Swimming Upstream

Dearest Mistress Maeve,

I find myself in a quandary. I recently started dating a woman named Mary who’s been a friend for a while. There had always been sparks between us, but one or both of us was always involved with someone else. Recently we both became single, have hung out a couple of times, and have been hooking up some.

So where’s the problem? The problem is her friend Emily. Every time I see Emily, I want her instead of Mary. The three of us, along with other friends, all spent a recent weekend whitewater rafting together. I couldn’t take my eyes off Emily, despite the fact that Mary is attractive, smart, kind and funny, and I have been thinking about her constantly.

Can I make the switch? Is this possible, or will I just ruin three friendships in the process? How would one go about it if it were?

Sincerely,
One Too Many

----------------------------------

Dear OTM,

Forget whitewater rafting — you're rowing in far more dangerous waters.  Crushes happen, but crushing on your girlfriend's friend may send you up the proverbial creek without a paddle.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people decide the fate of their primary relationship based on whether they think they can seal the deal with someone else — it's cruel and selfish. You have to decide if Mary is the right girl for you, and it's not fair to base Mary's worth on whether or not you think your advances to Emily will be reciprocated.

If you decide to end it with Mary, give it some time before pursuing Emily. You, Mary and the three friendships involved could use a little space to mellow before you navigate the rapids of a new relationship.

One more thought: I'm sensing a pattern here. In previous relationships, you were pining after Mary. Now that you have Mary, you're pining after someone else. You should give some serious consideration to your "grass is always greener" mentality. "Be here now" is a popular bumper sticker for a reason.

In the moment,
MM