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Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Unnecessary Roughness

Dear MM,

I was involved with a Domme for a number of years. She was sadistic and didn't much believe in warm-ups. Her beatings hurt, and I was rarely able to ride the pain into sub space.
I did not enjoy the beatings, nor did they turn me on. She argued that they did turn me on because of how very wet I became during these beatings. Many times I had vaginal fluid literally hanging from me.
I know that I experienced real pain from these beatings and did not feel turned on. But I feel confused — I've never had as much wetness occur as did at those times.

Thanks for your opinion,
Wandering sub


Dear Wandering sub,

In your case, it sounds like you were turned on by the idea of being in "sub space," where you let all your worldly cares go and live only to serve your Domme — an intensely gratifying place for submissives. However, that's entirely different from being turned on by taking a heavy-handed beating. You were uber-wet because your submissive needs were being met on some level — it doesn't mean you liked, or should have tolerated, the pain. 

As a submissive, you have to listen to your gut. If you asserted that you were not turned on by the action of the scene, your Domme had no right to argue with you or try to convince you otherwise — that's abuse of power. People outside the BDSM scene often make the mistake of thinking the one wielding the whip has all the power in a Domme/sub relationship — in fact it's usually the sub, because he or she gets to set the boundaries and limits.

As a submissive, you have a great responsibility to be honest, use your safe word and put a stop to actions that don't work for you. It sounds like your relationship with this Domme is a thing of the past, and that's a good thing. There are plenty of masochists out there who will enjoy her beatings — you don't have to endure them.

Soft spanks,

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