What A Pair

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I need your help. I've been in a relationship with a great guy for two years. We started out hot and heavy in the bedroom department, but for the last year, we’ve only had sex once every couple of months. Last month, I got really paranoid and searched his computer for signs of an affair. I didn’t find any evidence that he’s seeing someone else, but I did find a bunch of porn photos of “large-nippled women.” I also looked at his web history and found sites featuring women with larger-than-average nipples. I have smallish breasts with small nipples. Is this why our sex life is fading? I’ve read about nipple pumps that are supposed to make your nips bigger. Is it worth a try?

Thanks,
Itty Bitty Titties

Dear IBT,

The size of your breasts is the least of worries — you have bigger titties to twist. Your sex life is not dead because you have smaller nipples than the women on your boyfriend’s computer — it’s dead because of the lack of communication in your relationship, which you compound by snooping around on your man’s computer.

Who cares if your boyfriend likes to look at big-nippled women? I like to look at pictures of men with huge members, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to sump my man of average length and girth.

Your first order of business is to address the lack of intimacy in your relationship. Calmly tell him that you are not satisfied with your sex life and that things have to change. Let him know that you care about him and that you’re willing to work on whatever issues are keeping you out of the bedroom. If he balks, you’ll have to think about drawing a deeper line the sand.

As far as nipple pumps go — their results are not long lasting, but they can be a lot of fun to play with. If you find the sucking sensation pleasurable, you can pump up the size of your nipples for up to a half hour. Try bringing home a pump (you’ll have to pick the proper size for your nipples) — tell your man you’ve been dying to experiment with nipple play. From what you’ve told me about his online interests, I’m sure he’ll be titillated.

Twist and pull,
MM