty — I do love a challenge, after all. So, I take dance classes and high-impact aerobics, and attempt to play racquetball. I'll do anything, so long as I don't have to hit the gym more than once or twice a week for strength training. 
 
However, if my gym were to follow in the footsteps of Fitworld in the Netherlands, I might change my tune. I learned, via the About Last Night blog, that Fitworld will soon launch "Naked Sunday," when fitness buffs can work out, well, in the buff. Believe me, if I could go to the gym and watch peoples' naughty bits bounce up and down as they jogged on the treadmill — I'd be there with bells on (or, no bells). 
 
Owner of Fitworld Patrick de Man (yes, his last name is "The Man") came up with this bit of marketing genius with the help of two gym-goers who are also nudists. He says the response to Naked Sundays has been overwhelming, and that current members of the club are mostly concerned about sanitation. Thank goodness for disposable bicycle seat covers. . .
 
The first Naked Sunday is scheduled for March 4 — still time to buy a plane ticket. Do you think it would be rude to go there and just watch? I'll bring the Milk Duds, you bring the popcorn.

Friday's Big Post

Sitting at a local coffee hangout last night, I overheard a woman confiding in her friend about her new beau: "He's inspiring me to make 3-foot cock paintings. I swear! Give me a year, and I'll have an art show up in this place — all huge cocks."
 
I'm not making this up, folks. Clearly this woman is enamored with her new man's penis, but does size really matter? Personally, I've experienced the entire array of penis sizes — from "Is it in?" to "Oh my God, take it out!" — and I've enjoyed every single one.
 
What do you think? Is bigger better? Take the poll, then elaborate with a comment — don't be shy, you can comment anonymously.
 

Get Free Opinion Polls

And speaking of size queens, if you know what's good for you, you won't miss this weekend's Winter is a Drag Ball at Higher Ground to benefit The Vermont People with AIDS Coalition. Gay, straight, bi — whoever you are, you'll find enough fun and debauchery to keep you hot 'til this cold snap ends. . .

Porn and Pancakes

The other night I caught the tail end of a Daily Show segment about Porn and Pancakes. At the time, all I gleaned was that members of some Christian ministry thought it would be a great idea to lure men into talking about the dangers of pornography by tempting them away from the womenfolk with a manly breakfast. I was partially correct.

As it turns out, Porn and Pancakes is an event held across the U.S. by XXXChurch — a young, hip, online Christian ministry whose main goal seems to be to spread the word of God to porn industry workers and consumers. The breakfast-time testosterone fests are geared toward men and boys (junior high and older), and will often feature XXXChurch presenters chatting with ex-porn industry leaders about the dangers of pornography. They speak out loudly against the Christian Church’s tradition of ignoring pornography, and XXXChurch founder Craig Gross says they have taken a lot of criticism for their frank talk about porn and their unorthodox outreach methods. For a sample of XXXChurch’s outreach, check out this video of Pete the Porno Puppet. You’ll find it all over You Tube and MySpace.

You’re also likely to find XXXChurch leaders peddling the Bible at major porn industry trade shows or debating with porn star extraordinaire Ron Jeremy live in front of college audiences. To get a better sense of XXXChurch, you can check out this ABC news piece about their various outreach tactics.

From the news piece, I gather that these guys are passionate Christians — but I also get the sense that they love all the attention and fame. Hmm, I wonder how much they charge per speaking engagement . . .

-MM

P.S. XXXChurch is also responsible for the “Every Time You Masturbate, God Kills a Kitten” campaign. Enjoy.

Weighing the Options

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My partner has a weird sexual kink — he can’t reach orgasm without being smothered by skin. At first he was content sticking his face into my ample bosom as he shot his wad, but the thrill died down after a week or so (not to mention the boob rash I got from his stubbly chin). Now he insists that I gain 100 lbs and lose it as quickly as possible so that I will have layer upon layer of ripply loose skin for him to wrap himself in like a warm, fleshy blanket. I truly think he is “The One” and am willing to do it, but I’m worried that I will gain and lose the 100 lbs very quickly and be left with firm elastic skin. Do you think I should just invite a former fatty into our bed for a threesome?

I appreciate an urgent response as I am already having a hard time, no matter how much junk I eat, I just can't seem to put on weight!

Sincerely,
Ophelia Mancok, Beaverville

Dear OMB,

For your sake, I hope this letter is not real. Although it’s entertaining, it’s also offensive and shortsighted. Purposely putting your body through such trauma would likely outrage women who struggle with weight loss, then have to struggle with the loose skin aftermath.

But as outrageous as your letter is, the fetish you describe is no joke — plenty of people like to be smothered by their partners’ flesh as foreplay or during sex. Whether it’s being completely enveloped by their partners or the lack of oxygen — smother fetishists say that they experience stronger, more intense orgasms when their partners smother them with various body parts. When a smother fetishist is also a macrophiliac (having a strong sexual attraction to larger people), he or she is more likely to also be interested in trample fantasies — where the heavy partner will stand or walk on the submissive partner.

On the off chance that you really are stuffing your face with chocolate and chips, I must advise you to take an immediate break from this relationship. While smother fantasies are somewhat common, insisting that your partner endanger his or her health is not. You deserve better: someone who will love and desire you for who you are now, not who you’ll be once you’ve gained and lost weight.
And one more piece of advice for my fellow smother-lovers — Partake in this activity only after any bearded partners have performed a clean, close shave. Ouch!

Smothering kisses,
MM

The Buzz on Valentine's Day

Last year, a company called Love Labs released an iPod-friendly vibrator called the iBuzz. Now, just in time for Valentine’s Day, Love Labs has introduced the iBuzz Two — an improved version of the original with two vibrating bullets instead of one and no clunky adapter for the headphones. Here's the promo video:

Since I’ve turned into an iPod junky, I was very excited when my iBuzz Two arrived in the mail. But a word to the wise — if you order this product, make sure to have AAA batteries on hand; they’re not included.

After a quick trip to the store, I was ready to get down and dirty (I always wonder what store clerks must think when they see an exasperated woman hurriedly buying batteries and nothing else). Now, if you’re a person who has trouble hooking up the DVD player to the television, the iBuzz might seem intimidating at first — it has lots of wires and sockets. But, have no fear, the simple directions are easy to follow, and I didn’t have any trouble. The iBuzz Two comes with two attachments: a pink bunny to tickle your bits and ring stimulator for a penis or strap-on.

Once your new high-tech vibrator is ready to go, the most challenging part begins — song selection. If you like to warm yourself up bit, go with something more melodic. For me, I like to get right down to business, so I scrolled through my list of songs and decided upon the tune I found most appropriate: “Get Off,” by Prince. The iBuzz responded immediately, bouncing and vibrating along to the groove and deep bass beats. When getting myself off, I tend not to vary the movements too much because I know what works, so I was a bit nervous that the groove would be too varied to push me over the edge. Not so. I found that knowing the song helped — I knew what beats were “coming,” if you know what I mean. . .

I do have a few gripes about the iBuzz Two. I found all the wires to be cumbersome and the blue flashing lights a bit tacky. It was a bit frustrating to have two controllers — the iPod for song selection and volume and the iBuzz for on/off and other vibrations (you can turn the music vibes off and go with the iBuzz’s preprogrammed vibrator settings). I also found having two vibrating bullets really distracting. Having two is almost always better than one, but what if you don’t have a partner and, like me, prefer not to have two body parts vibrating at the same time? The second bullet was buzzing away next to me on the bed — not hot.

Overall, the iBuzz Two would make a fun and memorable Valentine’s Day gift. It’s not often you find a sex toy that works well for both partners at the same time. And if you’re single this Valentine’s Day, pick up the iBuzz Two for yourself. At least you won't be fighting over the controllers.

xoxo
MM

P.S. If you’d like to find a partner to use your iBuzz Two with, you should attend the Seven Days Singles Party this Wednesday at The Green Room! Details here.

Sexy Sarah

The Sarah Silverman Program premiered last night on Comedy Central. If you don't know Sarah Silverman, I suggest you get acquainted with her. She is the brightest (and, in my opinion, sexiest) female comic to come up through the ranks. She started out as a writer and player for Saturday Night Live but was fired after her first year — likely because her comedy was too smart for her cohorts. She's making her own way now, and I am only too happy to see her doing her thing every Thursday night, joking about things like race, vaginal rejuvenation, scatology and various other "inappropriate" topics. Here's a taste:

Sarah Explains the Birds and the Bees:

Sarah Disses Paris Hilton at the MTV Music Awards:

Goodbye Harry, Hello Daniel

Parents of Harry Potter fans are aflutter over actor Daniel Radcliffe's latest publicity photos taken for his performance of Equus in London. Radcliffe appears to be naked and getting friendly with a horse in the photos, and parents of young Harry Potter fans are flooding fan sites with letters of disdain and disbelief. I've also heard that Radcliffe performs a pretty steamy sex scene on stage. If you're reading this blog, you're probably not going to be offended by the photos. You can find them here, courtesy of Flesh Seeker (beware, when you visit Flesh Seeker, you're likely to get an eyeful).

But, before you get too excited, keep in mind that young Daniel won't be 18 until July, 23.