Action!

Calling all filmmakers and sexy starlets! I was getting my daily fix
of Fleshbot yesterday and came across Darryl's Hard Liquor and Porn
Festival — now that's my kind of festival. It's not what you think the films can be anything from porn satire to cartoons.

The festival takes place in both Toronto and Montreal this fall
(Canada is so cool). Festival organizers are now accepting sexy
submissions from filmmakers, musicians, comedians and animators. From
the festival's website: "We like good short films, animations,
mocumentaries, music videos, etc. that are funny, creative, campy,
sexy, cutesy, artsy (but not TOO FRIGGIN ARTSY, OKAY?), outrageous,
whatever, anything . . .except BORING!"

If you think you've got what it takes to make it at Darryl's, you can
download the entry form from the festival's website. Be sure to keep
me informed — I'll want an invite to all the hot after parties. You
bring the porn, I'll bring the liquor. . .

Cut,
MM

Straight Shooter

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Sex with my new boyfriend is really good, perhaps too good. The last time I had an orgasm with him, I squirted. I’ve heard that some women can ejaculate, but I didn’t think I was one of those women. It was really embarrassing — my boyfriend thought it was pee and kind of freaked out. Plus, we had to stop in the middle of everything and change the sheets — it totally ruined the mood.

I’m confused. What is my body ejaculating and how can I make it stop?

Thanks,
Stuck in the Wet Spot

Dear Wet Spot,

Why so glum? Do you have any idea how many women practice and practice and still can’t squirt? The liquid being released from your urethra upon orgasm is not pee — it’s a clear liquid that is generated in your Skene’s glands (often called the G-spot). The Skene’s glands are the female equivalent of the male prostate. When you’re aroused, your G-spot area becomes engorged and releases liquid into the urethra that may squirt out upon orgasm. Some studies say that the majority of women ejaculate from the urethra during sex, but in small, undetectable amounts.

I wish I could reference more research about female ejaculation, but unfortunately, science likes to ignore female sexual function — especially when it comes to bodily fluids. Not too long ago menstruation was thought to cause livestock to die and crops to fail. Nowadays, we’re bombarded by ads for products, from douche to deodorant, that are designed to disguise all our odiferous fluids. Heck, even sanitary pads now come with a heavily scented wipe attached. The message is loud and clear: women are not supposed to secrete unsightly or pungent fluids. Well, guess what? We do!

Don’t stifle your squirting skill — embrace it. Most female ejaculators can only squirt when uber-aroused, so your man should feel like a stud for making you shoot. You deserve to have orgasms and not be ashamed of your body’s natural tendencies. If your boyfriend doesn’t like it, buy him a poncho.

Singin’ in the rain,
MM

Call Girl

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I got a girl's phone number on Saturday night. How long do I wait to call? I always thought it was three days, but I've seen everything online from "call immediately" to "wait seven days." I'm tired of being single, and I just want a date with no drama. What's the right answer?

Steve

Dear Steve,

I can tell you right off the bat that the answer is neither "immediately" or "wait seven days." If you wait a full week, the woman is likely to think you weren't really interested in her, and when you do call, she might be put off by your seemingly lackadaisical attitude. If you call immediately, you run the risk of appearing overeager — it's true, some girls do like a little bit of a challenge.

Thus, the age-old question still lingers — what's the appropriate waiting period? If you asked me this question ten years ago, I would have said to call early on the third day. You meet her on Saturday night, and you call her Tuesday morning. However, we now live in a world where everything is at our fingertips 24/7, and we do not like to wait for what we desire. That said, I believe the average appropriate wait time is now two days. You met her on Saturday night, so call her Monday. She'll know you're truly interested in her, and if she likes you too, she'll be glad you called sooner rather than later.

Of course, our high-tech world does leave room in the dating game for variations on the two-day rule. For instance, if you get her cell phone number, you could drop her a text message later that evening or the following day saying that you enjoyed meeting her and that you look forward to giving her a call. If you both happen to be on MySpace, it's okay to make a friend request quickly after meeting, but don't send her a message — be a man and make the phone call.

Above all else, be yourself. These rules are merely suggestions to make dating easier to navigate — if you're more comfortable with a different approach, try it out and see what happens. But, whatever you do, try not replicate this scene from Swingers:

Kisses,
MM

Exhibition

I came across this tidbit via Smut and Steff. With his collection called Uncovered, photographer Jordan Matter depicts New York City women going about their daily lives with one small catch — they're topless. From picking fruit at the Union Square Market to watching the St. Patrick's Day parade, these women have volunteered to show what life might look like if the words "fear" and "shame" were no longer part of our vocabularies. With men able to walk around topless whenever they please, Matter's photography aims to show a world where women do not carry the painful weight of history on our chests.

Take a moment to check out Uncovered, and you can also view news clips showing Matter's interesting and often humorous photographic process.

What A Pair

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I need your help. I've been in a relationship with a great guy for two years. We started out hot and heavy in the bedroom department, but for the last year, we’ve only had sex once every couple of months. Last month, I got really paranoid and searched his computer for signs of an affair. I didn’t find any evidence that he’s seeing someone else, but I did find a bunch of porn photos of “large-nippled women.” I also looked at his web history and found sites featuring women with larger-than-average nipples. I have smallish breasts with small nipples. Is this why our sex life is fading? I’ve read about nipple pumps that are supposed to make your nips bigger. Is it worth a try?

Thanks,
Itty Bitty Titties

Dear IBT,

The size of your breasts is the least of worries — you have bigger titties to twist. Your sex life is not dead because you have smaller nipples than the women on your boyfriend’s computer — it’s dead because of the lack of communication in your relationship, which you compound by snooping around on your man’s computer.

Who cares if your boyfriend likes to look at big-nippled women? I like to look at pictures of men with huge members, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to sump my man of average length and girth.

Your first order of business is to address the lack of intimacy in your relationship. Calmly tell him that you are not satisfied with your sex life and that things have to change. Let him know that you care about him and that you’re willing to work on whatever issues are keeping you out of the bedroom. If he balks, you’ll have to think about drawing a deeper line the sand.

As far as nipple pumps go — their results are not long lasting, but they can be a lot of fun to play with. If you find the sucking sensation pleasurable, you can pump up the size of your nipples for up to a half hour. Try bringing home a pump (you’ll have to pick the proper size for your nipples) — tell your man you’ve been dying to experiment with nipple play. From what you’ve told me about his online interests, I’m sure he’ll be titillated.

Twist and pull,
MM

No Experience Necessary

Kevin Blatt, famous for distributing the Paris Hilton sex tape, has come up with a new idea to maintain his B-list celebrity status — a reality show where one lucky boy virgin gets his cherry popped by a bona fide porn star. The show, described as Big Brother meets Howard Stern, will be called Virgin Territory. While the show has no network to call home (I'm thinking pay-per-view might be a better venue for this brand of entertainment), the application to participate in the show asks prospective virgins whether or not they'd be available for a month-long taping this summer.

Show producers held auditions in New York last week where would be contestants took polygraph tests, presumably to separate the men from the boys, if you know what I mean. . .

If you think you might be eligible to participate, you can download the Virgin Territory application here. Based on some of the returned Seven Days sex surveys, I know at least a few of you exist in Vermont. And don't forget to pick up this Wednesday's Seven Days for the complete sex survey roundup!

xoxo
MM

America Voted — Come Out, Already!

Since pop culture phenomenon American Idol took over televisions across the country six years ago, tabloids have swirled with rumors about host Ryan Seacrest's sexual orientation. Seacrest has remained quiet about whether or not the gay rumors are true, but check out this clip from one of this week's episodes courtesy of TMZ.com. The clip shows a back and forth between Seacrest and crotchety judge Simon Cowell. The exchange makes me feel icky — either Cowell is trying to out Seacrest on national television or show producers are trying to use Seacrest's mystery orientation to boost ratings. Either way, the whole thing is awkward. If Seacrest is gay, I wish he would just say so. Don't get me wrong — he has every right to stay in the closet, but if he's not going to let us in on his little secret, then I wish he would stop pandering for ratings.

On another note — who's excited for the Sex Issue? Next week, Seven Days will reveal the results of this year's sex survey. I must say, I'm proud of you — I had no idea how deliciously perverse some of you are. . . 

Flirtation Faux Pas

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I work in sales in a power tool company and have a happily married customer whom I have been selling to for over four years. Our working relationship has evolved into more of a friendship, and we like to tease and flirt with each other. Co-workers at our respective companies joke that we are “boyfriend and girlfriend.” Everything was going fine until last week, when we were making arrangements to attend a tradeshow together. I said that I would have to get a hotel room, but since he lives closer to the convention center, I innocently asked if he was going to get a room. He seemed to take my question as an invitation and started acting weird. He automatically shot back with, “Oh, yeah. I'll just tell my wife I’m stuck in traffic.” I was so mortified that I could only laugh nervously and quickly change the subject.

Our conversations over the last few days have been very uncomfortable, and his co-workers are being very distant over the phone, as well. Do you think I should bring it up? Above all else, I want to maintain the business aspect of the relationship. But I also don't want to lose my buddy.

Help!
E.F.

Dear E.F.,

Let this be a lesson learned — it’s not usually wise to mix flirtation with business, especially if the guy’s married. While using your sexuality may help boost your sales, it could also start revving up the wrong power tools, if you know what I mean. And clearly it can also lead to uncomfortable situations like the one you’re in now with your client. You should rely more on your smarts and less on your sass; ultimately, business people will respect you more.

As for the mess you’ve created, request a meeting with him at his earliest convenience — in person, if possible. Pick a professional setting and wear proper business attire. Be frank and let him know that you feel he misunderstood your question about the hotel room. Tell him that while you value the “friendly” working relationship you’ve had thus far, you value his business too much to risk losing it. Let him know that you’re willing to make whatever adjustments necessary to ensure his comfort and his commitment to your working relationship. Hopefully he will appreciate your efforts to correct the situation and you won’t lose any sales over this.

I realize that you’re a woman working in a very manly industry, but it’s time for you to pull the plug on your power flirting and demonstrate what you’e really made of.

Saw blades and drill bits,
MM

It Gives Good Aural

If your vibrator could talk, what would it say? Ridiculous question? I think not.

Move over iBuzz Two and all other iPod-friendly sex toys with all the wires, controllers and junk you don't need — the Talking Head has the MP3 player built right in. With 64 megabytes of RAM, USB port, built-in microphone and head phone jack, you'll be screaming audi-ooohhhhhh in no time.

Think of the possibilities. Sure, you can download Marvin Gaye, but with the microphone built in, why not ask your lover to record a sexy message? The voice feature is especially nice if you're in a long distance relationship or if you or your partner travels frequently. The Talking Head holds about four minutes of audio — that's long enough for me.

If you don't have a partner and can't convince a stranger to talk into a dildo, the makers of the Talking Head also sell audio downloads — everything from Juan, the Latin lover to Mistress Jonvieve flogging her slaves. You can preview many of the downloads, and many of them are beyond funny — just make sure you wear your headphones if you're at work.

Although it's a little silly, I still give the Talking Head an A+ for effort. It's nice to see sex-toy technology catching up with these high-tech times. I just hope the makers of the Talking Head can generate enough sales to make a sexier promo video — because this over-scripted commercial featuring "Jessica" definitely is not:

Like A Virgin

Since starting this blog, I have been asked so many questions regarding the width, length and tightness of the vagina — a topic I had no idea was so hotly discussed. Admittedly, I was immediately put off by these inquiries because tightness is so often related to virginity — and I can't stand the notion that virgins are somehow a better conquest than those of us who've been around the block a few (dozen) times. But, I guess it makes sense — penis size is talked about in popular culture all the time.

So, I've done some research on the topic. I spoke to a transgendered guy who has been with many women and says that all vaginas are different — he's been with a petite woman who was easily fisted and a more ample woman who was very tight, forcing him to use a smaller strap-on. I also spoke with a dear friend of mine who borders on obsessed with the tightness of her vagina — she does hundreds of Kegel exercises daily on her commute to work.

I just don't get what all the fuss is about — as long as your vagina works, who cares? Apparently enough people care to warrant the release of this new product from Love Labs (creators of the iBuzz Two). The Inch Perfect is a vibrator that will also help you and your partner measure the depth of your vagina. For what purpose? I have no idea. I figure this toy will either make the male partner feel really, really good about himself. . . or really, really inadequate. Sounds like fun!

I'm all for clever sex toys, but this one just isn't doing it for me. The only noteworthy tidbit about the Inch Perfect is the "How Deep Is Your Love" tagline — because who doesn't like to picture the Bee Gees when you're using your vibe?

Friend or Foe?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I have a problem concerning my husband's best friend that I hope you can help me take care of discreetly. They have been best friends since grade school, and I would hate to see my husband lose his best friend over this. I've been married to my husband for three years, and we were together for two years before that. Nearly the entire time, his best friend has been coming on to me. It started out with just jokes and flirting, most of the time right in front of my husband, who would just laugh it off because his friend has always been known as the "class clown." But, recently, he seems more serious in his advances. He's even made comments about what would have happened if he had "met me first." When I look uncomfortable, he's quick to make a joke and smooth things over.

My husband would be devastated to learn that his best friend is really trying to make a move on me. I just want him to drop this nonsense. How would you handle this situation?

Thanks,
Not Laughing

Dear NL,

Well, my dear, I wouldn't have to handle this situation, because I would have nipped it in the bud long ago. You need to deal with this guy immediately. It sounds like his behavior has escalated over the years, and you must put a stop to it before it goes any further.

I know you want to protect your husband and their friendship, but I assure you — he's no friend to your husband. You need to think about keeping your relationship with your husband healthy, open and honest — keeping secrets only erodes your connection. Have a talk with your hubby and explain that while he may think his best friend is joking around, you are convinced otherwise. Tell him that you feel uncomfortable, and relay recent comments his "best friend" has made to you privately.

See what your husband has to say. Given their friendship, he may want to deal with the situation man to man, or he may suggest that you put your foot down next time it happens. Either way, you need your husband's support on this, and I wouldn't recommend approaching the friend before you speak with hubby — it could blow the situation wide open, leaving your husband wondering why he was kept in the dark.

And one more thing — be ready for a less-than-supportive initial response from your husband. You're right — he will be devastated, and he might not want to believe his best friend is after his wife. Be kind, but also be steadfast. You've put up with this long enough, and it's time for hubby to back you up.

BFF,
MM

Dentata Deterrent?

To any men made uncomfortable in the shorts by yesterday's entry about vagina dentata — my apologies, because it's only going to get worse.

A reader dropped me an email about a product in development in South Africa called Rapex: The Anti-rape Condom. The device is fashioned like the female condom and is inserted into the vagina with an applicator (like a tampon). If a penis enters a vagina while Rapex is inserted, the product latches onto the intruding penis by microscopic barbs causing severe pain — and hopefully giving the victim enough time to escape. The barbs can only be removed successfully with surgery, alerting hospital staff and police.

South African blood technician Sonet Ehlers invented Rapex, and as you might imagine, she and her product are being intensely criticized. Opponents of the product say it would be better to have a visible deterrent, rather than a hidden device that is "vengeful" and "medieval." To her opponents, Ehlers says on her website, "A medieval device for a medieval deed." If production and distribution of Rapex moves forward, opponents also fear that women will use it to frame or injure unsuspecting men — ouch!

Above all else, education, enforcement and community involvement are the best rape deterrents — but what's to be done when these efforts fail women (especially in countries with astronomical rape statistics)? What do you think — is Rapex going too far? Take the poll and leave a comment.

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Bite Me

Teeth debuted at the Sundance Film Festival last month. The New York Times described the flick as a "feminist horror film," so clearly I had to check it out. The movie tells the story of a pure and prudish high school girl whose vagina literally bites back during a sexual assault. I remember reading about the myth of the vagina dentata in college. Many cultures tell tales of vagina teeth, presumably as a means to control the urges of young men. The myth persists in popular culture — like when Mike Myers, playing Wayne in a Wayne's World sketch, refers to his female guest's "major vagina dentata."

I've read some not-so-stellar reviews of the film, but Teeth did win a prize at Sundance, and I hear John Hensley of "Nip/Tuck" puts in a deliciously disturbing performance as the fucked up brother. I haven't seen it for myself yet, but I'll be ready to sink my teeth into it when comes to a theater near me. . .

He's Got Balls

Former NBA player, and now openly gay man, John Amaechi released his book Man in the Middle last week. The book examines what it's like to be a closeted gay man among the NBA's elite, where coaches and upper management support a culture of fear and ignorance when it comes to gay issues. Sound like fun, no? You can read an excerpt from the book on ESPN.

You've probably already heard news stories about former NBA player Tim Hardaway's reaction to Amaechi's coming out — it was less than favorable. Hardaway sounded off on a Miami radio station, saying such eloquent things as, "You know, I hate gay people, so let it be known. . . It shouldn't be in our world or in the United States." Gee, I wasn't aware that the United States wasn't in our world. Thanks for the education, Tim.

The NBA has banned Hardaway from all NBA-related events, and Hardaway's lawyer has released an official apology. I'm glad to see mainstream media isn't letting it go at that. Check out Jimmy Kimmel's offering featuring my favorite gay, George Takei.