Geek Love

After seeing the Michael Showalter and Michael Ian Black comedy show last weekend at Higher Ground (you might remember Showalter and Black from The State on MTV or from Wet Hot American Summer), a straight, single gal pal of mine commented on the bevy of hot, seemingly single male geeks in attendance. You know what I mean when I say geek, right? I'm talking about the Lloyd Doblers of the world — the guys in high school who didn't play sports, didn't wear stylish clothes, played Dungeons and Dragons and never, ever got the girl (ok, Lloyd Dobler did — but he's John Cusack).

To all you single, straight women reading my blog, I've got a news flash for you: These are the men you want. They're all grown up now and smarter than the average single Neanderthal — plus, their disheveled look and horn-rimmed glasses are totally en vogue. Think about it, while all the jocks in high school spent their time trying to impress their buddies by ignoring you, the geeks were home — day after day, night after night — thinking about what they would do to you if just given the chance. They worshipped you, they jerked off to you — and now, they can be yours. You just have to know where to look. . .

Which brings me to my point: It's Geek Week in Montpelier! An 80's cover band, a mathematics challenge, Magic and all the hottest geeky gods and goddesses in Vermont. For more info, check out the latest vlog over at Stuck In Vermont. Go Eva!

If you can't make it to Montpelier this week, you can find eligible geeks in many other locations. They're buying vinyl at the indie music store and working at your friendly local Mac store — what are you waiting for? Just tell 'em Mistress Maeve sent you. . .

Flying Solo

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My live-in boyfriend is a chronic masturbator. I wouldn’t mind so much if he would also pay sexual attention to me more than three to four times per month. I've tried wearing kinky outfits for him and asking flat out for sex, but he would rather go online and masturbate to porn.  I don't care if he wants to masturbate, but kicking me out of the bedroom so he can jerk off to porn doesn't seem right.

I'm not a guy, so I don’t understand why men would want to look at a bunch of pixels on a screen, day after day, rather than touch a warm, ready, and willing person who loves them dearly. Please help me; I don’t know what to do.

Lost to Pixels

Dear L to P,

In general, I have no problem with men (or women, for that matter) who would prefer, every once in a while, to pop on some porn and get off solo-style. Let's face it — the idea of having sex with a partner after a long, stressful day at the office or with the kids can sometimes seem too laborious a task to undertake. Because getting off relieves tension and stress, couples should encourage masturbation for the betterment of their relationships.

That said, your man is doing it all wrong. Perhaps he's indulging his more prurient fetishes online? Whatever the reason, there's no excuse for kicking you out of the bedroom on a regular basis. The two of you need to have a serious talk. Calmly and without judgment, tell him how his actions are affecting you and your relationship. See what he has to say about his one-handed-typing escapades — he might reveal some of his own issues about the relationship. Most importantly, let him know that unless his solos become duets, you'll be singing a different tune all together.

Masturbation is great, but only when the outcome is blissful orgasm and not hurt feelings. Lay down the law about him laying you down — or leave him behind.

Kisses,
MM

Smut Buying in Burlington

It's a steamy 91 degrees in downtown Burlington today — a perfect day to buy Nina Hartley's Guide to Total Sex (yeah, I know it came out last October, but I've been waiting to read it until I could enjoy it at the beach with a cocktail, which I will be doing this weekend). If you don't know who Hartley is, she's an outspoken, sex-positive feminist porn star who's been in over 400 adult films since the mid-eighties. She's been on Oprah and graduated summa cum laude from San Francisco State's nursing school. All in all, she's pretty kick ass.

But, back to the point of this blog entry: Buying sex books in Vermont can be nerve-wracking — Burlington is a small city where everyone seems to know everyone. Even for someone as shameless about her sexuality as I am, I found myself feeling slightly uncomfortable standing in front of the "Erotica" section — perhaps it's because it's sandwiched between the psychology and self-help books like "Cutting: Understanding and Overcoming Self-Mutilation" and "The Celestine Prophecy." Whatever the reason, when a hot, tattooed chap came strolling down the aisle, I almost dropped Hartley's book, catching it loudly and letting out a little yelp — twice. Smooth.

Approaching the check-out, there were only two registers in use, and I had to skillfully maneuver my way to the cashier I didn't know. As the guy chirped about their online coupon program, I was wishing he'd just shut up and put my smut in a bag, and I kept nervously glancing over my shoulder to see if the woman behind me was checking out my titles (I also got She's On Top: Erotic Stories of Female Domination and Male Submission and Nerve.com's The Big Bang).

I suppose I could avoid feeling awkward and just buy my sex books online, but I'm a big fan of instant gratification — not shipping and handling. Besides, it's good to be bold. I can't hide behind this anonymous blog all the time.

Japanese Butts Cleaner Than Americans'

. . . but not for long.

Get ready, America — the Washlet is coming to a toilet near you. Since 1980, a company called TOTO has been manufacturing the Washlet — a heated toilet seat that cleans and dries your nether-regions after you do your business. Over 60 percent of homes in Japan already have the Washlet or similar products, and now TOTO is setting its sites on the US — starting with Times Square in New York City. On July 1, TOTO will launch its Clean Is Happy campaign by erecting a 2-story billboard of smiling butts over Times Square — oh, how cheeky!  And, hey — these butts have faces, too. I highly recommend checking out the Clean Is Happy website and the over-the-top, squeaky-clean actors who are paid to promote these toilet seats.

According to the website, you can get your very own Washlet at Blodgett Supply in Williston. Enjoy.

The Future of Phone Sex

Since sex and music go together like giant butt plugs and lube, you should also be reading Solid State — the Seven Days music blog written by our new Music Editor, Dan Bolles. His most recent post tickled my perverted funny bone enough to share it with you, my pervy playmates. Apparently Dan went to high school here in Vermont with a member of the budding comedy duo, The Stuckey and Murray Comedy Empire. Dan shares this Stuckey and Murray video on his blog (and I'm stealing it just for you).

Going Green — Everywhere

Have you ever smelled your dildo or butt plug and wondered, "What is that plastic-like odor?"

Well, according to TreeHugger.com, your sex toys smell funky because of the pthalates (a controversial family of chemicals) used in manufacturing, and you might want to think twice before sticking these toys in your various orifices. In this TreeHugger.com video, an exec from Babeland.com teaches us how to buy green when filling our adult toy chests.

Nervous Breakdown

What’s up, MM?

So, the other day, my girlfriend and I had sex for the first time together. It was great and very special, but neither of us could finish because the condom broke halfway through. Through a long series of events, I only had that one. Could you recommend a brand of condom that won’t break during sex? We’d both like to be able to orgasm without fear.

Thanks,
All Broken Up

Dear A.B.U,

It’s not uncommon to experience performance anxiety after a condom catastrophe. Particularly with new partners, fear of pregnancy and disease can turn even the firmest of phalluses into limp noodles. 

I can’t guarantee a brand of condom that won’t break, but if you follow the directions on the packaging, as well as these tips for safe condom usage, you should be good to go:

1. Make sure that your condom has not expired! If you don’t see a date on the packaging, choose a different rubber.

2. When it’s time to do the deed, do not try to impress your partner by ripping the condom open with your teeth while growling like a dog — you could tear a hole in it.

3. Only use water-based lubes — lotions, food products and Vaseline can compromise latex.

4. Finally, when it’s time to withdraw the penis, hold the base of condom in place to avoid slipping on the way out. 

One last thing — what kind of “events” would lead you to have only one condom at the ready for your big night? Gang bang? Condom water balloon toss? Whatever your proclivities, be sure to have a full pack at the ready for your next interlude.

Love and latex,
MM

Montpeculiar, Indeed

The folks at the Capitol movie theater in Montpelier may want to change their latest marquee configuration before Chris Hansen and Dateline NBC's "To Catch A Predator" show up.

Photo courtesy of Mitch Curren.

Cirque du so Gay

First of all, can we all agree that Cirque du so Gay is the best name for a party EVER?

The man whores over at Nancy Reagan's Decorator are presenting your official Pride party this year at Higher Ground on Saturday, July 7. The party will take over both rooms at Higher Ground and feature performances by Karen Grenier, Antara and the Chris' and Rue Mevlana. Of course, DJ Precious will be spinning, and you can expect scantily-clad go-go girls and boys shaking it late into the night.

You can get your gay on for free by visiting the Cirque du so Gay site and registering to win tickets.

Who Gets Custody?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My ex-wife and I parted ways four years ago. However, we have a child together, which requires us to have a continuing civil relationship. When we were still together, we invested in a variety of BDSM gear and other "toys." When we split up, ensuring an equitable distribution of our treasure chest was far from a priority.  Now, however, I'm wishing I had been more assertive. I have recently started dating someone who's interested in experimenting, and some of my old toys and gear would come in handy.  However, buying all new equipment is an expensive proposition. My ex-wife is not dating at all, and I am considering asking for my share of these items back. I am concerned that she will be offended, as my request will be a clear indication that I am sexually involved with someone else, and that I intend to use toys that we bought together in this new relationship. Although my sex life and relationships are none of my ex's business, I want to keep the peace because of our co-parenting obligations. Should I reclaim my stuff, or leave well enough alone?

Sincerely,
Toyless

Dear Toyless,

During a divorce, people divvy up everything from cars to kids, but no one likes to talk about the sex gear. Couples avoid discussing who gets to keep the love swing and nipple clamps because it's hurtful to think about one another having sex with other people.

In your case, forget about the toys. It's been four years since you split up — asking for the toys now is just plain tacky and will likely cause more hurt than it's worth. Besides, your new partner would probably prefer to play with toys that weren't previously used to get your ex-wife off. 

You're right, sex toys are expensive, but you don't have to outfit your new toy chest all at once. In fact, you have plenty of things around the house to get you started — hairbrushes and wooden spoons make great paddles, curtain chords and silk scarves double as restraints and don't forget the clothes pins and ice cubes for sensuous torture.

Happy gear gathering,
MM

Summer of Love

Have you heard about the upcoming Seven Days Singles Party happening on June 21 at Red Square?

The party gurus at Seven Days are shakin' things up this time around — no Speed Dating. Instead, everyone gets to participate in Swap Meet. Here's the deal: When you pay the $5 cover, Seven Days staffers will give you some Swap Meet "Moolah." Use the Moolah throughout the night to break the ice with potential dates. Want a phone number? That'll cost you some Moolah. Someone compliment you on your winning smile? You might pay them back with some Moolah. At the end of the night, the folks with the most Moolah will win some fab prizes. Get it?

Oh, and you can get a leg up on the competition by pre-registering for the event. Let us know you're coming, and we'll give you extra Moolah at the door!

C'mon, you know you want some summer lovin'. . .

Kisses,
MM

Breaststroke Pays Off For Beard

You might remember Amanda Beard — she was the 14-year-old Olympic swimmer who carried her teddy bear to the pool and proceeded to win two silver medals in 1996. Well, Beard is all grown up now, and you can see her 8-photo spread in the July issue of Playboy.

I always thought women posed in Playboy when they had nothing left to do, but Beard — now 25 — has no plans to leave the pool. Now a reigning gold medalist, Beard hopes to qualify for the 2008 Olympics in Beijing, and she's also hoping that her stint as a Playmate will psyche out the competition. She says on her website, "The more I can distract them from swimming, the better."

Regarding the inevitable "role model" issue that will undoubtedly plague her in the months (or years) to come, Beard tells the New York Times, “I’m healthy. I work out like crazy. I’m not one of those people that’s partying wee into the hours. This, I think, is a better role model than most.”

The July issue of Playboy is out now.

Splish, splash,
MM

R.U.1.2?

If you haven't checked out Cathy Resmer's post about the recent vandalism at the R.U.1.2? Queer Community Center, you should.

If you're reading this blog, I can only hope that you care about sexual freedom and expression; therefore, no matter what your orientation, you should care about what's happening to our queer community members. As Emma Lazarus said, "Until we are all free, we are none of us free."

Virgin Territory

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My girlfriend is a virgin, and I have never taken anyone’s virginity. Even though we’ve never had intercourse, we’re very open and communicative about sex. Of course I want to make love to her, but I’ve kept it to myself in an effort to not pressure her. However, she recently told me that she wants to make love to me. I want it to be special for her — something she won’t regret after saving herself for so long.

I know that it can hurt slightly when a woman first makes love. I have no idea what level of pain this is, and I’m kind of nervous about it. I would like to use a condom, but I’m also nervous about the latex and lube making it hurt more. I guess I’m mostly worried about her trusting me more than I could ever really know; I want to bear that trust without dropping the ball.

Thanks for any advice,
The Virgin Virgin

Dear VV,

Kudos to you for taking this situation seriously. A lesser man would simply do the deed, high-five his friends and look forward to the next conquest. When a woman manages to hold on to her virginity through her young adult life, it’s only fair that her first experience be a good one. As long as you truly care for this girl and see yourself staying with her well past this experience, I say go for it. However, if you’re not ready to take this relationship to the next level, do her a favor and keep her virginity intact.

And please — wear a condom. Her virginity doesn’t ensure your health, so play it safe. Besides, a little latex and lube will help things along. As for the pain factor, it varies from woman to woman, from mild discomfort to blood and tearing — a lot depends on the size of your member. Go slowly, communicate and assure her you’ll stop if she feels uncomfortable.

And keep in mind — this will not be your shining porno moment. No matter how open she is about sex, her first time should be more like The Notebook and less like Debbie Does Dallas.

With a cherry on top,
MM

Rock and Roll

I have a new crush, and her name is Beth Ditto. She's the brash, unapologetic, larger-than-life front woman for the band The Gossip, and she posed nude for this month's cover of NME Magazine.

It's not difficult to see the impact of this magazine cover — Ditto is a plus-sized girl bearing it all in a culture that works to hide bodies like hers, not show them off. However, if she wants to continue building a fan base for her band, she should probably stop saying things like this when talking about fat culture: "If there's anyone to blame for size zero, it's not women. Blame gay men who work in the fashion industry and want these women as dolls. Men don't know what it feels like to be a woman and be expected to look a particular way." While Ditto may have a point, I think she should take a good look at her demographic — the gays have been supporting plus-sized songstresses for many years, particularly those who strut it like a drag queen.

You go, girl.
MM

For more Ditto, check out this live performance from The Gossip:

Getting Off. . . Again

Thanks to those of you who took the masturbation poll — looks like most of us are in the 3-5 times per week category (you horny little buggers!). As for the 2.6% of you who don't whack off at all — who are you? Why not? I need more information.

The poll prompted one of my Seven Days cohorts to ask me, "Do you get yourself off more or less when you're having sex on a regular basis?" My answer is more — way more. If I'm having great sex with a partner, it's nearly all I can think about; thus, I need more relief. And especially in the beginning of new sexual relationships, when you're just making out and teasing each other to death, I can't even roll out of bed and start my day without taking care of business.

So, how about another poll? We did just finish National Masturbation Month. . .

When you're lucky enough to be having sex with another human being, what happens to your self pleasuring schedule?

Opinion Polls & Market Research