The Fastest Way To Get It On

In this world of instant gratification, we just can't stand to wait around for anything — including safe sex. Like waiting for a slow website to load, it can be equally aggravating to watch a clumsy partner struggle with opening the condom packet, fumbling around to find the tip and rolling it on — but, no matter how impatient we are, we have to remember that getting an STI is the ultimate inconvenience.

Here's the good news — pretty soon our condoms are going to go from dial-up to DSL. Check out the new Pronto Condom. Currently, Pronto is only available in South Africa, but the company promises to be worldwide soon. This newfangled rubber comes equipped with a speedy plastic applicator — you just crack the package open and slip on. No muss, no fuss. Here's the South African commercial:

Until Pronto condoms are available in the US, you can get FREE condoms at both Vermont CARES and the RU12 Community Center. I believe both places also offer lube, dental dams and female condoms.

Lost and Found

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I had a nasty breakup with someone in December 2005. What made it worse is that we had sex just before the breakup, even though I could tell it was over. The sex was bad and emotionally painful. I have dated since then, but unsuccessfully.

After almost two years, I was getting “hungry,” so an old friend and I decided to hook up. I had been somewhat attracted to him during college but always had a boyfriend when he and I would hang out. We spent a few weeks talking online about hooking up, which was a real turn-on. We finally had sex this past weekend and, I must say, I felt clumsy, uneasy, and like I was holding back. I have always felt like a strong sexual being; before now, I didn’t have to be in a “relationship” to enjoy sex. Is there a way to reclaim and be comfortable with my sexuality again, without therapy?

Sincerely,
Lost

Dear Lost,

I’ve got one word for you: relax. It’s natural to be nervous and clumsy when you get back into the game after a dry spell. It’s upsetting to feel like your mojo is waning, but don’t overlook the positive — you’re learning and growing. You survived a bad relationship and breakup, you took some time for yourself, and now you’re ready to get back into the swing of things. This is an exciting time in your life!

As we evolve, our sexual needs and desires change. You may not be able to perform as well with someone you’re not in love with — and that’s OK. You don’t need to participate in casual sex to let your inner sex kitten run free. If you want intimacy with your orgasms, I suggest taking things slowly. Build trust — and sexual tension — with someone you like, then give sex another try.
You strike me as a strong, smart person — look inside yourself and see this as an opportunity to grow. And remember that even the strongest people need a little help sometimes. If you’re feeling confused and overwhelmed, go ahead and see a therapist — couldn’t we all use an hour a week devoted to ourselves?

XOXO,
MM

What Are You Like In Bed?

I don't know what you're like in bed, but after reading New York Magazine's Love and Sex Issue, I do know what fourteen NYC hipsters are like in the sack (insert retching sound here).

New York Magazine asked fourteen nearly-perfect, American Apparel-looking scenesters: What are you like in bed? See their answers and photos here. My favorite is the woman who says her downfall is that she doesn't give head. Ya think?

Bitchy Jones's Diary

I stumbled across a new blog two weeks ago and have been hooked ever since. With a name like "Bitchy Jones's Diary," how could it not hook you?

Bitchy Jones calls herself a "real person," who also happens to be a femdom (a female dominant in the bdsm world). I find Bitchy Jones a joy to read — she's not full of herself, nor does she put on an amateurish kinky sideshow like many other femdom bloggers. Bitchy is candid, almost to a fault, and deliciously self-deprecating — imagine Sandra Bullock or Meg Ryan doing a monologue about flogging.

The excerpt below is from her entry entitled What it Feels Like to Hurt a Man Until it Makes You Have an Orgasm (see, she doesn't pull any punches). If you're curious about bdsm and what makes a domme tick, it's a good read. Bitchy represents only a small snippet of the many kinks and bdsm avenues available to us, but even so, it's a good introduction to the world of kink (and a good reminder for some of us who've lived in Vermont perhaps a little too long).

Enjoy!

I often put clamps on him now and if he doesn’t scream really fucking loud, I take them off and put them on him again. And that’s really painful. And this is the first point where I might feel a bit droppy. Sometimes it’s like a lonely feeling. It’s lonely at the top. A dark homesickness. There'll be a scream that thuds hard right into my cunt and something like remorse will break over me. Like waking up from a dream of doing something terrible. And sometimes I’ll pause for so long that I’ll find him frowning at me, like, why have you stopped?

So I pull myself together and carry on because I’m driving and we’ve both got somewhere to go. So I snuggle back into the cozy blanket of my arousal by finding a quick sharp way to hurt him. Face slapping is good – but there is no way I’m doing that if we haven’t talked about it because I am far too much of a primadonna to give up my position as the most emotionally traumatised person in the room. But we move on somehow. And on to something nice. Read on. . .

Doggie Style

Being that Seven Days unleashed the Animal Issue this week, I thought it appropriate to introduce you to Hotdoll. If you've ever owned an overactive pooch with a ferocious appetite for humping the legs of house guests, you might appreciate this new pet product. Yep, the Hotdoll is a sex toy for Fido, and it comes in two sizes to satisfy the tiniest of toy poodles and greatest of great danes. The toy is structured out of plastic with a layer of soft "technogel skin" on the outside. The orange bits are made out of rubber for durability, and the whole thing (including the hole in the rear) is made for easy cleaning.

Being a cat lover myself, I'm not privy to the sexual demands of today's pooches, but I say — if it keeps your pup off the furniture and dinner guests, it can't be all bad. Check out more product shots at Feel Addicted (click on products).

Woof,
MM

P.S. Thanks to Gizmodo.com and my friend Ms. Buddha for this hot dog of a tip!

Better Footing

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I recently started seeing this guy, and we’ve slept together a few times. I really like him, and I think he feels (or felt) the same way. Here’s the issue: During a session of pillow talk last weekend, he told me he’d like to give me a foot massage. I thought this was odd because it was late at night, and we had just had sex (we usually both fall asleep shortly afterwards). I agreed to let him rub my feet, and as soon as he started massaging them, he got another hard-on. He seemed mildly embarrassed, which was awkward for me — but what’s worse is, I was so tired, I told him I just wanted to go to sleep. The next morning, the awkwardness continued and he left quickly. Our conversations since have been friendly but short, and we haven’t made any more plans to hang out.

Mistress, what happened, and how can I fix it? I don’t mind exploring his foot fetish, but I’m afraid he’ll never want to open up to me again. How can I resolve this situation and move forward with this great guy?

Sincerely,
Toe Up

Dear T.U.,

Problems are afoot, and it’s up to you get this relationship back on track. By rebuffing your beau at his most vulnerable, you gave him the impression that his desire to tickle your toes actually turns your tummy. He feels judged by you, and I don’t blame him for taking a step back. You say you’re willing to explore his fantasy, yet you have not expressed your willingness to do so. I don’t care how tired you are or how awkward the situation is — when your partner shows you his or her vulnerability, you do not roll over and start snoring.

Don’t get me wrong — this situation is not completely your fault. Your man took a risk by not communicating with you ahead of time. If you don’t mind his fondness for your feet, you need to call that boy — pronto. Apologize and tell him you made the wrong decision in a delicate situation. Let him know that you’re curious about what makes him tick, and assure him that the next time your feet are involved, your little piggies won’t be running “Wee wee wee, all the way home.”

If the conversation goes well, surprise him by getting a fresh pedicure — it’s a great way to be flirtatious with your feet. Try experimenting with stockings (from old-fashioned seamed stockings to new-fangled fishnet thigh-highs) and sexy shoes or boots. Better yet, have a candid conversation with your foot-lovin' fella. Some fetishists are into lovingly worshiping the feet, while others would prefer to see the feet bound for their dominant pleasures. Find out what kind of foot fetishist your man is, then take it from there — if you're open to his wishes, you'll be two-stepping through your fantasies in no time.

Kisses,
MM

Toy Chest

Hi Maeve,

Are there any adult toy stores around Burlington?

Thanks,
PBJ

Dear PBJ,

Firstly, aren't you forgetting something? The name is Mistress Maeve — got it?

With that out of the way, you've asked a great question. Yes, we are lucky enough to have access to a few adult toy purveyors — Imago of Milton and Good Stuff of Burlington and St. Albans (no website, but the Burlington phone number is 658-6520). If you prefer something less public, you can always host a Passion Party in the comfort of your own home.

When possible, I prefer to shop locally, but sometimes you just can't find what you're looking for in Vermont. If you need to turn to the Internet, check out Babeland or Blowfish.

Have fun filling your toy box,
MM

Am I missing one? Let me know by leaving a comment (you can leave a comment anonymously so your friends, family and coworkers won't know you like to read about sex).

Fresh Air

Yet another dreary weekend in Vermont — the perfect weather for staying in and staying satiated. But, what if you have no partner to pass the time with? If you're truly desperate and self love has lost its luster, you can try the new Japanese fad — air sex. You've seen air guitar, air drums and full-on air bands, but the Japanese are taking it from the stage to the bedroom.

Have a look at this short piece via Fleshbot and YouTube.

Friday Fun

I'd like to thank Fleshbot for making me late for work this morning. . .

If you're looking for a suitable Friday distraction, I suggest you click over to Sloggi and play with their scintillating billboard builder. Sloggi, a lingerie company based in the Netherlands, is famous for its scandalous billboards featuring scantly-clad models. In their latest marketing push, horny computer geeks (like me) can craft a personalized billboard by choosing the backdrop, models, poses and message. The best (and most time-consuming) part is choosing the models — you can "ask" them to do a host of things for you like smile, twirl, dance and blow kisses. Just don't ask them to bend over — they don't seem to like that.

Have fun and be sure to email me your billboards at [email protected].

Kisses,
MM

Bi the Way...

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I am a single woman in my late thirties, never been married but have had several long-term relationships. I’m currently single and dating here and there. I’m writing to you because I’ve recently come to a realization that troubles me. I’m finding that I’m most attracted to bisexual men. Time and again, I’ve enjoyed my relationships with bisexual men much more than those with heterosexual men. When I’m with a straight man, I tend to feel boxed into the heterosexual norm, and eventually feel frustrated and bored. I just feel that bisexual men are more sensitive, and therefore make better partners. Plus, the idea of two men together turns me on like nothing else!

Am I the only woman who feels this way? Is it wrong or somehow discriminatory to be attracted to only one cross section of the male population? Also, how do I find bisexuals to date without coming out and asking men if they find other guys attractive?

Thanks,
All Bi Myself

Dear ABM,

Back off, sister. The line for hot, eligible bi guys starts behind me.

Listen, don’t second guess who you’re attracted to — just go for it. I understand that you don’t want to be narrow-minded in your search for a man, but if bi guys float your boat, I say full steam ahead. In this world of easy-access pornography, it’s not hard to see how society fetishizes entire groups of people: fat women, little people, transsexuals, etc. This type of pornography can be degrading and lead to abnormal sexual fixation by porn consumers. But I don’t get the sense that this is what’s happening for you. You’re simply saying that, after a bevy of experiences with different men, you find relationships more fulfilling with bisexual men on a number of levels.

One caution — it’s shortsighted to call one whole group of men “more sensitive” than another (believe me, I’ve met some sickeningly sweet straight men). However, I can see where many bisexual men would be more sensitive, given how much self awareness and courage it takes to come out of the closet in this uber-masculine, heterosexist world.

As for finding bisexual guys to date, you have to be proactive. Take out a Seven Days personals ad for now, and then hit up the Vermont Pride events this summer. In our rural state, you’re going to have to network to find a suitable boy who goes both ways.

Bi, bi,
MM

"Fag" Blocking

I've always considered myself bisexual, but lately my taste has turned decidedly male, and as time passes in a city without a gay bar, I feel less and less a part of the gay community — except that all my very best friends and closest confidantes are queer. I suppose this officially makes me a fag hag? I don't mind the term, if my gay friends don't mind the responsibility — it means having me tag along to dinners and benefits. In return, I goad them into accompanying me to exceedingly straight events and bars so I can get my swerve on.

This past weekend, after successfully dragging my gay pal to a Winooski bar that is never lacking in the hot man department, I learned a valuable lesson — gay men can be, without realizing it, the biggest cock blockers of them all! The Urban Dictionary defines a cock block as "Any action that impedes or stalls another's game, mack or pimp maneuver."  But after this weekend, I'm coining a new phrase: fag blocking.  I was sitting at the bar by myself while my gay pal took a call outside, when a rugged Vermonty-type wearing Carharts and sporting a grisly beard approached me and struck up a conversation about the great 5-piece Irish band playing raucously in the corner. I smiled, giggled and flirted through the short conversation and was getting ready to hand over my digits when my friend came back in, put his arm around me and started talking into my ear. My mountain man hunk retreated looking defeated and rather annoyed. I had been fag blocked.

Let this be a lesson to all you single, straight men out there — don't stop hitting on a girl who's giving you the green light just because you see her giggling and chatting up a guy. Before you call it quits, check him out — if he's wearing designer jeans and drinking a cosmopolitan, chances are she'd rather go home with you (and so would he).

xoxo,
MM 

Playboy Bunny

Finally — it's Friday. The weather is a little less springy, but that's no reason to stop celebrating the birds and the bees, if you catch my drift. . .

If you celebrate Easter, or even if you don't, do as the bunnies do this weekend — safely, of course. If you need a reminder of what I'm talking about, check out this rascally rabbit featured in a television commercial for German-based car audio company Blaupunkt. Why can't American commercials be this hip?

Smackdown

Dear Mistress Maeve,

One evening, about two months into our relationship, my girlfriend seemed to be standing closer than usual as I finished undressing. Without warning, as I pulled my shirt over my head, she grabbed me about the waist, threw me on the bed and put me in a schoolgirl pin. Then she said: “Wanna wrestle?”

Since then, we haven’t gone a week without at least one wrestling match. They are great fun — no hurtful scissor holds, just good, clean, laughing fun. Sometimes we’re dressed, but we’re usually nude. Wrestling isn’t required foreplay, nor is it necessarily followed by lovemaking — but more often than not, the “winner” gets to stay on top . . .

We’re really happy with our wrestling games, but sometimes we wonder if we’re weird. We mentioned our sport to a couple of friends, and they didn’t seem to get it (one even implied that we should grow up). We’re wondering what your take is, Mistress Maeve — you of wonderful writings and incredible variations on the acts of love?

Thanks,
Grapplin’ Guy

Dear Grapplin’,

My take is simple — if you and your girlfriend want to play Wrestle Mania to get you in the mood before the real body slamming begins, go for it. As long as you’re not hurting each other (in a bad way), I don’t see anything wrong with your sexy scuffles. In fact, wrestling can be a great stress reliever — both for the physical exertion and for the laughter.

My only caution is this: Do not engage in raunchy wrangling as a means to smooth over a fight or if either partner has lingering negative feelings toward the other. On occasion, a friendly fight in the sheets can turn into an uncomfortable situation if one partner goes a little too Hulk Hogan, if you know what I mean.

As for your friends, they are not the referees in your wrestling ring, so don’t worry about their judgments. You and your girlfriend sound like the perfect tag team to me. If your friends continue to give you a hard time, just put them in a Full Nelson, maneuver them into a Camel Clutch, and then deliver a little Haas of Pain.

Spandex, fake tans and baby oil,
MM

Isn't it Ironic?

Have you noticed all the outrageous euphemisms in pop music lately? I realize this is nothing new, but pop stars are taking the secret sex code to a whole new level these days — you might recall Kelis's "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard" or Missy Elliott's "Keep your eyes on my badunkadunkdunk."  My favorite has got to be "My Humps" by The Black Eyed Peas — while catchy, these lyrics have got to be the stupidest ever to be recorded. So, imagine my delight to come across Alanis Morissette's parody/cover of "My Humps" on You Tube. I'm not sure what's more disturbing — hearing the lyrics sung slowly enough to catch every last idiotic phrase or looking at Alanis in hip hop gear.

Enjoy.

Spring Fever

It was a beautiful weekend in Vermont — the sun was shining, the birds were singing and downtown Burlington was teeming with horny singles looking to bust out of winter hibernation mode and get their swerves on. The sexual tension in most places — from bars to the local market — was palpable. Exiting the market and heading to my car on Sunday afternoon, I overheard two twentysomething women greet their twentysomething male friend. The conversation went something like this:

Woman #1: Hey! What's up?

Man: Not much, just enjoying the weather.

Women #2: Totally. What did you do this weekend?

Man: Hung out outside, drank my body weight in liquor and tried to get girls to sleep with me.

I think this guy deserves an award. His response, while funny, was about as honest as I've ever heard anyone be about sexual hunger. Yes, he was probably joking and trying to get a laugh from his female friends — but why? Because he wants to sleep with them, too (probably with both of them at the same time).

His honesty prompted me to think — what if we all decided to be brutally honest about our sexual desires? What if it wasn't taboo to announce that you're sexually frustrated and need some action? I went through a dry spell recently, and I ranted and raved to my friends about how I didn't have anyone to sleep with — when in reality, I probably know twenty guys and girls who would have gladly put me out of misery had I simply asked them to bed.

I was so taken by this guy's honesty that I nearly dropped my grocery bags, raised my hand and said, "I'll do you." There's a lot to be said for subtle flirtation, but when all the snow has finally melted and sun is shining — why pussyfoot around? Just remember — safety first.

Buzz, buzz, chirp, chirp,
MM