Weighing the Options

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My partner has a weird sexual kink — he can’t reach orgasm without being smothered by skin. At first he was content sticking his face into my ample bosom as he shot his wad, but the thrill died down after a week or so (not to mention the boob rash I got from his stubbly chin). Now he insists that I gain 100 lbs and lose it as quickly as possible so that I will have layer upon layer of ripply loose skin for him to wrap himself in like a warm, fleshy blanket. I truly think he is “The One” and am willing to do it, but I’m worried that I will gain and lose the 100 lbs very quickly and be left with firm elastic skin. Do you think I should just invite a former fatty into our bed for a threesome?

I appreciate an urgent response as I am already having a hard time, no matter how much junk I eat, I just can't seem to put on weight!

Sincerely,
Ophelia Mancok, Beaverville

Dear OMB,

For your sake, I hope this letter is not real. Although it’s entertaining, it’s also offensive and shortsighted. Purposely putting your body through such trauma would likely outrage women who struggle with weight loss, then have to struggle with the loose skin aftermath.

But as outrageous as your letter is, the fetish you describe is no joke — plenty of people like to be smothered by their partners’ flesh as foreplay or during sex. Whether it’s being completely enveloped by their partners or the lack of oxygen — smother fetishists say that they experience stronger, more intense orgasms when their partners smother them with various body parts. When a smother fetishist is also a macrophiliac (having a strong sexual attraction to larger people), he or she is more likely to also be interested in trample fantasies — where the heavy partner will stand or walk on the submissive partner.

On the off chance that you really are stuffing your face with chocolate and chips, I must advise you to take an immediate break from this relationship. While smother fantasies are somewhat common, insisting that your partner endanger his or her health is not. You deserve better: someone who will love and desire you for who you are now, not who you’ll be once you’ve gained and lost weight.
And one more piece of advice for my fellow smother-lovers — Partake in this activity only after any bearded partners have performed a clean, close shave. Ouch!

Smothering kisses,
MM