McCain Taps VP Pick. Really?

If you hadn't heard yet, McCain has chosen Alaska Governor Sarah Palin to be his running mate. As the reports poured in all over the Internet, my favorite take was on Yahoo — they reported that McCain "tapped" Palin to be his vice presidential running mate.

Hmm, let's check "tap" in the Urban Dictionary:

Tap
Having sex with a woman.

1. If I could just tap that ass once...
2. I tapped that ass and it was great.

I wasn't aware that McCain could "tap" anything anymore...

Alone Time

I received an interesting comment in response to this week's column, "Moment of Clarity." Big Al, a long-time commenter posted this:

"Another item is that I'm willing to bet good money there's someone else fueling this. He didn't just go out for a bender one night and decide he wants to be alone. No one leaves a relationship to be alone unless they got dumpted or were abused, if you ask me."

I agree with Big Al until he says that no one leaves a relationship on his/her own accord to be alone. I can't get behind that because I've left a long-term relationship (and several dating scenarios) to be alone — either it just wasn't right, or I knew I had some growing to do. I also have at least two friends who've done the same thing. To be fair, I also know plenty of relationships that ended due to extreme circumstances like cheating, abuse and jail time (which is what I think Big Al was getting at).

Anywho, I thought it was interesting and wanted to get your thoughts. I mean, it wouldn't be the first time my point of view was far afield from the "norm." What do you think? Have you ever broken up with someone to be alone? You can leave your comments anonymously, if you choose. Just make up a name and skip the last two fields.

MM

Moment of Clarity?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Two weeks ago, my live-in boyfriend of almost a year went out for a night of drinking (unusual for him) and didn't come home until the next evening, and only to tell me he was leaving me and moving out. He says he still loves me, but he had "a moment of clarity" that night and knows that I am "not The One." How can one "know" something like that when even he admits he had no idea anything was wrong until that night of binge drinking, but now he can "never go back"? Even though he says he loves me more than he's ever loved anyone, he refuses to put any effort into fixing the relationship or even hoping for it to work itself out in time.
   
Then, today, I caught him in our room (even though it's mine now, and he has moved out) masturbating to photos of me and using my underwear.
   
What am I supposed to make of all this? Is there a chance this relationship could be salvaged?

Sincerely,
Dumped Drawers

-------------------------------

Dear Drawers,

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your boy is not being honest with you. People don't think a relationship is hunky-dory one day and then decide to end it after a 24-hour date with Jose Cuervo. Perhaps your guy was having doubts about your relationship and needed a little liquid courage to end it?

As for him unloading in your undies — he can't have it both ways. He said goodbye to you and your panties when he walked out the door, so you must demand that he stop using your underwear as a spankerchief. Perhaps the quickest way to get him back (if you really want him) is to set strong boundaries and give him a taste of being alone with only his own tighty-whities to comfort him.

No visible panty lines,
MM

Going for the Gold

Q: What do you get when you place 10,500 young, pique-performance athletes in an Olympic Village? 

A: The distribution of 100,000+ condoms.

As the 2008 summer games wrap up, apparently so will the athletes. According to a report on Canada.com, UNAIDS (Joint United Nations Program on HIV/AIDS) worked with Chinese and international Olympic officials to distribute 100,000 condoms and educational leaflets in the Olympic Village — up from the 70,000 distributed in Sydney.

Other reports indicate that Beijing's health bureau brought in an additional 400,000 condoms to be placed in the 119 hotels contracted by the Olympic Games.

I guess I better start saving up for a trip to Vancouver in 2010! Perhaps they should make sex an Olympic sport? Just think of the possibilities...

Smart Is Sexy

If you're reading my blog, you're most definitely smart and sexy — and you should have a shirt that says so.

Swing by City Market this Friday from 3pm to 5pm to purchase a "Smart Is Sexy" t-shirt to benefit the Continuing Education Student Enrichment Fund at UVM.

Pretty sassy way to raise money, eh?

The creators of the "Smart Is Sexy" campaign have this to say: "Smart is Sexy celebrates the inner beauty and confidence that comes with the pursuit of knowledge. We feel that there’s nothing more beautiful than recognizing your potential."

Indeed.

For more info, check out the "Smart Is Sexy" website.

Swimming Upstream

Dearest Mistress Maeve,

I find myself in a quandary. I recently started dating a woman named Mary who’s been a friend for a while. There had always been sparks between us, but one or both of us was always involved with someone else. Recently we both became single, have hung out a couple of times, and have been hooking up some.

So where’s the problem? The problem is her friend Emily. Every time I see Emily, I want her instead of Mary. The three of us, along with other friends, all spent a recent weekend whitewater rafting together. I couldn’t take my eyes off Emily, despite the fact that Mary is attractive, smart, kind and funny, and I have been thinking about her constantly.

Can I make the switch? Is this possible, or will I just ruin three friendships in the process? How would one go about it if it were?

Sincerely,
One Too Many

----------------------------------

Dear OTM,

Forget whitewater rafting — you're rowing in far more dangerous waters.  Crushes happen, but crushing on your girlfriend's friend may send you up the proverbial creek without a paddle.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people decide the fate of their primary relationship based on whether they think they can seal the deal with someone else — it's cruel and selfish. You have to decide if Mary is the right girl for you, and it's not fair to base Mary's worth on whether or not you think your advances to Emily will be reciprocated.

If you decide to end it with Mary, give it some time before pursuing Emily. You, Mary and the three friendships involved could use a little space to mellow before you navigate the rapids of a new relationship.

One more thought: I'm sensing a pattern here. In previous relationships, you were pining after Mary. Now that you have Mary, you're pining after someone else. You should give some serious consideration to your "grass is always greener" mentality. "Be here now" is a popular bumper sticker for a reason.

In the moment,
MM

DADD

I just read an interesting article over at Boinkology on DADD — Dating Attention Deficit Disorder. The question, according to author, is "Has the web turned us into a generation incapable of having a long enough attention span to develop a monogamous relationship?"

Perhaps I'm just looking for an answer to my own perpetual singlehood, but I think this is a valid question.

Really, think about it — if you're a single person taking advantage of all the Internet has to offer, why would you "settle" on one partner when you could possibly meet someone new on Match.com, ISpy someone at Seven Days, randomly hook up at Craigslist or rekindle your high school romance on Facebook? As one commenter on Boinkology points out, the Internet helps perpetuate the "grass is always greener mentality."

What do you think? Is dating and sex made too complicated by the all the online outlets we have?

You can read the short article here. And, can someone tell me what's up with the freaky photo they chose to illustrate this topic?!

Happy Monday,
MM

Pet Peeve

I'm so annoyed when I meet someone I'm interested in, then can't find him/her on Facebook or MySpace.

C'mon, people: If you're single and minglin'... get a Facebook account. You'll make it much easier for people to flirt with you.

I suppose I'll just have to wait to run into this person again or risk looking like a stalker by showing up at his place of business. What's a girl to do?

Sheesh.

xoxo,
MM

Talk is cheap (when it's good)

What's the hottest thing anyone has ever said to you?

My winner, hands down, happened when I studied abroad during college. I had been hanging around with a group of cool perverts, learning everything I could about the bdsm and kink scenes in this foreign city. One night, I went for some hands-on learning with one of them — a hot Leather Daddy with a thick Scottish accent.

Our tryst started in a dark alleyway. After the making out turned hot and heavy, he stopped, pushed me up against the cold brick wall of the building and said in that delicious Scottish accent: Have you been a naughty little girl?

Uh. Yes. Yes, I have.

And you? Tell me about the hottest thing you've ever had the pleasure of hearing. You can comment anonymously, just make up a name and skip the other fields.

xoxo
MM

The Classic Conundrum

Hey Mistress Maeve,

Twenty-three-year-old female here with a question about oral sex. I don't wish to be crude, but I don't particularly like to swallow. However, I also don't like to let it fly all over my bedspread. What's a girl to do with a mouthful of spunk? I've tried dashing off to the sink, but I'm worried that ruins the moment. Should I keep tissues by the bed?

What's the proper etiquette here? Maybe it's just easier to stomach it (literally)?

Signed,
Spunky Gal

-----------------------------------

Dear Spunky,

Spit or swallow — the classic oral sex conundrum.

You're right: In some instances — like getting it on in a car or in a public place — swallowing is simply the most convenient option. However, if you don't like to ingest his juice, it's perfectly fine to excuse yourself and spill his seed into the sink. A towel nearby is a good option, too — nearly every guy who masturbates is familiar with the "beat rag."

And let's not forget — we have more options than just spit or swallow. If you don't like the taste, consider letting him finish on your chest, face or other body part that turns you on — you can avoid bedspread stains with some skillful aiming and hand shielding. (Just a warning — close your eyes. A shot to the eye stings and can leave you looking like you have pink-eye.)

When it comes to giving him head, forget the etiquette. The only "proper" move here is to do what makes you feel most comfortable. Trust me, if you're giving him oral pleasure, he ultimately won't care where his spunk ends up.

Good to the last drop,
MM

Hey, blog readers! In this week's answer — after much Twitter and office debate — I used the term "beat rag" to describe what guys keep close by to catch their spooge after masturbating. Other terms offered were "spank-kerchief" and "rocks sock." Any others?

I love The Onion

The Onion takes a crack at Cosmopolitan and its neverending quest to teach women how to please their men. (Video is mostly work friendly, except for a couple "s"-bombs.)

'Cosmopolitan' Institute Completes Decades-Long Study On How To Please Your Man

Thanks, Boinkology.

R.I.P Playgirl

The recent news of Playgirl ditching its print product and going all web has had the sex/media interwebs in a frenzy since last week — with most cheeky bloggers making jokes about how the gay community has kept the magazine afloat.

I had become bored of the speculation and news even before I had a chance to blog about it. But, my trusty tipsters — The House of LeMay — emailed me this link from Queerty.com yesterday. Queerty's news of the print magazine folding actually took an interesting approach and asked former editor Colleen Kane to respond to the claim that "Only gay men like Playgirl."  She says:

"I disagree that only gay men would ever want to look at pictures of naked men. This was a half-baked conjecture I heard over and over when I met new people and the subject of my job came up. To me it came off as a careless denial of women’s sexuality; it was equivalent to saying that women don’t fantasize.

I’ve also wondered if there weren’t some parallels between Playgirl’s struggle to find its identity and readership and the developing lack of cohesiveness among feminists, as the ranks divided into second and third waves, and the waves subdivided with different opinions about sex, porn, and, well, fun, and perhaps a greater proportion of women don’t identify as feminist."

Indeed. Although I never picked up a copy of Playgirl, I'm sad to see it go — after reading Kane's argument, I would have bought it just to prove her point (then given it to my gay friends).

xoxo,
MM

Time To Graduate

Hi Mistress Maeve,

I am a 26-year-old female who cannot accept that the guy I like may just be heartless. He was a friend from high school, and we reconnected last summer when he moved back to my hometown (nine years later). We met for a drink . . . and later had sex.

The past year has been like this — we'd talk sporadically; I'd let him know when I was visiting home; we'd meet and have sex. Feelings I had for him in high school re-emerged, and when I told him, he reacted immaturely and justified his response by saying he couldn't believe I actually liked him.

Then I found out from a friend that he has a child, which he confirmed only when I later asked him about it. We still have sex, but he always leaves at 5 a.m. to be back in time for his daughter to wake up. While noble, this behavior leaves me feeling like a whore.

He doesn't care about me. I need to let go, but I can't.

Sincerely,
Dejected Yet Hopeful

--------------------------------------

Dear DYH,

Remember the “Sex in the City” episode where Miranda's date declines her invitation to come up to her apartment because he has an early meeting? And when Miranda asks Carrie's boyfriend Berger for advice, he says, "He's just not that into you."

I think you know what I'm getting at — it's time to move on. Your high school sweetheart hasn't graduated to adult relationships yet, and you deserve more. Plus, he lied to you — about having a kid! And I'm willing to bet it's not the only thing he's being dishonest about.

You say that you need to let go but can't. That's not true — you're choosing to stay involved. This relationship has put you through the emotional wringer, and it's time for you to start valuing yourself. Trust me, high school should remain in the past.

Totally into you,
MM

A beautiful day in the gayborhood

According to the House of LeMay, there's a new gay bar opening in Plattsburgh, NY this weekend called Zibii's. You can check out the Zibii's website here.

Oh, those House of LeMay girls. . . always one high-heeled step ahead of the rest of us.

Thanks, ladies.

MM

Beach Blanket Bingo

Consider this: You're at the beach and meet the girl of your dreams. The sun is beating down on you, the sexual tension is mounting as you soak up the rays together. You're flirting and eying one another as the sweat glistens on your hot bodies. When you both can't take it any longer, she pulls you away to a secret spot on the beach where you won't be discovered. You're making out, she's ripping off your beach gear. Arousal escalating, you pull her bikini bottoms down to reveal... a dyed blonde bush with a blue dolphin stenciled onto it.

It could happen.

(Warning: Site contains the most annoying music ever, but it's work friendly. Via Naked City.)

Too Hot For Print

It's your lucky week — you get more than one Q&A from yours truly. This particular column was deemed too hot for the newspaper — but just the right temperature for all you Internet heathens. Enjoy.

Titty fucker extraordinaire,
MM


Dear Mistress Maeve,

I love everything about my girlfriend, especially her amazing breasts. They are large, round and perfect. I have this fantasy about titty fucking her into oblivion, but when we try it, it never culminates in the explosive orgasm I imagine in my dreams. Sometimes I can't get enough friction, or we use too much lube, or her knees hurt.

Maybe we're doing it wrong? Can you give us some pointers? Also, is there another name for titty fucking? My girlfriend cringes every time I say it, even though she likes the act.

Thanks,
Boob Man

--------------------------

Dear Boob Man,

I suppose you could call it breast boinking or knocker knockin', but in my book it's just plain titty fucking.

Titty fucking is a form of "outercourse" where the man thrusts his penis in between his partner's breasts, which are held together to create friction. Most people prefer to use a little lube between the boobs — chaffing on the penis or chest can be mighty uncomfortable, not to mention unsightly.

Sounds like you and your girl are opting for her kneeling in front of your johnson to do the deed, but I much prefer the male-dominated positions. For instance, try the cowboy — you straddle her torso while she holds her breasts together. This gives you a nice visual and doesn't wear her knees out — plus, if you're lucky, she'll use her mouth on the tip of your cock. If you're feeling adventurous, you can try the reverse cowboy where she has oral access to your scrotum, taint and anus.

Perhaps trying these new positions will help you achieve the "explosive orgasm" of your dreams — or perhaps it won't. Ejaculation isn't the be-all-and-end-all of sexual pleasure. If you enjoy dishing out the titty fucking, and she enjoys taking it, who cares if you come? Either way, you'll have mounds of fun.

Boobylicious,
MM

Dating Tip

When meeting and chatting with someone you'd potentially like to date, I strongly advise not saying, "So, why are you single?"

Is that supposed to be a compliment, like,  "You're so good looking, smart and awesome, how come someone hasn't snatched you up yet?"

Because, really, it just sounds like, "So, what's wrong with you?"

How does one answer that question? Should I give a laundry list of all my bad habits and neurosis? Or perhaps just lay down the truth: "Actually, I've been having too much fun fucking around with people I barely know to settle down."

Jeez.

xoxo,
MM