Double Time

Dear Mistress Maeve,

For the last couple years, I’ve been enjoying a convenient relationship with a guy who lives four hours away. We dated in college, and now we email, talk on the phone (read: have phone sex) and see each other every few months for a weekend. I do care about him, and I think he cares about me too — but we’re both too realistic to bring our relationship to the next level. Neither one of us is ready to move.

Now, here comes the monkey wrench. I recently met a great guy who lives here in Vermont. We’ve been on two dates, had our first (great) kiss, and we already have another date planned. I have a good feeling about him, but what do I do about my relationship of convenience? Should I tell him I’ve started dating someone else? Do I have to stop having phone sex?! What would you do, Mistress?

Thanks,
Two Timin’

Dear TT,

What would I do? Pop the champagne! You’ve hit the casual dating jackpot — you’ve got one long-distance stud to call when you’re horny and one Vermont cutie to take you out on the town. As long as things remain casual, you can continue dating both gentlemen; however, if one of them asks if you’re seeing anyone else, it’s best to be honest. Don’t go overboard with the details — simply let him know that until your relationship gets more serious, you consider yourself a free agent.

Dating multiple people can be a great time for self-reflection — it forces you to think about what you truly desire from a partner and from life. Just be sure to keep your conscience clean. You won’t always be able to protect others from hurt feelings, but you can do your best to navigate potential dating disasters with kindness. As soon as you feel your heart tugging strongly in one direction, let the other guy go immediately — no one likes to be played for a fool.

Oh, and one last thing — while you may not be in danger of your two hunks’ running into each other on Church Street, you should still be careful not to call out the wrong name during naughty phone time.

Ring, ring,
MM

May Day

If you didn't know, May is National Masturbation Month — so you should probably hurry up and get off as much as possible before Friday.

In honor of this illustrious month, I've decided to take a poll. On average, how many times per week do you masturbate? Personally, my number of self lovin' sessions depends upon my stress level and my social calendar — but whatever I don't do during the week, I generally more than make up for on the weekends. I have to admit that writing this blog has elevated my masturbatory status. I'm paid to have sex on my brain and my mind in the gutter at all times — masturbating is a natural, and much-needed, outlet.

Opinion Polls & Market Research

Golden Girls Gone Wild

If you don't know who Tristan Taormino is, you're missing out. She's an author, columnist, sex educator — and my personal hero. She's enterprising, sharp, kinky and gorgeous — a killer combo in my book.

This week, Taormino explores sex and the elderly woman for the Village Voice in a story called "Knockin' Vintage Boots."

"It's much easier to think about Grandma baking cookies than having sex," says Lauren Taylor, a professor at Columbia School of Social Work and a clinical social worker who does individual and group therapy. She works almost exclusively with people over 60 at the Service Program for Older People (spop.org), a clinic on the Upper West Side. "In approaching the subject of sex with older people, almost all of them feel tremendously relieved to be talking about it because no one else will—not their doctors, not their families; no one wants to talk about it."

Read "Knockin' Vintage Boots" here.

Oh, Baby!

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My boyfriend has an unusual kink. When we’re having sex, he likes to talk about impregnating me. Even though I’m on the pill, he likes to pretend we’re trying to get pregnant. He has asked me to say things like, “Make me a baby” and “Make my belly grow.”

In the beginning, I played along because I was flattered that he trusted me enough to share his fantasy, but now he wants it all the time. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but his fantasy does not turn me on. If our relationship develops and we end up getting married and starting a family, I don’t want getting pregnant to be a dirty act — I want it to be beautiful.

I don’t mind indulging him sometimes, but I how can I tell him to cool it on the pregnancy talk without scarring him or making him feel like I’ve been lying to him all along?

Thanks,
Prepartum Depression

Dear PD,

Impregnation fantasies are not uncommon, so don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.
A simple online search turns up many sites offering erotic stories and explanations about impregnation fetishes. Most resources say that men enjoy the idea of impregnating their partners because it makes them feel potent and virile. Some people argue that human males have an animalistic need to spread their seed; thus, men with impregnation fantasies are simply acting out their most base instincts.

Talk with your man about his fantasy. Ask him questions about why he likes the idea of impregnating you and how he came to crave it. I don’t like playing in anyone’s fantasyland without knowing the terrain, plus it’s more erotic when you know the source of the kink. Also, let him know how you’re feeling — he won’t alter his behavior if he doesn’t know it’s bothering you.

The bottom line is, if you’re uncomfortable with this kink, don’t participate. Sex with your partner should make you feel good, not labored (pun intended). If you and your partner cannot come to a better understanding about this issue, it might be time for you to give birth to a new relationship.

Later, baby,
MM

What do you think?

Opinion Polls & Market Research

Is That A Cell Phone Tower In Your Pants?

Despite the World Health Organization's assertion that cell phones and their base stations are not likely to cause serious health risks in humans, some people are still worried that cell phone radiation will cause cancer — in their pants.

bit-tech.net reports that Swiss designers have come up with Slipaways — silver-threaded undies that will protect your junk from the harmful electromagnetic waves that shoot out of your cell phone. biz-tech.net says, "The Slipaways briefs are said to be so effective that any phone calls made in the confines of the underwear will completely fail to connect, though why anybody would try to make a phone call from within a pair of Swiss briefs is beyond us."

So far the Swiss company has only produced 4,000 pairs of Slipaways, and there's no word on when the briefs will be available in the US — until then, I guess you'll have to stop making calls from your pants.

Friday Fun

MSNBC recently came out with updated Internet porn statistics, and as you can probably guess, numbers are on the rise. I could list of all the facts and figures for you, but that would be boring. Instead, I'll let Kelle Marie and Good Magazine fill you in:

Spring Break

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I was with my first (and only) boyfriend for three years, but after an argument, he broke up with me. I was heartbroken, but then a week later he announced he wanted to get back together. Before I leapt back into the relationship, I wanted to be sure I wasn’t setting myself up for another disaster, so we decided to go on a “break” and see how we felt. During our few weeks apart, he was really bugging me, asking me nearly every day if I had made up my mind, because he only had eyes for me.

Eventually, I told him that I’d like to start over and take things slowly. He agreed and was ecstatic. However, shortly afterwards, I found out that he had slept with a mutual friend during our short “break.” I don’t know what to think; technically, we weren’t dating at the time. He has cheated before, but I gave him a second chance. Should I reconsider my decision?

Sincerely,
Lonely and Confused

Dear L&C,

You made the right decision by taking a break from him — but was it really a break? When a relationship enters troubled waters, it’s often smart to take a breather, clear your head and search your heart, but how could you do that with him pressuring you for answers?

Taking a break can create gray area and requires some strategic planning. Couples will often limit communication during their time apart, and they generally set ground rules for seeing other people. If you failed to do that, I would ordinarily say that he has a leg to stand on. But in his case, he should have told you about his sexual encounter before he allowed you to rekindle your relationship.

Some people say, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” I don’t know if that’s always true, but with his cheating past and current dishonesty, you need to take a real break from this relationship. Tell him you want a month apart with limited contact. You say this is your first and only relationship — perhaps you should agree to see other people and go out on some dates yourself. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and not all of them cheat and lie.

Kisses,
MM

On Deck: Double Entendres

I found this while getting my daily dose of Fleshbot, and I had to share. Last Friday, the Associated Press sent out the results of the Yankees/Rangers game with the headline "Yankees' Wang Hit Hard By Rangers."  The headline refers to Yankees' pitcher Chien-Ming Wang, but c'mon — I can't believe that no one caught that before press time. I guess we have a fellow perv or two at the AP?

Not be outdone by Wang, here's baseball's contribution to Mother's Day:

Just what mom wanted — a baseball bat to "tickle her pink." More info on Going to Bat Against Breast Cancer here.

What's Up, Spock?

One might guess that 76-year-old actor Leonard Nimoy, famous mostly for his role as Mr. Spock on Star Trek, would be retired, enjoying his riches and attending the odd Trekkie convention — not the case. Nimoy is an accomplished photographer, and his latest book of works, Full Body Project, is set to hit the streets this November.

Full Body Project features plus-sized women in the buff. As the New York Times reports, Nimoy is using his photography to combat media misrepresentations of what a woman should look like. He says, “The average American woman, according to articles I’ve read, weighs 25 percent more than the models who are showing the clothes they are being sold. . . So, most women will not be able to look like those models. But they’re being presented with clothes, cosmetics, surgery, diet pills, diet programs, therapy, with the idea that they can aspire to look like those people. It’s a big, big industry. Billions of dollars. And the cruelest part of it is that these women are being told, ‘You don’t look right.’ ”

Read more from the New York Times here. And if you're in Northampton, Massachusetts, you can swing by the R. Michelson Galleries and view the photos yourself.

Everlasting Love

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I’m gay and in a long-term relationship with a man I love. The sex is great, but I wish I could stay harder longer — as soon as I insert my banana into his split, it’s all over. I come instantly, leaving him wanting more. He turns me on so much that I can’t control myself.

I’ve seen a lot of information online about how to stay hard using desensitizing creams, but can you tell me what actually works?

Sincerely,
Floppy Joe

Dear F.J.,

While desensitizing creams are harmless and can do the trick, why would you want to decrease sensation during sex? These products contain lidocaine, the major ingredient in anti-itch creams and dental anesthetic. Sexy? I think not.

Instead of numbing your penis, practice controlling ejaculation on your own. Start by masturbating with a dry hand. Bring yourself close to orgasm, then back off. Keep yourself aroused, but do not allow yourself to ejaculate. Repeat this exercise for as long as you can stand it and be sure to take note of your body’s cues — the more you know about how your body works, the better you will become at controlling the “Big O.”

Once you’re better able to control orgasm with a dry-hand stroke, try the exercise with your favorite lube. The next step is to repeat this regiment with your partner, adding oral stimulation to your erection workout. Be sure to pay attention to your breathing and relaxation — men report a notable difference in ejaculation control when they add deep, deliberate breathing to lovemaking.

The old adage is true — practice does make perfect. If you set aside a little time for my recommended workout, you’ll be pumping more than iron in no time.

Everlasting love,
MM

Cable Guys

I learned something new today. I knew that the first gay kiss on television happened in the 90s on Will and Grace, but I didn't realize that the first gay cuddle scene was actually in the 80s on ABC's thirtysomething — and that the network lost millions in ad dollars over it.

I came across this interesting piece today via Fleshbot. AfterElton.com has put together a list of the most influential gay male sex scenes on television. It's no surprise that cable shows like Queer as Folk and Noah's Arc dominate the list (Will and Grace is progressive, but we have yet to see Will and Jack in a three-way romp with Karen), but the commentary and significance ratings for each scene make for an interesting read. . . and pictures are nice to look at, too.

Enjoy,
MM

Assless Chaps In the Windy City

The 29th annual International Mr. Leather Contest is harnessed up and ready go May 24 through May 28 (Memorial Day weekend) in Chicago. According to the website, IML began in the late seventies when 400 leathermen got together to name the first International Mr. Leather. Today, the contest is sponsored by Miller Beer and the weekend of activities — from a leather market to the Black and Blue Ball — is expected to draw upwards of 15,000 people. Leatherwomen are also honored in annual ceremonies, and the IML website clearly states that men, women and transgendered leatherfolk are welcome.

If you want to attend, you'll have to stay at the overflow hotel — The Palmer House is already sold out. For more details, visit IML. And for those of us who won't be able to gawk and drool over all the buff leathermen, I'm posting a photo of last year's winner, Bo Ladashevska (center), and the runners up. Please Sir, may I have another?

Roar,
MM

PS... Anyone know if Vermont will be represented at this year's competition?

More Travel Tips

According to its maker, this pleasurable tool "penetrates deep" with its "pressure-sensitive head" for an "outstanding sensory experience." A new vibrator? Guess again. It's my toothbrush.

The Oral-B Pulsar is a vibrating toothbrush designed to clean deep between teeth — but according to a friend of mine, it's also the best toy to travel with for a mile-high solo experience. On a recent plane ride, a particularly randy friend of mine popped open her new toothbrush for a mid-flight brushing but quickly repurposed the tool when she felt the intense buzz. . .

I've heard of people adding fresh produce, kitchen utensils and other assorted household items to their toy chests, but a toothbrush? Good thing they come in a 3-pack — one for your teeth and two for your pleasure.

-MM

Kiss Miss?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I recently dove headfirst back into the dating pool, and I have to admit that I’m a little out of practice. I’ve been out on a few dates so far. Most of them were bad, with the exception of one. She and I really hit it off. At the end of the date I wanted to kiss her, but I chickened out because I didn’t want to offend her by coming on too strong.

I know this question is probably lame in comparison to the other, juicier letters you receive, but is it OK to go in for the kiss on the first date?

Thanks,
Shy Guy

Dear S.G.,

No question about love or lust is too small to tackle. Besides, without courtship and kissing, we’d never get it on. Capiche?

I think kissing on the first date is fine, as long as a few key things are in place — undeniable chemistry, strong eye contact and blatant “kiss me” body language (if she’s touching your arm while she's talking to you and holding your gaze for moments at a time, she probably won’t cringe at a kiss).

To be safe, you should follow a few first-kiss rules. Firstly, compliment her. Tell her you had a great time with her and that you hope to see her again soon. Next, ask for the kiss. It’s extremely hot to hear, “I’d really like to kiss you right now.” She’ll either give you the go-ahead or explain why she prefers to wait. In which case, no harm done — you’ve given her the ultimate compliment.
And please, if she gives you permission to kiss her, go easy. Take your time. Pull her in close, touch her face and do not jam your tongue down her throat. Your first kiss should be sweet, and preferably closed mouthed.

Smooches,
MM

There's Hope For Me

I knew it. I was doing it right all along. . .

According to The Rough Guide to the Brain (yep, the same company that publishes travel guides is now taking you on a tour of the mind), having sex on the first date can actually increase your chances of having a long-term relationship. Author Dr. Barry Gibb writes, “During sex and particularly orgasm, the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin are released, which are associated with the build-up of commitment, bonding and trust.” Who knew?

I have turned many a one-night stand into a relationship, but looking back, the relationships never lasted very long — two months or so. When you sleep with someone right off the bat, you create a false sense of intimacy that can come back and bite you in the ass. In each of my one-night-stand relationships, we reached a point where we had to double back and start over again. It can be weird to be in a relationship with someone you haven't actually had a first date with — you're sharing heap loads of time and "intimacy" with someone who may not know your favorite color or where you were born. Don't get me wrong — I love my one-night stands with all the clumsy, sweaty, unbridled new-person fun, but the beauty of a one-night stand is that the person leaves in the morning.

For more hot debate on the subject, check out this article in The Sun where two sassy Brits argue the pros and cons of getting it on early.

What do you think? Can a relationship survive first-date sex? Leave me a comment with your thoughts — and remember, you can comment anonymously so no one will know you're reading smut at work.

xoxo,
MM