It's a bird, it's a plane. . .

It's a gigantic condom floating over the Netherlands!

As concertgoers rocked at the Zwarte Cross music festival in Lichtenvoorde, a pink hot air balloon in the shape of a condom flew overhead, emblazoned with the words "Vrij Veilig" (Dutch for "Safe Sex"). A public health service organization launched the balloon at the festival in hopes of bringing the message to young people.

Now that's a message filled with a lot more than hot air.

Reminding you to wrap it up,
MM

Introducing Rick & Steve

Logo (MTV's gay stepchild) launched a new animated series in July called "Rick & Steve: The Happiest Gay Couple in All the World." Critics are calling "Rick & Steve" a gay "South Park" — an apt comparison, indeed. In the same way that "South Park" twists cultural stereotypes into shocking comedic genius, "Rick & Steve" derives its humor from the perceptions and labels found within the queer community (and, the animation is about as "good").

The most jolting joke so far occurs when the surly vegetarian butch lesbian announces, "Hey, Rolaids" when an HIV-positive man in a wheelchair comes through the door. Get it? "Roll Aids?"

Funny? You be the judge:

Back Talk

Dear Maeve,

Oh, wise sex goddess, please help me. My girlfriend and I have been going out for a few months. The sex is OK, but I’m a man who needs a little more pizzazz. I think I’ve pinpointed the problem: She doesn’t talk during sex. She moans a little, but that’s about it. I’ve never been a big talker, but my exes have been dirty motor mouths. How do I get my new girlfriend to filthy talk while we’re getting it on?

Love,
Silent But Deadly

Dear SBD,

Being that I’m the queen of tawdry talk, you’ve come to the right place.

Forget filthy — you need to start with the basics. You say you’re not a big talker, but if you want to turn your bashful beauty into Chatty Cathy, the onus is on you to facilitate the first rounds of raunch. Begin by softly telling her about all the things you’re about to do to her. And for goodness’ sake, use her language — if she calls it her “coochie,” you shouldn’t call it her “cockpit.” Next, encourage her to describe how it feels as you perform those naughty acts. Ask questions; a breathy “yes” or “no” answer can be as hot as a string of salacious sentences.

Once you’ve opened her mind (and her mouth), experiment with positions that ratchet up the naughty factor. For instance, I tend to be a sensuous moaner in the more intimate missionary position — but bend me over, and I’ll swear like a sailor.

Also, try warming her up using today’s technology. Get her to email or text you her dirty thoughts, then tell her how much you want to hear her say them aloud.

Kisses,
MM

All Dolled Up

In 2005, BBC News projected that the Japanese population would fall from 128 million to 100 million by 2050. I think I know why.

In the video below, you'll meet Ta-Bo — a 45-year-old Japanese engineer who claims to have spent $170,000 on nearly 100 love dolls over the past decade. He's not alone — Reuters reports a growing popularity among Japanese men for these realistic sex dolls. Ta-Bo explains, "A human girl can cheat on you or betray you sometimes. But these dolls never do those things. They belong to me, 100 percent." Uh. Ok.

Believe me, I'm all for trying new and innovative toys to spice up your sex life — but replacing human interaction altogether? No thanks.

The factory featured in the video manufactures nine different love dolls. The high-end dolls — the ones made out of silicon with a metal skeleton and 35 joints to make her bend like the real thing — can cost up to $6,000.

I suppose if the average first date costs between $50 and $100, you could have a doll paid for in 60-120 bad dates. Not a bad trade-off for some of you, I'd imagine?

Kisses,
MM

And for those of you who don't think these dolls are just a little creepy, a second video:

Sizing You Up

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I’m 6’2” with big hands and big feet. In fact, everything about me is big, except for one thing — my penis. I guess I’m just cursed. Even though I’m decent looking and have helped many women achieve orgasm during penetration, I’m still concerned about my average size (OK, maybe below average). I have tried to make up for my shortcomings by providing other forms of pleasure, like giving really good oral and working on my stamina. It seems like everything I read says women want a large man. Is my penis size something I should worry about, or am I just being paranoid?

Sincerely,
Strong But Not Long

Dear SBNL,

With all the email spam and advertising touting the next wonder drug to super-size your schlong, it’s no wonder that average-sized guys feel inadequate. But the truth is, when it comes to her orgasm, you should be working those well-hung hands or skilled tongue on her clitoris — not trying to push her over the edge with intercourse.

Some sexual positions are easier if your trouser snake can slither an extra inch or two, but aside from that, you can work with what you’ve got. Besides, I’ve had guys with gigantic members, and let me tell you — the sensation of a hard penis bumping into your cervix is about as pleasant as nails on a chalkboard.

Explore positions that are sure to stroke her G-spot, like doggie-style, her on top or missionary with her ankles on your shoulders — you’ll feel like a buckin’ bronco instead of a miniature pony. And don’t forget — most vaginal nerve endings are found at her opening, so try some shallow strokes to drive her wild.

Bringing her to orgasm is the ultimate destination — how you get there doesn’t matter. Continue to bone up on your oral skills, and, if she’s still looking for girth, reach for a dildo — then you can provide her with whatever size she’s after.

Downsizing,
MM

Welcome to the Cone Zone

I've had my Cone for weeks and am just now getting around to writing about it — I guess you could say I've been sitting on this one. With over 16 pulsating speeds and more than a dozen ways to use the Cone, I needed ample research time.

At first glance, the Cone looks too gimmicky — I thought the Cone's maker, Twisted Products, was out to make a fast buck with its snappy packaging, smart marketing and unorthodox shape (it looks more like a piece of modern coffee table art than a sex toy). Boy, I was wrong — the Cone turned out to be one sexy surprise. The idea is pretty basic: With it's rounded pyramid shape, one has a lot of vibrating surface area to grind on — enough that women can enjoy both outer-vaginal and clitoral stimulation at the same time.

The best thing about the Cone is its flat base — you can set it on any level surface for a hands-free masturbatory experience (so much better than having to hold a traditional vibrator or fumble around with a suction cup dildo). I find this feature particularly pleasing for viewing porn online — no more one-handed navigating. I was able to click all over my favorite site without interruption, which led to a quicker, more satisfying orgasm. Plus, hands free means it's a great choice for couples. If you're the type who can walk and chew gum at the same time, I suggest crouching on the Cone while your hands are busy on your partner.

Only a few gripes about the Cone — having 16 speeds is nice, but I find it too easy to accidentally hit the button and switch to a less-desirable setting, leaving no choice but to flip through all 16 to get back to my favorite pulse. Bummer. Also, the Cone isn't waterproof (but I hear Twisted Products is working on an Aqua-Seal to sell as an add-on). Oh, and watch out for that pointy tip — I got a little too excited and had a less-than-stimulating clitoral run-in with that spiky bugger!

Overall, I say the Cone is worth the shipping and handling. You can get a Cone of your own at www.conezone.org. Even my gay male friends were curious to try the Cone on their bums and taints. Regretfully, I haven't tried the Cone out on any of my male playmates. Volunteers?

Kisses,
MM

In Case You Missed It. . .

Bill O'Reilly strikes again. On June 23, O'Reilly dutifully educated his Fox News audience about a new epidemic in America — pink pistol-packing lesbian gangs.

According to O'Reilly's guest, Fox News Crime Analyst Rod Wheeler, these groups — set up like sororities — use violence and crime to recruit young women into lesbianism. Wheeler also says, "We've actually counted, just in the Washington D.C. area alone, that's Washington D.C., Maryland, and Virginia, well over 150 of these crews."

How anyone can think this is real news is beyond me. Thankfully, media watchdog groups and fearless newspeople like Keith Olbermann are keeping O'Reilly in check. According to the Southern Poverty Law Center's Intelligence Project, authorities confirmed only 150-175 gangs total in the D.C. area, with only one so-called lesbian gang.

Furthermore, The Intelligence Project outs Rod Wheeler as "a member of Jericho City of Praise, a conservative Christian megachurch in Landover, Md., whose leadership publicly advocates against equal rights for gays and lesbians." Glad to see Fox News is upholding its stellar reputation for unbiased news analysis. . .

You can read the rest of the Intelligence Project's findings here. You can watch Bill O'Reilly make a mockery of journalism here:

You're Gonna Pay For This. . .

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I recently went on a first dinner date with a guy. I liked everything about him — until the bill came. He grabbed the check, studied it, and then told me what I owed for my half of the dinner. I don’t consider myself old-fashioned, and I can certainly afford to pay for my half of dinner — so why am I so bothered by this?

Sincerely,
Cheap Date

Dear CD,

Shake it off and get with the times, sister. Men have had to sharpen their tactical skills to better navigate the dating minefield, where “Who pays for the first date?” is usually the first ambush. I feel bad for guys these days — some women expect them to pay, while others are insulted by the notion. To make matters muddier, most straight women fall somewhere in between. An informal poll of my friends and colleagues turned up answers like “Well, it all depends on who instigated the date,” “The guy can get the dinner, but then the girl should get the movie,” and my personal favorite, “Sometimes I pretend to go for my purse, but I’m secretly hoping he’ll offer to pay.”

What the . . . ?! How are men supposed to know what to do? At this rate, we’re lucky people will still agree to date without written contracts.

Don’t dismiss this guy just because he asked you to pay your half of the bill. In this world of mannies and stay-at-home dads, gender roles are shifting — and that includes first-date etiquette. You claim to be a progressive, successful woman — perhaps he picked up on that and didn’t want to blow his chances with you by coming off as a sexist jerk.

With my two cents,
MM

Does This T-Shirt Make Me Look Hot?

Seven Days is searching for the next great promotional T-shirt, and we need your help. We've narrowed down the choices — from over 150 reader submissions — to a handful of mighty cool designs, and we need your help to choose the winner. Choose wisely — the winner gets a new MacBook from Dominion Tech!

Personally I think there should be a T-shirt featuring yours truly, but alas. . .

Happy Voting,
MM

Why Must I Be A (Queer) Teenager In Love?

I had my first round of sex education class in fifth grade while attending public school in New England. We learned all about the birds and bees — how a penis and vagina go together, how women have babies with adoring husbands by their sides. But what about the the bees who like to do it with other bees? And the birds who choose never to have babies?

Looking back now, I can see that my teacher was clearly uncomfortable with the subject matter (she was "roommates" with the women's field hockey and softball coach). Frankly, I don't remember much mention of queer issues during my formative years — oh, except that short chapter called something like, "My Uncle and His Friend, Bob" in the sex education book my mom gave me.  The chapter talked about this girl's Uncle and his friend, Bob, who would take the youngster to the amusement park sometimes. Okay — so gays like cotton candy and never have kids of their own? Right.

Thankfully, times have changed. I wouldn't necessarily say that queer issues get equal time in public schools, but for many queer youth — it's better than in my day. And if queer teenagers want more sex education, focused on how to be safe and know their own limits, they can turn to Outright Vermont, whose mission is to build safe, healthy, and supportive environments for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer, and questioning youth. Outright is hosting The Summer Sex Institute, suitable for queer youth from high school to 22 years of age. The program will host weekly sessions on everything from Coming Out and Flirting 101 to HIV 101. Sessions start this week, and you can find the full schedule here. If you know a GLBTQ youth, consider letting them know about the program — it's important stuff.

Kisses,
MM

Gay It Up

If you didn't already know — it's Pride time in Vermont!  Activities are already under way, and you can get the full schedule of events at Pride Vermont. And whatever you do, don't miss the Cirque du So Gay at Higher Ground tomorrow night (I hear the go-go boys and girls will be wearing American Apparel briefs. . . and not much else).

Flaming lips,
MM

Breathing Is Hot

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My boyfriend and I have a great sex life, but he travels a lot for work, and I’m left to fend for myself. I’m getting bored with the same masturbation routine, and I’m hoping you can help me make things more interesting. I’ve heard other guys talk about autoerotic asphyxiation, but I’ve also heard the horror stories about people accidentally killing themselves. Can you tell me how to try it out safely?

Thanks,
Breathless Boy

Dear BB,

I can’t tell you how to try Autoerotic Asphyxia (AeA) safely, because it’s just not possible. AeA is far too risky, no matter how “boring” your solo sex life has become. People into AeA most commonly use self-strangulation to deprive their brains of oxygen during the act of masturbation — the idea being that the lack of oxygen and blood flow to the brain will intensify sexual sensations, produce lightheadedness and translate into better orgasms. While that sounds delightful, AeA can also cause cardiac arrest, seizures, windpipe and larynx damage, stroke and death, without any warning to the practitioner. Not hot.

Instead of risking your life for a good orgasm, why don’t you try some less dangerous techniques? Masturbate with a butt plug in, talk dirty to yourself, watch yourself get off in the mirror — or do all three at the same time. If it’s the rush of danger you seek, why not take advantage of the Internet and all its prurient offerings? Set up a camera, film yourself masturbating from the neck down, then post it on XTube.com (the X-rated version of YouTube — and definitely NOT work-friendly). You can even surprise your traveling boyfriend with a link to your video adventure. And while you’re at it, send me the link, too. . .

In solo solidarity,
MM

iLust

As if I wasn't turned on enough just by watching the promo videos for Apple's new iPhone, now Digital Playground has announced porn downloads specially formatted for the iPhone's screen. DP is teaming up with Adult DVD Empire to immediately offer 158 full-length movie trailers for free — not a bad marketing scheme, considering Apple's Steve Jobs estimates they'll sell 10 million iPhones over the next year. You can check out all the news at Digital Playground here, but be careful — this site might be a little racy for the workplace.

I guess those of us in Vermont will have to wait to watch our porn on the iPhone, since we're the only state without any access to AT&T Wireless, formerly Cingular (the exclusive carrier of the iPhone). Guess I'll just have to get my porn the old-fashioned way (again, link not suitable for cubicle viewing).