These make me happy.

Today I bring you two videos, both suggested by Lumpesse.

First, check out Jon Stewart's commentary on the House Armed Services Personnel Subcommittee's hearing on "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."  I love his crack about Elaine Donnelly's pink triangle blouse — genius. This vid is work friendly (unless you work for a bunch of conservatives).

 

 

And, secondly, here's a rap about sexuality by Athens Boys Choir. ABC isn't an entire choir, but a transsexual man living in the deep south with a sense of humor and a message. This vid doesn't have any nudity, but it does have some language not suited for the work zone.

IRL

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My husband and I are both geeks, but that never stopped us from having a great sex life. The thing is, we’re now in our third year of marriage and getting kind of bored. The result is that we’re on the Internet all night instead of in each other’s arms. I’m addicted to role-playing games like World of War Craft, where I can be a hot elf chick and interact with totally ripped warriors. I don’t actually have “cyber-sex,” but I’ve come close. As for my hubby, his PC is in another room, so I don’t have to see what kind of porn he favors, but I’m pretty sure that’s what it is.

Last night we were both online till 4 a.m. Is this really unhealthy? Do you have any advice on how we can rekindle our relationship in “meat space”?

Thanks,
Virtual Vixen

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Dear Vixen,

The problem with real relationships — or IRL relationships, as you geeks would say — is that they lack the excitement of constant newness. In a virtual world, you can whip up an avatar that looks like Angelina Jolie one day, and be a hot librarian the next. As for your sweetie, he’ll never run out of new wank material. Meanwhile, you can both ignore the fact that you’re feeling less attracted to each other. In fact, you can ignore each other, period.

It’s healthy to have down time in a relationship — up to a point. But when your eyes ache from staring at the LCD screen and you’re developing carpal tunnel, you’ve got a problem. Sooner or later, you’re going to need to remember what an actual warm body feels like.

My suggestion: Try introducing your hubby to the delights of real-life role-playing. Find out what he fantasizes about, and tell him what turns you on — even if it’s brawny swordsmen and he resembles Steve Buscemi. Then get some costumes and help him rev up his hard drive. Sure, you’ll feel silly at first. But you may find out a pixillated image has nothing on the real thing.

Wishing you gigs of fun,
MM

Not even "remotely" hot.

Do you know what the most germ-ridden item in a hotel room is? According to a travel segment I saw on morning television ages ago, it's the remote control. That piece of information has stayed with me — I always wipe down the remote with hand sanitizer before ordering up my pay-per-view porn. 

So, imagine my shock and horror when I watched this video (via Fleshbot) that shows a sexy blond LICKING everything — including the remote — in an Extended Stay America hotel room. The video is sort of work friendly — as long as you don't mind your coworkers catching you watching a girl lick a toilet bowl. Ew.

So, my question is: Is this video sanctioned by Extended Stay America?

The Internet sure is a weird place.

xoxo,
MM

Hey, Baby...

I was walking up Bank Street in Burlington a few weeks ago and noticed three construction workers walking up an alley toward me. One of them whistled and another called out something like, "Hey darlin'!"

Uh, was I really just catcalled by middle-aged construction dudes in Burlington, Vermont?

At first, I felt embarrassed, then my embarrassment turned to anger — I mean, WTF! As I hurriedly kept walking, hoping to turn the corner before they emerged onto the street, I had a split second where I actually felt sexier than usual, which was quickly replaced with an overwhelming sense of feminist guilt — how dare I allow their intrusion on my time and space lift me up in some way.

Blah. My point is, their annoying vocal advances messed up my flow for a couple minutes, and I didn't like it. Not to mention, I know many women who, because of various painful past experiences, would be traumatized by an ominous-looking group of dudes walking towards them, making sexual comments. So, guys, please: Shut the fuck up and be respectful. It's not too much to ask.

In doing a little research about catcalling, I came upon a blog titled Holla Back NYC. Holla Back encourages New Yorkers to snap pics and vids of street harassers and send them in for publication:

"Holla Back NYC empowers New Yorkers to Holla Back at street harassers. Whether you're commuting, lunching, partying, dancing, walking, chilling, drinking, or sunning, you have the right to feel safe, confident, and sexy, without being the object of some turd's fantasy. So stop walkin' on and Holla Back: Send us pics of street harassers!"

Is this shit legal?

Whistles and hollas,
MM

Protective Parents

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Our son is an intelligent, mature 15-year-old who gets good grades and plenty of accolades. He is also completely gaga over his new girlfriend — actually, he's been gaga over several girlfriends over the course of the last year. But things are different with this girl, and I suspect she's more "experienced" than our son.

His dad and I are not stupid; we know that kids are having sex younger and younger these days (even we were 16 when we lost our virginity). Recently we've discussed whether or not to buy him condoms. We don't want to encourage him to have sex, but we fear that he might be too shy to buy them himself. What are your thoughts on all this?

Parental Units

-------------------------------------

Dear P-Units,

You know your kid better than anyone else. If you suspect he's on the verge of losing his virginity, he probably is (or already has).

We live in an over-sexed culture, and kids want to partake of the latest trends. Tune in to MTV's "The Real World," and you'll see barely legal girls getting totally trashed and seducing their male roommates — and this is on during daytime hours.

But that's the world we live in. Buy him some condoms and tell him they're for him to try out when he's alone. If he's more comfortable with one parent than the other, let that parent take the lead. Tell him to pay attention to how long it takes his penis to shrink after ejaculating, because he doesn't want the condom slipping off inside his future partner. If he doesn't completely freak out when he hears you say "ejaculating," consider going further by reading the directions together.

Tell him you're giving him condoms because you want him to be responsible, not because you want him to run out and have sex. Give him some reasons why you wish you had waited, and encourage him to really think about this big decision. Most importantly, listen to him. Let him know you will always be there to support him and help keep him safe.

Best of luck,
MM

p.s. You can get his condoms for FREE at both Vermont CARES and the RU12 Community Center. If anyone knows of other free condom resources, please leave me a comment.

Sir Elton brings the glam to VT

Hey, Jack Thurston, Elton John called, and he wants his shirt back. Oh, wait. . .

Seriously, though, I love me some Jack Thurston — best reporter in the market, in my humble opinion (shirt or not).

Photo courtesy of Steve Mease.

Ms. Jackson, if you're nasty

According to the Gigwise.com, the $550,000 fine against CBS for the Janet Jackson Nipplegate scandal has been been dropped. The 3rd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals found that the FCC deviated too much from its "normal" fining practices in the CBS case. Gigwise says the court ruled that the FCC “cannot change a well-established course of action without supplying notice of and a reasoned explanation for its policy departure."

CBS commented, “It recognizes that there are rare instances, particularly during live programming, when it may not be possible to block unfortunate fleeting material, despite best efforts.”

What's still hilarious is that they called it a "wardrobe malfunction." Justin Timberlake clearly reaches over and rips the boob cup off of Janet Jackson's chest immediately after singing the words, "gonna have you naked by the end of this song." I mean, c'mon! Don't get me wrong, I'm glad the fine was dropped against CBS, but perhaps they should be fined for thinking the American people so dumb as to believe that was a "wardrobe malfunction."

You can relive the memories on YouTube.

xoxo
MM

Albany's Times Union reports that a man who "disrupted" the 2008 Saratoga High School graduation ceremony by running across the stage in a 6-foot penis costume will have to make public apologies, perform 24 hours of community service and pay $95 in court fees as part of his plea deal.

That's a high price to pay just for being a dick. (Oh, c'mon — you think of a better joke.)

Of course, it's on YouTube.

I need more spankings.

I love the new(ish) trend of making book trailers — you know, like movie trailers, but for books. I especially like book trailers when they're about spanking and star Rachel Kramer Bussel. Here's the trailer for RKB's latest anthology, Spanked: Red-Cheeked Erotica:

You can order a copy of Spanked: Red-Cheeked Erotica here.

Unnecessary Roughness

Dear MM,

I was involved with a Domme for a number of years. She was sadistic and didn't much believe in warm-ups. Her beatings hurt, and I was rarely able to ride the pain into sub space.
   
I did not enjoy the beatings, nor did they turn me on. She argued that they did turn me on because of how very wet I became during these beatings. Many times I had vaginal fluid literally hanging from me.
   
I know that I experienced real pain from these beatings and did not feel turned on. But I feel confused — I've never had as much wetness occur as did at those times.

Thanks for your opinion,
Wandering sub

-------------------------------

Dear Wandering sub,

In your case, it sounds like you were turned on by the idea of being in "sub space," where you let all your worldly cares go and live only to serve your Domme — an intensely gratifying place for submissives. However, that's entirely different from being turned on by taking a heavy-handed beating. You were uber-wet because your submissive needs were being met on some level — it doesn't mean you liked, or should have tolerated, the pain. 

As a submissive, you have to listen to your gut. If you asserted that you were not turned on by the action of the scene, your Domme had no right to argue with you or try to convince you otherwise — that's abuse of power. People outside the BDSM scene often make the mistake of thinking the one wielding the whip has all the power in a Domme/sub relationship — in fact it's usually the sub, because he or she gets to set the boundaries and limits.

As a submissive, you have a great responsibility to be honest, use your safe word and put a stop to actions that don't work for you. It sounds like your relationship with this Domme is a thing of the past, and that's a good thing. There are plenty of masochists out there who will enjoy her beatings — you don't have to endure them.

Soft spanks,
MM

iWhatever

Last week saw the release of Apple's newest iAddiction — er, I mean, iPhone.

I sat idly by and watched all my blogger friends (in other states that offer AT&T service) Twitter on and on about standing in line, downloading apps, blah, blah, blah. Here's a video illustration of how I envision all of my blogosphere friends looking upon unwrapping the iPhone (via Fleshbot — totally not work friendly):

Wait, is he plugging that iPhone into a PC?! My posse would never do that.

Still, from all of us in Vermont who can't get the iPhone, go iScrew yourselves.

xoxo,
MM

Food Porn

Have you voted for your favorite in the Seven Days Hot Shots Photography contest? Seven Days asked 7 Nights Bite Club members to submit their favorite food photos to win fabulous prizes. Out of 75 entries, we're giving you ten finalists to vote on. Vote here.

I don't know why this one didn't make the cut, because it's certainly my favorite. Submitted by Kimberley Hannaman Taylor the description reads, "those boys are made of chocolate and were in full public view during the Queen's birthday in Amsterdam."

Hail to the Queen!

Who's the the web's hottest blogger?

That's for you to decide. Hop like a bunny over to Playboy.com to vote for the web's sexiest scribe. The winning blogger will be asked to pose for Playboy.

My vote? Violet Blue. However, I wouldn't mind seeing any of them naked (especially Veronica Belmont).

Rock the vote,
MM

PS... While I was clicking around on Playboy.com (for the articles, of course), I stumbled across "The Girls of Olive Garden." C'mon, I know we have to get used to product placement in mainstream movies and television — but in my smut? Really?

Calling All Size Queens

A "big" thank you going out to Funky Brown Chic for twittering about "The Big Penis Book," put out by Taschen (the same folks who brought you "The Big Book of Breasts").

"The Big Penis Book" features over 400 photos of large (and I mean LARGE) penises. The majority of the photos are vintage shots from the seventies, including some rare photos of John Holmes. My, my...

I would show you some excerpts from the book, but the photos are too steamy for my blog. If you want a sneak peak, click here. Obviously, not a work-friendly link — unless you work in the XL condom factory.

Happy Weekend,
MM

Tennis Cock?

I've heard of tennis elbow, but tennis cock is a new one on me.

Here's a new podcast from Match where he discusses going to a hot, female doctor for numbness in his penis brought on by overuse of cock rings (no, seriously). Turns out the doc hadn't ever heard of cock rings, so Match — being the kindly pervert he is — brings some to her office for show and tell. 

As always, Match is funny, interesting and accessible, so you should listen to his podcast — in headphones if you're at work or within earshot of children.

xoxo,
MM

P.S. You may recall that Match calls his penis his "schpeep" — pronounced shpee-pee — and that I think that's the cutest thing in the world. Happy listening...

Outlook Good

Dear Mistress Maeve:

Is it possible for a pussy to get more beautiful?

I'm in my forties and have been seeing a wonderful guy for about six months. I'm also getting the best sex of my life on a regular basis. Never before have I looked at my pussy and thought it was lovely, but my guy tells me it is beautiful, and I swear: It is getting prettier every day. It's certainly getting more exercise than ever before! But is it really possible — after having three kids and being in my forties — that it actually can get prettier, or is this just a delightful hallucination?

Seeing things in a while new light,
C

-----------------------------------------

Dear C,

Congrats on your new relationship — with your boyfriend and your vagina.

I suspect you know this, but your pussy hasn't changed — your outlook has. When we feel desired and wanted, we begin to see our bodies as attractive and sexy. However, the key is to understand that we don't need someone else to make us feel this way. It's great that you found a partner who will affirm the prettiness of your pussy, but bear in mind that your vagina looks the same regardless of your relationship status.

Beauty, whether we're talking vaginas or other body parts, comes from within. If we decide to see ourselves as beautiful, that confidence radiates outward so that others may see our beauty as well.
Hang on to this newfound confidence and don't let it go. Your pussy — regardless of age or relationship status  — will always be pretty, so long as you believe it to be true.

In pussy prettiness,
MM

Car-ma

I don't know if it was the 4th of July fireworks, goofing off at the lake or drinking way too much gin in the middle of the afternoon — but this holiday weekend got me nostalgic for summers past. So, what did I do? I had sex in a car.

Ahhh, the good ol' days.

Well, actually, I had sex in a car up until a set of bright headlights illuminated behind us and splayed our rated-R silhouette on the side of the building we hastily parked in front of.

Needless to say, we finished up elsewhere.

What about you? Have you had sex in a car lately? Ever? Give me the make, model and circumstance.

xoxo,
MM

Sign. Me. Up.

I just found out about this. Good thing my passport is still valid.

Breathless

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I've been out a few times with a guy I find very interesting and sexy. I think the feeling is mutual, but I have one concern: He has bad breath. I noticed it the first time we met, but I just figured he was nervous and had dry mouth or something. The second and third times we hung out, I noticed the same smell. It's not a food odor, like garlic or onions; it's more like morning breath.

I have made out with him, and it actually didn't bother me all that much. I'm more worried about talking, snuggling and getting close. I'm just not sure I'll be able to stand it if it's going to be an ongoing thing.

How do I clue him in to his foul breath without totally offending him?

Help!
Waiting to Exhale

------------------------------

Dear Waiting,

Girl, your hunk has halitosis.

In all likelihood, your beau simply needs to pay more attention to his tongue and gums when he's brushing his teeth. While bad breath can be caused by a number of things, from acid reflux to gum disease, my dentist tells me it's generally caused by bacteria on the tongue.

Try offering him a mint or gum when you hang out. After you offer the breath aids on a couple of occasions, he'll probably get the hint.  However, if your relationship progresses along with his bad breath, you'll have to talk with him about it. After all, wouldn't you want to know if you were odiferously offending your mate?

Talking to a partner about personal hygiene issues can be a delicate matter. No matter how you deliver the news, it's likely to bruise his ego. Choose a close moment to bring up the subject, so he feels connected to you. Start by saying how much you like him, then let him know you've noticed his breath on a few occasions. Tell him you want to be intimate with him, and you don't want something as silly as bad breath to get in the way.

Minty fresh,
MM

Spanked: Red-Cheeked Erotica

Just in time for summer to really heat up, the latest anthology from Rachel Kramer Bussel is on its way. Spanked: Red-Cheeked Erotica is set for delivery later this month, and you can pre-order your copy here. Being the happy owner of several Bussel anthologies — including two other spanking collections — my cheeks are red with anticipation for Spanked.

I met Bussel this year at the Sex 2.0 conference. I was lucky enough to take her seminar entitled Erotic Writing 101, and I also got on her mailing list. Here's a copy of the postcard I received for Spanked. In case you can't read her handwriting, on the bottom, it says, "To Maeve, who I'm sure gives good spankings. XO, Rachel."

Indeed.

Just one criticism. . . While the ass pictured on the cover of Spanked is lovely, I prefer Bussel's bottom much more. You can see it here, included in the Call For Submissions for Spanked.

*purr*

xoxo
MM