Free Pap Day!

I still have a couple of girlfriends who refuse to get an annual pap test. I can't say I blame them — the scratchy paper gown, the speculum cranking you wide open, the cotton swab scraping your insides. Sounds like a good time, right? But, we HAVE to do it. This simple procedure once a year can prevent a multitude of more complicated procedures down the line by detecting problems early — especially cervical cancer.

At least one of my friends doesn't make a big effort to see her gyno because she's currently uninsured — and I'm willing to bet a lot of women are in the same boat. Luckily, Maitri Health Care for Women in Burlington is taking action. To honor Allison Hicks, a cervical cancer survivor and founder of the Hicks Foundation, Maitri is holding its 2nd Annual Free Pap Day for the Uninsured on Saturday, January 12. By making an appointment, uninsured patients can get a free pap test and also learn about HPV and the new HPV vaccine called Gardisil — they're giving out the vaccine for free to girls ages 9-18, too.

For more information or to make an appointment, call Maitri Health Care for Women at 802-862-7338.

Here's to a safe and healthy New Year,
MM

Midnight Madness

Dear Readers,

You've decked the halls, rocked around the Christmas tree and spun the dreidel, so that leaves only one thing to accomplish this year — your New Year's Eve kiss.

Sure, you can watch the ball drop or toast to friends and family at midnight, but why pass up your best chance to have a lip-smackin', tongue-slidin' good time? Whether you're kissing the same person you've kissed for 25 years or locking lips with a stranger at midnight, don't miss this opportunity.

In an effort to help you get the naughtiest and nicest New Year's Eve kiss, I asked my blog readers to send in their best NYE dos and don'ts. As I suspected, my readers are savvy, saucy and willing to share their tips. Here goes:

1. Do flirt like crazy; everyone is looking for fun on New Year's Eve.

2. If you are looking to "hook up," do bring a wingman (or wingwoman). Your friend can give you that moment of clarity when you’ve had 13 glasses of champagne and are on the verge of going home with the sketchy dude who's been sitting in the corner all night drinking alone.

3. Do make New Year's Eve special, even if you've been married a long time. Bring home some fun snacks and a bottle of champagne for your sweetheart.

4. Don't expect to have the best night of your life. In general, most people are disappointed with how their plans pan out, so don't feel bad if you go home alone.

5. Don't think you can find the love of your life on New Year's Eve — too many people wearing beer goggles.

6. Do use this opportunity to smooch that girl/guy you’ve been trying to make out with all year — it's the perfect excuse.

7. They say you spend the year the same way you ring it in, so I say: Do have sex at midnight with the one you love! It'll bring more of the same in the next 12 months.

8. Do wear cute underwear (or none at all) — even if you're married with kids.

9. Don't smack lips with your best friend's girl after half a bottle of Jack Daniels — especially if you're a gay male.

10. Do moisten your lips — there’s nothing worse than making out with sandpaper.

There you have it! Now, get out there and ring in the new year right — and safely, of course.

Happy New Year,
MM

Boys on the Side

Dear Mistress,

Throughout our many years, my man and I have talked about having an open relationship but have never really pushed it. We've said that we'll use our best judgment and just talk about it after it happens — unless we really feel a need to get the other's blessing beforehand.

We have a new mutual friend, and I'm feeling like a lust-struck teenager. I get the feeling that we'd have great sex, and I think we could keep it casual. I also think it would be worth the discussion that would be required with my man later. I have a burning desire to get some sexual frustration out on someone different, which I think could spark up my relationship. With this friend, it would just be a thing on the side and not a three-way.

I really just want some new, good sex without any real strings, discussion or work. Is this too complicated to attempt? We like to think that we'd be OK with it, but can we really know until it happens?

Signed,
Lustily Waiting

Dear L.W.,

Non-monogamous relationships are possible — but pulling them off "without any real strings, discussion or work" is not.

I'm concerned for you and your man. Engaging in sex outside the relationship without talking about it first is a mistake. The only non-monogamous relationships I've seen work have included many pre-game discussions, ground rules and negotiations. Without these things in place, the inevitable aftermath will be almost insurmountable. (Lest you think otherwise, there will be emotional aftermath to sex outside the relationship, no matter how much planning you've done.)

If you really want to pursue hot sex with someone other than your man, here's what you do: Talk to your partner. Discuss why you want to seek pleasure with someone else. Really search yourselves and, as difficult as it may be, imagine how each one of you will feel when the other walks through the door after having had a sexual experience with someone else. What will you say? Will you discuss details? How will you really feel — jealous, hurt, turned on? Believe me, you don't want to wait until afterwards to navigate this terrain.

Another thing: Do not let your first experience be with a mutual friend — talk about drama! One couple I know has very specific rules about this — the encounter has to be out of town with someone the other partner does not know. Furthermore, it's a one-time deal — no repeat performances that could lead to any sort of emotional bonding. For them, physical intimacy with a third party is fine, but emotional intimacy is an indiscretion. I'm not saying it's the best way to go about non-monogamy, but it works for that couple.

And why not have a threesome? Is having sex with your partner really that unappetizing? If both of you are involved, sex with other people could be a dream come true instead of a nightmare.

MM

P.S. This should go without saying, but be certain you're practicing safe sex and using common sense when you bring anyone new into your bedroom.

Makin' Whoopi

As if the foot and half of snow isn't enough to make you want to stay in bed this morning, check out this clip from The View where Whoopi Goldberg discusses buying a Rabbit for her daughter. It's not Whoopi buying a vibe for her daughter that makes me want to throw the covers over my head — it's the completely predictable response from idiotic co-anchor Sherri Shepherd that annoys me. You might remember her — she's the one that thought the world might be flat.

Watch the clip here (via Fleshbot). And, as always, Fleshbot is not cubicle- or child-friendly.

Happy Monday, MM

Mind Your Business

My Dear Mistress:

I'm male and have a female coworker with whom I occasionally engage in risqué, albeit innocent, sexual banter. In the past, we've exchanged our fair share of dating horror stories — hers typically involving the feeble attempts by men to gain access to her pants; mine were more along the lines of scary first dates trying to probe my hindquarters with kitchen-like appliances. Admittedly, our mutual war stories subsided considerably after I began dating someone seriously — she's still single — though she still shares her odd male encounters, and we share a hearty laugh over them.
   
Until now, that is. Recently, I thought nothing of telling my coworker about a rather vivid and juicy sex dream I had — about her. Yes, I restrained myself and wasn't graphic in the least — just the broadest of strokes, as it were. The thing is, she seemed instantly offended by my candor, and now there's this weird tension between us. I have no real fear of my coworker taking legal or employment action against me — she's way too cool for that. However, I definitely want things to be cool between us again.

Yes, I am willing to apologize, but I must confess, I feel like she's being quite the hypocrite. She shares all her gross lube stories and dicey encounters with scary, nether-region piercings, but I let slip one nocturnal emission about her, and all bets are off. What's up with that shit?!

Signed,
What Dreams May Come

Dear W.D.M.C.,

Far be it from me, the queen of inappropriate chat around the water cooler, to scold you. However, let this be a lesson to you: Talking about sex at work is risky business.

Here's where you went wrong: Your previous cubicle confessions were always about trysts with other people. Your dream, on the other hand, was about you and her. It's inherently more intimate and brings the conversation to an entirely different level. You're admitting that you've thought about having sex with her, consciously or not. If this woman bares all about her casual sex life to coworkers, sounds like she's got some intimacy and boundary issues of her own — and now they're yours to navigate.

Perhaps she's worried you were hitting on her, despite your having a girlfriend. Or, more likely, perhaps those "broad strokes" you mentioned weren't the only ones she had in mind before you got into your current relationship. Maybe she was hoping to make your dream her reality — and now you're taken.

Regardless of her reasons, she's clearly uncomfortable, and it's time to clear the air. If you hang out with her outside the workplace, address her in person. Tell her how much her friendship means to you and take full responsibility for crossing the line (however unintentional it may have been). If you don't generally see her outside work, send her an email — you don't want to create further discomfort on the job.

MM

P.S. You don't let first dates probe your hindquarters with kitchen appliances? You should try it sometime; you might like it.

It's Your Turn

Hey Readers,

With 2007 rapidly coming to a close, it's time to get ready for that all-important event — your New Year's Eve kiss! Some of you might be smacking lips with the same person you've kissed for the past 25 years, and some of you might be looking forward to a drunken smooch with a stranger — whatever the case, I want your tips and advice for laying down the best New Year's Eve kiss ever.

Email me with your funny, serious, sarcastic or thoughtful dos and don'ts (feel free to relay personal anecdotes, too). The best of the bunch will make it into Seven Days on Wednesday, December 26. Your identity will be kept a secret, so don't hold back!

One catch: I need your input soon! We have early holiday deadlines, so please email me by this Friday, December 14 at noon.

Kisses,
MM
mistress(at)sevendaysvt(dot)com

ONS

Out at a bar this weekend, this guy was wearing a t-shirt that said, "An Awkward Morning Beats A Boring Night." I love it when people advertise their willingness to go home with anything that moves — makes the process a lot easier for me.

But, the t-shirt got me thinking — is the awkwardness always worth it? As I've matured, I've become much more discerning. For instance, I'm not going to go home with you unless I'm pretty damn sure you can handle what I'm going to dish out. (I guess my t-shirt would read, "A Boring Night Alone Is Better Than A Boring Night With You.")

My t-shirt ponderings lead to an amusing conversation with some friends later that evening. I asked them: When you're about to hook up with someone, what are your deal breakers? One of my girlfriends said she was tired of having to give the guy a ride home afterward, so he has to have a car or be willing to hop a cab in the morning — the silence or small talk during the car ride was too awkward for her to handle. A guy friend said he always asks about pets before going home with someone — he had a situation once where the woman owned approximately twelve cats, and he couldn't breathe in the house (not hot).

How about you? Have any one-night stand stories to relay? Anything you have to know before hooking up with a stranger? Deal breakers?  It's Monday. C'mon. Amuse me.

xoxo,
MM

Found In Winooski

If you've seen Found Magazine, you know how amusing discarded pieces of paper can be.

Last night, while bar hopping in Winooski, my friends and I came across this gem. It's one part bar pick-up, one part sixth grade. In case you can't read it, it says:

Knock
Knock

Can I take U outta here

Check

Yes        No         Maybe

Let's hope the action was a little better than the adolescent fumblings of this come-on note.

If the pursuer or the pursued happens to be reading this blog, drop a comment and let me know how it was.

MM

Have We Learned Nothing?

I was reading one of my favorite smart-ass, salacious blogs yesterday (Jezebel.com), and I was surprised to find info about a new gender study conducted right here in Vermont! Jennifer Sellers, an assistant professor of psychology at Green Mountain College, was the lead author of the study.

Sellers and her team asked 95 students to watch videos of four married couples talking. Some students watched videos where the woman was verbally assertive in various situations and some students watched men be more verbally assertive in the same scenarios. To my horror, the students looked more favorably upon relationships where the woman was the verbally submissive partner (for example, in one of the videos, the verbally submissive female throws a dish towel down and leaves the kitchen when angry, rather than communicating with her partner). Further horrifying, the students saw the less verbal men as inferior. So, I guess we still think men should wear the pants?

I'm so happy to live in my cozy, liberal Burlington bubble, and this shit is a little too close to home. Like Jezebel says, "If students in Vermont are stuck thinking that women can be seen but not heard and that a real man is always dominant over his wife, what hope is there for the rest of the country?"

You can read more about the study at LiveScience.com.

Stalks and Bonds

Dear Mistress Maeve,

This seems a bit platonic for your column, but here I am.

Seven months ago, I tried to break off all relations with a friend of mine after a discussion over boundaries and the nature of our friendship ended in her attempting suicide. Ever since then she has refused to leave me alone, backing off when I complain but inevitably coming back; the longest she's left me alone is two months, usually much less. I've yelled at her, threatened her with the police, threatened her with my boyfriend, asked her nicely, and just plain ignored her, yet she persists in her cheerful demands for forgiveness and friendship.

I believe she's a good person, that she has healed from her problems, and I wish her the best, but I just don't feel like speaking to her, certainly not on her terms, anyway. How can I peacefully get her to leave me alone without involving the police?

Signed,
Plagued

Hey Plagued,

You're right; this is a little beyond the scope of my column — but a relationship is a relationship, right?

Sounds like you've got a "friend" with severe boundary issues. Without knowing her mental health status or the exact nature of your friendship prior to its demise, it's difficult to assess the situation. However, it seems like your current issues with her have little to do with the past.

Nobody likes to feel pressured or "stalked." That she doesn't respect your wishes is unacceptable — that her advances remain cheerful despite your threats is just plain creepy.

Until now, you've made only empty threats — and she clearly knows you're bluffing. It's time for you to follow through. No more yelling, no more boyfriend threats. Be smart — reach out to a police officer or lawyer and learn your options. Call her; don't wait for her to call you. Set up a meeting in a public place where neither of you is likely to cause a scene, like a coffee shop. Bring a trusted, levelheaded friend or family member with you — someone who will respectfully witness your conversation. Calmly express to her that you're proud of her progress and wish her the best, but make it clear that you no longer want to have contact with her. Assure her that you will take legal action this time if she reaches out to you in any way. Make sure she understands and then calmly leave.

The most important thing is — if she contacts you after this conversation, you have to make good on your ultimatum. Do not do anything stupid and get yourself in trouble; go through the proper channels.

Good luck,
MM

New York State of Mind

A friend called me from New York City yesterday and told me to check out Time Out New York's latest sex issue online, particularly the "Who Just Had Sex?" quiz.

Brilliant! Time Out collected twelve photos of hipsters people who either just had sex or just went for a run — and you have to decide who's who.

I did horribly — I only got 50% correct.

Take the quiz here and report back on your score.

Bon chance,
MM