Nervous Breakdown

What’s up, MM?

So, the other day, my girlfriend and I had sex for the first time together. It was great and very special, but neither of us could finish because the condom broke halfway through. Through a long series of events, I only had that one. Could you recommend a brand of condom that won’t break during sex? We’d both like to be able to orgasm without fear.

Thanks,
All Broken Up

Dear A.B.U,

It’s not uncommon to experience performance anxiety after a condom catastrophe. Particularly with new partners, fear of pregnancy and disease can turn even the firmest of phalluses into limp noodles. 

I can’t guarantee a brand of condom that won’t break, but if you follow the directions on the packaging, as well as these tips for safe condom usage, you should be good to go:

1. Make sure that your condom has not expired! If you don’t see a date on the packaging, choose a different rubber.

2. When it’s time to do the deed, do not try to impress your partner by ripping the condom open with your teeth while growling like a dog — you could tear a hole in it.

3. Only use water-based lubes — lotions, food products and Vaseline can compromise latex.

4. Finally, when it’s time to withdraw the penis, hold the base of condom in place to avoid slipping on the way out. 

One last thing — what kind of “events” would lead you to have only one condom at the ready for your big night? Gang bang? Condom water balloon toss? Whatever your proclivities, be sure to have a full pack at the ready for your next interlude.

Love and latex,
MM