Lost and Found

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I had a nasty breakup with someone in December 2005. What made it worse is that we had sex just before the breakup, even though I could tell it was over. The sex was bad and emotionally painful. I have dated since then, but unsuccessfully.

After almost two years, I was getting “hungry,” so an old friend and I decided to hook up. I had been somewhat attracted to him during college but always had a boyfriend when he and I would hang out. We spent a few weeks talking online about hooking up, which was a real turn-on. We finally had sex this past weekend and, I must say, I felt clumsy, uneasy, and like I was holding back. I have always felt like a strong sexual being; before now, I didn’t have to be in a “relationship” to enjoy sex. Is there a way to reclaim and be comfortable with my sexuality again, without therapy?

Sincerely,
Lost

Dear Lost,

I’ve got one word for you: relax. It’s natural to be nervous and clumsy when you get back into the game after a dry spell. It’s upsetting to feel like your mojo is waning, but don’t overlook the positive — you’re learning and growing. You survived a bad relationship and breakup, you took some time for yourself, and now you’re ready to get back into the swing of things. This is an exciting time in your life!

As we evolve, our sexual needs and desires change. You may not be able to perform as well with someone you’re not in love with — and that’s OK. You don’t need to participate in casual sex to let your inner sex kitten run free. If you want intimacy with your orgasms, I suggest taking things slowly. Build trust — and sexual tension — with someone you like, then give sex another try.
You strike me as a strong, smart person — look inside yourself and see this as an opportunity to grow. And remember that even the strongest people need a little help sometimes. If you’re feeling confused and overwhelmed, go ahead and see a therapist — couldn’t we all use an hour a week devoted to ourselves?

XOXO,
MM