Subtle Subtext

For those of you not hooked up with Boing Boing, I'm posting this hilarious Scrabble Gram that was ACTUALLY PRINTED in the Washington Post last Friday.

Can you unscramble the first puzzle? (You can click on the graphic to enlarge.)

Once upon a time (of the month)

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My girlfriends and I want to know the deal: What's up with sex during your period? We're all in agreement that we're horny as hell when Aunt Flo's in town, but most of us are hesitant about the mess, the smell, the ick.

It's an open question. What are your thoughts?

Signed,
The Menses Maidens

Dear Maidens,

Hang on to your wings — this could get messy.

Having sex during your period presents some potential challenges, including taking a break from the action to perform the tampon yank-out. Not hot.

However, a little menstrual blood shouldn't stop you or your partner from enjoying a hot session of lovemaking. In fact, aside from being insatiably horny when "Aunt Flo's in town," many women report that orgasms alleviate menstrual cramping. Can't beat that.

If you're concerned about the mess, avoid too much contact on your heaviest days, place a dark towel underneath you and keep a supply of baby wipes nearby. You can also go for anal sex during your time of the month (ditto on the baby wipes).

The bottom line is: Don't avoid sex during your period if you're horny. When it's good, sex is messy. Besides, what's one more bodily fluid when you're already dealing with sweat, mucus, saliva, vaginal fluid, semen and so on? Human bodies, while arousing, are just plain gross — get over it.

And, lest you're confused, you CAN get pregnant during your period. Sure, it's less likely — but if you don't want to have his baby, use protection.

Always,
MM

State of Undress

Last night, while households across America tuned into Bush's State of the Union Address, I tuned into the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals' Second Annual State of the Union Undress. In the online video, "Madame Speaker" recounts PETA's 2007 successes — and strips off everything, from her spectacles to her thong. 

Here's the "safe for work" version of the video (read: lame). You can get the full monty by clicking here. Just a warning for the squeamish — the video ends with some hard-to-watch footage of abused animals (what a contrast).

Watch more PETA videos at PETATV.com

The List

While scouring the Internet for sex-related news, I found this article in the UK's Times Online. In the piece, Carrie Jones — an author releasing Cutting Up Playgirl: A Cheerful Memoir Of Sexual Disappointment next month — thoughtfully and honestly reveals details about the 23 men who comprise her list. (You know, "The List" — a running tally of all the people one's slept with.)

I felt instantly inspired. I'd been meaning to make "The List" for quite some time, so I popped open a fresh Word document and set to work. Now, I'm not going to tell you how many names made "The List," but I will say that it was a smaller number than I had anticipated. Since my last long-term relationship ended and my sideline as a sex blogger started, I've been a busy little bee. And happily so. I had some lost time to make up for and oodles of new things I wanted to try. In fact, if "The List" included making out with virtual strangers, fooling around in public places, bondage, voyeurism, camming and phone sex, it would be a much longer list.

But I digress.

In the article, Jones states that out of the 23 men she's slept with, she would only invite three of them back for another romp in the sheets. That got me thinking. Looking at my list, I also count only three that I'd welcome back into my bed. No, you don't know my total number, but believe me — that's not a favorable ratio.

What about you? How many are on your list? How many would you invite back?

Leave me a comment — you can do so anonymously (just make up a name and skip the other two fields).

Checking it twice,
MM

Sex, Lies and. . . Japan

According to an article I read this morning, Spa! — a weekly Japanese men's magazine, a la Maxim — claims that more and more Japanese women are pretending to be less sexually experienced than they actually are. These women say they have an easier time exciting men if they play innocent and allow the men to "teach them what they know."

The article got me thinking...

I guess I've always operated under the belief that telling the truth about one's sexual past is the way to go. I'm turned on by hearing about my partners' past escapades. Plus, if he/she has had a lot of experience, that might mean a better orgasm for me. However, I might be in the minority here. I know many people would prefer not to think about their partners being with other people. Or, worse, individuals (usually dudes) who want their girlfriends and wives to be virginal pictures of perfection untainted by the throes of lust — meanwhile, they delve into their more prurient natures alone by watching porn, having cyber sex or engaging in extra-marital activities. LAME. Don't these guys know they can have both? Like the saying goes, you can be "lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets."

I'm rambling. Must be Friday.

So, here's my question: Have you ever lied about your level of experience? If so, did you pretend to be less experienced or more experienced? Thoughts?

Leave a comment. (You can comment anonymously — just make up a fake name and skip the email and web fields.)

And the orgasm goes to. . .

Dear Mistress Maeve,

First, I want to thank you for your column. The questions you answer and your advice and suggestions are so informative and interesting. I am hoping you can help me with this question.
   
My boyfriend told me (I'm a gal) that my orgasms aren't "very big" when compared to his previous experiences. He is the first person to ever mention size of orgasm to me. And I have had the most long-lasting, pleasurable and amazing orgasms with him. I am fairly vocally expressive and thoroughly satisfied. I am not sure what he is referring to, and I hesitate to ask him. Do you have thoughts about this?

Sincerely,
Satisfied Yet Puzzled

Dear Puzzled,

Thank you for the compliment — flattery will get you everywhere. Believe me, it's a "pleasure" to read what horny Vermonters are doing behind closed doors (and in cow pastures, parked cars and conference rooms).

Moving on to your question. What does your boyfriend expect? Perhaps he'd like you to do a triple Lutz off the bed and stick the landing while climaxing? Unless you're Michelle Kwan, that's not going to happen.

The fact of the matter is that women have orgasms in all shapes and sizes, and no one deserves to be scrutinized for her rendition of bliss. After all, we're going for pleasure here, not an Academy Award — right?

But let's give your man the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps he's worried that he's not giving you the orgasm you desire. As you suggested in your letter, tell him he's the best you've ever had — all of us can use a little reassurance once in a while.

And, although you do not have to change your ways for him, it could be fun to throw some new moves into your routine. You don't need to turn into Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally, but saying his name, making some serious eye contact, or running your nails down his back could make the orgasm more exciting for you. If it's more exciting for him, too — well, that's just a bonus.

Loud and proud,
MM

Not today. I have a headache.

Is anyone else insanely busy this week? When life and the 9-5 gets hectic, it's tough to find the energy to think thoughtfully or provocatively about sex. Talk about irony. Readers write in all the time asking me how people manage to work, raise families, workout, sleep, eat and still make time to do it with their partners. Do it? I can't even muster enough strength to write about. Well, this week, anyway. . .

Plus, when I'm overtired, I make mistakes. Like this guy I found via Dooce. He's a preacher who is clearly a little over-stimulated.

Yes, I'm totally copping out by presenting you with a funny video today. Have no fear, I'm sure my dirty mind will rear its pretty head again soon.

Enjoy,
MM

Return to Sender

The lovely ladies from the House of Lemay passed along this interesting news bit from Queerty.com.

Apparently, the Goteborg, Sweden bomb squad was called out recently when a janitor noticed a suspicious vibrating package. If I'm writing about it, you can probably guess what it was — a vibrator that had somehow switch on while on route to its new owner.

I guess the batteries were included.

xoxo,
MM

Her Little Helper

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm a 23-year-old male, and I have been with my fiancée for almost two years. When we have sex, I have no problem getting off, but she needs me to use a vibrator on her in order to have an orgasm. Sometimes she doesn't even want me to do it, and I just lie there next to her like a limp fish and wait for her to get off.

I feel resentful that she needs two AA batteries to have an orgasm instead of me. I try to use my hands and tongue, but nothing seems to satisfy like her vibrator. I want her to be happy, but I'm starting to get pissed off every time we have sex, and I know I have to do something about it.

Signed,
Captain Inadequate

Dear Captain,

It's not the vibrator that's bothering you — it's the lack of connection you feel when she slides 6 inches of battery-powered love between her thighs instead of you.

I can't speak to why your fiancée prefers to get herself off, but I have talked to lots of women who feel guilty if it takes them "too long" to orgasm. Instead of "burdening" their partners with the task, they prefer to have self-induced, stress-free orgasms. Unfortunately, this can often lead to their partners’ feeling left out, as you do now.

Luckily, there is a solution. You do not have to lie there like a limp fish. Have you ever tried using your hands or tongue while she's using her vibrator? How about whispering naughty things to her while she's getting herself off? If you can "insert" yourself without actually inserting yourself, you will create more comfort and intimacy — which could lead to her casting you as the leading man in future orgasms, rather than the stand-in.

Also, tell her how you're feeling. Let her know that you care about her pleasure and that you're willing to do whatever it takes to get her off. Just remember — if, on occasion, your fiancée wants to get herself off after sex, don't freak out. Sometimes a girl just knows when it's a D.I.Y job.

Your first mate,
MM

Public Service Announcement

I don't know how I've been in the dark so long, but I just found out about the Rejection Hotline.

No more trying to politely navigate the unwanted advances of every Tom, Dick and Harry with bad breath, too much cologne and/or a bad habit of spitting when he talks. Now you can just give him the Rejection Hotline number and be done with it! When the unwanted suitor calls the number, he'll hear something like: This is not the person you are trying to call. You've reached the rejection hotline. You might have received this number because you're dumb, arrogant or a general weirdo. Going out with you is as appealing as playing leap frog with unicorns. Do your best to forget about the person who gave you this number because — trust us — they've already forgotten about you.

The message goes on and on (and also offers callers a chance to buy ringtones and other nonsense). Genius idea — unless your unwanted suitor calls the number before you leave the bar.

Here's the Boston-area number (the closest to Vermont): 617-861-3962. If you live elsewhere, check the website for other local numbers. You can also get rejection email addresses and other fun stuff.

Do I Know You From Somewhere?

. . . like the womb?

I couldn't make this up if I tried.

The BBC is reporting that a UK court recently annulled the marriage of a couple who found out, shortly after their nuptials, that they were actually twins separated at birth. True story.

Most of the details about the couple have been kept under wraps, but the former Liberal Democrat MP shared some of their story during a recent House of Lords debate about a Human Fertility and Embryology Bill, saying, "They met later in life and felt an inevitable attraction."

To quote a fellow coworker, "Creeeeepy."

A Hairy Situation

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I keep encouraging my boyfriend to shave his pubic area or at least trim it. I hate going down on him because his hair is too long — yuck! He says he doesn't know how to shave his sack. Any pointers?

Signed,
Got Him By The Short Hairs

Dear G.H.B.T.S.H.,

I have answered a similar question before, but this topic seems to come up over and over again. I hear you — there's nothing more unappetizing than a mouthful of pubic hair. If your man wants you to continue giving him oral, he should at least trim. Tell him to buy a small pair of scissors and have at it. I know that men don't generally like sharp, pointy objects near their junk, but too bad.

If he wants to do the whole kit and caboodle, here are some pointers for shaving:

1. Trim the excess hair using scissors or clippers

2. Sit in a warm bath or take a hot shower — this will loosen his scrotum and soften the hair

3. Use quality shaving cream or gel — no soap

4. Pull the skin of the scrotum taut, giving him a flat shaving surface

5. Using a sharp razor, make deliberate strokes until all the hair is gone (please, no dull blades on the balls, ok?)

6. Moisturize with a mild cream, like a facial moisturizer

With any luck, your man will be unscathed, and you will be a much happier oral performer.

Have any pointers? Leave a comment.

xoxo,
MM

The Only Dating Book You'll Ever Need

When I'm out meeting people, I have a tendency to blurt, "What's your sign?" within the first ten minutes of getting to know them. Aside from sounding like a cheap come on, asking about someone's astrological sign can also sound a little flakey (depending on the company). But, the truth is, I haven't met a sun sign yet that didn't — in most ways — fit the descriptions I've read in books. More interesting, how they interact with my sign is usually right on the money, too. It's like having insider trading information without the indictments. For instance, Geminis tend to run from commitment, so play it cool. Leos like to have their egos stroked, so ask them for their advice in important matters.

Okay. I know. I know. I hear it from my mother all the time who scoffs when I say, "But, Mom, he's a Cancer! I can't date another Cancer! They're too sensitive, and me and my giant personality will end up walking all over him, shredding him to pieces." (Plus, he'll never be able to handle me in bed — but I don't tell this to my mother.)

Her response: "You can't prejudge people! Plus, if you decide he's not right for you before you get to know him, you won't have a prayer."

She has a point. And the more I study astrology, the more I think we're both right. I believe that people have these inherent traits based upon their astrological information, but I don't think you should abandon all hopes of a relationship with someone based solely upon poor sign compatibility. At the very least, astrological information can be used as an indicator of what's to come. If you and a potential mate are astrologically bound to butt heads in the bedroom (and not in a good way), isn't it better to know ahead of time so you can prepare? With enough patience and communication, most problems can be worked out — what's wrong with a little foresight?

If you're curious about astrology and how it relates to dating and sex, I wholeheartedly recommend Sextrology by Starsky and Cox. In addition to discussing relationship compatibility for straight and gay folks alike, Starsky and Cox go so far as to identify likely fetishes unique to each sign and — my favorite — genitalia. Did you know that Leo, Capricorn and Aries men tend to have large members? (And, yes, I've confirmed it.)

What do you think about Astrology and how it relates to dating? Think I'm nuts? Leave me a comment.

Crazy Gemini Love,
MM

Speed Limit

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I have been on and off with the same man for three years. Because our relationship has been hot and cold, I’ve never done much to address certain things about him that bother me. Meaning, each time we start up again, his same annoying habits are still there.

Well, now we’re on again, and there’s something I want to take care of — the speed at which he comes.

Every time we start fooling around, my man comes within, oh, five minutes. Maximum. His excuse? “You’re just so good!”

If we are able to have sex multiple times in one interlude, he lasts longer, and I am generally able to come along with him on the third romp in the sheets. The thing is, we don’t always have the time — or the will — to make it through three whole sex sessions.

I am lucky — he never leaves me hanging. He is more than happy to finish me off with his hand or a vibrator, but I’m sick of feeling like a burden in bed when I truly believe the problem lies on his side of the mattress.

Signed,
Anita Moore-Johnson

Dear Ms. Moore-Johnson,

So, let me get this straight. Your man can go three rounds in bed, gives you orgasms with his hands and vibrators — and you're upset?

Look on the bright side; things could be a lot worse — he could give you his five-minute man show, roll over and start snoring. But he's not doing that. He clearly cares about your satisfaction and should be willing to work on this "problem."

If you haven't yet done so, talk to him about the issue. Tell him how much you love having an orgasm when he's inside you, and that you wish it could happen every time. Further, tell him you'd like to actively pursue an orgasm during the first round of intercourse, so that you don't feel like an afterthought or a burden.

Make it fun and suggest the two of you work on it together. For instance, before your next rendezvous, leave him a sexy voicemail encouraging him to rub one out on his own so he can last longer for you later. Or, the next time you're having intercourse, get a little dominant with him. Tell him to stop thrusting and give you some oral or manual stimulation — this will bring you closer to orgasm and give him a chance to cool off.

Above all, don't lose sight of the good aspects of your sexual relationship — sounds like he's pretty hot, even if he is a two-pump chump.

Love,
MM

A Streetcar Named Desire

I received an email today from a friend who moved from Vermont to Seattle for work. Apparently, since arriving in Seattle, he's been riding the South Lake Union Trolley — or, the SLUT. Yes, that's right — he rides the SLUT everyday.

The good news is, the SLUT is eco-friendly. . . so at least she's clean. (Or, I suppose it could also be a "he." I know more man-sluts these days.)

I'm going to ask my pal to get me a t-shirt from nearby Kapow! Coffee that reads, "Ride the SLUT." Hey, I've always been a supporter of my friendly neighborhood SLUT.

(photo courtesy of seattlepi.com)

Dating?

I don't know if it's the low-grade depression that accompanies fall turning into winter or the overwhelming energy suck of the holidays — but dating hasn't been a priority the past couple of months. Lest you misunderstand me — my sex life has been great (hot sex is a must when you're dealing with holiday shopping). I just haven't felt like investing the kind of energy and time that dating requires. Until now. Something about the New Year and all the hope it holds makes me perk up in all areas, from health to relationships. Perhaps I'm just a lame "New Year's resolution" cliche, but whatever — I'll take hope in whatever way it comes.

When I'm reentering the dating game after some time away, I always feel like and alien on an alien planet. For someone who's supposedly well-versed in most things dirty and perverted, I can be horribly awkward when it comes to dating. Having sex is easy — negotiating first kisses and second dates takes a specialized skill set that I haven't yet mastered. And being the author of an anonymous sex blog only complicates matters — I have to make sure all product samples, DVDs and naughty books are put away before inviting dates over. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of my kinky mind — but I don't want to scare anyone off (the industrial eye hooks in the living room archway are probably enough of an indicator, anyway...).

But, in the end, all the first date fumbling and new relationship maneuvering is always worth it — it's fun to have butterflies when you think of someone, even if it doesn't work out in the end. So, if you're single, what are you waiting for?

Here's to the New Year,
MM

Advice, Quick-Like

A friend went out on a second date with a guy last night, and it reportedly went well — lots of laughs, quick goodnight kiss and tentative plans to hang out on the weekend.

Today is his birthday.

She's wondering how to handle the birthday wishes, given their "mostly MySpace, only one phone call and first one-on-one date" scenario.

So, let's help her out.

Opinion Polls & Market Research

Date Movies

P.S. I Love You? The perfect date movie for the holiday season?

Whatever.

The best date movie out right now is Juno, and I'll tell you why: It's brilliantly written by Diablo Cody, who also writes a blog called The Pussy Ranch (so, clearly, she's brilliant). You and your date should be laughing (or at least chuckling) approximately every sixty seconds throughout the entire movie — except towards the end when you might actually shed a tear for Juno, the pregnant-at-sixteen heroine. Here's a tip: If your date doesn't get the humor, you shouldn't be dating him/her. If you don't get the humor, well, I guess you shouldn't be dating me.

I never really got why mushy love stuff is supposed to make a good date movie, at least when the dating is just getting off the ground. The first few dates are awkward enough without some Hollywood rendition of love being shoved down your throats in Dolby surround sound.

That said, I think it's far worse to go to a horrible date movie — a coworker told me yesterday that she went on a first date to see David Lynch's Mulholland Drive. There wasn't a second date. So, in an effort to help you, my fair readers, here's a link to Nerve.com's 50 best date movies. You're not going to see P.S. I Love You among the titles, because Nerve.com is too nervy for that. Instead, you'll see titles like Barbarella, The Jerk, Moonstruck and Heathers alongside more romantic choices like Say Anything, Before Sunrise and Casablanca.

What are your favorite date movies? You can leave comments anonymously, just make up a name and skip the email field.

Lights, camera, action,
MM