Who Gets Custody?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My ex-wife and I parted ways four years ago. However, we have a child together, which requires us to have a continuing civil relationship. When we were still together, we invested in a variety of BDSM gear and other "toys." When we split up, ensuring an equitable distribution of our treasure chest was far from a priority.  Now, however, I'm wishing I had been more assertive. I have recently started dating someone who's interested in experimenting, and some of my old toys and gear would come in handy.  However, buying all new equipment is an expensive proposition. My ex-wife is not dating at all, and I am considering asking for my share of these items back. I am concerned that she will be offended, as my request will be a clear indication that I am sexually involved with someone else, and that I intend to use toys that we bought together in this new relationship. Although my sex life and relationships are none of my ex's business, I want to keep the peace because of our co-parenting obligations. Should I reclaim my stuff, or leave well enough alone?

Sincerely,
Toyless

Dear Toyless,

During a divorce, people divvy up everything from cars to kids, but no one likes to talk about the sex gear. Couples avoid discussing who gets to keep the love swing and nipple clamps because it's hurtful to think about one another having sex with other people.

In your case, forget about the toys. It's been four years since you split up — asking for the toys now is just plain tacky and will likely cause more hurt than it's worth. Besides, your new partner would probably prefer to play with toys that weren't previously used to get your ex-wife off. 

You're right, sex toys are expensive, but you don't have to outfit your new toy chest all at once. In fact, you have plenty of things around the house to get you started — hairbrushes and wooden spoons make great paddles, curtain chords and silk scarves double as restraints and don't forget the clothes pins and ice cubes for sensuous torture.

Happy gear gathering,
MM