Rollin'

Vermont just got A LOT hotter. Roller Derby is here!

You can check out the Green Mountain Derby Dames at their MySpace page, too.

(Photo by Matt Thorsen — another reason why Vermont is hot.)

Mouthing Off

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I have a problem, and I know that if anyone can help, you can.

I'm a 26-year-old female, and I've been seeing this guy for about three months. For the first time in my life, I'm totally stoked about a guy. We're both totally open about sex and having fun so far, but I wish I could give him a better blow job. I've always had this same problem where I gag when a guy gets little more than his head into my mouth. I'm a smaller girl with small features, but can my mouth really be too small for oral sex?

I know he really likes receiving oral, and I'm afraid he'll get frustrated with my overly sensitive gag reflex.
Mistress, can you give me some tips?

Signed,
All Choked Up

Dear A.C.U,

Do not fret, my small-mouthed friend — there is a future for you in oral sex.

Ever since Linda Lovelace defied the gag reflex in 1972's Deep Throat, people have measured a good blow job by how many inches one can swallow. While I could give Lovelace a run for her money, I'm not so shortsighted as to think deep throating is all there is to giving a successful blow job. Besides, most of the feeling is in his head and the first third of his shaft — not at the base.

Girl, you need to work out your own technique that highlights your unique talents. Try gripping his shaft with a lubed hand (or two, depending on his length) and using your mouth on the head. If you move your hand and mouth in tandem, he most likely won't know where your mouth ends and your hand begins. And don't forget to work his entire area. If you use your mouth and tongue on his scrotum, taint and ass (if he's willing) and stroke him at the same time — he won't miss the deep throat thrusting.

If you're still adamant about taking in more of him, try some new positions: Taking him into your mouth from a new angle may do the trick. Instead of the typical kneeling positions, try going at it from the sixty-nine setup. (More fun for you, too!)

Above all, remember to have fun. There's no rule book when it comes to oral sex. If you shine in other oral areas, your deep throat deficiency will be an easier load for him to swallow.

Love,
MM

P.S. Do you have some advice for All Choked Up? Leave a comment and spread your knowledge. You can comment anonymously — just make up a name and skip the rest.

Relationship R.I.P

In an article published this week, The Naughty American examines a new site that puts relationships to rest the old-fashioned way — with an obituary.

Apparently, Kathleen Horan, radio reporter and founder of RelationshipObit.com, started the site when she realized that relationships could be therapeutically buttoned up as nicely as a life in an obituary — with a beginning, a middle and an end.

The relationship obits read much like regular death notices with lists of survivors (like goldfish, plasma televisions and overdue electric bills) and causes of death — a couple of my favorites being "Suspected lack of testicles, possibly coupled with a complete lack of feeling above the waist" and "It's better to lose a lover, than to love a loser."

TNA reports that within its first few weeks of going live, RelationshipObit.com is already getting 25,000 hits per day. With 500 relationship obits posted, you've gotta believe that Horan has touched upon something both entertaining and useful. It's therapeutic to lay dead relationships to rest — and it sure is fun to read about the failures of others.

You can post your relationship obits, too. You'll have to register, but it's worth it to bury your ex once and for all.

MM

With Us, It's Personal

I'm a pretty tough broad. I played ice hockey. I've been in bar fights (and won). But, this past week, I met my match. I was completely laid out and put to shame by. . . the flu. Did you know this is supposedly the worst flu season in recent memory? Let me tell you — there's nothing sexy about body aches, runny eyes and a hacking cough. Gross.

By Sunday, I was out of everything, from tissues to Tylenol. So I got dressed for the first time in five days and ventured out to my local Rite Aid Pharmacy. I was anticipating a ho-hum trip to the store, but that's not what I got. As I rounded the corner from beauty aids, headed to the medicine aisle, I saw it — the personal care section. And what was front and center, at eye-level, on the shelf? A vibrator. A fucking VIBRATOR. At RITE AID.

There it was, the Durex Little Gem "personal massager" for $39.99. And lest anyone confuse it with a back or neck massager, this vibe with "flutter action" was positioned smack between Rite Aid's own brand of "warming" lubricant and the biggest condom selection I've seen anywhere. Nope — no mistaking. Rite Aid is in the adult toy business.

I have to say, I'm impressed. It's tough to find the brands you like and products you need in Vermont, but now I know that I can get Astroglide, female condoms and a new vibrator right up the road. And, hey, talk about convenience — I can also get Monistat and Summer's Eve in the same aisle (sad, but true — sometimes extended sexual interludes can leave us a little worse for wear).

And had I not felt like the walking dead, I may have been motivated to buy that Little Gem and review it for y'all. But, alas, I'm still gross with flu. Maybe next time.

Think Outside the Box

I've heard through the grapevine that some people (read: men) are in disagreement with my assertion that vibrators do not cause desensitization in women. One reader relayed that one of his buddies was certain that I was incorrect because he had experienced quite the opposite — saying that after spending time with her vibrator, a past lover could no longer get off with his penis alone.

Uh. Well. DUH.

I don't know many women who CAN get off with a penis alone. Sure, lots of women enjoy a vibrating cock inside them, but I'm willing to bet that the majority of women are using their vibrators on their clits. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that you can't get that same desired effect from a penis doing the old in-and-out motion. You can, however, put in a little extra effort by using your fingers on her clit mid-coitus. Or, you could invite her to use her own fingers on her clit while you're inside her. OR, heaven forbid, you could even invite her to bring the vibrator along for the ride.

Vibrators do NOT desensitize women. They give them bigger and better orgasms, thereby challenging you to bring your a-game when it's time to get it on. Saying that vibrators desensitize women is a total copout. C'mon. Think outside the "box."

MM

Comfortably Numb

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I've been having a covert love affair —with my vibrator.

I use it pretty much every day, sometimes two or three times a day on the weekends. While I recharge the batteries, I can't help but wonder — will I wear out my batteries?

Some of my friends say that using a vibrator so frequently will make me lose sensation down there, or make it really hard to get off with a partner. I have noticed that the more I use it, the longer it takes each time. I don't want to have to keep upgrading, and I definitely do not want to end this extremely satisfying affair. Is it true that pleasing myself will make me harder to please? Please help!

Yours,
Feel-Good Fiend

Dear F.-G. F.,

The greatest invention of all time is the vibrator. Forget about Edison and Tesla's electrical grid and Gutenberg's printing press — when George Taylor invented the steam-powered vibrating device in the 1800s, he catapulted himself into my top spot (literally).

Taylor, a physician, used his vibrator as a device to cure women’s hysteria. While the technique may have been crude and sexist, I'm sure his primitive vibrator did relieve tension in his female patients— and didn't desensitize any of them.

The idea that frequent masturbating can cause desensitization of the clitoris and genitals is pure fiction. In fact, spending quality time with your body, discovering how it works and what gets you off, will only make sex with a partner that much more pleasurable for you both.

It's probably taking you longer to get off because you're concentrating on how long it's taking you, rather than on how good it feels. Just relax and enjoy your vibrator. You'll know when it's time to give your battery-operated partner a rest and enjoy the intimacy and touch you can only get from another person.

Buzzing with excitement,
MM

Anyone for tea?

A reader sent me this Durex commercial via Jezebel.com. I wish American commercials were this entertaining. No setup required — just watch and enjoy.

When you care enough to send the very best.

Pop quiz time!

Question: If you're diagnosed with a sexually transmitted disease, what's the first thing you should do after seeing your doctor and starting treatment?

Answer: TELL YOUR PAST SEXUAL PARTNERS TO GET TESTED.

While I know this sounds completely logical to you, my level-headed and responsible readers, some people just can't bring themselves to warn others who may have been exposed. Contacting old partners only to be the bearer of bad news can be frightening and embarrassing.

Luckily the folks at the San Francisco Internet Sexuality Information Services teamed up with the city's Department of Public Health to bring you InSpot.org — a site where you can send anonymous E-Cards to prior partners, warning them about your STD and urging them to get tested. The site currently only lists health links for a handful of cities and states, but you can send an anonymous card anywhere.

Hey, if phone, email, text or fax doesn't work for you — here's one more way to do the right thing.

Be safe. Be responsible.

MM

Breaking news: Gorillas perform boring sex act.

Just in time for Valentine's Day, researchers have released the first-ever photos of gorillas doing it missionary style. The two animals caught in the act were George and Leah (one of George's four girlfriends). Apparently gorillas don't usually do it face-to-face, but researchers said, "Leah was lying on the ground and George was looking into Leah's eyes."

And here I thought gorillas were highly-evolved.

(Forgive the snark, but it is Valentine's Day, after all.)

Gas station roses,
MM

Sweet Thang

At the office today, a delivery man dropped off a big box for a male coworker. It was from CookiePots.com and was clearly a Valentine's Day gift, so — naturally — all the womenfolk in the office gathered around and demanded he open it on the spot (and in front of an audience).

First we saw a flowerpot with chocolate chip cookies fashioned on sticks to look like flowers.
Aw.

Then we saw a little heart balloon sticking out of the pot.
Aww.

Then a card that read, "Wanna Make Out?"
Awww!

Then we saw a plastic beaker-looking thing filled with yellow liquid that read: Sex Shot. Drink 15 minutes prior to romantic interlude for more stamina and endurance.
WHAT?!?!?!

Needless to say, that was the most entertaining thing that happened at work today. I'm sure those two will have a great V-Day, all hopped up on sugar and Sex Shots. And it was a creative, out-of-the-ordinary gift.

What are you getting for your Valentine? And don't give me any of that "Nothing. Valentine's Day is a manufactured holiday that doesn't have anything to do with love" crap.  Believe me, I'm the first to hate on V-Day, but everyone wants something sweet from the person they're sweet on. . .

xoxo,
MM

Come Again?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

For most of my sexual life, after having an orgasm, I would always make the man stop touching me because my clitoris and vagina felt too spent and sensitive. However, things with my current boyfriend are different.
   
Now, instead of wanting him to stop, I want my boyfriend to continue stimulating me after I come. When he does this, I feel a sense of complete abandon and ecstasy that I have never experienced before. I can continue to come, and I once even had a fit of reflexive laughter.
   
Some of my questions are: Am I experiencing "multiple orgasms" — or are extended orgasms and multiple orgasms different? Why would I have the experience of laughing reflexively during orgasm and why only once? Why did my experience of orgasm change?

Signed,
Lady O

Dear Lady O,

Kudos to you and your boyfriend for exploring the heights of your pleasure. Too often women are afraid to ask for what we want out of fear of being a "burden" to our partners. But the fact of the matter is, we are capable of many rounds of orgasms, and our partners should be willing to take on the task. Perhaps your experience of orgasm changed when you found a trusted partner who was open to fulfilling your needs?

You are not alone in your confusion about multiple orgasms. For some women, multiple orgasms don't often feel like a string of independent events. Rather, having multiple orgasms can feel like one prolonged action. We deem them "multiple" because it seems the easiest way to differentiate them from the usual one-hit-wonder male orgasm. (Hey, when did we start defining our sex by male standards, anyway?)

As for the laughing, it's completely natural. I've run the gamut of emotional outbursts during and after orgasm — from tears of joy to raging anger. Many of us are at our most vulnerable during sex, particularly post-orgasm. When we're that open, any emotion is likely to rear its head. Just embrace it — it's all part of the ride.

Many happy returns,
MM

Fasten Your Seatbelts

These days, you can do anything from your car — watch a DVD, get a back massage and even play a game of gin rummy on your mini-van's card table with accompanying swivel seats.

Whatever happened to the good old days when all you used your car for was getting from Point A to Point B and the occasional baby-making session in the back seat? Well, authors Alex Games and Ester Selsdon are bringing us back to our automobile roots with their book Carma Sutra. In this "auto-erotic handbook," Games and Selsdon illustrate the many ways to get it on in the car. If you have a car-lover for a Valentine, this could be the perfect gift.

My advice: Just wait until the temperatures creep back above zero — that gear shift can get mighty cold this time of year.

Solo

When was the last time you masturbated? Today? Last night? Last week? I know there must be exceptions, but I think most of you who read this blog are probably regular masturbators. I know I am.

I have to admit, though, my masturbatory routine has become somewhat mundane lately. Give me both my hands and about two minutes — and I'm done. (For the record, I can often get myself off in one minute if I'm under pressure. I've been known to secretly get myself off while my bedfellow takes a quick trip to bathroom — dastardly little devil, I am.)

But I digress.

Tonight I'm doing things differently. Before I sleep tonight, I will take out a few of my favorite toys, light candles, put on some Portishead and give myself along-overdue solo session. Whether you're masturbating because you're single, because you're in a new relationship and waiting to get it on, or just because you like it, there's no reason you shouldn't put in a little extra time to make it a more relaxing, pleasurable experience. Get inspired — read erotica, watch your favorite porno, think about that person who's been invading your fantasies lately.

Instead of that perfectly-timed 3-minute pop song, play yourself the extended remix...

Have fun.

xoxo,
MM

Now Hear This

OK, Mistress Maeve:

I am asking for your help. PLEASE give some help to those clueless men out there who aren't familiar with first kiss etiquette.
   
The first kiss should NOT involve saliva of any kind. NO open lips. NO open mouth and definitely NO tongue. Gross!!!

If you are at the end of a first date and get beyond the cheek (on the face), the first foray into the region should be a CLOSED-lip, nay an almost pursed-lipped, step above a peck. If that isn't rejected, then and ONLY then should the lips be moved during the kiss. THEN, if you are REALLY lucky, you might venture into the slightly open-lipped territory.
   
Tongue should NOT be introduced until AFTER the open lips have been accepted.
   
When I pull away from a first kiss at the end of the first date, I do NOT want my lips to get cold from the evaporation of your gross spit.
   
That is about all I have to say about that. In short, no open and/or wet lips on the first kiss, please. I would have thought it was common knowledge. I have learned, sadly — and disgustedly — that it is not.

Signed,
Kissed by a St. Bernard

Dear Readers:

Yes. What she said.

Relationship-appropriate kisses,
MM

Sure Cure

A number of my friends have the same problem: If they don't eat, they become cranky, irritable and downright miserable. Luckily, they all seem to know this about themselves and take care not to go hungry (most of the time). I never miss a meal, so what can I blame my irrationally bad mood on?

According to Rose Rivera, founder of SpeakSexy.org, I can blame it on lack of sex. (Careful, SpeakSexy.org is not recommended for work viewing.) Rivera explains that because humans innately crave sex (for procreation, survival of the fittest, etc), it's only natural that our bodies would give us cues when we've gone too long without getting laid. Further, she expresses that we have varying lack-of-sex thresholds — meaning that while some of us get cranky when we haven't had sex in 24 hours, some of us can go months without being adversely affected (however, I think people in the latter category are aliens).

Wondering if you're showing signs of sex deprivation? Here's a short list of behaviors that may indicate you need some lovin':

    * General and mounting irritability (huh-huh, "mounting" irritability)
    * Overall feeling of frustration without knowing the cause
    * Feeling stressed for "no reason"
    * Excessive/lack of hunger or sleep
    * Anger and/or other unexplainable negative emotions toward your partner
    * Vivid sexual dreams that may lead to wet dreams for both men and women

Uh. Really? I am currently exhibiting five out of the six behaviors. I'm not hungry, so apparently I need sex RIGHT NOW.

What about you? How long can you go before lack of sex starts to affect you negatively?

Kisses,
MM

Theme Song

About two years ago, some months after my first big breakup and a few weeks into a rampant sex binge, my best friend said to me, "I found your theme song."

That song was "The Taste of You" by Erin McKeown, a swinging little ditty about promiscuity.

Here's a snippet, so you can get the gist:

I want a kiss in the morning
That's all I need
Just a little kiss in the morning
Don't want no guarantees
I am not looking for love
You don't see me on my knees
Just a kiss in the morning
Is all I need

Pretty accurate, although I was often on my knees — just not begging for love. The song suited me at the time and — for the time being — still does.

So, last night at the Seven Days Hot Ticket show at Higher Ground featuring Erin McKeown, I enthusiastically called out my theme song when she asked the crowd for requests. To my surprise, she obliged me.

She let the crowd in on the story behind my song — it's about strippers. Fitting, sort of, yet it got me thinking: When will I be singing a different tune? How long does it take to actually sow one's oats?

Don't get me wrong, it's been a fun ride — but even the best ride in the park makes you nauseous after one too many times.

Questions for you, oh wise readers: When did you know it was time to march to the beat of a different drummer? When and how did you look for more than "a kiss in the morning" and goodbye?

Tell me. What's your story?

Love,
MM