Batter Up

Dear Mistress Maeve,

It has recently dawned on me that I have become one of "those" girls.  Now, I know there are several different definitions for what exactly "those" girls are, but I am of the variety that sleeps with her friends.

I hang out strictly with guys. I love beer, baseball and bacon. I am completely comfortable with my boys. Which is probably why they tend to be the ones I get naked with.

The problem is, these boys are more likely to give my hair a friendly tousle than a sexy tug. And while the physical stuff can be good — hell, great, even — I tend to have the classic girl reaction and fall a little bit in love. Meanwhile, the guy tends to have the classic guy reaction — as in, he rolls over. Or worse, he expects me to return to my previous roll of “wingman” the very next night.

But how can I meet someone new when the only opener I know is to punch a guy in the shoulder and say, “How 'bout dem Sox?” Help, MM — I need a boy that isn’t one of my boyz.

Signed,
Bosom Buddy

Dear B.B.,

I've got news for you: You're a hot commodity! Do you have any idea how many men would give their right arm to meet a girl who can hang with the guys, crack open a beer and watch the game?

But you're never going to hit a home run if you keep allowing your guy friends to make a line drive to your bedroom door. If you're ready for a more serious relationship, stop sleeping with the pinch hitters (i.e., your guy friends). Unless, of course, one of them shows some genuine love interest in you — which is probably unlikely, when you keep letting lesser players slide into home.

And one more thing: Hanging with the guys is all well and good, but it's time for you to get some single gal pals. Haven't you seen "Sex and the City"? We need to stick together. Leave the boys in the dugout for a night and take the ladies out of the bullpen. They may not know as much about baseball, beer or bacon, but they're more likely to help you hit one out of the ballpark.

On deck,
MM

Headed for a Heartbreak

We probably all have them, in one form or another — those little mementos from broken relationships. It could be as cliche as a card or letter, or as odd as an empty shampoo bottle that you keep around to sniff every once in a while to remind you of your lost love. Some of us purge these kinds of things on a regular basis, while some of us have stockpiles of crap just waiting to finally be let go. 

If you're looking for a constructive way to get rid of your love evidence, you should check out The Museum of Broken Relationships. Originally started in Croatia by two artists who called it quits, the collection now travels city to city asking residents to donate items along with a short description. So far, the museum has collected more than 300 objects including a wedding dress, fuzzy handcuffs, a coffeepot, a bicycle and more. My favorite is the axe donated by a woman who used it to destroy the furniture of her cheating lover. The description reads:

"The more her room filled up with chopped up furniture, the more I started to feel better. Two weeks after she was kicked out she came to take the furniture. It was neatly arranged into small heaps and fragments of wood."

The idea behind the museum is to create beauty and art out of the objects that cause us pain. Olinka Vistica, one of the museum's founders, says, "The normal impulse is to destroy the mementos of a relationship in order to recover, but we thought of using creativity to overcome the pain of the experience and also remember the joy those objects once held for us."

The museum is currently set up in Berlin and will soon hit Stockholm, Tokyo and New York.

If you could, what items would you donate to The Museum of Broken Relationships? Feel free to share your descriptions in the comments section. You can comment anonymously — just come up with an alias and skip the email field.

xo,
MM

Dam It.

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I have just returned from my first STI and HIV/AIDS testing. During the very simple process, some informational handouts were provided to me. After reviewing one particular handout, I asked the doctor about the risks of giving oral sex to a woman — both for the receiver and the giver. She confirmed that giving women oral sex has an extremely low, if not negligible, risk. Assuming the doctor was correct, and the handouts were accurate in their omission of cunnilingus from the list of “risky behaviors,” what is the point of dental dams? And why would someone choose to use one?

Sincerely,
Johnny Going-Down

Dear Johnny,

Congratulations on getting tested. Being screened for STIs can be intimidating, but it's one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself and your partners.
You're not alone in your curiosity about dental dams and practicing safer oral sex. This 6-inch square of thin latex seems like a mystery to most people outside the dental field, and I'll offer a couple reasons why: First, in a sea of safer-sex advertising for and literature on the condom, we barely ever hear about the dental dam. Second, in my experience, health practitioners vary in their opinions about the necessity of dental dams because cunnilingus carries a low risk of transmitting an STI.

But here's the simple fact: You can contract an STI from going down on a woman. For most STIs to be transmitted from genitals to mouth, both parties have to have open sores or cuts — unlikely, but not impossible. While the risk may be low, it's better to be safe than sorry — right?

While I am a know-it-all, I'm not a doctor. Check in with another doctor and get a second opinion. Until then, if you're not in a monogamous relationship where both parties have been tested — use a dental dam.

Safely,
MM

PS. You can get free dental dams at Vermont CARES and R.U.1.2!

Get Schooled

If you haven't read Ken Picard's article entitled "Just Say Know" yet, it's an interesting read. Picard takes a look at the Unitarian Universalist Church's comprehensive sex education program for adolescents called "Our Whole Lives" (OWL). I don't profess to know much about sex education programs for youth, but from what I've read, most programs are either abstinence based to the extreme, or they're simply not comprehensive enough, leaving our kids with lots of unanswered questions. The OWL program, on the other hand, discusses nearly every topic, including "abortion, masturbation, sexual fantasies, incest, rape and gender-reassignment surgery" over 28 hour-and-a-half-long sessions. Wow. Now that's what I call an education.

Looks like the kids at King Middle School in Portland, Maine could use the OWL program. The school board voted this month to become the first middle school in Maine to make contraceptives available to its students (most range in age from 11 to 13). After Portland's three middle schools reported 17 pregnancies during the last four years, the school board took action. As you might imagine, some parents and school officials are up in arms, saying that this measure will only encourage kids to have sex. C'mon — clearly, they're already having sex and don't know how to do it safely.

What do you think? Did the King Middle School Board make the right call?

Opinion Polls & Market Research

If you're interested in this topic, you might be interested to know that Planned Parenthood is hosting the Vermont premiere of a play called When Turtles Make Love: Real Talk Between Parents and Teens at Waterfront Theater in Burlington on Wednesday, November 14. You can get more info on the Planned Parenthood site.

Cuddle Party?

Saturday was National Cuddle Day, and I celebrated by attending the Burlington Brawl, a mixed martial arts fighting event, at Memorial Auditorium. Why did I attend? Ever heard of a "sausage fest?"

Aside from the twenty hot, buff, half-naked fighters straining in the ring, most of the 1,100+ people in attendance were men. I estimate at least three rowdy, amped-up guys for every girl — and for my randy mood on Saturday night, that was just fine with me.

No, a cuddle party didn't break out, but the fighting was satisfactorily homoerotic. So, while the MMA fans around us were yelling things like, "Punch him," and "Kick him," we were yelling things like, "Fist him," and "Toss his salad!" Ah, good times.

No, seriously, the Burlington Brawl was an awesome event, and our Burlington boys represented — they showed a lot of heart and skill (and skin). I hear they're planning another fight for the spring. I'll keep you posted.

xoxo,
MM

Captive Audience

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My boyfriend of a year and a half has always been forthcoming about his interest in getting tied up during sex. I'm open to the idea, but I'm just curious: Why do people want to get tied up? It seems counterintuitive to me. I mean, don't you want to be able to move and touch and feel during sex? When I ask him, he just says, "It's hot." Yeah, I get that, but there has to be more to it, right?

I have the bedposts and the silk scarves. I just need the reasons why.

Best,
Knotty Girl

Dear Knotty,

Let me ask you this: Why do people ride rollercoasters? Because it's a way to feel out of control and exhilarated in a (relatively) safe environment. Of course, comparing rollercoasters to bondage is far too simplistic, but it's a good place to start.

Your beau could simply want to try something new, or he could have deeper motivations. Some people find intense freedom through relinquishing control in the bedroom — being "forced" into enjoying sexual acts can release all kinds of pent-up emotion. Ultimately, you need to talk with your boyfriend and let him know that you're happy to sling him up, but you'd get more enjoyment from the experience if he shared more of his feelings with you.

Knotty, I commend you on your willingness to explore your partner's desires and your eagerness to learn what lies beneath his craving for captivity. Who knows: With a little experience, you might enjoy keeping your man fit to be tied.

Just remember, don't tie his limbs too tightly, and always check to see that his extremities aren't numb or tingly — you don't want poor circulation binding you up.

Captivatingly yours,
MM

Sexual Heel-ing

I love the television series Twin Peaks almost as much as I love wearing my fire-engine red peek-toe stilettos. So imagine my delight when I heard that David Lynch and Christian Louboutin had teamed up to make five limited-edition pairs of fetish shoes, paired with five signed photographs of the kinky kicks.

And if there was any doubt that these shoes weren't made for walking, Lynch and Louboutin added the pièce de résistance: Siamese heels. These black spikes are joined at the heel, ever so slightly contorting the legs and making it impossible to take a step. Yum.

If you're lucky enough to be traveling through Paris this month, you can see the show at Galerie du Passage. If not, you'll have to make due with these photos.

Now, be good — or I'll put you in the vertical ballet slippers and make you take a lap around the room.

xoxo,
MM

Monday, Monday

It's Monday, and I'm feeling more out of sorts than usual after a particularly wicked weekend. I'm having a hard time focusing, so I'm YouTube-ing instead of working. Thought you might enjoy this video of a spank-hungry kitty cat.

I must say, its owner's dedication and technique are admirable — I'm wondering if he has a "scratching post" of his own. Let the "pussy" jokes begin:

Cycle-logical

In the animal kingdom, fertile females will alert their male counterparts when it's time to get busy — my favorite being the female baboon who sports a swollen bright pink ass when it's time for her to mate. Human females, on the other hand, don't give off any special odors or signs — or do we?

I've read a number of studies that show us females have a tendency to dress more flashy and be more flirtatious when we're at our most fertile (generally 12-14 days after the first day of our periods). And now, a recent study out of the University of New Mexico asserts this behavior could have fiscal consequences.

Psychologist Geoffery Miller and a team of colleagues compared the tips strippers made from lap dances throughout their cycles and found that the women made about $70 an hour when at their most fertile — versus only $35 an hour while menstruating and $50 in between. Further, women on the pill made less on average than those not on the pill, as the pill dulls the body's natural responses to the cycle (which is just fine with me if it prevents me from having period cramps and a bun in the oven).

Who knows? This could be valuable information if you're a non-pill-using female in any sort of sales position — perhaps try making your biggest appointments for your most fertile time. If you're meeting with a heterosexual male decision-maker, it could mean a bigger bonus for you. Is that ethically bankrupt? I don't think so. I think we should exploit whatever natural talents we have to get what we want. What do you think? Leave a comment (you can leave one anonymously — just make up a clever name and skip the email field).

MM

Dollywood

I recently posted about love dolls taking over Japan — and now they're about to take over the silver screen. From one of the writers of Six Feet Under (my favorite show of all time) comes the film Lars and the Real Girl, starring Ryan Gosling, Emily Mortimer and Paul Shneider. The film, scheduled for release in the US this week, is about a "lovable introvert" named Lars who "meets" a love doll on the Internet and proceeds to make a life with her in his small town. An emotional journey for Lars and the people around him ensues.

My interest is piqued. How about yours?  Check out the trailer:

Cyber Love

In 2002, Wired Magazine said, "Twenty years from now, the idea that someone looking for love without looking for it online will be silly, akin to skipping the card catalog to instead wander the stacks because 'the right books are found only by accident.' Serendipity is the hallmark of inefficient markets, and the marketplace of love, like it or not, is becoming more efficient." By all accounts, Wired is right. Americans continue to spend over $500 million per year on internet dating sites, presumable because they work. Plus, the stigma surrounding meeting people online has all but disappeared. (Hey, if Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan can pull it off on the silver screen — who can't?)

I keep pretty close tabs on our Personals here at Seven Days, both because I'm single and because reading the ads provides hours of endless amusement. Some people really wear their hearts on their sleeves, while others showcase their comedic talents. Like this guy, for example. When asked what he would be if he was reincarnated, he replied, "A bra." Now, before judging too harshly, he's also a MAC-loving chocolatier who's into old 80's music. Not too shabby. Go get 'em, ladies.

Seriously, if you haven't checked out our Personals — do it. If you're single and looking (or a couple and looking together), what have you got to lose? There's something for everyone.

Happy dating,
MM

When Barbie Goes Bad

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I've been close friends with "Ken" for eight years. Our friendship has been flirtatious at times, but we've never shared more than a drunken New Year's Eve kiss. About two years ago, Ken started dating "Barbie," and things heated up between the three of us. When we go out, all three of us are flirtatious with one another (I'm bisexual, and so is Barbie). I've made out with Barbie in front of Ken occasionally, but I've always avoided going home with them for fear of ruining my friendship with them both.

Here comes the twist. Next week, Ken and Barbie are moving six hours away. They're having a big going-away party, and I feel like they might ask me to have sex with them as the ultimate send-off. I'm sure the sex would be amazing, as we're all kinky and open-minded, but I have this nagging feeling that it would be a mistake. Advice?

Thanks,
Skipper

Dear Skipper,

Before you get all “dolled up” for the big going-away party, you have some thinking to do.

I'm all for hot threesomes, but here's the bottom line: If you have a "nagging feeling" telling you to resist this three-way, follow your instinct. When done correctly, arranging group sexual activities takes communication and rule making, especially when friendships are involved. However, even with the proper planning, your best precaution is to listen to your gut — if it doesn't feel right, don't do it.

You make it sound like this is your last chance for fun with Ken and Barbie. Just because they're moving six hours away doesn't mean you'll stop being friends, and it certainly doesn't mean that you'll escape any tension that may arise from your romp in the Barbie Dream House.

Who knows —if you let things unfold over time, the three of you could be a match made in Mattel.

Kisses,
MM

Toying Around

Have you ever opened your toy drawer or chest, only to find you're bored and/or mildly disgusted with every vibrator, butt plug and dildo in it? I liken it to getting halfway through a season, opening your closet and suddenly despising all the clothes you once wore with enthusiasm. Let's face it, toys go out of style, too — or, at least, they go through wear and tear and need to be replaced from time to time.

Welcome to my life. I need to replenish my toy collection. My latest inventory check showed two vibrators with conked-out motors, a slightly disfigured butt plug (how does that happen?) and about a zillion odds and ends that just need to be thrown out (or recycled). And why have I, of all people, allowed my toy chest to become so unsightly? Because new sex toys cost big bucks these days, especially if you need to replace everything at once.

Luckily, help is on the way. For those of you reading from Vermont and the surrounding area, listen up! Imago, Vermont's Premiere Adult Outlet, is celebrating its 10th anniversary with a 24-hour sale (midnight to midnight on October 13) — everything in the store is 50% off. Um, I'm there. I've found some pretty cool things at Imago over the years, and I love that they're making an event out of the sale — we don't have enough sex-related events in Vermont! The sale starts at midnight on Saturday. I say treat yourself or your sweetie to something new this weekend.

Never been to Imago? Nervous? Check out this video Seven Days made for Imago to promote the sale:

Have fun,
MM

The Buzz On History

What came after the sewing machine but before the electric iron? The woman of the house did, of course.

According to the History of the Vibrator slideshow over at Slate.com, the electric vibrator was the fifth electrical appliance to be introduced into homes. In 1902, Hamilton Beach patented its first in-home vibrator, probably as a health and beauty aid (yeah, sure). But, in the 1920s, the first "porn" reels began to uncover the other uses for these vibrating appliances.

Check out this very cool slideshow for more history of the vibrator, including Betty Dodson's quest to teach women about masturbation one Hitachi Magic Wand at a time.

xoxo,
MM

Coming or Going?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I don't think there's a tactful way to ask this question. Then again, you don't seem to mind tactless. When I'm sitting on my girlfriend's face (I'm a lesbian), I always stop short of orgasm because I feel like I might pee when I come. The pressure builds up, and as I'm about to come, I get the very distinct sensation that usually happens right before I pee.

Is this normal? Is it even possible to pee when I'm coming? I hope you can help me, because this is our favorite position, and it's so disappointing to stop short of the grand finale.

Signed,
Coming or Going?

Dear C or G,

You're right. I don't mind tactless, especially when we’re talking about an issue that prohibits you from enjoying your favorite position.

Unlike men, who have a little on/off switch that prevents them from peeing during orgasm, women can urinate during sex. If you notice that you "leak" a little pee when you laugh, cough or exercise, you're more likely to leak in bed, too. This type of leakage is more common among older women and women who've had a baby. Women can reduce this type of incontinence by performing Kegel exercises (ask your doctor, or check my blog for a link).

If you don't experience leaks at other times, chances are you're just getting confused. When your partner's tongue is working your clit, it's nearly impossible for her not to stimulate your urethra, as they're located only about a fingertip's width apart. The pressure of her tongue combined with the pressure you create by "sitting" on her face is likely to make you feel the urge to pee, but it doesn't mean you will.

My advice is to urinate right before you have sex, then relax and let it flow (so to speak). Chances are you won't urinate, but a little pee never hurt anyone, anyway. You never know — the experience might be so hot that neither of you will know if you're coming or going.

Warm and wet,
MM

P.S. And always remember to urinate after sex — it will help keep those pesky urinary tract infections away.

Trick or Treat?

It's October, my favorite month. I love foliage, crisp autumn air, apple cider and — of course — HALLOWEEN! I love any occasion where we can let our alter egos out to play, and I plan to have a particularly randy Halloween this year. I would tell you about my costume, but I must remain anonymous. Suffice it to say — it's hot.

Perhaps the only people planning to have a hotter Halloween than me are the performers in this year's Haunted XXX in Houston, Texas — a haunted house where the ghosts and goblins are actually scantily-clad ladies in little more than glow-in-the-dark body paint. Haunted XXX has some Houston residents and city officials up in arms, claiming that the promoters are using the haunted house moniker as a way to skirt adult-oriented business laws for the month of October.

Haunted XXX promoter John Finlay told KHOU-TV, "There's sexy scenes and then a scare, sexy scenes and then a scare." Further, promoters for Haunted XXX claim that adult entertainment laws should not apply to them because their performers are covered in paint. (Yeah, I mean, wearing body paint is JUST like wearing a shirt.) But with their list of sponsors consisting of only adult-oriented cabarets, lawyers for the city of Houston told KHOU-TV that they'd be checking out Haunted XXX. Tough job, but someone's gotta do it. . .

Ghoulishly yours,
MM