Wake Up Call

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Once every six months or so, I’ll wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I just had an orgasm (I’m wet and feel out of breath). I know boys have wet dreams; is it possible that I’m having them, too?

If so, is there any way to stop them from happening? I’m a first-year student at UVM, and I’m nervous about “sleep masturbating” in front of my roommate (who is, unfortunately, a wicked prude).

Thank you,
College Girl

Dear CG,

When I was studying abroad during college, I took a solo trip through Sweden. One night while staying at a youth hostel, in a room with 10 strangers, I woke up at 2 a.m. panting and moaning with my hands down my pants — I was in the middle of a five-alarm orgasm. I was mortified. Luckily, none of the other women in the room made a fuss. (I blame the tall, hot Swedes for my involuntary orgasm.)

Female wet dreams are perfectly normal. According to Wikipedia, Alfred Kinsey reported in 1953 that 40 percent of 5628 women he interviewed had experienced a wet dream by the time they were 45 years old. Of the women who had wet dreams, most reported having them a few times per year.

Some sources say that having more sex or masturbating more often will curb nocturnal emissions, but most experts disagree. College Girl, I know it doesn’t seem like it now — but you’re lucky to have these “awakening” experiences. Orgasms relieve stress and promote overall health. Perhaps if your roommate were visited by the Wet Dream Fairy, she wouldn’t be such a prude.

Sweet dreams,
MM

Scent of a Woman

Looking for a new signature scent? If you're a woman, apparently you could just bottle your own. . .

A friend just sent me the link to Vulva Original — a bottle full of one of my favorite scents: girl. (WARNING: The Vulva Original site is not work or kid friendly.)

Though Vulva Original says it's not a perfume, it still comes in a small bottle and the instructions say to dab a little on the back of your hand. (Check out the video on their site for a demonstration. Oddly, the man in the video dabs some on, even though two real nude girls are dancing seductively off to the side — could Vulva be better than the real thing?)

It doesn't look like Vulva Original is available for sale in the US yet — I guess we'll have to stick with the organic stuff for now.

Sniff, sniff,
MM

You Can Ring My Bell

If you haven't seen the Seven Days bathroom, you're truly missing something. The room has hot pink walls, but you might not notice the color due to the unbelievable amount of religious paraphernalia covering nearly every square inch -- everything from little Buddhas to a giant hologram Jesus portrait.

By far, my favorite item in the bathroom has been the 2006 Calendario Romano — a calendar full of hot priests (so taboo). When we rang in 2007, I was sad to see the calendar go, especially because we didn't have anything to take its place. . . until now.

I just came across the Mormons Exposed: Men on a Mission calendar — hot ex-missionaries who used go door-to-door peddling their religion (most on bicycles wearing those ridiculous short sleeved white dress shirts and hideous ties).  The Mormons Exposed MySpace page has this to say: "This project is NOT affiliated with or endorsed by the Mormon church, nor is it intended to shed negative light on the Mormon faith. All models appearing in the calendar are Mormon and have served full-time missions for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints all over the world."

Negative light? Oh, no worries there — the next time a Mormon comes to my door to spread the word, I just might spread something myself.

Here's a peek:

Downstairs Remodeling

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I just started dating a guy from my office. We haven’t slept together yet, but I hope it happens soon!

A couple months before we started dating, I overheard him and another male coworker discussing grooming habits, specifically how they prefer women’s pubic hair to be kept. I heard my guy say that he prefers “hardwood floors.” I’m assuming this means he prefers it completely shaven. I’ve never shaved my area. Any tips, Mistress?

Sasha

Dear Sasha,

I’m feeling a bristle, and it isn’t from your pubic hair. Just because he prefers hardwood floors doesn’t mean you have to give up your wall-to-wall shag. Before you remodel, make sure it’s what you want.

If you decide to move forward with the hardwood, follow these six easy steps until you develop your own technique.

1. Trim your pubic hair with small scissors. This will remove a great deal of hair and save on the disposable razors. You may want to do this while straddling the toilet.

2. Take a long, hot bath or shower. The heat and water will soften the hair, making it easier to shave.

3. Take your position. I prefer sitting on the side of the tub, but you may find a position you like better.

4. Apply shaving cream or gel liberally to the entire area and let it sit for a minute. The shaving cream will also soften the hair. Be sure to choose a cream or gel for sensitive skin.

5. Start shaving. Using a disposable razor with an aloe strip, begin shaving from your bikini line to your labia. Rinse your razor frequently, and take your time around the more sensitive areas. If possible, position a mirror so you can better see what you’re doing.

6. Rinse and condition. Once you’re satisfied with the hair removal, rinse the area and apply witch hazel or aloe to combat razor burn and unsightly ingrown hairs.

Follow these steps, and you’ll be freshly polished and buffed in no time. Just remember to take your time — razor nicks and uneven hair are not hot.

Oh, and one last thing — whatever you do with your bush, please don’t talk about it in your office. Inappropriate talk like that can get you into a hairy situation at work.

Clip, clip,
MM

Have any shaving tips you'd like to share? Leave a comment below. You can comment anonymously, just make up a fake name and skip the email field.

This Friday

In my line of work, I hear about many sexy events that I'd like to attend (like Rachel Kramer Bussel's In the Flesh Reading Series and Anal Pleasure 101 at Babeland) — BUT, none of these events ever happen in Vermont. I guess we have to make some concessions for living in this beautiful state.

However, I'm proud to report that South Burlington's Higher Ground will be hosting a fabulously smutty event this Friday to benefit Vermont CARES. I expect all you pervs, kinksters, voyeurs and other sex-positive folks to show up for Erotica — a dance party featuring DJ Precious, DJ Sticky Finger, go-go dancers, a costume contest and more. Fetish attire and costumes are strongly encouraged but not required.

The Erotica party started at the now defunct 135 Pearl and was one of the year's most popular affairs. The unique thing about Erotica was the wide array of people it attracted — gay, straight, bi, kinky, curious, outrageous, plain, etc. Everyone loved Erotica, and now Vermont CARES and Higher Ground are coming together (so to speak) to resurrect this great event.

So don't miss it. Yes, that's an order.

MM

Going South

I know all my readers are smart enough to practice safer sex, but just in case: If you plan to have sex in Mobile County, Alabama, considered yourself warned.

xoxo,
MM

P.S. Thanks to the reader who sent me this link. If you have any blog-worthy tips, please send them my way.

I Concur

Earlier this month MSNBC named the top seven unlikely sex symbols for 2007. Happily, my summer crush, Seth Rogan, made the list. I was a fan of Freaks and Geeks, but when I saw him in The Forty-Year-Old Virgin and this summer in Knocked Up —  I realized what a hottie he had become.

Also making the list were Peter Dinklage, the little person from The Station Agent, Wanda Sykes, Tilda Swinton, Dame Judi Dench, Paul Giamatti and Tina Fey. (Is she really "unlikely?")

What do you think of the list? Any unlikely sex symbols you'd like to add? What about Vincent D'Onofrio? Purrrr.....

SVD (Sudden Vibrator Death)

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I am so sick of buying cute little vibrators (I collect shades of purple) only to have them die on me shortly after purchase. I’m not talking about the batteries draining or the motor burning out; I mean when I’m turning the speed dial and the whole thing just suddenly stops, or it mysteriously won’t start, even with fresh batteries. Occasionally some twisting or disassembling/reassembling will bring them back to life. I suspect what is going on is that some internal contacts are not being made or wires have lost touch. I can’t imagine how to fix this without slicing through their silicone flesh with an X-Acto blade to isolate the disconnect. And then what? Wrap it back up in duct tape? I don’t think so. I’ve come to refer to this phenomenon as SVD (Sudden Vibrator Death).

I bought an adorable lavender vibe at a local shop last week, which is acting suspiciously already. I tend to spend in the $15-30 range, afraid to drop more money on an uncertain proposition. Do pricier models boast better longevity?

Molly

Dear Molly,

To have your purple pal peter out, so to speak, is nothing short of a tragedy — especially if you’re about to orgasm (been there, done that).

The old adage holds true, even for sex toys: You get what you pay for. Buying cheaper toys locally is a cost-effective option if you want to experiment with a new type of toy, if you have multiple partners and don’t wish to share dildos, or if it’s Labor Day weekend and all your friends are coupled and/or out of town so you decide to squelch your boredom by trying a larger-sized butt plug. (Or is that just me?)

However, when you’re looking for a trusty vibe, do yourself a favor and don’t be a cheapskate. While I always advocate shopping locally when possible, well-known online companies such as Babeland.com and GoodVibes.com tend to have better return policies, making SVD less of a deterrent to purchasing pricier toys. Most will take a defective product back within 30 days and issue an exchange or credit. Plus, you get the benefit of user-generated critiques and ratings.

Molly, just remember this: A $15 vibe gets you a $15 ride. So go ahead and invest in that high-end toy you’ve been eyeing that has all the bells and whistles — I’m pretty sure it comes in purple.

Many happy returns (or not),
MM

HBO(rgasm)

Have I been living under a rock?

How did I miss all the hype about HBO's new dramatic series called Tell Me You Love Me? I just caught the last thirty minutes of the premier episode. I saw four sex scenes — two with naked, erect penises, one in a car in broad daylight and one between an elderly couple. Unfortunately, none of them featured a female orgasm (hello?).

Dang, and just when I thought it was safe to return to basic cable. . .

Did anyone else see the show? What did you think? I haven't been able to locate any internet video other than the boring HBO-sanctioned trailer, but I'll post it when it turns up. (It always does, doesn't it?)

Tainted Love

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Some of my girlfriends say that guys really like having their taints massaged during sex. Can you tell me where exactly the taint is located and how to massage it, so I can surprise my boyfriend with something new?

Thanks,
Tainted Love

Dear Tainted,

Both men and women have a perineum, or “taint,” located between the anus and genitals. For men, the perineum is especially sensitive because beneath this small patch of nerve endings lies the prostate — or, as some call it, the “Male G-Spot.”

If your man is open to it, a whole new world of sexual pleasure awaits him. The next time you’re performing oral sex on him, let your hand take over and move your tongue over (and all around) the scrotum, then underneath to the perineum. The sensation of your tongue on his taint and your hand on his penis will send him over the edge.

If having your nose enveloped by his undercarriage isn’t your idea of a good time, you can administer a perineum massage with your fingers or knuckles (if you have long lady claws). Use some water-based lube and go easy at first — some men report that too much pressure on their perineum is uncomfortable and sometimes painful. It’s best if you can use your hand on his penis at the same time — but if you’re not ambidextrous, ask him to take over on his wand while you focus on his taint.

Because the perineum is so sensitive, some people suggest only stimulating it immediately prior to orgasm. It really depends on the guy, so communicate with your beau about how best to tease his taint. And, if you’re lucky enough to be the first girl to play with his perineum, consider yourself warned — he might ask for your hand in marriage right then and there.

Untainted,
MM

Have any taint-ilizing tips? Leave a comment (you can do so anonymously — just make up a clever name and skip the email field).

Corn Dogs, Best Cocks and Joan Jett

Joan Jett is fucking hot. FUCKING HOT.

I saw her perform with the Blackhearts on Saturday night at the Champlain Valley Fair. And I caught one of her drummer's discarded drumsticks. I'm such a giddy fan! The highlight of the show was Jett's sexy rendition of one my personal favorites, "Fetish." I couldn't believe my good fortune — amongst all the corn dogs, livestock and mullets, one of the sexiest women alive sang these lyrics (so much for a wholesome good time at the fair):

Oh, look good in latex
Get off having rough sex
Surprise, round and round the bed
Restrained while I find your head

You are my Fetish

Gaze down, it's time to be my dog
I'll push, to get you in that fog

You are my Fetish

Pain turns to pleasure fast
Relax, while I pound your ass
Cool cat, cool cat, come on I'll give you some
Oh, yea, gonna, I'm gonna watch you come

You are my Fetish
You are my Fetish
You are my Fetish

I order you, you, you
You better m-m-mind
I order you, you, you
You better m-mind
I order you, you, you
You better m-m-mind
I order you, you, you
You better m-mind

Really? Did Joan Jett really sing about rough sex, latex and coming at the Champlain Valley Fair? Someone pinch me. Hard.

It's Labor Day — I'm going to go listen to "Crimson and Clover" and play with my drumstick. In the meantime, here's one of Jett's latest videos featuring Carmen Electra:

P.S. I also spent some quality time with the "Best Cock" at the Champlain Valley Fair. That thing was HUGE.