Breathing Is Hot

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My boyfriend and I have a great sex life, but he travels a lot for work, and I’m left to fend for myself. I’m getting bored with the same masturbation routine, and I’m hoping you can help me make things more interesting. I’ve heard other guys talk about autoerotic asphyxiation, but I’ve also heard the horror stories about people accidentally killing themselves. Can you tell me how to try it out safely?

Thanks,
Breathless Boy

Dear BB,

I can’t tell you how to try Autoerotic Asphyxia (AeA) safely, because it’s just not possible. AeA is far too risky, no matter how “boring” your solo sex life has become. People into AeA most commonly use self-strangulation to deprive their brains of oxygen during the act of masturbation — the idea being that the lack of oxygen and blood flow to the brain will intensify sexual sensations, produce lightheadedness and translate into better orgasms. While that sounds delightful, AeA can also cause cardiac arrest, seizures, windpipe and larynx damage, stroke and death, without any warning to the practitioner. Not hot.

Instead of risking your life for a good orgasm, why don’t you try some less dangerous techniques? Masturbate with a butt plug in, talk dirty to yourself, watch yourself get off in the mirror — or do all three at the same time. If it’s the rush of danger you seek, why not take advantage of the Internet and all its prurient offerings? Set up a camera, film yourself masturbating from the neck down, then post it on XTube.com (the X-rated version of YouTube — and definitely NOT work-friendly). You can even surprise your traveling boyfriend with a link to your video adventure. And while you’re at it, send me the link, too. . .

In solo solidarity,
MM