I Spy With My Little Eye. . .

For those of you reading in Vermont, don't miss next week's I Spy Live event next Wednesday, September 5 at Nectar's in Burlington.

What is I Spy Live, you ask? Well, I'll tell you. . .

I Spy Live is an interactive singles party — much more fun than your average singles night and not as intense as Speed Dating. Here's how it works: Everyone gets a number badge when you walk through the door. When you spy a sexy single, write a message to his/her number on the slips provided, hand it in to the Seven Days staff, and they'll post your message on Nectar's big t.v. screen. (With the little slips of paper, it's almost like erotic karaoke.)

Get it? It's a really fun way to flirt and strike up conversation with a lady or gent you find attractive.

The first 50 people to pre-register for I Spy Live will receive a free "I Spy Me" t-shirt. Plus, Seven Days will be giving out some fabulous prizes from Sugarbush Resort, Imago and Merrill's Roxy Cinemas.

Oral Support

Mistress Maeve,

Hetero guy here with a minor problem. I enjoy giving oral quite a lot, and I’d love to be better at it. My problem is that I have trouble getting feedback from my current girlfriend on the topic; my questions on the finer points seem to hit a brick wall with her. I do the usual “tongue on clit, fingers in vagina” routine, and she says it’s “fine.”

You’d think, for obvious reasons, that she’d have an interest in helping me improve my skills, but she just doesn’t seem to care about it as much as I do. I’m not really sure if the problem is rooted more in sexuality or communication, but I’d be grateful for any advice.

Thanks,
MH

Dear MH,

Have you ever considered that you’re doing just “fine?"

When a partner goes down on me, I don’t need any fancy Cirque du Soleil acrobatics of the tongue. Give me constant pressure on my clit with the tongue, some penetration with the fingers and — voilà! — amazing orgasm every time.

Men (and women, too) can focus too much on the theatrics of sex and lose sight of what’s truly mind-blowing — knowing what your partner needs to bring him or her to orgasm. If your girlfriend is having orgasms and isn’t giving you notes on your performance, perhaps you should take it as a compliment.

Don’t get me wrong: There’s something to be said for switching up your routine. But instead of suggesting an oral lesson to enhance her pleasure, ask her to open up for your sake. Some people respond better when they feel they’re accommodating their partner. If she knew it would turn you on and fulfill your needs, maybe she wouldn’t stop at “fine.”

Orally yours,
MM

P.S. I know some of you will have even more advice for MH (and more room than I had in the paper to respond), so have at it — show me whatcha got. Remember, you can comment anonymously, just skip the email field.

I Got Your Back(side)

There's a definite learning curve to this sex blogging thing. Like, for instance, do you know that August is Anal Sex Month? And here I was thinking every month was anal sex month. I found out through MySpace, and if you're not my friend yet — request me.

Ironically, I just received my copy of The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women 2nd Edition by Tristan Taormino in the mail. I had no idea my purchase was so apropos. I can't wait to crack it open, so to speak. With chapters like Our Asses, Ourselves: Anal Anatomy and Butt Bondage: Long-Term Butt Plug Wear, it promises to be a good read.

To help you celebrate Anal Sex Month, here's a list of facts about anal sex from Good Vibrations.

1. Anal intercourse is the least frequently practiced form of anal sex.
2. Anal stimulation, including intercourse, is not painful if done properly.
3. Anal sex can be enjoyed even if it has been consistently uncomfortable in the past.
4. Two muscle rings called sphincters surround the anal opening. Each functions independently.
5. Anal stimulation provides many kinds of pleasure.
6. Anal stimulation can lead to orgasm.
7. Diet contributes to the enjoyment of anal sex.
8. Different rules of hygiene apply to the vagina and rectum.
9. Anal intercourse is not necessarily a form of dominance and submission.
10. Anal sex can be perfectly safe, even beneficial.

Get more details about these fun facts at GoodVibes.com. Do you have some anal facts to share? Planing to celebrate Anal Sex Month? Leave a comment. (You can comment anonymously — just make up a clever name and skip the email field.)

Behind you all the way,
MM

Workin' (It) For the Weekend

My recent entry about sex and time of day sparked some interesting conversation about using midday sex acts as a sort of "fuck you" to your employer — like, if you go home and have sex at noon, you're somehow cooler than that crappy customer service or gofer job you're stuck in.

But, what if you don't have a partner? I suppose going home, watching some porn and masturbating could do the trick — but I'm wondering how many of you have taken it further.

I want to know: Have you ever masturbated at work?

Opinion Polls & Market Research

Note: My editor tells me that you will, naturally, want to know if I've masturbated at work. Since one of my employers reads this blog, I'm pleading the 5th. You, however, should elaborate in the comments section. You can comment anonymously — just make up a clever name and skip the email field.

Brattleboro, Where It Can All Happen

With a town slogan like, "Where it can all happen," I suppose we shouldn't be surprised that the Brattleboro Selectboard voted against a proposed ordinance that would permanently ban "the showing of the human male or female genitals, pubic area or buttocks with less than a full opaque covering, or the showing of the female breast with less than a fully opaque covering of any portion of the areola."

The vote took place this week after a heated debate between area residents and members of the Selectboard. The Smoking Gun was there, and you can read six pages of notes and minutes on the debate, including a minister stating that seeing nude bodies will drive young men to sin and a guy from Moretown, Vermont citing bible verses. (Why do they allow non-Brattleboro residents to quote the bible at town meetings?)

Selectboard members who voted to ban the ordinance made some solid, thought-provoking arguments. According to The Smoking Gun's note taker, a Selectperson said that by criminalizing prostitution and drug abuse, we've actually made them more attractive. Further, criminalizing nudity will likely only provoke more individuals into violating the ordinance.

Naked In Vermont has a link for Brattleboro, but no official reaction to the vote yet. I'll keep you posted.

xoxo,
MM

Got A Case of the Blues?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Is “blue balls” a real condition? If so, can my boyfriend suffer any real medical consequences from it?

Thanks,
Curious Girl

Dear CG,

Here’s the true blue answer: Yes, blue balls is a real condition. As for medical ramifications — not likely.

Here’s the rub: When the scrotum and penis become engorged with blood, it’s called vasocongestion — or just an erection. When the guy has an orgasm, the blood flow returns to normal, and he becomes flaccid pretty soon afterward. When the erection is prolonged and not followed by an orgasm, the blood takes a while to drain from the area and can cause an aching, heavy feeling in the groin. Very unpleasant, but he won’t die from it (no matter how much he complains). Some guys — think junior high — will try to persuade unwilling partners to perform sex acts to alleviate the pain. Nice try, fellas.

Curious Girl, if your boyfriend is trying to pull the blue-ball guilt trip on you, kindly tell him that he can deal with the discomfort himself by rubbing one out solo. (Then you should probably find a new boyfriend.)

What most people don’t realize is that ladies can also suffer the effects of vasocongestion. When blood is not ushered out of the sexy bits by orgasm, women can feel the same heaviness and aching that men experience with blue balls. Fortunately, the solution is just as simple — get yourself off, and you won’t be blue any longer.

Blue by You,
MM

P.S. Got some feedback? Leave a comment (you can leave it anonymously — just skip the email field).

Pardon Me, Do You Have the Time?

A dear friend told me the other day that he loves going home at lunchtime and having a quick romp in the sheets with his parter. (I informed him that we call this event a "nooner.") He has a soul-draining customer service job, so I can understand his need to refuel with goodness half way through.

Me? I can't do nooners. By "can't do," I mean that I could, would and have for the right person — but it's not my usual cup of tea. It's difficult to bust out of the hectic 9-5 schedule for a quickie without thinking of the piles of phone calls and emails waiting for me. Boring? Perhaps. At least I'm honest — my mind and body just doesn't respond well to sexual stimuli halfway through the workday.

This realization got me wondering: When does my body most want to have sex? 

My answer varies depending on the day of the week, which I'm sure will be the case for many of you. Between work, working out, meetings, kids, schedules, etc — it can change daily. During the week, I would ideally have sex in the early evening, say 7 p.m. I've left the workday behind (maybe I've had a cocktail), and I haven't yet begun to stress about the following morning's meetings or deadlines. I feel most able to give of myself in the early evening, plus I still have enough energy left to be creative and fun (as opposed to later in the evening when I'm tired). The best part is — when the sex is over, I still have time to eat ice cream and watch The Daily Show. Perfect evening.
 

On the weekends, without fail, I am uncontrollably horny two hours after I wake up. If I wake up at 8am, I have to get off at 10 a.m. If I wake up at 9 a.m., it's 11am and so on. So, be careful if you're taking me to brunch.

Now I want to hear from you. What time of day does your body most want to have sex? (The polls are separated by gender, so scroll down if you identify as a man.)

Opinion Polls & Market Research

Opinion Polls & Market Research

Put the Needle On the Record (and Pass the Poppers)

A friend sent me a link today to the top 10 most gay record sleeves of all time. Hilarious.

Happy Friday,
MM

UPDATE: Unfortunately, this resource has been moved and/or changed. Sorry — I guess the level of fabulousness was just too high.

Be My Friend

. . . and that's an order.

I've joined the MySpace revolution. Yes, yes, I know — Rupert Murdoch is decidedly not sexy, but what's a sex blogger to do? MySpace is full of luscious people, writers, sex toy companies, porn makers (and some pretty darn good alternative porn makers, at that), etc.

Click over to my page, check out some of my fab friends and request to be my friend. I know you can't see what I look like, but that doesn't mean I can't see you (sounds naughty, doesn't it?).

Kisses,
MM

P.S. Have you checked out the comments on Sexperienced, Sexperienced, the Sequal and Butt, Of Course this week? Hot damn, I knew you had it in you! Keep those smart and sexy comments comin'.

Butt, Of Course

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My boyfriend recently told me that his ex-girlfriend used to stick her finger in his butt while giving him oral sex. I’m assuming he’d like me to do it, too, since he told me about it. I’m a little hesitant because I’ve never done it before. I’m nervous about it being messy (eww!), and I have long fingernails. (I don’t want to hurt him or cut my manicured nails.)

Advice? Tips?

L.P.

Dear L.P.,

First things first: If you’re going to play with his ass, get over your fear of shit. Here’s a quick anatomy lesson: Feces collects in the colon and only enters the rectum shortly before you feel the need to go number two. So, as long as he has a bowel movement prior to anal play, you’re only likely to encounter trace amounts of feces. Keep a towel or baby wipe close by to clean up any minor messes that may occur.

In addition, wear rubber gloves (get the powder-free kind). Wearing gloves will not only shield your delicate hands from any unsightly messes, but it will also help protect the sensitive skin of his ass from your manicured lady claws. For added protection, wrap your finger with a bandage or gauze before slipping on the glove. (You can also stuff the tip with a cotton ball.)

Once your finger is suited up and properly lubricated with plenty of water-based lube, you’re prepared for pleasure. Now, don’t just jam your finger in there; do what we wish every man would do and take your time. Warm him up with some oral and let your tongue explore his nether regions. Tease him with your finger and, if you’re so inclined, make him beg for it. Insert your finger slowly and savor the power of being the giver of penetration, rather than the receiver. 

From there, if he’s a good partner, he’ll guide you and show you what he likes. All you have to do is “back” him up.

Behind you all the way,
MM

P.S. Have a rebuttle? Post your comments for everyone to see (you can comment anonymously — just skip the email field and make up an amusing fake name).

Sexperienced, The Sequel

My post yesterday regarding sexual experience produced a flurry of emails containing opinions and follow-up questions. (In the future, it would be a lot sexier for you to leave your comments and questions here on the blog for other readers to see. You can comment anonymously — just make up a name and skip the email address). I even got an email from Rachel Kramer Bussel herself (I was all aflutter).

A few readers weighed in on whether or not it's better to have a sexual partner with more or less experience. The consensus (of the male variety) is that you want a saint in the streets and a slut in the sheets. Meaning, it's okay for your partners to know what they're doing sexually, so long as they don't flaunt it all over town while they're with you.

That's understandable, I suppose, but a word of advice: If your partner is a sex kitten, don't stifle it — encourage it. Instead of being all jealous and insecure, take that slut out on the town. As long he or she is respectful of the boundaries of your relationship, you'll be in for one wild night.

So, I thought I'd ask the rest of you: How experienced do you want your partner to be? (Feel free to elaborate in the comments section.)

Opinion Polls & Market Research

Sexperienced

I could listen to Rachel Kramer Bussel — sex writer, editor and blogger extraordinaire — talk about sex all day long. And now, through the magic of YouTube and the Internet, I can.

Sitting in the heat of my apartment yesterday, I came across this clip of Bussel from her erotic reading series in New York City called In the Flesh (sometimes I really wish I lived in NYC). Listening to her talk about sex, relationships and such, I was reminded of a topic that's come up for me numerous times in recent months: Do the men I sleep with think I'm a slut? In particular, do the "nice guys" I embark on relationships with think I'm too experienced?

Here's why I ask: I am really good at sex. In particular, I'm really good at giving head. And no matter how good an imagination a guy might have, there's only one way I came to be this good — lots and lots of practice.

Of course, he should be thinking, "Wow. I am a lucky man." Unfortunately, that's not always the case. I had one ask me once: "Hey, you're really good at that. You must have been popular in high school?"

I laughed and proudly said, "Yeah, I was."

I thought we were both okay with my sexual past, but, little by little, I started to get the idea that he'd prefer to think of my blow job technique as some sort of Immaculate Gift handed down by. . . who? Mary Magdalen? Well, I did go to Catholic School. . .

He didn't want to talk about my past sexual experiences — even the really juicy ones. He was uncomfortable with my sexual history, yet he wasn't uncomfortable with my stellar blow jobs. I finally got wise to his feelings and wished him luck finding a more virtuous — yet just as satisfying — partner. 

So, here's my point — Bussel likes to suck cock, and so do I. I will not make apologies for blow jobs past and — in case you find yourself in my same banana boat — neither should you.

Enjoy the clip. WARNING: Audio not suitable for work or children, so put on your headphones.

F-Cup Cookies

Remember that episode of Punky Brewster where Margaux tells Cherie and Punky that eating cheese puffs will increase the size of their chests? Given that Soleil Moon Frye, the actress who played Punky, ended up having a breast reduction at age 15, perhaps Margaux was on to something . . .

Now a Japanese company is trying to sell Margaux's junk food advice by peddling cookies containing Pueraria Mirifica (an herb grown in Thailand and Myanmar, said to be an effective breast enhancer). F-Cup Cookies cost ¥290 (only about $2.50). No word yet on whether F-Cup Cookies will make it to the U.S. — or whether they'll make your ass as large as your boobs.

Sweat Equity?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Is there a correlation between exercising and sex drive? I’ve been with my girlfriend for three years. When we met, she worked out all the time, and she had a big sex drive. Now she’s gained a few pounds, feels bad about herself and hardly ever works out. When she does get to the gym, our sex life picks up again.

I don’t really care about her weight. I just want her to feel good about herself so we can get our sex life back. If working out really does affect sex drive, how can I encourage her to hit the gym without sounding like a jerk?

Personal Trainer

Dear PT,

It’s true — sweating at the gym often leads to sweating in the bedroom. Because exercise relieves stress, renews energy and promotes self-confidence, it makes us feel ready for a good rogering. Getting in shape also makes us more limber and flexible for those hard-to-perform positions. Some studies even suggest that the same brain chemicals responsible for “runner’s high” are capable of releasing hormones that fuel the sex drive.

You’ve got the right idea — you shouldn’t care about her weight, but you’re a good partner for caring about her sexual and emotional well-being. You’re also right to be cautious about encouraging your lady to exercise. For many people, women in particular, working out and weight issues are deeply personal. If you’re looking to get a jerk, instead of being one — avoid putting too much stress on her to hit the gym. Instead, lead by example and go on your own health mission. When she sees your renewed commitment to wellness, she just might jump on the bandwagon. Also, suggest some new activities that you can do together, like going out dancing or taking up tennis. In no time, she’ll be ready to return whatever you can serve up — on the court and in the bedroom.

You’ve been served,
MM

I LOVERMONT

Last week, 56-year-old Gregory Viens of Fayston, Vermont pleaded no contest to unlawful trespass after a farm employee caught him having sexual relations with a cow on a farm in Moretown, Vermont. Allegedly, Viens has a history of having intercourse with cows, but no animal cruelty charges have stuck. The Times Argus reports that other farmers in the area, who wish to remain anonymous, have had trouble with Viens since 1985.

Viens was ordered to pay $601 in fines for his trespassing crime, with no penalty for having sex with the cow. Hey, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

The porn industry has always been good for a few laughs when it comes to spoofing mainstream movies and television (remember Star Whores and Ally McFeel?), but this one takes the cake. Be on the lookout this September for "Not the Bradys XXX." It's a story of a lovely lady, who was bringing up three very lovely girls, who meets a man named Brady who was busy with three boys of this own — then they all have an orgy with their housekeeper and her butcher boyfriend (played by none other than Ron Jeremy).

I don't actually know if the orgy part is true, but a Mistress can hope, right? The only plot clues can be found on the "Not the Bradys XXX" MySpace page. Apparently, Mr. Brady is experiencing financial trouble due to slow business at the architectural firm, so the family has to chip in by taking on odd jobs. For instance, Marcia applies to be a "figure model." See where this is going?

I wonder if Greg Brady's alter ego, Johnny Bravo, will be making an appearance. . .

MM

Spanks in Advance

Dear Mistress,

Recently, my boyfriend has been hinting around about spanking me. I don’t think he means a love tap during sex; I think he wants to do an all-out spanking session.
I have some friends who draw the line at any hitting in the bedroom because it doesn’t jive with their feminist sensibilities. It makes sense to me — if sex is supposed to feel good, why would I want to be spanked?

Thanks,
Brand Spanking New

Dear BSN,

You’re right — sex is supposed to feel good. For some people, part of feeling good involves giving or receiving the sensation of a smartly placed smack rippling through the buttock muscles and vibrating down to the sexy bits. More, please!

Spanking can be purely physical — a literal “slap-and-tickle,” where the administrator mixes smacks on the buttocks with tickles and touches to the genitalia. (A note to spankers: Be sure to avoid the lower back that houses the kidneys and other major-organ areas. Also, vary the placement of your smacks — too much of a good thing on the same spot can turn spanking from erotic to uncomfortable.)

Spanking can also be more of a submissive act, often accompanied by role-play. For adults who were punitively spanked as children, being bent over and walloped during a role-play can be emotionally unpleasant — even under the most safe, sane and consensual circumstances.
Your friends make a good point — with so many victims of domestic violence in our country, women often feel guilty or weird about desiring their partners to “hit” them. But there’s a big difference between consensual erotic spanking between adults and abuse.

For me, sex is much more satisfying when I check the politics at the bedroom door. Speak frankly with your partner about his spanking desires. If his fantasy lights your fire, I suggest you bend over and warm your buns. Remember, you’re indulging his fantasy, but you still get to call the shots. Start with a light spanking session and see where things go — he’s trying to get you a nice shade of rosy pink, not black and blue. Choose a safe word before you begin your first spanking session. If you feel uncomfortable, use your safe word — all play should stop, no exceptions or guilt trips.

If spanking isn’t your thing, simply tell him it’s not a fantasy you can get “behind.”

Bottoms Up,
MM