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Seven Days Blogs: Mistress Maeve

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Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Rebound Reservation

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm a guy in my late twenties, and I'm seeing this woman who is going through divorce. Technically, she's still married, but claims to be over her soon-to-be ex-husband. I don't really have any moral dilemma with dating her. I'm more worried about getting caught up in a "rebound" situation.
My friends, especially my female friends, keep warning me to be careful. Do rebound relationships ever work out? I've been a bachelor by choice for a long time, but I really like this girl.



Dear Boundless,

Your friends are right to warn you about rebound relationships. While some rebounds do last, the vast majority end tout de suite.

With your lady friend just coming out of a marriage, she may be looking instantly to recoup the comfort and stability she lost in the break-up. She may also experience distorted perception, meaning she could fall for someone more quickly than is prudent, or go for someone she normally wouldn't choose (no offense, Boundless). Either way, once she's clear of the emotional entanglements of her last relationship, she'll most likely move on from the rebound, too, unless you're careful.

Ask yourself some questions: Does she speak of her ex on a regular basis, more than you'd like her to? Do you sometimes feel like a therapist, rather than a boyfriend? Did she fall head over heels for you after two dates? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you may have a classic rebound on your hands.

Don't get left in the dust by a rebounder on the rampage. I can't stress this enough: Slow down. Do not rush into a big commitment to her. If she truly likes you, she'll understand your concerns and honor your request to take things slowly.

Good luck,

Friday, April 25, 2008

Friday Confessional

Do you have razor burn in a sensitive area? Two words for you: witch hazel.

It says right on the bottle: Gentle, Cleanses, Refreshes.


So, my confession? The sun is out, the birds are singing, the bees are buzzing, and I got a little overzealous with the razor.

Always on the cutting edge,

Seeking. . .

Got a date this weekend? Want to impress him or her? I highly recommend taking your date to Seeking. . . , the newest play from Burlington, Vermont's own Heat and Hot Water Productions. With nearly every element of dating exposed — from unrequited crushes to hot threesome one-night stands (yes, this is "dating" for some of us) — Seeking. . . is a great "date" show. Lots of laughs and some touching moments, as well. The best part? It features the Seven Days personals pages throughout!

Heat and Hot Water describes Seeking. . . as "A romantic comedy about missed connections, true love, and discreet encounters that explores the funny, outrageous, sometimes heart-breaking ways people reach out to each other through the personal ads." See? Perfect date material. Plus, if you've been looking for a way to start a "discreet encounters" conversation with your partner, Seeking. . . could get the ball rolling.

Of course, if you're single, I also recommend seeing the play. Other singles might be in the mood to mingle at the Skinny Pancake afterwards.

Seeking. . . is playing at the Waterfront Theater, but you can get your tickets at the Flynn Box Office. You can also get tickets at the door, but I hear it's selling fast.

Have fun,

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Smack That

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm 38 years old and seem to be having a premature midlife crisis.

It all started last week with a break-up. We met at a café, and, after finishing dinner, he decided to break the news. In my old age, I've lost my patience with insensitive men. I was so annoyed by his businesslike demeanor and the premeditated, choreographed way he planned things. For instance, he had me meet him at the café, rather than going there together (obviously so we would go our separate ways afterwards).

Well, the moment got the best of me and my frustration took over. I sarcastically thanked him for the dinner, got up, and walked calmly to his side of the table, then WHAP! I slapped him across the face and stormed out.
The resounding whack caught everyone's attention and undoubtedly caused him much embarrassment. Should I swallow my pride and call him to apologize? I hope I'm not becoming psychotic.

38 and Frustrated


Dear 38 and Frustrated,

First of all, drop the "old age" nonsense. Second, stop beating yourself up. You're not psychotic, and you're probably not having a midlife crisis. You're simply a living, breathing human being with emotions — that got the best of you this time around.

As satisfying as it probably was to slap him, it wasn't smart or attractive. The classier move would have been to collect yourself and calmly express your feelings before heading for the door with your composure and dignity intact. But we can't be perfect all the time, right?

I understand why you're upset. Going through the charade of dinner before dropping the break-up bomb wasn't very considerate of him. However, he probably thought he was minimizing the drama by extending a dinner invitation and taking separate cars. My guess is, he'll think twice about how he choreographs his break-ups in the future.   

Don't call him to apologize. The sooner you let this relationship go, the sooner you can focus on what really matters: you. Do this, and your next relationship will surely be a "hit."

Hugs and Smackers,

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Round 2

You get to play another guessing game with me today via Boinkology.

Can you guess what this is?


It's every second of the movie Deep Throat, arranged in a dense grid by artist Jason Salavon. He also created similar pieces with Star Wars, Snow White and It's a Wonderful Life, but somehow Deep Throat seemed most appropriate.

I'm going to file this one under: Things I'll Never Have the Patience To Do.


Monday, April 21, 2008


Can you guess what this pixilated picture is?


No, it's not happy bunnies playing in a field. It's Lil' Kim's vagina, in four pixels, taken from concert footage circa 2003.

And this one?

Leonardo DiCaprio's penis, in nine pixels, taken by the paparazzi.

These completely unsatisfying photos are part of, a site willing to show you celebrity skin — in twenty-five pixels or less. Hmm . . . could it be that they want to frustrate us to no end? Or could it be social commentary on the state of today's celebrity and how it's affecting us? Between Britney flashing her snatch every 5 seconds and reality television stars posing for Playboy, could we be at risk of desensitizing ourselves to hotness of the human form?

Don't get me wrong, I like nudity and slutty celebs as much as the next person, but isn't it all getting to be a bit much? Seriously. I've seen Li-Lo's nipple so many times, I may as well be looking at PixiPorn.

Happy Monday.

PS. I discovered PixiPorn via Fleshbot (not cubicle- or kid-friendly).

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

That's a Wrap

Sex 2.0 was all I hoped it would be and more. From pole dancing to learning how to become a phone sex operator, Sex 2.0 was fascinating, informative and fun. The sex nerds at the conference are all aces in their various fields, and I learned much about world wild web.

It would be impossible for me to recap the entire experience, so here is a list of ten observations and highlights from the conference.

1. When in doubt, booty out.

Sex 2.0 kicked off Friday night with a pole dancing party for the ladies. Conference organizer, Amber Rhea, lead our group of sexy geeks in a rousing pole routine. Amber is an advanced-level pole dancer at the Pole La Teaz dance studio in Atlanta, so she never messed up. But, for the rest of us, we learned a very important lesson: If you fall, fail or otherwise fuck up, stick your booty in the air, and you'll save your performance. I accomplished a fireman's spin and collected an impressive number of purple bruises along my legs and forearms. Yummy.


In the photo, from left to right (roughly): Furry Girl, Melissa Gira, Elizabeth Wood, Renegade Evolution, Kimberlee Cline, Amber Rhea (on the pole, of course), Minx, Audacia Ray, Kristi Kane and Jennifer.

2. Getting an iPhone will only feed my new addiction to Twitter.

As many of us in Vermont are painfully aware, we are still months away from getting AT&T service and the iPhone. After being with all the folks geeking out with their iPhones at Sex 2.0, I should probably count my lucky stars that I don't have one — because I'd Twitter all the time.

My favorite Twitter sent from an iPhone this weekend? Definitely Ellie Lumpesse's tweet from the stage, tits out, at the Flesh and Fetish Ball on Saturday night:


3. I have a lot to learn about sex workers rights.

And I plan to start by reading Bound, Not Gagged, a blog where sex workers voices can be heard. At Friday's pole party, I met Stacey Swimme, current sex worker and cofounder of Bound, Not Gagged. I also spent some time with blog contributor Renegade Evolution, one of the most kick ass women I've ever met. For more, check out the Desiree Alliance — an organization doing direct outreach and advocacy work for sex workers.

4. "Don't put your dick in a crazy."

One of the cardinal rules of polyamory, according to Minx. Check out her site for more information and resources about living a happy, healthy poly lifestyle.

5.  A yo-yo can be an erotic implement.

I started conference day by attending Rachel Kramer Bussel's Erotic Writing 101 workshop, where a few brave souls read aloud. One particular excerpt included someone being bound with a yo-yo, which, while amusing, sounded totally delightful.

Then again, in the presence of Ms. Bussel, I could find anything erotic.

6. Viviane really knows how to be a sex blogger.

Check out Funkybrownchick's live blog of Viviane's session on How to Be a Sex Blogger. And be sure to check out Viviane's Sex Carnival. The name says it all.

7. "You think BDSM is weird? I'm like, hey, isn't that your wife over there with three dicks in her ass?"

After the conference on Saturday, I attended the Flesh and Fetish Ball, a monthly party at 1763. The party is a bit unique because it welcomes BDSM practitioners, swingers and everything in between — groups that generally host separate events. When I inquired about the intermingling subcultures, the party promoter said he prefers when groups support one another. He then followed with, "You think BDSM is weird? I'm like, hey, isn't that your wife over there with three dicks in her ass?" Point taken.

8. Men in fishnet stockings turn me on.

I've always loved the way balls look when they're hugged by fishnets. While I sadly didn't get to see Eternal Apprentice's family jewels, I did get to check out his sexy legs all night at the Flesh and Fetish Ball.  He also looks good in panties, as evidenced in this photo by Melissa Gira:


9. Sometimes I wish I were a gay male.

Allow me to introduce you to jbrotherlove.

10. We all need community.

For me, the best thing about Sex 2.0 was getting to shed a layer of anonymity and allow people to see the face of Mistress Maeve. Of course, I couldn't be photographed or recorded, but I was able to be myself around an amazing group of likeminded people.

That's all for now, but you'll hearing more about what I learned and the people I met in the future.

Want more now? Check out Audacia Ray's video wrap up at Naked City.

Blissfully conferenced,


Fore Square

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My husband and I just had a baby boy two months ago. Everything is great, except I'm having a bit of tension with my family and could use some advice.

My husband is Brazilian and uncircumcised, and we decided not to circumcise our son. When my family found out, my two brothers (who are circumcised) started giving me a hard time about it. They say that uncircumcised penises are harder to keep clean and can cause problems. Also, they say that other kids will make fun of our son later in life. Even more infuriating, they refer to my son's penis as his "little turkey baster."

I'm comfortable with our decision, but I don't want to make life more difficult for my son.

Fore-ward Thinker


Dear Fore-ward,

Congratulations on your new arrival! It's unfortunate that your brothers have cast a shadow over this otherwise happy time. They may think they have legitimate concerns about your son's foreskin, but they are mistaken. Furthermore, you should not have to tolerate their taunting remarks. Let your brothers know that you've considered their concerns, but you and your husband are happy with your choice. Ask them to kindly keep their thoughts to themselves in the future. If they persist, you may have to consider how long you're willing to subject yourself to their jibes.

Your son and his foreskin are going to be just fine. Cut or uncut, men need to wash their members. For uncut men, a thorough cleaning includes retracting the foreskin and washing underneath. Humans have lots of cracks and crevices to keep clean — what's one more? Plus, your son will learn from his father — whose body will resemble his own — how to groom for proper hygiene.

Where no religious traditions are concerned, more and more parents are choosing not to circumcise their sons; hence your son will most likely be in plenty of company and won't experience this fabled foreskin ridicule.

You might point out to your brothers that the only people currently mocking your son are his uncles.

Fore sure,

Thursday, April 10, 2008


I'm twittering. Doesn't that sound dirty?

If you want to see what I'm up to at the Sex 2.0 conference on Saturday, follow me on Twitter. Hopefully, by Saturday, my feed will also be up here on the blog.

If you don't know what Twitter is, I found this great video explanation courtesy of Viviane (who has a listing of others who will be Twittering at Sex 2.0 if you're interested).

I'll keep you posted.


Wednesday, April 09, 2008


Dear Mistress Maeve,

My boyfriend has no control over his orgasms. Or, more to the point, he can't seem to let me know when he's about to come. If I had a dollar for every time I've been hit in the face or had an unexpected mouthful, I'd be a very rich girl.

The last straw occurred last night when we were messing around, and he got me in the eye. Talk about painful! Then, this morning, I had to explain to my workers that I didn't have pink-eye.

I have asked him numerous times to simply let me know when he's about to come — say something, tap my hand, pull my hair, ANYTHING! He says he goes into a trance-like state before he comes and has a hard time remembering to alert me. Is he kidding?! Mistress, what can I do to make him understand how rude he is?

Lack of Come-unication


Dear L.o.C,

There's nothing worse than someone's little swimmers doing laps on your eyeball. I too have arrived for work with one bloodshot peeper — not attractive, and truly painful. Girl, you need to flush that eye out completely before going to sleep!

As for your boyfriend and his inability to communicate, it's time to have a chat. From the sound of your letter, you're not emotionally scarred by his failure to forewarn; however, it's important for him to listen to your needs and try his best to accommodate you. Lose the sarcasm, sit him down and sincerely explain that you'd enjoy sex with him much more if he could be a better communicator.

You might also try your best to learn his body language. Before orgasm, a guy's testicles will be drawn up close to the body, his muscles will tense, and his breathing will often change. Get to know your man's unique signals. If you sense the moment is coming, get out of the way. Although, I must say, I prefer being in the line of fire . . .

The Master Come-unicator,

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

House Hunting?

Now here's a house I'd like to own.


Courtesy of

Monday, April 07, 2008

Yep, I'm coming.

I haven't been posting as much the last couple of weeks, and the reason is simple — regular life is getting in the way. It's so annoying when daily life gets in the way of my sex life (and, believe me, I definitely consider this blog part of my sex life). That said, daily life has been busy for one really big, exciting reason: I'm getting ready to go to the Sex 2.0 conference in Atlanta, Georgia this weekend. My inner sex geek is salivating!

Sex20image Sex 2.0 will focus on the "intersection of social media, feminism, and sexuality," examining how social media (blogs, social networking sites, etc) are shaping how we connect sexually. The impressive list of session leaders and speakers includes some of my personal heros — namely Rachel Kramer Bussel and Audacia Ray. With session titles like "Poly Pervs Like Me," "Creating the Sex Commons: Sex Blogging as a Feminist Project," and "Becoming a Sex Worker Without Leaving Your House," this promises to be an informative (and arousing) conference.

Of course, the conference is just the beginning. There's also an after party. . .

I'll keep you posted.


Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Speak Easy

Dear Mistress,

I'm in a relatively new relationship with a guy who loves it when I take charge. I'm used to that in the physical sense — I have no problem being the boss in bed.

However, one thing that really turns him on is taking orders, and I have no idea how to give them. I'm not very vocal (as far as words go) and am seriously lacking some hot commands. I'm stuck on the "harder, better, faster, stronger" mantra, and it's getting a little old. Any ideas on how I can spice things up verbally?

I also like being talked to in bed — dirty talk is a huge turn-on for me. Is there such a thing as too much speech between the sheets?

Aurally Fixated


Dear A. F.,

Lucky you! If your man is willing to take commands, you’d best learn how to use your words. The good news is — you're no shrinking violet. You're already dominating him physically and doing some talking in bed, so your transition into a verbal vamp should be an easy one.

Instead of just "harder, better, faster, stronger," try verbalizing what you feel. "Oh, baby, it feels so good when you do it hard." (And don't be afraid to go into more graphic detail than I can get away with in print.) When you're comfortable with that, try giving it a more commanding tone: "I want you to fuck me harder. Don't stop until I say so." If he obliges, you might reward him with a "Good boy."

If your guy likes being submissive, he may really enjoy asking your permission to orgasm. The next time you're having sex, tell him he has to ask you nicely if he can climax. When you sense him getting close, remind him of his task. When he asks, make him say please a couple times before he releases — you'll be giving him the ultimate command and satisfying your need to hear him talk, too.

As long as both partners are into it, you can never have too much verbalizing in bed. Taking it a step further and giving commands only heightens the tawdry talk experience. But make sure you like it, too. Whatever talking you do in bed should turn you on as much as it does him.

Vocally yours,

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