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Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Sex vs. Intimacy

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I like this guy, but he doesn’t seem to see the chemistry we have together. I met him at a party about a year ago, and it turned into a two-week sex fest. We’d get together nearly every other day and have really good sex. I’m much more experienced than he is, and he told me that I was the best he’d ever had. I was really starting to like him, but then he just stopped calling. A few weeks later, we chatted online and he told me he had met someone else. I was crushed but didn’t let him know he had hurt me.

A few months later, I ran into him, and he was single. So we started sleeping together again, and I thought he had finally come to his senses about how awesome I am. I was wrong. He stopped calling again, and before I knew it, he was dating another girl. He has told me that I am really different from the women he usually dates and that I’m far better in bed. So, what’s the deal? If he prefers being with me, why am I only his fuck buddy?


Dear A.R.

I see a couple of issues at play here — one is about him and one is about you.

This guy wants to have unbridled sex with you — an experienced, sexy woman — but when it comes to choosing a mate, he wants a virgin. He could be harboring some serious guilt or simply be intimidated by your sexual prowess and your assertive demeanor. Either way, he clearly doesn’t appreciate what you have to offer.

As for your role in this, you have to learn the difference between sex and intimacy. If you want to have casual sex, go ahead (safely, of course), but don’t mistake the false intimacy of a quick romp in the sack for the genuine spark of love. Figure out what you want. Do you want hot sex with a stranger or with a guy you’ve cultivated a relationship with? Either path you choose is fine, but don’t look for love in casual sex; those paths don’t often cross.

As for the guy in question — kick him to the curb. You’ve wasted enough of your time, self-esteem and hot lovin’ on him. Move on.

In sisterhood,

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