Crank My Chain

One thing's for sure, Vermonters love their bicycles. Some Vermonters even ride 'em naked.

I find something inherently sexy about riding a bike — all that metal, chain and rubber between my legs, going fast and working up a sweat. Plus, the hot bike chick who sold me my first bike last spring definitely helped. It was lust at first ride.

If you have a special love for your bike, too, listen up. While reading the Babeland Blog this weekend, I learned about BikeSmut.com. The bike lovers there have put together 28 short films of BIKE PORN. Yep. Ninety minutes of bike porn, and they're showing it across the U.S. at theaters and film festivals — selling out a good number of showings. With only a couple more shows scheduled in Tennessee and Utah, I was shocked to see Vermont had been overlooked for this tour. Tragic! Don't worry, yours truly has already emailed the curator to request that Vermont be a stop on the next tour.

You can see the Bike Porn trailer here. Be careful! It's not work- or kid-friendly (for multiple breast shots and one act of masturbation with a bicycle). This clip is a little more work safe — but, you might get a little uncomfortable in your pants.

And, as always, don't forget to wear a helmet.

Rollin'
MM

Bi-Bi Love?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm a 28-year old woman, and I just started hanging out with a cool guy. He’s sweet, sexy and treats me well. And, as I recently found out, he’s bisexual.

Some of my gay male friends tell me that bisexual men are just confused or scared to come out, and that they will eventually end up gay. On top of that, I am so nervous to give him a blow job. I have always thought my oral skills were good, but what if he’s comparing me to guys who probably give better head because they know their way around a man better than I do?

I like this guy, but I’m not sure how to handle my concerns. Help?

Love,
Not Bi-lingual

Dear Not Bi-lingual,

As far as I’m concerned, you’re a lucky lady. In this macho world, there’s nothing sexier than a guy who can be open enough to find both sexes sexy.

It’s time to ask your guy what he wants. Is he looking for a serious relationship, or is he looking to play both fields? If he says he only has eyes for you, why would his bisexuality give you pause? If you think your relationship is more secure with a straight guy, you’re kidding yourself. Yes, it’s possible that he may leave you someday for a man — but it’s also possible that a straight partner would leave you for another woman. We are all vulnerable in relationships, no matter which orientations are involved.

As for the blow jobs, a bisexual guy I once slept with explained that he couldn’t compare sexual encounters between men and women because they are so vastly different. He asserted that he liked both types of encounters equally and that his pleasure comes from the person, not the gender or genitalia. My advice is to give it your best shot. You never know if a new partner is going to like your technique, so just be open and responsive to his needs. Hey, he might be able to show you some new tricks!

Whatever you do, don’t reject this guy just because you’re scared of the unknown. If you like him and feel you can trust him, don’t say bi-bi to love.

xoxo,
MM

No one likes a limp pickle.

I love pickles. But, you probably guessed that.

I've always been a Mount Olive fan, but I think I might have to switch to Claussen based purely on this ad (courtesy of Adrants).

As easy as 1, 2, 3?

While hanging out in Burlington on Saturday, I got talking about threesomes with a friend of mine (got to love those post-martini confessionals). She's coupled, and she and her boyfriend are interested in finding a third party for a menage a trois. The only problem is, they disagree on who to invite as the third wheel. He wants to invite one of her girlfriends (probably one he's been drooling over). She thinks that's too close to home and would prefer to meet some willing vixen out on the town. Their disagreements have slowed the process, leaving them both frustrated. Luckily, I remembered a good piece of advice written by Jamie Bufalino of Time Out New York. He said:

"When choosing a third party, you have a major decision to make: Should they be a friend, a stranger or someone in between (e.g., your local Starbucks barista)? I’d recommend the in-between person. Friend: too dangerous relationshipwise. Complete stranger: too dangerous in other ways. In-between person: They know you know where they work, so they’ll be on their best behavior. Of course, if things get awkward, you will have to find a new coffee place."

I couldn't agree more. Although, don't make it Starbucks. Go local. The baristas at Uncommon Grounds and Muddy's are much hotter.

What do you think? Better to have a three-way interlude with a friend, stranger or someone in between?

Kisses,
MM

Hoppy Easter

Here's hoping we all get a little Peep Show this weekend. (Photo courtesy of icanhascheezburger.com)

xoxo,
MM

 

 

Food For Thought

I got a great phone call last weekend.

Four of my friends were dining out in NYC before going clubbing (lucky ducks), and they got into a lively discussion about the taste of genitalia. After multiple bottles of wine, great food and lots of debate, they all agreed that women taste like truffle oil and men taste like any type of smoked meat. Clearly, these are very scientific conclusions.

I can't say that I've experienced many dishes with truffle oil, but Seven Days Food Writer Suzanne Podhaizer describes it as musky and sensual — a fairly accurate way to describe the essence of a woman, in my estimation. Though, I always thought vaginas were called "honey pots" for a reason — I've been with many a sweet girl.

As for the men, smoked meat actually seems right on the money. But, have you ever noticed that both Brie cheese and fresh pizza dough smell like semen?

What do you think? What does a woman taste like? A man? Leave a comment — you can do anonymously, just make up a name and skip the rest.

Bon Appetit,
MM

Call To Action

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm still friends with a guy I hooked up with a lot in college (about five years ago). We keep in touch online, as he lives a couple states away. He will occasionally call me and try to engage me in phone sex. I usually laugh it off and hang up, but sometimes I indulge him a little, and I do find myself getting turned on.

My question is: Is it just plain weird to have phone sex with an old flame? If not, can you give me any tips? I think if I were to try it out, I'd be horribly crippled by my lack of phone experience.

Best,
Smooth Operator

Dear S.O.,

I love phone sex. When else can you be unkempt, clad in fleece pajamas, sporting bed-head and still pull off being a total vamp?

Over the years, I've built up a short list of playmates who, for one reason or another, stopped being in-the-flesh lovers and became just occasional late-night whispers in my ear. There's something deliciously naughty about answering the phone to hear a voice, strained with arousal, asking if he's called too late. Plus, phone sex can make masturbating much more exciting, especially if you're going through a dry spell.

As for tips, I recommend setting up a role-play with your partner, like boss/employee or doctor/patient. If role-playing is too advanced for you, start by simply masturbating together and listening to each other's labored breathing and moans of pleasure (very hot).

Above all else, relax and have fun. Keep your sense of humor, and you'll keep your gentleman caller on the line.

Ring-a-ling,
MM

Can you give me a hand?

The last time my girlfriends and I got together to have "girl talk" — meaning, drinking cocktails and dishing about our latest sexcapades (or lack there of) — some of us were amazed by one friend's declaration that "The handjob is back."

How could I have not known this?

I always thought a handjob was what you did when you didn't want to give a guy a blowjob — and since I never balk at the chance to go downtown, I've pretty much missed the handjob train all together. But, according to this friend, handjobs are her secret weapon. She claims that guys never expect you to be able to give a stellar handjob, so when you show them some crazy hand skills, they'll think you're a sex goddess.

We all watched, some in horror and some in delight, as she demonstrated her fool-proof stroking method on the remote control (eh, whatever works). From what I could tell, she was using one hand to (gently) pull on the shaft, starting from the base and moving toward the head, while simultaneously stimulating the head with the flattened palm of her other hand. I wish I could describe it more detail, but it's difficult without visual aids. But, I can tell you one thing, I'm looking forward to trying it out.

For those of you who want more information about giving a great handjob, you won't have to wait very long for some help. One of my favorite sexperts and adult filmmakers, Tristan Taormino, just wrapped up work on a new video all about handjobs for men and women. According to her piece in The Village Voice, she also seems to be a huge fan of the handjob. She writes:

In addition to the lack of an inclusive, descriptive terminology out there, I just feel like handjobs in general get a bad rap. People think of them as something immature and unskilled—what teenagers do instead of having sex. Or they're dismissed as "foreplay," a brief warmup to bigger and better things like oral sex and intercourse. Some associate hand sex only with solo masturbation and too quickly abandon it as a form of partner pleasure unto itself. Maybe it's because I'm queer, but I believe just the opposite: Hands are sexual tools. They're like the naughty bits we don't have to cover when we're in public. When I'm attracted to someone, the first thing I check out is their hands. After all, if they've got good hands, anything is possible. . . Hands are hot. Hands are versatile. Hands can rub you right and fill you up. Fingers can find the G-spot and the prostate better than anything else can. The trip from one pinky to the five-finger club can be a wild adventure. The next time you meet someone for the first time, and she (or he) extends a hand to you, think of the possibilities.

No word on when Taormino's video will be released, but I'll keep you posted. Until then, you can check out her website, PuckerUp.

MM

Working for the Weekend

It's Friday, my sex forecast is looking good, and the Swedish government is now selling sex toys to its citizens. Life is good.

I was reading the Portland Mercury's 2008 sex survey results this morning — those hipsters in the Northwest are dirty! My favorite question asks where readers like to do it in public (nothing vague like "in a car" or "camping" — they want specific, local places). I want to ask you the same thing, readers. Where's the best place to get it on in Vermont? Is it the bike path at night? Stowe's gondola? The bathroom connected to the green room at Higher Ground? Do tell.

You can comment anonymously, just make up a name and skip the other fields. Or, you could be brave and identify yourself. It is Friday, after all.

Safe weekend,
MM

Get It Checked

Hello Mistress,

My girlfriend and I have been having sex for a few months now, and we are both enjoying it. I am writing to you to find a solution to a problem we have been having. When we have intercourse, it can be painful for her, whether I am two inches inside or fully in. I try to have her relax, but she tells me there is pressure and/or it's painful. I am not "huge," so it’s not like I am causing the pain (I hope). There are times when I can slide my finger in slightly, and she says it hurts. What is the cause of this? What can be done?

We try to have sex, but it never really lasts more than 10 minutes, due to the pain. I am plenty patient with her, but I want us to both be able to enjoy it. Please help!

Signed,
Jack

Dear Jack,

Rest assured, you're not the one causing the pain. What I find interesting is that you're the one reaching out for help. Your lady clearly has a concerning issue, and I'm wondering why she's not seeking help.

While some intercourse pain can be easily remedied with more foreplay, lube or a switch of positions, her issue seems to be more severe. If she's having deep vaginal pain as well as pain closer to the vaginal opening, I strongly urge her to see a physician immediately.

The pain she's experiencing could be a number of things, from pelvic inflammatory disease to vaginismus — a more emotional condition that makes the muscles of the vagina spasm, often caused by prior sexual trauma. She could also have a sexually transmitted infection, so you need to keep yourself safe. If she won't go see a doctor, I advise you to think twice before continuing your sexual relationship with her.

Good luck,
MM

Love Potion No. 9

If you've been living under a rock, you may not have heard that New York Governor Eliot Spitzer held a news conference yesterday to publicly apologize to his family and constituents for his involvement in a federal prostitution bust. Apparently the court paperwork filed last week did not specifically name Spitzer, but Feds say he was caught on wiretap, as "Client 9," confirming payment and travel arrangements for a prostitute working for the high-end Emperor's Club V.I.P.

In his apology yesterday, Spitzer did not confirm or deny the accusations, but he did say, "I have acted in a way that violates my obligations to my family and violates my, or any, sense of right and wrong. I apologize first and most importantly to my family. I apologize to the public to whom I promised better."

No word yet on whether or not he'll resign. All Spitzer said was, "I have disappointed and failed to live up to the standard I expected of myself. I must now dedicate some time to regain the trust of my family." You can read more and watch a video of the apology from the New York Times here.

Perhaps we'll learn his political fate later today. But, this whole thing gets me thinking: How much do we or should we care about what politicos do behind closed doors? Obviously, if guilty, Spitzer's acts were illegal and therefore intolerable from an official — but what about infidelity without prostitution? What do we make of John McCain's rumored affair? Now, years later, what do we think of Clinton's hummer in the Oval Office? Think it's affecting Hil's campaign?

Leave a comment. You can do so anonymously, just make up a name and skip the other fields.

MM

Dandy Denim

If you watch as much television as I do, you've probably seen the recent Levi's commercials that show a guy pulling up his jeans — and simultaneously pulling a city street through his apartment floor. There's a sultry female in a phone booth, and they end up walking off together (who uses a phone booth anymore?!).

BUT, have you seen the gay version? Watching the grand finale of Project Runway last night, I was surprised to see the sultry female replaced by a hot guy. Glad to see companies taking the gay demographic seriously, even if they are pigeonholing the programming (although, Christian Siriano might be the gayest man ever to stand on Heidi Klum's runway).

Fierce!

The straight version:

The gay version:

Drowning in the Dating Pool

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I was wondering if you could provide me with some advice.

Please don’t take offense to this, but it appears to me that most women are extremely shallow. Recently, my girlfriend of nine years left me, so I am back on the dating scene after almost 10 years. Needless to say, it’s been difficult. I posted an ad on a personals website but haven't gotten any response. Perhaps I'm being too harsh on women, but it seems all they care about is whether or not you look like Brad Pitt. I don’t think they care about your personality or sense of humor. I am starting to think I will end up single, 40 years old and living with my dog.

My question to you is: What should I do next? I don’t like the whole bar scene. Any advice for someone like me?

Best regards,
Confused and Frustrated

Dear C and F,

First, let me commend you on your bravery. Getting back into the dating scene after a nine-year hiatus can be terrifying.

However, the dating pool seems to be drowning you. Online dating sites work great for some people, but not everyone. It sounds like you're a person who prefers to connect on a deeper level with a potential mate, and it can be difficult to do that online. Your best bet is to get out into your community and start making connections. Pick an activity you like and join a club — or perhaps volunteer for your favorite organization or political candidate. Meeting people while doing something that interests you means you'll already have something in common.

And do yourself a favor: When you do go on a first date, focus on the positive. Your date will not be impressed with your opinions about "shallow" women. (And, yes, I do take offense to your putting down my entire gender.) Remember — like attracts like. If you're looking for a good relationship, you need to cut out the bitter and angry routine. Negative people are ugly — positive people look more like Brad Pitt.

Positively yours,
MM