The Miseducation of Mistress Maeve

As a radical sex-positive feminist type studying at a conservative college with lots of Catholics, I had a field day challenging my schoolmates and even some professors — particularly in gender studies classes. I remember one sexuality class where the professor asked us to imagine an invisible line drawn across the room — all the way to the left represented totally pro-BDSM activities, all the way to the right was totally anti-BDSM. The professor — who, in my estimation, had huge balls to even attempt this class at my college — asked us to stand on the line wherever our opinions of BDSM fell. Mind you, he wasn't asking us about our own sex lives, he was merely asking us what we thought about bondage, sado-masochism, dominance/submission, etc.

Can you guess what happened? I took my spot all the way over to the left with my male friend (who also happened to be one of the handful of out gay men on campus), while 90% of the class stood as close to the right-hand wall as they could get, glancing over at us pervs on the left. Good times...

As I remember, a few people stood somewhere in between left and right, looking nervous and unsure. I couldn't decide whether they were just trying to be politically correct or if, deep down, they were secretly wanting me and my male counterpart to sling them up and slap them silly. Repent! Repent!

The whole scenario was a horrible exercise in generalizations, but at least it got us all thinking about how we do or do not judge other people and their activities. I guess I just think people should be able to do whatever the hell they want, as long as they're not hurting anyone (especially the defenseless, like children, animals, etc).

Where do you stand? If you were asked to stand on the line, would you be to the left, right or somewhere in the middle? Feel free to get more specific — are some acts okay in your book, while others are out of the question? Where do you draw the line?

Kisses,
MM

Knotty Boy

Dearest Mistress,

I am a well respected and somewhat prominent member of my community. Add to that the fact that I am married and have kids, and everything seems great, right?

Well, yes and no. For my entire sexually active life, I have been into BDSM. I'm not sure where it comes from, but I have a desire to be tied up and tormented accordingly.

My wife, however, is not into this lifestyle, and I'm finding it hard not to want to find someone who can help me scratch this itch . . .

Mistress, this isn't really about sex — it's about power (or loss thereof). How do I go about fulfilling this need that I have? Would I be unfaithful to my wife if I did?

Yours,
Fit To Be Tied

Dear F.T.B.T.,

If you're asking me whether participating in BDSM behind your wife's back is cheating — it is, and it will ultimately only make your situation worse.

That being said, I get it: You're not talking about getting your rocks off — you're talking about a sexual, emotional and perhaps even spiritual journey through power exchange. People who haven't experienced the cathartic effects of BDSM often do not understand how compelling these urges can be.

You say you don't know where your desire comes from, and that worries me. Before I play with any submissive, I demand to know exactly what led them to BDSM. Sometimes it's simply a sense of adventure, but most of the time the feeling is rooted in a deep emotional place and takes them back to childhood. I urge you to explore the roots of your desire — with a therapist, if necessary — and communicate this to your wife. If you're more forthcoming with your feelings, she may be more willing to oblige — she might even see it as a way to become closer to you emotionally.

You say your wife isn't into the "lifestyle," but how do you know? How have you broached the subject? If she thinks you want her in a full leather body suit, flogging you while you bark like a dog, she may be put off or intimidated. However, she could be open to playing with fuzzy cuffs and feathers. While this may seem vanilla to you, it can be a comfortable introduction to the more taboo activities you crave.

If you get real with your wife about the roots of your BDSM fantasies, she may surprise you. If she still balks, you'll have to decide what's more important — your submissive needs, or your marriage. But either way, you owe it to your wife to remain faithful and try to work it out with her. BDSM is about mutual trust and respect — be sure you extend those same courtesies to your wife.

Love me knot,
MM

How Do They Do That?

I'm flabbergasted. I just read an article in Men's Health that says 29 percent of the 213 women surveyed said they had experienced an orgasm from nipple stimulation alone.

What?! Really?

I've heard about nipple orgasms before but always put them in the same category as world peace and the Easter Bunny — nice to think about, but not likely to exist.

Heck, I'm in awe of women of who can have strictly vaginal orgasms — without clitoral stimulation, my orgasm is doomed. So how is it possible to have an orgasm from nipple lovin' alone? Is it all in the mind? Are these women all one with their bodies and universe, able to come at the mere the mention of pleasure? Do I need to do more yoga?

Readers, help me out. Have you ever witnessed or had one of these elusive breast orgasms? What's the trick?

Alone, Together

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My boyfriend and I have a great relationship, and I think our sex life is good. We have sex two to three times per week, but I also know he masturbates on days we don't have sex.

I've tried to get him to masturbate in front of me, encouraging him by saying I would also touch myself. He's never flat out refused, but we've never done it. How can I get both of us masturbating together?

Signed,
Timid Toucher

Dear T.T.,

It's healthy for your boyfriend to masturbate independently of you. Contrary to what you may think, you don't need to be present every time he spills his seed.

People have a tendency to view self-pleasure as a substitute for the "real thing" — and surely, sometimes it is. However, in my world, masturbation is an integral part of an overall healthy sex life. If you're still being intimate on a regular basis, I wouldn't worry about his solo missions. In fact, you might consider more often going to the dance unchaperoned, too — if you know what I'm saying.

That said, mutual masturbation can be fun, and I encourage you to try it. The next time the two of you are feeling amorous, reach down and start touching yourself. (I don't know many guys who will balk at this move.) After he's sufficiently turned on by your solo ministrations, take his hands and place them on his wand. He should get the hint, but if not — be ready to whisper something naughty to him about wanting to watch him perform.

If he's shy, you may be doing most of the performing, but have fun with it. Put on a good one-woman show, and you two will be performing as a duet in no time.

One-handed wave,
MM

Hold, Please

Just when I was starting to forget how pissed off I am that Vermont is the only state without the iPhone, a coworker emails me about the iBrate (via Gizmodo).

iBrate is a simple application for the iPhone that makes it vibrate on command. It seems pretty lame though — only one vibrator setting, small Start/Stop buttons and how the heck are you supposed to keep the thing sanitary? They need to market the iBrate with a latex cover for your phone.

But, hey, maybe it'll keep your friends' grubby paws off your new iPhone.

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

I just heard about a talk happening next week called "What's a Nice Girl Like Me Doing in A Place Like This?: My Life As a Clinical Sexologist," given by Gale Golden. It's part of Ohavi Zedek Synagogue's Lunch & Learn program.  From what I can find online, Golden is a professor at UVM, psychotherapist, author, lecturer, and expert witness, specializing in the areas of sexuality and mental health.

The talk is on Thursday, November 29 from noon to 1:00pm at Ohavi Zedek (188 No. Prospect Street, Burlington). For more information, you can contact Judy Hershberg at 863-4214. The talk is free and open to the public.

Talk about a "nooner."

Holiday sex? Not with an ex...

Okay, I usually don't make a habit of turning to the Today Show for sex advice, but they were discussing an interesting topic this week — sex with an ex during the holidays.

The holidays are marketed as this time when people come closer together — we're all supposed to be nostalgic and emotional, giving thanks for the sweeter things in life like family and love. Well, what if you're single, living alone and far away from family?

Waxing nostalgic alone, amidst twinkling lights and copious amount of eggnog can make us do crazy things — like call the asshole ex we dumped and asking him or her to come over and "deck the halls." Or, what if you go home for the holidays and run into your high school sweetheart in the stuffing aisle of the grocery store? The holidays are disarming, and I caution you to choose your bedfellows wisely — hooking up with same old elf could leave you with the same old lump of coal.

The Today Show's advice? Dr. Laura Berman suggests finding a new mate under the mistletoe, rather than seeking out a ghost of Christmas past. She says, "Embrace your single freedom, and have a happy holiday — instead of a potentially drama-filled one!"

Cheers, Dr. Berman.

MM

Tinkle Tryst

Dear Mistress,

I have this lingering, back-of-my-mind fantasy about golden showers. I recently mentioned to my boyfriend that I sometimes enjoy pissing as I orgasm while masturbating in the shower. This led to us being curious about him pissing inside of me during some sexy shower time. Just the discussion led to a sensational feeling, and I am wondering if this is actually plausible.

However much this idea turns me on, it doesn't seem terribly sanitary — and complications and infections are simply not risks I'm willing to take.

So, all-knowing Mistress, please tell me: Is my fantasy able to be fulfilled, or something better left to the imagination and dirty talk?

Sincerely,
A Curious Kink

Dear C.K.,

Actually, urine is one of the human body’s most "sanitary" fluids. Pee is sterile when it's inside the body, and barring any transfer of bacteria as it exits the urethra, it's pretty clean when it comes out, too. My friends at Planned Parenthood of Northern New England tell me that water sports like what you're describing aren't too risky.

Kudos to you and your boyfriend for being open to golden showers. Some people cast aside the idea as too "icky" or taboo, all the while not fully realizing how sensual and intimate pee play can be. Start slowly and enjoy the warming sensation of the liquid on your skin. For ease and cleanliness, this type of play is best performed in the shower.

There is one potential problem with your tinkle tryst — most men can't urinate when they have an erection. When a guy gets hard, a little valve in his penis switches to let only semen pass. If your beau is turned on, he may not be able to perform; hence, the golden shower will most likely have to be the prologue or the epilogue to your streaming story.

Showering you with love,
MM

Lite My Fire

These Lite-Brite boobies are far superior to mine (my Lite-Brite ones, anyway). I only hope that Undead Molly will submit her masterpiece to the Boinkology Lite-Brite Boobie Challenge.

And what are the rest of you slackers waiting for? Go to the Lite-Brite emulator and hit me with your best shot.

-MM

Friday Fun

I found this one via Rachel Kramer Bussel and had to share. Boinkology is challenging you to make the best boobies you can using the Lite-Brite emulator. (Remember Lite-Brite? I had one at my preschool.)  I mean, it is Friday — like you have anything better to do at work.

Kisses,
MM

UPDATE: Okay, here's my best attempt. I like them. They're cute.

What are you waiting for? Make your Lite-Brite creation, save a copy and send it to me via email for posting.

Pickup Game

Since answering this week's question about how to flirt and/or get a date, I've had a hankerin' for some good old-fashioned pick up lines. And, lucky me, I happened across Nerve.com's Pickupedia — an "encyclopedia" of pickup lines, neatly arranged in helpful categories like "Nerdy," "Money" and "Lines Involving Conception."

I thought I'd share some of my favorites.

Nerdy:
1. "Hey baby, you must be cesium — cause if you let me get you wet, the reaction will be explosive."
2. "You are my density."

Money:
1. "I'm not really this tall -- I'm just sitting on my wallet."
2. "If I flip a quarter, what are the chances of me getting head?"

Lines Involving Conception:
1. "How do you like your eggs, over-easy or fertilized?"
2. "Wanna go halfsies on a bastard child?"

Last, but certainly not least — I found this one under the "Virginity" category:
"I may not have gotten your virginity, but can I at least have the box it came in?"

Nice.

Do you have any favorite pick up lines? The funnier the better. . .

xoxo,
MM

From Wallflower to Flirt

Dear Mistress Maeve,

In last week's Seven Days, you told a woman how to break away from her guy friends (a.k.a friends with benefits) in hopes of finding more substantive relationships. I'm in a similar situation, so thanks for the advice. But I have a follow-up question.

When I'm out on the town — can you share some tips on how to get a guy's attention? I'm shy and need to learn how to break the ice.

Thanks,
Wallflower

Dear Wallflower,

If you're shy, perhaps going "out on the town" isn't the best dating avenue for you. Have you ever considered signing up for a class or volunteering for an organization to meet prospective mates? Think about it — if you're both in a cooking class or volunteering for your favorite charity, you already have something in common.

Whether you're out on the town or at a community event, the guide to flirtation remains the same. Once you've scouted out the guy, check for a wedding ring (or a tan line, indicating the ring is stuffed in his pocket). If the coast is clear, begin with a simple smile in his direction and some subtle eye contact. The key is to indicate that you find him attractive without coming off as a potential stalker.

If he's returning your overtures, it's safe to move in. (Yes, woman can make the first move, too.) Introduce yourself with a firm, but not industrial-strength, handshake. If he seems pleased to meet you, continue with small talk, sprinkled with questions about his interests. Let's face it: Most people love to talk about themselves, so it's a great icebreaker. Interject witty banter when you can, and be sure to mirror his body language. If his elbow is on the bar, put your elbow on the bar. If he's rubbing his belly and patting his head, you do the same. Studies show that mirroring body language puts people at ease, and it's a common practice among salespeople when they want to "close a deal."

After you've been chatting for a while, if you still fancy him, you need to ask the question: Would you like to go out sometime? Contrary to some old-fashioned rules about dating, it's OK for the woman to ask the man out. Just be ready for the full gamut of possible responses. He could respond positively, or he could tell you he already has a girlfriend. Regardless of his response, remain calm and keep your wits about you. If he says yes, get his number or arrange a date. If he declines — hey, at least you tried. In this dating game, practice makes perfect.

Good luck,
MM

Vroom Vroom

I admit it. I have found myself, on some mornings, driving to work while simultaneously talking on the phone, applying makeup and scarfing down whatever I grabbed for breakfast on my way out the door. Smart? No. Efficient? Maybe.

As if all of life's more mundane distractions weren't enough while driving, Love Honey has come out with the Erotic Car Seat Seduction Massager. This vibrating cushion plugs into your car's power adapter and pumps the goods to four main parts of the seat. Yep, you can find other seat massagers on the market, but Love Honey says their massager focuses on four main "treasured pleasure points."

I clearly don't need any further car distractions, but if you find yourself stuck in traffic during your commute (like between downtown Burlington and every 89 on-ramp) — this could be a good way to keep it in drive. Just, please, put down the cell phone, eyeliner and latte. Okay?